jessieandme2003

I am worried this nice guy I am talking is ok for me to keep talking to. I could use your thoughts on how I am doing with this...

I am watching closely for danger signs, of course, as I begin talking to this nice guy. I like him and am watching myself so as not to become obsessive. That can be hard because you can't help thinking about someone when its new. Thankfully, he is not obsessive like those from my past, so that is good.

I just saw one thing though... he is struggling right now financially.

This concerns me because of my fear it will trigger my 'rescue' response.

So far it hasn't, I have not offered or even wanted to offer him financial assistance. I do NOT want to help and then think he will become attached to me because I helped. That has been the old me. I know it would be so easy to get that good feeling of helping someone, I can feel it in the back of my mind. But I know what comes with it is doubt as to whether they'd be with you otherwise.

I actually just put myself into the same position when speaking with him, sharing woes of my financial hardships and wishing I could help. Offering to be there as friends to help each other laugh through these hard times. I thought that if we could find a way to come together on that more even level, I would know it was because we liked each other and not the rescue/need thing.

I can VERY HONESTLY say I do not think this was me finding someone needy I could rescue. I thought a lot about that...
#1 I didn't find him, he pursued me.
#2 At the time he wasn't needy, he was fine. Still is as far as a job and good goals and very responsible and all. I just know he fell behind on things recently from what he has said. I don't know the details.
#3 I didn't know he was having this hard time until just this week, he was too proud to talk about it. He stilll hasn't said much, doesn't work me for sympathy or anything. I just know he is looking at cheaper cars, for example.

He has a good attitude, seems to just know things sometimes get hard and then he'll get through it. He has been taking responsible actions to lower his expenses, and he has a second interview with a different job today. He does not show signs of irresponsibility or anything.

So I am hoping that recognizing my weakness towards rescuing, controlling it and monitoring it, and trying to be kind and supportive in a more 'healthy' way is doing all I should do in this situation. I'd really rather try that than have to 'run like hell' from a nice person. I am concerned if I do that I will run from everyone, because we all have moments of hard times or needs.

Thoughts?

JT

Good God can't we complicate things?? A perfectly nice guy and you are scared to death. It doesn't help that if you are like me, the one jerk in a room full of people will seek me out! I don't envy you!

For what it is worth I think you are doing great!! Hands Off His Finances!!

Hugs,
JT

splendra

Spunky-

Run like a bat out of you know where!!!!! Honey focus on you. You don't need someone elses problems right now. Your disease will look for someone with problems it knows how to do this without your conscience awareness!!! Stand back from this guy!! Him discussing his finacial problems with you sounds just like a hook to me. I would almost be willing to bet the farm he has some kind of addiction problem!!!

Magichappens

J&M,
As long as you keep the focus on you, you will be fine. You are already learning a lot about you and how you react in relationships. Just be careful. Detachment in any relationship is a good thing. It helps you continue to see things clearly. Take care of you. Hugs, Magic

sunflowergal29

Gee- I have to agree with Magic and JT, just try and keep the focus on you, go in with a non-codie attitude (sounds like you're doing it). And remember, until someone has done something to show you that they are a toxic person for you, don't presume it is unhealthy. Trust your own judgement, sounds like you are doing great!
-sfg29

Nightowl

this post struck a nervev with me...yikes.

how do you trust your own judggement?? time and time again...I fall in love with someone with some major character flaw. and I am constantly second guessing........are they good for me or not? am I ahppy or not?? Help!!

how do you begin to trust your own judgement??

jessieandme2003

Melody Beattie's Codependent No more book, which is by my bedside at all times, tells us that after time in a relationship with an addict, one result for the codie is to lose faith in their own judgement.

It is just a part of what we have to work on.

Just to show that you are not alone... Last night when I spoke to this nice guy and he told me about having money trouble and needing money I was so doubtful of my own judgement I immediately called my best friend. It was 11 at night but she knew if I was calling it was important. I told her I was afraid of how I might go into a rescue mode and want to lend this guy money. We talked it through to determine if he's a creep or I am overreacting or what. I did not trust my own judgement of the situation wihtout someone to talk it over with.

JT

Nightowl...I NEVER trust my own judgement! That is why I have people that I run things by...I have learned that the hard way! People I trust and my HP...that is how I get by!

JT

Gabe

Oh, I echo what JT said.
My own judgement gets me in trouble every single time.
I have learned to put things in God's hands and run them by the wise people in my life. That always kicks me back into play.

myles1

Me,

My thoughts are this: he doesn't know you well enough yet to be talking to you about his financial difficulties. I see a red flag.

This is why we need time alone on our feet before we start new friendships/relationships.

Ngaire

Nightowl

OK........those posts struck another nerve. I run EVERYTHING past my friends to the point that I can't make a decision on my own to save my life!! That can't be good either. Every time my SO nad I have words.....I'm off emailing one particular friend. And she has such different views than I do yet I follow her advice nearly always.

My ex used to get so mad because everyone knew our business cause I wsas constantly wanting to get everyones reaction to things so I would know how to feel. I was taking polls almost. 5 said I should be mad and 3 said I was over reacting. OK the mads have it!!

Isnt that nuts??? Help

I do start therapy in 2 weeks. I will be buying this codie book altho my SO will not like to see me reading it. Hmmmm...do I have to sneak my book??

dax

I am surprised that so many of you don't trust your own judgement. Especially if you have been in the program awhile and have used the tools. I do trust mine. I can run something by friends but usually what I had thought to do all along turns out to be the best. this is probaly due to age[60] and 25 years of living with a sober alkie and 14 years befor of living with a drinking one. I have seen it all, reacted in all the usual ways and by now can make a good judgement call. Getting older does have some advantage. dax

jessieandme2003

I'd like to knwo if you find Melody's Codependent No More as amazing a book as I do. I hope you find it helpful. It has certainly been great for me.

Hang in there, I know how confused and concerned you are. AT this point you don't trust your own brain.

It will get better. Like any approach to self esteem, we must first set small goals and achieve them. The good feeling we get from that will help us set the next and achieve those as well. Once we learn we are quite capable, we start setting slightly higher goals. As our own self esteem returns we start making much healthier choices, because we start to value ourselves in the equation.

I recommend, like the others are for me, that we try to focus on other areas of our lives besides our romantic relationships. If we can build our confidence that way, we can eventually tackle our most difficult goals, those regarding our relationships and our codependence.

sunflowergal29

Trust me, I have a hard time trusting my own judgement. Too many times I have done something, with good intentions, and it has screwed up. At the top of this is my choices concerning men and how to establish boundaries. I also have a hard time believing ANY man has good intentions, and this is my problem. I have some major issues with men (especially with cheating), but slowly but surely I am starting to recognize why I keep repeating these same patterns. I never had a single boundary in my life prior to my recovery, and now I am realizing that I have been contributing to the unhealthy relationships I've had because of that.
I think its important to consider other people's thoughts/ideas about the major decisions I've made in my life. But, I also think that I need to learn how to depend on me, to not base my opinion of someone on how other people perceive them to be. I do think that sometimes my opinion/judgement of a man is way off- it is my experience that the ones I am least attracted to are usually the ones who would be better for me.
(((I have a long way to go, lol!)))
-SFG29

JT

Nightowl...in the end I trust my gut. I don't consider it taking a poll at all. My reality is skewed. And the people I run things by are not my "friends"...they have an agenda. I have been blessed to have a few people in my life who have what I want, who have my best interest in mind and are never offended when I tell them to take a flying leap and do what I want in the end. If I fall after not doing what they advise they are still there to pick me up. I have friends I can run my reality by and I have friends I go to movies with...they are not necessarily the same people.

Hugs,
JT

jessieandme2003

This could be on my headstone someday.

I can only hope that recovery works its way so deep into my soul that I begin to feel that swooning chemistry towards a nice, successful man eventually.

Maybe this will be the one thing I go so far as to ask a higher power for. lol

frannie

This reply really hit home...I am talking from a mother's point of view..somewhat skewed to say the least...I think my daughter 24, who is a really beautiful girl.(and that is not just a mother's blind assessment). I think she walks around with a sign on her forehead that reads....all jerks welcome here!!! We have laughed about so in the past that she is equally dismayed at her choices. A couple of months ago...she tried dating a supposedy "good guy" with all those wholesome qualities that a mother loves to see...her 10 second mothers (the nurses in the OR where she works all agreed he was very different from her usual choices and persuaded her to give him a chance) After about a month and a half...the whole thing ended very badly...break up with lots of mean and ugly things said to one another...no reconciliation possible ever...seems Mr. Perfect had some real uncovered warts...his drinking was one of them...his maturity level was that of a high schooler because all he wanted to do was drink on Friday and Saturday night until he got so drunk he would get sick. The thing that really did it in for me was that he put her in 2 situations the last 2 weekends where she literally had to drive after having a few drinks...or walk somewhere...she was 50 minutes by car from our home. I could rip his eyeballs out for that...I made him promise from the beginning that he would never let her drive after drinking...which of course Mr. Perfect agreed to...She has been to rehab for drinking and it something the whole family watches closely. She usually dates athletic, muscular, good-looking types (she was an athlete herself) but Mr. Wonderful had never played any athletics, played the harmonica instead, was okay looking but with a receding hairline, and so non muscular she said she could probably whip him if it ever came to a fight. He was just so "prissy". So how do you find the right one...it has been her experience that almost all the young adults her age drink socially at least...some have more of a problem than that. So dating is much like playing Russian Roulette...you just hope you don't get one that destroys what you have worked to hard to build up.
She is usually pretty torn up after a breakup...but seems totally alright with this one...I wonder after the anger stops if she will fall apart then?