Ugh
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
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Ugh
I'm at my dads home in Missouri. I find myself really tired from a long, stressful, lonely road trip. Had a hard time keeping my eyes open and enjoying my family once I arrived. There was a lot of freezing rain--actually, freezing rain the entire 6 or so hour drive. Can't trust H to drive, not to mention he doesn't have a valid license. His last DUI was here in this state. Most of the trip was awkward silence tho I don't know if he felt the same. I just loaded songs and sang the whole way to ease all the tension I felt.
I'm having a hard time connecting w/him. He's sober--for now. When he is he seems "normal", but I find myself almost loathing his presence. He sits w/my family and talks w/them..even more than I do. They don't know what I know. They think he's the best thing since sliced bread. He talks a good game. It really pisses me off. I found myself just being angry at him as I listened to all his jovial stories w/my family. Grrr
Someone posted feeling like they are a widow..I've felt that way for years. He's never helped w/the kids, not on anything major. He's a good time Charlie always leaving me to shovel life's muck. I could have been a single mom--no, I HAVE been a single mom.
Just venting..feeling angry an boo-hooey w/no place to share it.
I'm having a hard time connecting w/him. He's sober--for now. When he is he seems "normal", but I find myself almost loathing his presence. He sits w/my family and talks w/them..even more than I do. They don't know what I know. They think he's the best thing since sliced bread. He talks a good game. It really pisses me off. I found myself just being angry at him as I listened to all his jovial stories w/my family. Grrr
Someone posted feeling like they are a widow..I've felt that way for years. He's never helped w/the kids, not on anything major. He's a good time Charlie always leaving me to shovel life's muck. I could have been a single mom--no, I HAVE been a single mom.
Just venting..feeling angry an boo-hooey w/no place to share it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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I always said my AM had Proud Peacock Syndrome: showing up golden in public and acting like she and her family are perfect-- Joking, telling stories, being a completely narcissistic b****. Everyone outside the immeidate family LOVES her. They think she's amazing, and always tell me so. Even 3,000 miles away from home, I still run into people who know her (Navy Medicine is a small world) and tell me how wonderful she was when they worked together. My feelings about all this? 
They don't know what I know, and sometimes it makes me nauseous. Hopefully you will get through the rest of this trip without too much trouble. (((HUGS)))
They don't know what I know, and sometimes it makes me nauseous. Hopefully you will get through the rest of this trip without too much trouble. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
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Yeah, that's pretty much how my AH is too. That's why when I told a few people what was really going on, they went back to him to fact check, he told them *I* was lying...and they believed him.
My mom still tells me that he'll get better and I should be supportive. His mom called me and told me that she hopes her son divorces me. His brother told me that AH needs all of the support he can get right now...and he's an expert because he had an alcoholic friend before. And our friends have basically ignored me because its an awkward situation.
Apparently being charming and outgoing trumps the truth. If only any of them had to live with him.
Anyway, you're not alone. Does your AH recognize that he has an issue with alcohol?
My mom still tells me that he'll get better and I should be supportive. His mom called me and told me that she hopes her son divorces me. His brother told me that AH needs all of the support he can get right now...and he's an expert because he had an alcoholic friend before. And our friends have basically ignored me because its an awkward situation.
Apparently being charming and outgoing trumps the truth. If only any of them had to live with him.
Anyway, you're not alone. Does your AH recognize that he has an issue with alcohol?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
My brother is the same. Always Mr Personality in public. Talks a good talk. Social engaging guy in public. Everyone loves him. He has made my parents life a living hell. It used to make me angry, now I'm just sad for him. I know the truth about his life. I know how empty it is. I believe when he's putting on his game face, he knows it. All I can do is pray for him.
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Location: South Central USA
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Everything I've heard him say yesterday, today..is a fairy tale. I can't look at him when he starts speaking the fairy tale.
My family, and esp his family, would be shocked. I just don't know that it's my place to tell them.
My family, and esp his family, would be shocked. I just don't know that it's my place to tell them.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 90
Sending hugs & wishing you peace. Stay focused on YOU, and all of the good, positive things in your life. Even at our lowest moment, there's always something positive to be grateful for...it will help you through it. You're stronger than you know.
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Originally Posted by Stung 
Yeah, that's pretty much how my AH is too. That's why when I told a few people what was really going on, they went back to him to fact check, he told them *I* was lying...and they believed him.
My mom still tells me that he'll get better and I should be supportive. His mom called me and told me that she hopes her son divorces me. His brother told me that AH needs all of the support he can get right now...and he's an expert because he had an alcoholic friend before. And our friends have basically ignored me because its an awkward situation.
Apparently being charming and outgoing trumps the truth. If only any of them had to live with him.
Anyway, you're not alone. Does your AH recognize that he has an issue with alcohol?
My mom still tells me that he'll get better and I should be supportive. His mom called me and told me that she hopes her son divorces me. His brother told me that AH needs all of the support he can get right now...and he's an expert because he had an alcoholic friend before. And our friends have basically ignored me because its an awkward situation.
Apparently being charming and outgoing trumps the truth. If only any of them had to live with him.
Anyway, you're not alone. Does your AH recognize that he has an issue with alcohol?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Originally Posted by Katchie
My family, and esp his family, would be shocked. I just don't know that it's my place to tell them.
I've read it many times & experienced it myself...the other people in our lives know something is going on even though they may not say anything to us about it. Telling my family & a few close friends provided me with a wonderful sense of relief and tremendous support. I could not have gotten through the past year or so without them. They also have provided another layer of accountability for my own actions.
The advice I was given by my counselor (and I believe it is spot on) is that I can tell my support network about my situation, it was up to RAH to tell his support network. I didn't tell his brother (only close family of RAH) or his friends what was happening. It can be hard to say how the A's support will react. Your support should be just that - supportive. You can be selective about who you tell, consider it carefully, but I do urge you to have someone IRL that you can talk to.
Sending you hugs & strength to get through the holidays.
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Originally Posted by CarryOn
Katchie, where do you go for support (besides SR) for your situation? Specifically, do you have anyone in your life that knows about your AH that you can reach out to?
I've read it many times & experienced it myself...the other people in our lives know something is going on even though they may not say anything to us about it. Telling my family & a few close friends provided me with a wonderful sense of relief and tremendous support. I could not have gotten through the past year or so without them. They also have provided another layer of accountability for my own actions.
The advice I was given by my counselor (and I believe it is spot on) is that I can tell my support network about my situation, it was up to RAH to tell his support network. I didn't tell his brother (only close family of RAH) or his friends what was happening. It can be hard to say how the A's support will react. Your support should be just that - supportive. You can be selective about who you tell, consider it carefully, but I do urge you to have someone IRL that you can talk to.
Sending you hugs & strength to get through the holidays.
Thank you for your encouragement
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
I'm so glad that you do have a few people to reach out to!
I've found that my friends (especially) & family do want to know how things are going. If I need to talk, I tell them that I could really use their ear for a while and discuss what I need to talk about. If I don't need to talk, but they ask, I give them the latest goings-on, how I'm feeling, and what I'm doing about it. I try to be as honest & factual as possible. Sometimes we don't talk about it. Regardless, I always try to make sure it does not dominate all our time (because that doesn't make me feel better and therefore doesn't help my recovery!), and make sure to ask about them & what they are up to. I have asked my friends & family to continue sharing all their highs & lows with me. One of the best things I have gotten from AlAnon is living in the moment - I am so present when I am with them now and I really love it.
I've found that my friends (especially) & family do want to know how things are going. If I need to talk, I tell them that I could really use their ear for a while and discuss what I need to talk about. If I don't need to talk, but they ask, I give them the latest goings-on, how I'm feeling, and what I'm doing about it. I try to be as honest & factual as possible. Sometimes we don't talk about it. Regardless, I always try to make sure it does not dominate all our time (because that doesn't make me feel better and therefore doesn't help my recovery!), and make sure to ask about them & what they are up to. I have asked my friends & family to continue sharing all their highs & lows with me. One of the best things I have gotten from AlAnon is living in the moment - I am so present when I am with them now and I really love it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by CarryOn
I'm so glad that you do have a few people to reach out to!
I've found that my friends (especially) & family do want to know how things are going. If I need to talk, I tell them that I could really use their ear for a while and discuss what I need to talk about. If I don't need to talk, but they ask, I give them the latest goings-on, how I'm feeling, and what I'm doing about it. I try to be as honest & factual as possible. Sometimes we don't talk about it. Regardless, I always try to make sure it does not dominate all our time (because that doesn't make me feel better and therefore doesn't help my recovery!), and make sure to ask about them & what they are up to. I have asked my friends & family to continue sharing all their highs & lows with me. One of the best things I have gotten from AlAnon is living in the moment - I am so present when I am with them now and I really love it.
I've found that my friends (especially) & family do want to know how things are going. If I need to talk, I tell them that I could really use their ear for a while and discuss what I need to talk about. If I don't need to talk, but they ask, I give them the latest goings-on, how I'm feeling, and what I'm doing about it. I try to be as honest & factual as possible. Sometimes we don't talk about it. Regardless, I always try to make sure it does not dominate all our time (because that doesn't make me feel better and therefore doesn't help my recovery!), and make sure to ask about them & what they are up to. I have asked my friends & family to continue sharing all their highs & lows with me. One of the best things I have gotten from AlAnon is living in the moment - I am so present when I am with them now and I really love it.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
I know you don't feel it's your place to tell them, but it is. It is YOUR life too. And you will be amazed at how much better you feel once you do. Don't keep his secrets anymore. Let it out and start to take your life back.
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