Booo

I am brand new to this board ! I have not been to al anon in years. Sure, I thought I had it all together. That was 15 years ago.
My beloved almost husband of 13 years, our lives are totally entwined, we are just not married.. just asked me to buy a breathalyzer to keep him honest.
I actually found this board by googling the situation, and found a thread from years ago about a sober partner who wanted to use it as a tool to keep,his partner clean.
This idea has never crossed my mind.

My AH (which is shorter than almost husband and yet the acronym fits,
brought it up tonight, as his lying to me has escalated and so have my freakishly codependent tendencies.
I know you know the drill. I know inside, I confront, he denies, I snoop, I find , he lies..this goes on for about three days until I breakout the proof in the form of the bottles. today he denied fhe bottles were new, but i had taken pics of the stash just a few days ago, and that stash has grown.
God, it's so sick. I cannot believe I am here again. I am too old for this!

He hates AA although he has only been to a few meetings. He says he is starting again tomorrow, every single day. Yet he does not trust himself and wants me to help him stay clean. I am not sure that this is the best idea, but I am willing to try anything at this point. Does anyone here have thoughts on this? It's not to see how drunk he might be so accuracy is not a big deal, but he thinks if I have it he will stop lying about having anything to drink at all. I mean I know he drinks..he knows I know when he drinks but it takes a few days for me to blow up about it and pull out the big guns (so to speak)and maybe this will just get to the point quicker if he is drinking and he won't admit it, or maybe he won't drink out of fearing he needs to blow it. Thanks for advice. I need it!

Yancy

In my experience an A cannot control their addiction, even with help. They just learn to become more deceptive and even resentful. It's like the people who bum cigarrettes because they are trying to quit smoking. Doesn't work. They're back up to a pack a day in no time. My RAW used to try to limit her drinking by only bringing home small amounts of liquor, but she would always find a reason to run to the grocery for something she forgot and inevitably bring home more liquor. This just sounds to me like more insanity.

Hopeworks

Oh my... I understand how you feel as I did the same exact thing with being the ace detective, prosecutor and judge when my XA drank on the sly.

Here is the problem with agreeing to be the sober police: your life will be miserable and he will drink anyway because that is what active alcoholics do. If you agree to become the sober police you become responsible for his sobriety and you do not have the power to stop him from drinking or make him drink.

An A must find their own path and they need to be responsible for looking diligently for their own way out of addiction. Most don't find the path because they DON'T want to get on the path they just want us codies to believe they are looking for the path! LOL

AA is not meetings. If he is expecting attending an occasional drunkalogue to get sober he will be disappointed or just add it as an excuse. AA is a program not just meetings and the program is based around the steps and doing those steps with a sponsor. If he wants to make a serious stab at AA then it would be wise for him to ask for a temporary sponsor and put himself in an accountability situation right away. If he I serious he could go to a daily meeting just to immerse in the AA culture and help change his thinking (we are what we think).

But do not be fooled... I really AM A DETECTIVE... I really do have the ability to muscle my XA or even use weapons and I was the sober police for 4 years... forced him into rehabs over and over and it was a huge waste of time.

He is doing great now... but I had ZERO to do with it. He had to do it all on his own 2500 miles away from me years later and tomorrow he could pick up a beer and unravel it all in a skinny minute.

And that is the sad part of addiction ... they must do whatever it takes every minute to stay on the path without anyone handcuffing them, holding a whip over their head or even taking pictures of their stash! It is ALL on them as it should be...

The more important question is for you and your own boundaries and what you will and will not accept in your own life with him. Once I developed my boundaries through my own recovery I was able to detach and allow him to figure it out on his own. And in the end... it set him free to figure out how to live sober all on his own without holding someone else responsible.

Booo

Thanks so much for the advice and input, I have been sitting here for hours reading these boards. Now I want to vent.....especially seeing how typical I am.
This is just a typical a situation I know..he's an alcoholic and I am an on the edge all the time codependent enabler. .he is a WONDERFUL person, but a classic underachiever, while I am an overachiever. I think I can solve everything. Except his problem. I have not come up with any ideas on how he should get sober...I don't think. I am not his shrink..I am his loooong time partner, and that is what I want to be. we have talked about and tried everything at his request..him .drinking in. Moderation, drinking only on Friday, drinking only at gatherings. I don't drink mOre than a cocktail a month at most.
When he's drinking he is not abusive physically or mentally, and the only thing he lies about is his alcohol consumption. He is truly my caregiver, he cooks, he cleans, he runs all the errands, granted sometimes begrudgingly, .he was gone for two weeks last month and i almost fell apart. overwhelmed with my life, job and responsibilities without his help.
we are really a good team together when heis sober, which is most of the time, but I know how this progresses. My father was an alcoholic and so was my first husband....be was a very jerky drunk.
AHs drinking is under control for months..and then the short spirals of heavy drinking begins. they last about five days..It takes 3-5 days before i am ready to confront and then i do,.. it always starts with are you drinking? progresses to i know you are drinking...but NOW the new twist is that ON!Y when confronted with physical proof he stops.

He's told me he is pretty sure wants to get caught..these bottles are not hard to find...under the bed, in a suitcase, in his car...behind his door... his drinking i know also upsets him. he is s smart man and this is the ONE Thing that he cannot figure out.

I would REALLY like to,be the one who moves out for a while, and let him hit bottom... his income won't support him doing that, mine would....but because of my business, i work at home and a slew of other reasons I just can't be the one to leave. There is too much at stake or I would leave. Well for one..it's my house.

I had never thought of being the sober police, although I guess that is what i have been doing. He has never asked for this before and I thought it sounded novel..and maybe I could help, as he helped me while I was trying to lose weight. I succeeded with his help although I could have done it alone.

I sound pretty matter of fact right now, I think but the reality is is that I HATE this and I am on eggshells all of the time. I am under so much pressure at work..and when I want to talk about it....he's here but he's not "here, and that is a sad lonely life. No matter that I love him and he loves me. He drinks, he can't control it and I don't know if AA will work because I don't know if he will commit to the program by looking at it as more than meetings.

He is also an agnostic and in the past has not been able to find a meeting that does not make the higher power "god", which is why he claims to hate going. Excuse? Probably. He's also private, dislikes talking in public and suffers from a touch of OCD and anxiety disorders. No, he won't see a shrink or a medical dr about those issues either. He's very easy to get along with, he's easy going and puts up with me and my type A tendencies, but I am tired....I don't want to run the show, I don't want to just be his partner, I want to be an equal partner,

Wow, I am spilling my guts here...stuff just pouring out....he's such a Kind kind man.I can't help him? He thinks this breathalizer will stop his lying. I don't know. I thought I'd run it by people with years of experience. Thanks. I'm going to keep reading these boards...so many are my story too. Like a mirror. Excuse typos...low on sleep.

Booo

And despite my tangent, believe me I hear both if you loud and clear. Thanks

SoloMio

Wow, I could have written this. Been with my AH for years, however, mine is much further along. He drinks about a pint of vodka a day on average. Today, this week, it seems he's on a dry-out spell, but those spells last a few days on average. Then it's back to his drinking to being slurring drunk at about mid-morning. He usually doesn't drink at night.

His business tanked because of his drinking, and I also am the overachiever, so my business does GREAT--essentially so well that it's very easy to enable. The money is there, and we are married. While I don't buy him alcohol outright, I'm on a Dave Ramsey plan and so we each have an equal allocation of "personal funds" (DR calls it blow money--a term I don't like to use given the double-entendre, BTW)... so I don't tell him he can't spend his personal money on alcohol. I do everything else I can not to allow access to other funds. Our checking accounts are separate (although he never has money in his). I don't let him use a joint debit card, and I even hide spare change.

However, I have completely stopped looking, confronting, and otherwise trying to control his drinking. I've gotten that far.

I've even been very outspoken about my unwilingness to be his sober police. I know where that will go. He'll love me being his "saviour" one day and then curse me for "controlling" him the next. I'm not willing to go that road at all.

However, watching him is so, so painful. He's 60 now and I just wonder IF he will ever rise above this. Like you, he and I are such soul mates in the good ways as well as the bad ways. I really love him, and yes, I want to fix him. I want to so, so desperately. But now I just really have to practice diverting those thoughts to practice my own serenity. I get so angry, not at him so much, but at the disease. So I read a lot of books like Byron Katie and others that help me accept what is.

I also have done years of Al-Anon, but I feel like a codependent failure often, because I do find it so difficult to detach all the time. Sometimes I still engage when he's come back and he's saying stupid things that hit my button and I just succumb.

I also feel like I'll wind up feeling guilty no matter what happens. If I leave him, I'll feel guilty. If I stay and he dies, I'll feel guilty. I still don't feel that I've done enough for my own progress to be able to say that I've done just the right thing. I want to be able to say that I've walked the balance between compassion and detachment. I've made hard decisions when it counted, and I've lived my own life. I've been clear about my boundaries and have abided by them. I have enjoyed the good, the love, the laughter and I've walked away, lovingly, to let him deal with his own problems.

But I haven't been able to say that yet.

Thanks for posting--and keep coming back!

Charmed3

My STBXAH bought his own breathalyzer. He said it was to prove to me that he wasn't drinking. Not sure who he thought he was fooling..... he bought it so that he could check himself before going to his employer required mandatory AA meetings and outpatient treatment and then again at 7 am each morning so if anything registered he could call in sick to work to avoid getting fired. (This after getting popped with alcohol in his system and 90 days suspension with mandatory out patient treatment).

hopeful4

I have been the sober...or I believe the correct term would be drunk..police for years. This year, I stopped. It has not changed a thing in 16 years except make ME miserable. My mind has taken a big shift. I have detatched and am now actively working on me and what makes me happy and able to cope.

Addicts are sneaky, sly liars. I have told my AH again and again, if you want to work a program (we go to Celebrate Recovery although he does not truly work the program) good for you, that is why you get a sponsor. I need my own people for support, I cannot be his support person/sponsor. I am not capable of doing it, neither are you. Can you encourage? Sure. For me, it's actions, not words that speak. So until I see some more action from my AH, the rest is just him quacking along.

Keep posting, keep reading especially the stickies at the top of the forum. Most importantly, make sure you are taking the time to work on YOU. Can cannot control his behavior but you can certainly control how you react to it.

Blessings!

Recovering2

You can be his partner, but it's not your job to monitor his sobriety. The breathalyzer is a bad idea. If you're worried about being co-dependent, being in charge of a breathalyzer puts you front and center to codependency.

From what you've posted, sounds like he is "talking" about sobriety. But there appear to be lots of excuses as to why he doesn't seek real support and recovery. Anxious, not liking to speak publicly? So???? AA doesn't require him to speak, but he can listen to others and gain from their experiences. Agnostic? So??? The idea of a Higher Power doesn't mean "God". It means we believe that WE are not our own HP! For many people, their HP is the AA or AlAnon group itself.

Until he surrenders to this and WORKS a true program of recovery, not just going to a meeting, there is really nothing you can do. The best thing you can do, in all honesty, is get out of his way and leave him on his path. He needs to experience the consequences of his choices, and as long as you're there doing things like monitoring him with a breathalyzer, that won't happen. Sounds harsh, but I think detaching and focusing on our own health is the best thing we can do for our A partners.

Find AlAnon again. Take the focus off him and take care of you. I wish you all the best.

Booo

I think you guys are all right, thanks, but being the person Im and you KNOW who I am, I thought if he asked and wantd me to help that I would be ok.
But yeah, I see the points. I have been the hall monitor in the bottles in the house, upon request, on the drinking when we are out. Never worked before as I would OK the beer, but he'd be hiding the Jack...and he thought this would be ONE WAY to be held accountable to me...this was a zero tolerance issue. But yup, it does put me in a position I don't want to be in. I said before I don't want to be his shrink, well I don't want to be his mommy or his booze police either.

ladyscribbler

This set off alarm bells for me. Sounds like he's trying to place the responsibility for his sobriety in your hands. That way if/when he fails it can be all your fault. My xab tried this same ploy- asking me to "keep and eye on him" so he didn't get "out of control". All that did was make me crazy(er) trying to control his drinking, and it didn't help him one bit, because I was enabling him to avoid responsibility for his actions.
Take care of yourself and thanks so much for posting.

Booo

I know I know...I really do that they are all excuses. My hope is that he can just fake it till he makes it. Maybe something will click. Isn't that what we are all told to do? Keep coming back?
Maybe something just kicks in if he just shows up. mI don't worry so much about him drinking himself to death anytime soon, as in the many years we have been together his drinking has never got him to the point of raging insanity, passing out, being mean, violent or abusive. I know it will escalate though, it always does. he is just glazed and stupid when he drinks...that look in his eyes, the over compensation ..being SO kind, so helpful, (and he is actually IS kind and helpful when he is sober...it's just so pronounced when he is drinking..I have read that it screws with men's testosterone and yes, he becomes rather girlie when he's had a few...looking for validation and approval constantly ) me trying so hard not to react. When I don't react it just continues until I do. By the time I confront him he is ready to burst and often ends up weepy a bit and begging me for help. Silly me, at moments like that I hope I can....we help each other in every other area and I feel selfish saying no. I have, of course, learned that we cannot have a convo when he's drinking..let alone come up with a solution. I know this is his problem and I know that I am my own problem. And my hope now is that hitting thse daily AA meetings, supposedly beginning tonight, will help..and yes, I am looking for al anon for me too. Much like him, I was unhappy with most of the ones that I found... but I kept looking until I found one I liked.... I was determined to find one and to get control of my life. I am not sure how determined he is to do the same. I also see how I have fallen back into my old patterns. Hello...alcoholic father, my patterns they are ingrained deeply inside if me still, when I thought I had excised them. My disease is as bad as his and I feel like an idiot. I cannot tell you what it means to get this out ....he is a closet drinker and few of my friends know...many of our friends are social drinkers who don't have issues....they have happy hours and cocktail hours, a beer at a BBQ and seem fine..others I know are alcoholics, without a doubt....so I am not sure anyone is aware of his problem and I don't want to tell them. It's embarrassing what I have gotten myself into and continue to be apart of, so just twlking, for me is therapeutic and often leads to action....for me. Thank you thank you. Feel free to kick me upside the head too. I can be pretty strong willed despite my weakness.