Tally

I haven't posted here in a long time.

I left my XABF about 3 years ago now, in a relationship for the last two years with my bf who doesn't drink at all and very happy with him. My life has changed a lot, I now have my own business, a loving boyfriend, fab car and money to spare, but the after effects of the relationship with my ex are still felt, plus the relationship with my alcoholic father and codie mother is getting to me.

I'm dreading Christmas. I've always spent it with my parents and this year is to be no different and I'm really not looking forward to it.

Every single time I see my Dad he has a drink in his hand. Whenever I go to visit them all he and my mum do is bicker and snipe at each other. I get interrogated on my health, my work, my relationship...I guess it's supposed to be a normal "how've you been" conversation but I feel like it's an interrogation and that I'm being grilled and judged on my answers by both of my parents, but mainly my dad, with the bottle/glass in his hand, shaking his head at my answers. I get quizzed and made to feel guilty by my mum because I don't go and see them much...she asks what's wrong with me. It couldn't possibly be them.

My nan is dying, she's in end stage COPD, her organs are starting to close down. This will be her last Christmas. She's coming to my folks for Christmas. It sounds horrible but I can't cope being around her knowing she's dying, it upsets me. So I'm going to have to cope with my dying nana and my dad getting drunk and my parents bickering on Christmas day and stick a false smile on my face and pretend everything is ok.

I feel like I have no one to talk to. I can talk to my BF and although he listens, he also wants to solve my problems and gives advice instead of just listening. He sees it as being simple as not going...which I know it is, but I can't.

I find confrontation extremely difficult unless I'm angry, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. My mum doesn't take critique well at all and I'm not supposed to know my dad is an alcoholic. He thinks no one knows but my mum...

I can feel all this anger in me and resentment at feeling judged. I'm having CBT but even with my therapist I feel like I have to pretend, be strong, pretend I'm happy, don't talk about things that upset me.

Sorry for the long post, just have it all bottled up and want to scream, lol

Pelican

I'm sorry you are feeling such conflict over the upcoming holiday. During a time of peace, love and faith; you feel resentment, anger, and frustration.

For myself, I had to start spending more time with people who make me feel good and spending less time with people who don't. Finding the balance was my responsibility. I am responsible for taking care of myself, my happiness and my health.

Your dad's grilling and judgmental behavior may be part of his alcoholism. Alcoholics look for reasons to drink. By not approving of your life choices, he can justify (to himself) spending time looking for comfort in the bottom of a bottle. Also, by using a magnifying glass to observe your life ~ it keeps him from having to look in the mirror at his own life.

Sending you encouragement and support during the upcoming days.

Mountainmanbob

if you don't go and possibly never get to see her again
this will bother you for years to come

I know - at times these family get togethers are just not that easy

you truly don't have to stay long - do you ?

Mountainman

Recovering2

You're allowed to set your own boundaries. Decide what keeps you healthy. You need to spend time with your nan. Doesn't mean you need to be there for an entire day. When will she be there? Give yourself enough time to visit with her, share a meal, then get out!!! In the meantime, don't allow anyone else to take up space in your head. They are who they are....let it go. I say this only because I have to practice this every holiday. My brother was trashed at T'giving, I made a conscious effort to give him space and focus on my folks. It can be done......

FeelingGreat

Christmas isn't the time for confrontation when lots of people have drinks on board, so let yourself off the hook, having to tackle that.
As for your Nan, literally pretend you are looking out from her eyes. Because inside her, old and dying as she is, is a real human being. I found the best things to talk about with older people is ask them about when they were kids. What were their parents like, what did they do for Christmas, did they have any pets? They usually love talking about their past and some of their stories are brilliant, some shocking. Walk away knowing you've given your Nan the best last Christmas in your power.

Seren

Time limits.....that's pretty much how we deal with family in my circle. Love my family to bits, but I can take only so much.

Is it possible that the rest of your time can be spent touring historic sites or natural areas after spending the requisite gift exchange and meal time with family?

DoubleDragons

I don't have any good advice, just letting you know that I know how you feel. I have every Christmas with my family of origin and more often than not it is an emotional disaster. I am 43 years old to boot! My mother is an alcoholic, my father, the enabler is a heavy drinker,and the rest of the family are heavy drinkers. The guilt trips will be all over the place. These people make you feel miserable when you are with them but then wonder why you don't want to spend more time with them. Sometimes it makes me physically sick to be with them. I quit drinking in September so my husband and I most likely will be the only sober people there. Honestly, it is like paying taxes, I just get through it. So sad to view Christmas this way.

Tally

I figure I'm going to have to spend about 5-6 hours there at least. I used to stay overnight on Christmas Eve and then the whole of Christmas day but it was driving me insane, so I stopped that a few years back, I now go between 10-11am and do the present opening stuff then have lunch and home for around 4-5pm. I know I can do it, I just don't want to and feel angry because I have to. The worst thing is, they have no idea how I feel, so I just plaster a smile on and pretend. I'm sure once I'm there it won't be as bad as I envisage...it's just little things that I'm expecting and then when they happen, they annoy me, even though I'm expecting them. Does that make sense?
Even stupid little things irritate me...like I started smoking again 2 years ago, except I'm not allowed to tell my Dad that I'm smoking again because he'll give my mum earache about it...I'm 36 years old! But because he doesn't approve he'll go on and on, not at me, but at my mum and they'll end up having a row about it because he won't let it drop. So I have to pretend. It's weird!

feeling-good

Tally - just remember, it is only one day and you CAN and WILL get through it. In the meantime, make sure you stock up on some NRT to help you get through the day as far as smoking is concerned - I recommend the little tabs you can get (I am a now ex smoker after having smoked for 22 years...).

Why not have Christmas Day part 2 with friends? - you could go the whole hog and have turkey and trimmings etc? This is something a number of people I know do and is definitely something I would consider.

I wish you all the best and hope it goes as well as it can