What does love mean to you?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm reading all the responses and thought I'd have something really wise to add, but honestly, the phrase that keeps coming to mind is: WHO CARES???
I don't need to define love and then measure my experiences against some pre-conceived idea of what it should be. I think where I'm at (old, fat, and gray-haired) I'm looking for acceptance and companionship. I have much more in my marriage (I'm really blessed that way) but acceptance and companionship is really all I need.
I think I mistook a lot of things for love. Attraction (danger), lust (sex), pity (hi fellow codies)… To me, where I'm at now, if I'm forced to define love, I would say it's the lack of fear. Being completely comfortable being myself with a person who is completely comfortable being himself. Coming back to that when we get irritated or hurt. It's not "unconditional love" (I think that's pretty damn impossible for humans; the closest I get is my kids but there sure are times when I don't particularly LIKE them and have to remind myself that I love them.). It's more a feeling I can rest in. Knowing that I am respected and cared for in the same way I respect and care for my husband.
No "unconditional" -- if he started drinking or doing drugs or selling stolen TVs out of the garage, I would be sad but I would divorce him and move on. That is the one thing I have learned from the time between my divorce and remarrying: I'm damn good on my own. I can be on my own. I can live on my own. I can have fun and relax on my own. I don't need a man for that. He doesn't need a woman for that. We're not NEEDY as much as we are WANT-Y. We want each other. We choose each other.
And somehow, not NEEDING each other to survive but CHOOSING each other, over and over, every day -- that's where it's at for me. If that makes sense.
If I had to make a choice every morning whether to be married to my husband or not, I would always choose to be married to him. Even when we've had disagreements and fights. I never felt that way with anyone else. Never felt that "don't NEED but WANT" and the relaxed being-together that comes with it.
So that's my very long answer. After saying I didn't need to define it.
I don't need to define love and then measure my experiences against some pre-conceived idea of what it should be. I think where I'm at (old, fat, and gray-haired) I'm looking for acceptance and companionship. I have much more in my marriage (I'm really blessed that way) but acceptance and companionship is really all I need.
I think I mistook a lot of things for love. Attraction (danger), lust (sex), pity (hi fellow codies)… To me, where I'm at now, if I'm forced to define love, I would say it's the lack of fear. Being completely comfortable being myself with a person who is completely comfortable being himself. Coming back to that when we get irritated or hurt. It's not "unconditional love" (I think that's pretty damn impossible for humans; the closest I get is my kids but there sure are times when I don't particularly LIKE them and have to remind myself that I love them.). It's more a feeling I can rest in. Knowing that I am respected and cared for in the same way I respect and care for my husband.
No "unconditional" -- if he started drinking or doing drugs or selling stolen TVs out of the garage, I would be sad but I would divorce him and move on. That is the one thing I have learned from the time between my divorce and remarrying: I'm damn good on my own. I can be on my own. I can live on my own. I can have fun and relax on my own. I don't need a man for that. He doesn't need a woman for that. We're not NEEDY as much as we are WANT-Y. We want each other. We choose each other.
And somehow, not NEEDING each other to survive but CHOOSING each other, over and over, every day -- that's where it's at for me. If that makes sense.
If I had to make a choice every morning whether to be married to my husband or not, I would always choose to be married to him. Even when we've had disagreements and fights. I never felt that way with anyone else. Never felt that "don't NEED but WANT" and the relaxed being-together that comes with it.
So that's my very long answer. After saying I didn't need to define it.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
1 Corinthians 13
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.
11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.
12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.
11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.
12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I want to rewrite that part of the Bible, I don’t know what it’s called, I’m not a big Bible person. Corinthians something. The one that goes, “Love is patient, love is kind,” et cetera, et cetera. Not that there isn’t good things in it. But I remember there’s a part in there that says there should be no end to love’s faith and endurance. And sometimes there should be an end. We need to call a halt and not persist in some grand hope of some grand love. Some people are not capable of love. Of maintaining a relationship. It’s sad, but it’s true.
So: Love is ease, love is comfort, love is support and respect. Love is not punishing or controlling. Love lets you grow and breathe. Love’s passion is only good passion – swirling-leaves-on-a-fall-day passion, a-sky-full-of-magnificent-stars passion – not angst and anxiety. Love is not hurt and harm. Love is never unsafe. Love is sleeping like puzzle pieces. It’s your own garden you protect; it’s a field of wildflowers you move about in both freely and together.
So: Love is ease, love is comfort, love is support and respect. Love is not punishing or controlling. Love lets you grow and breathe. Love’s passion is only good passion – swirling-leaves-on-a-fall-day passion, a-sky-full-of-magnificent-stars passion – not angst and anxiety. Love is not hurt and harm. Love is never unsafe. Love is sleeping like puzzle pieces. It’s your own garden you protect; it’s a field of wildflowers you move about in both freely and together.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Ditto Choublak,
I don't know anymore. My life is so topsy turvy at the moment and has been for some time that I don't know which end is up. I know it isn't the "love" my husband professes to me when he is either drunk or detoxing and wants me to say "oh, it's all right baby." Or "sure ill have sex with you after me running ragged with worry and my responsibilities and am worn to the bone and you haven't bathed or brushed your teeth in days." Yeah, mighty big turn on for me, golly, gosh.
I would say being able to trust your partner has a lot to do with it. That the person you are with isn't going to lie, cheat and steal you blind. Or take off for hours, days at a time, leaving you wondering where he is, at your wits end because you need a break from being with the kids all the time, every day without a break while also working full time and trying to keep up with the household chores and failing miserably. And worrying that your car will be impounded because he just took off in it after you asked him not to.
Okay, so this is a rant and not about what love is but me telling myself what love isn't so I can detach, detach, detach. Phew. Thanks and sorry!
I don't know anymore. My life is so topsy turvy at the moment and has been for some time that I don't know which end is up. I know it isn't the "love" my husband professes to me when he is either drunk or detoxing and wants me to say "oh, it's all right baby." Or "sure ill have sex with you after me running ragged with worry and my responsibilities and am worn to the bone and you haven't bathed or brushed your teeth in days." Yeah, mighty big turn on for me, golly, gosh.
I would say being able to trust your partner has a lot to do with it. That the person you are with isn't going to lie, cheat and steal you blind. Or take off for hours, days at a time, leaving you wondering where he is, at your wits end because you need a break from being with the kids all the time, every day without a break while also working full time and trying to keep up with the household chores and failing miserably. And worrying that your car will be impounded because he just took off in it after you asked him not to.
Okay, so this is a rant and not about what love is but me telling myself what love isn't so I can detach, detach, detach. Phew. Thanks and sorry!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
Love. I am really glad this thread was started. I dont know, today.... I felt loved. I dated a guy awhile back who truly loved me. Without any conditions. Rain or Shine.
He was dependable. He deeply cared without a second thought and it showed. This was after years and years of being together and to this day, TODAY actually it has not changed although we are now just friends.
In my current Alcoholic disfunctional relationship I have often pondered the meaning of love. Because I sensed I didn't truly have it. Case in point: today I was crying. Hysterically upset and overwhelmed. A rare moment for anyone, and not something you feel like sharing with most people. My Abf just was angered by having to deal with that inconvenience. It didn't soften his heart much.
I called my ex who is a great friend just like he was a great partner. His first words: what's wrong? Do you want to meet up??
I felt LOVED.
He was dependable. He deeply cared without a second thought and it showed. This was after years and years of being together and to this day, TODAY actually it has not changed although we are now just friends.
In my current Alcoholic disfunctional relationship I have often pondered the meaning of love. Because I sensed I didn't truly have it. Case in point: today I was crying. Hysterically upset and overwhelmed. A rare moment for anyone, and not something you feel like sharing with most people. My Abf just was angered by having to deal with that inconvenience. It didn't soften his heart much.
I called my ex who is a great friend just like he was a great partner. His first words: what's wrong? Do you want to meet up??
I felt LOVED.
Recovered People Pleaser
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 391
I like to keep it simple..Regardless of the relationship be it your spouse, children, parents or your God..
Love is a decision followed by commitment, no more & certainly no less.
Love is a decision followed by commitment, no more & certainly no less.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Long Branch, NJ
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by Wavy 
I was interested in what the concept of romantic love means to different people and thought this might be a good place to hear a range of opinions
For example, what does love feel like to you? How did you know you were in love and how long after meeting the person? A maybe harder question, what does being in love mean to you?
I'm in the process of trying to work out what love means to me. And what healthy love looks like.
My relationship with XABF was very unhealthy and abusive. I thought it was love, but feel now that it probably wasn't; that that dynamic of dependency and control can never be love really. I'm worried about recognising real love when it comes along, but I'm happy to sit back and let things develop as they need to, I'm just interested in what other people's experiences and feelings on the subject have been, maybe what the range of feelings can be and what is common amongst people. I hoping hearing other people's experiences will help clarify my own thoughts
For example, what does love feel like to you? How did you know you were in love and how long after meeting the person? A maybe harder question, what does being in love mean to you?
I'm in the process of trying to work out what love means to me. And what healthy love looks like.
My relationship with XABF was very unhealthy and abusive. I thought it was love, but feel now that it probably wasn't; that that dynamic of dependency and control can never be love really. I'm worried about recognising real love when it comes along, but I'm happy to sit back and let things develop as they need to, I'm just interested in what other people's experiences and feelings on the subject have been, maybe what the range of feelings can be and what is common amongst people. I hoping hearing other people's experiences will help clarify my own thoughts
I can remember, clear as day, the moment when my now-EXAH said "I love you" and I was thrilled to hear that. I felt so accepted, not by him so much, but that I was now "normal" and had a boyfriend like a regular woman. A man had said, "I love you" to me. And like the naive, moronic jackass that I was at 23, I believed him.
I think that moment stands out in my memory, because that belief, or maybe it was the wanting it to be true, probably kept me in that godawful relationship for the next 16 years.
I haven't been loved, but I know that wasn't love. Love isn't supposed to be so mean.
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