Oh no. They are coming out of the woodwork
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Oh no. They are coming out of the woodwork
Is it the holidays or am I just more in tune?
I had a friend over the other night, who I think has a drinking problem. Travels with her own bottle, not drinking in the car, just making sure there is always a bottle wherever she is going.
She is VERY CLOSE friend of mine, but now that she is single I am seeing a lot more of her. She is lonely, which I understand, and trying to 'get out' more.
But she showed up with a few in her and left with a few more in her (she was not driving)
Today another VERY close friend confided that he is being cut off from his family and a few friends are not answering his e-mails and phone calls for the last few month, or at best, That the contact is becoming less and less. This is and OLD DEAR FRIEND from college who I dont see more than once or twice a year if that, but we talk on the phone and e-mail more than once a month.
We are always in 'reunion" mode when we see each other so i would expect him to have a few, but I fear now, that the few is not just during our visits, but daily. He knows of my AH's issues, and is peppering ME with questions as to why HIS (my AH) drinking gets on my nerves.
I now, as I have been pondering, for the last few years, actually, think he is an alkie himself, then I second guess myself and then I am flabbergasted at how nieve I am. He is always "off to the pub" and I know a lot of people who are "off to the pub" but don't get plastered. So I don't know. HE has asked me in the past if I think HE has a problem. My answer is always "I don't see you enough to know, why do you ask?" He never has an answer and says he just was wondering (which made me feel a bit paranoid, do i think EVERYONE drinks too much???)
But with a looming visit at the New Years, now I wonder, if he asks again, do I say yes? He says his wife says "no" and that he can control his drinking, but now, going back to 20 years of history and that of my AH recently and myself in general, the good and the bad, I have a bit of fear that, out of anger or something, that my history will somehow end up on the internet or worse, with our mutal friends.
So do I have any business in answering a friend who I am certain wants to hear a "no" in answer to his question, the truth? In fact I fear our friendship may hinge on my answer. And if you say "well, that is not a friend then" I do agree. Although it still hurts me emotionally and could hurt me in many other ways too. Nothing deep and dark, just embarassing college crap and BSing about the people we all know. This is a man who has gone to the ends of the earth for me. I do not know what to do. I have a bit more than a month to decide.
I had a friend over the other night, who I think has a drinking problem. Travels with her own bottle, not drinking in the car, just making sure there is always a bottle wherever she is going.
She is VERY CLOSE friend of mine, but now that she is single I am seeing a lot more of her. She is lonely, which I understand, and trying to 'get out' more.
But she showed up with a few in her and left with a few more in her (she was not driving)
Today another VERY close friend confided that he is being cut off from his family and a few friends are not answering his e-mails and phone calls for the last few month, or at best, That the contact is becoming less and less. This is and OLD DEAR FRIEND from college who I dont see more than once or twice a year if that, but we talk on the phone and e-mail more than once a month.
We are always in 'reunion" mode when we see each other so i would expect him to have a few, but I fear now, that the few is not just during our visits, but daily. He knows of my AH's issues, and is peppering ME with questions as to why HIS (my AH) drinking gets on my nerves.
I now, as I have been pondering, for the last few years, actually, think he is an alkie himself, then I second guess myself and then I am flabbergasted at how nieve I am. He is always "off to the pub" and I know a lot of people who are "off to the pub" but don't get plastered. So I don't know. HE has asked me in the past if I think HE has a problem. My answer is always "I don't see you enough to know, why do you ask?" He never has an answer and says he just was wondering (which made me feel a bit paranoid, do i think EVERYONE drinks too much???)
But with a looming visit at the New Years, now I wonder, if he asks again, do I say yes? He says his wife says "no" and that he can control his drinking, but now, going back to 20 years of history and that of my AH recently and myself in general, the good and the bad, I have a bit of fear that, out of anger or something, that my history will somehow end up on the internet or worse, with our mutal friends.
So do I have any business in answering a friend who I am certain wants to hear a "no" in answer to his question, the truth? In fact I fear our friendship may hinge on my answer. And if you say "well, that is not a friend then" I do agree. Although it still hurts me emotionally and could hurt me in many other ways too. Nothing deep and dark, just embarassing college crap and BSing about the people we all know. This is a man who has gone to the ends of the earth for me. I do not know what to do. I have a bit more than a month to decide.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Honestly, I think your answer was appropriate. If you don't see him more than a couple times/year, you really don't know. Another appropriate answer would be to tell him that if he thinks it's a problem, then he should cut back or quit for a few weeks. If he can't, then it is a problem. Or, you could forward him to a website that defines moderate drinking in your country and has a questionnaire for determining whether someone is at risk for alcoholism.
You are right though, that once you've lived with an alcoholic (& recognized him/her as such*), you do notice a lot more people that have high risk drinking habits. I don't know if that's because excessive drinking is so prevalent, or if it's because people who drink regularly tend to hang with people who drink regularly. I suspect it's a little of both.
*I added this qualifier because I grew up thinking heavy drinking was typical behavior because my dad and much of our family/friends were heavy drinkers. My definition of alcoholism was really skewed. To me, an alcoholic was someone like my ex-bil who died from the disease, not the high functioning alcoholics who are so prevalent in my family.
You are right though, that once you've lived with an alcoholic (& recognized him/her as such*), you do notice a lot more people that have high risk drinking habits. I don't know if that's because excessive drinking is so prevalent, or if it's because people who drink regularly tend to hang with people who drink regularly. I suspect it's a little of both.
*I added this qualifier because I grew up thinking heavy drinking was typical behavior because my dad and much of our family/friends were heavy drinkers. My definition of alcoholism was really skewed. To me, an alcoholic was someone like my ex-bil who died from the disease, not the high functioning alcoholics who are so prevalent in my family.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Knowing that you can't fix'em... I've still got a standard response to the question "do you think I have a drinking problem?" and that is "Why do you ask? Do you think you have a problem?"
That seems to open up for a discussion that can sometimes give the opportunity to relay information without the other person feeling judged.
That seems to open up for a discussion that can sometimes give the opportunity to relay information without the other person feeling judged.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I know my husband threw my radar into the on position. I have a friend on Fb who just posted about how she's got all these empty wine bottles she wants to make crafts out of as Christmas gifts. I was like really? She went on to post how she'll sell these crafted wine bottles to support her habit.
You know, I wanted to post 2 letters to her status... AA.
You know, I wanted to post 2 letters to her status... AA.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I don't consider this one of my better talents, but I can spot one from 15 feet away. I guess 30 years of observation "in the field" will do that to you. We had one guest over on Thanksgiving, and before she arrived, Mr. Grits told me she was "socially awkward." As soon as I answered the door, I knew she was going to be the one going out for beer after beer. Sure enough, she was plastered not even halfway through the night. Her friends' body language spoke volumes about this being a regular occurrence, and everyone feeling uncomfortable. My spidey senses start tingling when I'm around an A, and I haven't been wrong yet. :-/
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think my general answer would be..."If you have to ask the question if this is a problem or not it is very likely a problem."
However...it is his problem, not yours. You can only offer encouragement. As far as the other friend, I know I have alot of friends that when they are going out more to get away from being lonley they drink more. It can turn into a problem for sure. I would be open and honest about your concern and move on.
Good Luck!
However...it is his problem, not yours. You can only offer encouragement. As far as the other friend, I know I have alot of friends that when they are going out more to get away from being lonley they drink more. It can turn into a problem for sure. I would be open and honest about your concern and move on.
Good Luck!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
Thank you for your amazing insight. You are right, I know it's not at all my problem. I am just thinking back on some of our visits.
There is a lot of "you know I don't always drink like this". Quite a lot of that.,and how he rations "in real life" and on and on, and his wife is ok with it. It just comes up a lot.
I guess from MY side of the street, I know that I might say the same sort of thing about desserts or cookies. That I "don't always eat like this" which is TRUE.
What I know is that if I drank like he does when we are together, and remained standing that would be a miracle. No, it would be Impossible.
Not my problem and I can't help, he has not asked for help or stated there is an issue in years, but this year, leading up to this, the topic of his self confessed habit it is coming up more and more from him, Possibly because I have shared my battles of living with an alcoholic, or possible because he is being extra defensive about it.
I can spot them a mile away too. But I see in my history, I do not run away often enough.
There is a lot of "you know I don't always drink like this". Quite a lot of that.,and how he rations "in real life" and on and on, and his wife is ok with it. It just comes up a lot.
I guess from MY side of the street, I know that I might say the same sort of thing about desserts or cookies. That I "don't always eat like this" which is TRUE.
What I know is that if I drank like he does when we are together, and remained standing that would be a miracle. No, it would be Impossible.
Not my problem and I can't help, he has not asked for help or stated there is an issue in years, but this year, leading up to this, the topic of his self confessed habit it is coming up more and more from him, Possibly because I have shared my battles of living with an alcoholic, or possible because he is being extra defensive about it.
I can spot them a mile away too. But I see in my history, I do not run away often enough.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
A friend came to see me over the weekend -- an old friend who I've long suspected might have drug and alcohol abuse issues. It turns out several months ago, she lost her job and license because she was found stealing drugs at work (in the medical field). To hear her tell it, it was unfair, she had it under control, and there was no story to tell. Meanwhile, she drank for most all of the 24 hours she was at my house. She wasn't wild or out of control, she wasn't mean or rude. But it felt like I was seeing her for the first time.
Ditto.
But I see in my history, I do not run away often enough.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz 
I know my husband threw my radar into the on position. I have a friend on Fb who just posted about how she's got all these empty wine bottles she wants to make crafts out of as Christmas gifts. I was like really? She went on to post how she'll sell these crafted wine bottles to support her habit.
You know, I wanted to post 2 letters to her status... AA.
You know, I wanted to post 2 letters to her status... AA.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by Booo
Is it the holidays or am I just more in tune?
I had a friend over the other night, who I think has a drinking problem. Travels with her own bottle, not drinking in the car, just making sure there is always a bottle wherever she is going.
She is VERY CLOSE friend of mine, but now that she is single I am seeing a lot more of her. She is lonely, which I understand, and trying to 'get out' more.
But she showed up with a few in her and left with a few more in her (she was not driving)
Today another VERY close friend confided that he is being cut off from his family and a few friends are not answering his e-mails and phone calls for the last few month, or at best, That the contact is becoming less and less. This is and OLD DEAR FRIEND from college who I dont see more than once or twice a year if that, but we talk on the phone and e-mail more than once a month.
We are always in 'reunion" mode when we see each other so i would expect him to have a few, but I fear now, that the few is not just during our visits, but daily. He knows of my AH's issues, and is peppering ME with questions as to why HIS (my AH) drinking gets on my nerves.
I now, as I have been pondering, for the last few years, actually, think he is an alkie himself, then I second guess myself and then I am flabbergasted at how nieve I am. He is always "off to the pub" and I know a lot of people who are "off to the pub" but don't get plastered. So I don't know. HE has asked me in the past if I think HE has a problem. My answer is always "I don't see you enough to know, why do you ask?" He never has an answer and says he just was wondering (which made me feel a bit paranoid, do i think EVERYONE drinks too much???)
But with a looming visit at the New Years, now I wonder, if he asks again, do I say yes? He says his wife says "no" and that he can control his drinking, but now, going back to 20 years of history and that of my AH recently and myself in general, the good and the bad, I have a bit of fear that, out of anger or something, that my history will somehow end up on the internet or worse, with our mutal friends.
So do I have any business in answering a friend who I am certain wants to hear a "no" in answer to his question, the truth? In fact I fear our friendship may hinge on my answer. And if you say "well, that is not a friend then" I do agree. Although it still hurts me emotionally and could hurt me in many other ways too. Nothing deep and dark, just embarassing college crap and BSing about the people we all know. This is a man who has gone to the ends of the earth for me. I do not know what to do. I have a bit more than a month to decide.
I had a friend over the other night, who I think has a drinking problem. Travels with her own bottle, not drinking in the car, just making sure there is always a bottle wherever she is going.
She is VERY CLOSE friend of mine, but now that she is single I am seeing a lot more of her. She is lonely, which I understand, and trying to 'get out' more.
But she showed up with a few in her and left with a few more in her (she was not driving)
Today another VERY close friend confided that he is being cut off from his family and a few friends are not answering his e-mails and phone calls for the last few month, or at best, That the contact is becoming less and less. This is and OLD DEAR FRIEND from college who I dont see more than once or twice a year if that, but we talk on the phone and e-mail more than once a month.
We are always in 'reunion" mode when we see each other so i would expect him to have a few, but I fear now, that the few is not just during our visits, but daily. He knows of my AH's issues, and is peppering ME with questions as to why HIS (my AH) drinking gets on my nerves.
I now, as I have been pondering, for the last few years, actually, think he is an alkie himself, then I second guess myself and then I am flabbergasted at how nieve I am. He is always "off to the pub" and I know a lot of people who are "off to the pub" but don't get plastered. So I don't know. HE has asked me in the past if I think HE has a problem. My answer is always "I don't see you enough to know, why do you ask?" He never has an answer and says he just was wondering (which made me feel a bit paranoid, do i think EVERYONE drinks too much???)
But with a looming visit at the New Years, now I wonder, if he asks again, do I say yes? He says his wife says "no" and that he can control his drinking, but now, going back to 20 years of history and that of my AH recently and myself in general, the good and the bad, I have a bit of fear that, out of anger or something, that my history will somehow end up on the internet or worse, with our mutal friends.
So do I have any business in answering a friend who I am certain wants to hear a "no" in answer to his question, the truth? In fact I fear our friendship may hinge on my answer. And if you say "well, that is not a friend then" I do agree. Although it still hurts me emotionally and could hurt me in many other ways too. Nothing deep and dark, just embarassing college crap and BSing about the people we all know. This is a man who has gone to the ends of the earth for me. I do not know what to do. I have a bit more than a month to decide.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Boxin...I am sorry....that is too funny. They are sort of nice...if you don't need AA that is!
Ugh... it's none of my business. Just so sad to know it's happening everywhere and can affect anyone.
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