gravvity

Hi everyone, I'm a newbie and I need some advice.

I'm in my early 20s dating an active alcoholic BF who is entering his late 20s. Both of his parents are deceased and he's been living on his own since 18. We do not live together.

I'm having a hard time understanding boundaries and which ones I should set. Would anyone care to give me some of your examples?

Thank you.

Ixi

Active alcoholic or recovering?

gravvity

active. thanks. i'm going to include that in my post

BoxinRotz

So tell us what you are expecting out of this relationship with an active alcoholic?

gravvity

At this point I haven't thought about too much into the future. I know in my mind that if he does not choose to get sober I will eventually leave him. I do not plan on moving in with him any time soon although he has brought it up.

I just keep believing he will change although I've been advised many others from others it's likely not the case. Since we don't live together his drinking does not interfere with my life that greatly. However, when we are together I can tell he's had a drink. Not to a point where he is drunk, but I could tell he's been drinking. I do believe he is trying to stop but he doesn't have any support. At times I feel like there is so much hope, but I always end up disappointed. Yet, I still do not give up.

BoxinRotz

He's got to want it and no one is going to get him there. He can have all the support in the world. If he doesn't want it, he won't do it.

Don't move in with this guy. If that makes him mad, so be it. You'll get a first hand look at his rage without the apartment. You don't want this. I promise you that.

BoxinRotz

This is not your fight. You speaking of not giving up puts a who lot of pressure on you now doesn't it? You hope to see this guy recover and oh, he tries and then you're disappointed because he's drunk again. Maybe not loaded but he's got something going on.

This isn't yours. He will likely take you or someone else down the rabbit hole with him.

gravvity

Yes I used to nag him all the time about going to meetings, getting help, going to rehab. Then i just realized that even if he does end up going, it is out of my nagging and not his own will. There isn't any point to that.

I know it's not my fight and I can't influence his actions. I mean give up as in I can't give up on him. Sometimes I feel like I had an addiction myself: I'm addicted to his addiction.

AnvilheadII

you are in your 20's - at the beginning of your oh so wonderful life....do you really NEED this? you may not see it now, but if you don't take your life in a different direction you are setting up a pattern.....of finding broken men and trying to fix them. thinking you see hope when all evidence points to the contrary.

we get ONE life to live. OURS. nobody else's. the way we help others is to help ourselves first. be solid, strong, healthy and on our own path. otherwise we are useless. to ourselves and to others. as we have little to offer.

Whyme2012

There are a lot of healthy fish in the sea when you are in your 20s. No need to date a problem child.

You don't want him to "damage you"...next thing you end up with lower self worth and baggage that you take to the next relationship. Or you end up dating one alcoholic or user after another.

Are any of your parents or relatives alcoholic?

CarryOn

Boundaries are for you - I think of them as a personal security system. You can tell someone you have them, but you do not have to. You set them up for your protection. You have the ability to decide if they need to be adjusted.

Some of the boundaries I established when RAH was drinking...I will not ride in the car with someone that has been drinking - I will find my own ride or drive myself. I would not spend time with RAH when he had four or more drinks (it always led to a nasty argument) - I would spend my time elsewhere or doing something productive for me. Eventually it became I will not live with an active alcoholic.

There are some threads about boundaries on SR if you search for them.

It sounds like you are not in a rush to become very serious about your ABF, which is good, it sounds like you have your eyes somewhat open to what you are dealing with. So, you have an A on your hands - learn about alcoholism, read the stickies & threads here, post about your concerns & experiences, go to AlAnon. Give some serious thought about whether or not this is something you want to deal with for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Even if ABF is in recovery, relapse is only ever a drink away and you will both have to work recovery for the rest of your lives. You & what you want for your life is what is the most important here.

spiderqueen

The boundary I set that finally stuck was, "I can't be in a relationship with someone who drinks to excess."

He's my X now.

honeypig

You feel like this b/c you DO have an addiction yourself; it's called codependency. This thread might give you some insight into that: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is often recommended on this forum, and I think you may see yourself reflected in the pages if you read it.

Dealing with codependency issues now, at your young age, will do SO MUCH for you in the future, not just in romantic relationships but at work and in friendships also. I hope you do choose to read the book and work thru the parts that you feel apply to you.

The stickies at the top of the page have a lot of useful information, too. Here's a sampling of some that might interest you:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

You also might try attending some Alanon meetings, both for education on alcoholism and what you can expect from life with an A as well as for some support for yourself as you try to decide what you want to do. Reading the threads here will also show you what you can expect if you do, in fact, choose to continue your relationship w/the A.

Wishing you clarity and strength!

hopeful4

I encourage you to read many many posts here and the stickies at the top of the forums. Read some of the stories, hear some of the heartache and think about what you really want out of your life. You are in your 20's...you have a long life to live and deserve it to be a happy one.

Good Luck!

m1k3

Hi gravvity and welcome to SR.

First of all boundaries are for you and no one else. They are to help you define what is and isn't acceptable in your life, and what your action plan is if they are crossed.

Second if you feel the need to rescue then go to the local animal shelter and rescue a puppy. You will get unconditional love and devotion.

Last, as for your ABF, RUN AWAY! There you are on a path to hell. Ask anyone here are pretty much they will all say life with an A is hell.

Your friend,

marie1960

gravvity, I did not live with the active alcoholic either.

Guess what? it did not make him less of an alcoholic, nor did it it make his unacceptable actions acceptable.

I know why you always end up disappointed, it's because an addict is UNABLE to be in a healthy, normal relationship, it's just not humanly possible, this my friend is called denial.

For God's sake you are in your 20's, you have the rest of your life ahead of you, raise the bar for yourself, RUN, fast and far, find yourself an available, WORTHY partner. I believe you deserve that, don't you?

Also, i do not view it as giving up on him, but i can certainly say you are selling yourself short here, and you will be the one suffering the consequences, the choice certainly remains yours, please make healthy choices for YOU, after all you are the one who must live in your skin.

Recovering2

I don't think you should give up ...on YOU. We have a tendency to focus so much on the A, to try so hard to support them/help them, etc...that we lose the essence of who WE really are. Don't let that happen to you. This is a progressive disease, you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg in your early 20's. If you stay with an active A, disappointment and crushed hopes will become normal for you.

Set boundaries for yourself. What will you not accept in your life...when you look at the big pictures. What are your dreams, hopes, wishes for your life??? Set boundaries to protect them. Find an AlAnon group, and start going. You will learn a tremendous amount about addiction, boundary setting, etc.

Bottom line...I would suggest you set a boundary of "I will not have a relationship with an active alcoholic" and move on. But that's your decision. Educate yourself so you know what you are facing. (((hugs)))