which came first?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
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which came first?
Having just read an article on passive aggressive behaviour - I ticked every single box with my abf! Trying to absorb this information as even though I don't condone this, I see why he behaves this way. So my question is - which came first? Alcoholism or passive aggressive behaviour? Do any of you also have partners or exes who used this behaviour too? Is it exclusive to alcoholics or are they more prone to behaving this way? Im not sure now if I'm dealing with 1, 2 or more unacceptable behaviours? Also the best way to interact (or not) with this behaviour - thanks in advance xx
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befuddled--LOL. I used to say that my mother was the "poster child for passive aggressive".
My simple explanation would be--that it is a way of communicating any aggressive feeling--that one is afraid to do directly--it is indirect. You will often see it when another person is afraid of conflict or confrontation.
We all do it, sometimes. It is a matter of degree-not kind.
At l east, this is my homespun explanation.
dandylion
My simple explanation would be--that it is a way of communicating any aggressive feeling--that one is afraid to do directly--it is indirect. You will often see it when another person is afraid of conflict or confrontation.
We all do it, sometimes. It is a matter of degree-not kind.
At l east, this is my homespun explanation.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
which came first? Alcoholism or passive aggressive behaviour? Do any of you also have partners or exes who used this behaviour too? Is it exclusive to alcoholics or are they more prone to behaving this way? Im not sure now if I'm dealing with 1, 2 or more unacceptable behaviours?
You are getting a package deal: he is who he is, the bundle of all his behaviors, and it doesn't really matter why he is that way, or what caused what. The reasons why they behave the way they do don't end up making much difference: we can only deal with the behavior of our alcoholic loved ones.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease that changes the chemistry of an alcoholic and rewires the patterns in the brain.
Passive-aggressive is a description of a manner of behavior that people use to handle anger; it isn't a disease and has no underlying pathology.
People can be passive-aggressive whether or not they are alcoholics; it doesn't cause alcoholism. Alcoholism, however, can exacerbate a personality trait that was milder or more in control when they didn't drink.
In the end, for me, as I came to terms with my now XAH's abuse and rage, I came to believe what SoberRecovery told me when I first found this site:
The three C's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Often, initially we think that if we can identify what causes the bad behavior, we can fix it or understand it or tolerate it. After a lot of grief, I have come to believe that I can't do any of that. All I can deal with is the behavior that my alcoholic chooses, and how it impacts me.
ShootingStar1
You are getting a package deal: he is who he is, the bundle of all his behaviors, and it doesn't really matter why he is that way, or what caused what. The reasons why they behave the way they do don't end up making much difference: we can only deal with the behavior of our alcoholic loved ones.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease that changes the chemistry of an alcoholic and rewires the patterns in the brain.
Passive-aggressive is a description of a manner of behavior that people use to handle anger; it isn't a disease and has no underlying pathology.
People can be passive-aggressive whether or not they are alcoholics; it doesn't cause alcoholism. Alcoholism, however, can exacerbate a personality trait that was milder or more in control when they didn't drink.
In the end, for me, as I came to terms with my now XAH's abuse and rage, I came to believe what SoberRecovery told me when I first found this site:
The three C's:
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it
Often, initially we think that if we can identify what causes the bad behavior, we can fix it or understand it or tolerate it. After a lot of grief, I have come to believe that I can't do any of that. All I can deal with is the behavior that my alcoholic chooses, and how it impacts me.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 60
Sparklekitty - yes of course it is - none of us would be here else hey? I meant am I having to deal with different personalities depending which 'head' he is wearing that day.
Dandylion - yes I see that, at the first sign of any 'conflict' he goes into himself and says how he doesn't like arguing or confrontation yet can't see how his behaviour causes it to go round in circles
Shootingstar - thanks for the clarification
Coco - thankfully I wouldn't know about aggressive aggressive behaviour (?yet)
Dandylion - yes I see that, at the first sign of any 'conflict' he goes into himself and says how he doesn't like arguing or confrontation yet can't see how his behaviour causes it to go round in circles
Shootingstar - thanks for the clarification
Coco - thankfully I wouldn't know about aggressive aggressive behaviour (?yet)
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