Hi, I love an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 6
Hi, I love an alcoholic
Hi,
Here is my story. I am married to the absolute most wonderful, kind-hearted, beautiful woman you could ever imagine. She is funny, brilliant, caring, gentle, understanding, sexy, and smart. She has a great sense of humor. She has the ability to transform a room when she walks in – LITERALLY!!! She is an amazing mother. She has an uncanny ability to make anyone feel like they are the most important person there. She is classy and kind, witty and wise. She brings out the best in everyone she encounters. She is truly remarkable and surprises me all the time. She has an amazing singing voice and can play several instruments. She is educated. She loves her family. She loves me.
But…. she drinks… a lot. I am watching her drink herself to death. I am afraid for her. I am afraid for our children. I am afraid for me.
We met when our boys were in pre-k together. I was immediately smitten. However we both had recently been divorced from (non-alcoholic) spouses who cheated on us. Neither of us had an appetite for another relationship, let alone marriage! We spent a lot of time doing things as a family; we both had primary custody of our children; her daughter and son, and my son. We were both members at the same club. We hung out by the pool while the kids swam. We would go to dinner as a family; cider mills in the fall, the beach in the summer, indoor pools and waterparks in the winter. We were great friends that did things together as a family. After some time we started hanging out with just the two of us, without the kids. I began to think that maybe, just maybe…. Actually, I was falling deeply in love with her. Head over heels in love!!!
Looking back, the signs were there. There was a time that I had left her house late one evening after watching movies together. I came back the next day before noon and she had already drunk (at least) a bottle of wine and was passed out. I’d leave a few (or more) beers in the fridge and they’d be gone the next day. The empties piled up at a faster than normal rate. I never really added it up at the time. She had a great job making tons of money, a new car, a nice house. She was active in her children’s school. Nothing like you would expect an alcoholic to “look” like. I had never been exposed to addiction. I didn’t know what it was supposed to look like. I drank too; mostly socially, but occasionally to excess.
We were married just after Christmas last year. We never lived together prior to the wedding (we didn’t really even spend nights together, we put on a good example for the kids) so I had no idea of what I was really getting myself into; the depth that alcohol had control over her life. My first reality check came the days leading up to our wedding night, and our wedding night. I knew she was drinking a lot; she claimed she was sick. She spent a lot of time in bed. I dismissed it as nerves or second thoughts. The night of the wedding, she got hammered! She passed out at the reception, puked in the car, then peed the bed; marital bliss!! I dismissed it as being sick and excessive celebrating. I was drinking too; who was I to judge?!?!
Soon after, she started regularly coming home from work plastered. The excuses piled up! She was sick. She had to go out with colleagues or customers. I started finding vodka bottles in the closet, under the car seat, in the bathroom. I’d wake up soaking wet because she peed the bed all the frickin’ time. She had a “bladder infection”. I begged her to just come home sober for one night; she did!!! Things started to get better, then worse, then better, then worse.
In the spring, her health was failing her; she was bruising easily, sore stomach, etc… We went to the doctor and it was ALL due to the drinking. It scared her and she cut way back. She quit drinking the hard stuff and was only drinking wine, then beer. At some point, I realized that she was never going to get better unless I quit drinking too, so I quit. It’s been a few months now, and I haven’t had a drink.
As for her, she never really quit for more than a week or so and now she’s back on the vodka – with a vengeance!!! She’s lying about it and hiding it. It’s spiraling downward fast. In the past few months she’s lost her job due to the drinking, been to the emergency room, driven with our kids in the car while she’s completely wasted on many occasions! She’s been passed out cold when she’s supposed to be watching ours, and other people’s children.
Right now, she’s locked her and her kids into her daughter’s room, passed out drunk. She was angry that she got called out. My son is in his bed wondering what is going on; why his brother that he shares a room with is locked in his sister’s room with his sister and his mom.
My heart isn’t broke yet, but it’s badly bent.
Here is my story. I am married to the absolute most wonderful, kind-hearted, beautiful woman you could ever imagine. She is funny, brilliant, caring, gentle, understanding, sexy, and smart. She has a great sense of humor. She has the ability to transform a room when she walks in – LITERALLY!!! She is an amazing mother. She has an uncanny ability to make anyone feel like they are the most important person there. She is classy and kind, witty and wise. She brings out the best in everyone she encounters. She is truly remarkable and surprises me all the time. She has an amazing singing voice and can play several instruments. She is educated. She loves her family. She loves me.
But…. she drinks… a lot. I am watching her drink herself to death. I am afraid for her. I am afraid for our children. I am afraid for me.
We met when our boys were in pre-k together. I was immediately smitten. However we both had recently been divorced from (non-alcoholic) spouses who cheated on us. Neither of us had an appetite for another relationship, let alone marriage! We spent a lot of time doing things as a family; we both had primary custody of our children; her daughter and son, and my son. We were both members at the same club. We hung out by the pool while the kids swam. We would go to dinner as a family; cider mills in the fall, the beach in the summer, indoor pools and waterparks in the winter. We were great friends that did things together as a family. After some time we started hanging out with just the two of us, without the kids. I began to think that maybe, just maybe…. Actually, I was falling deeply in love with her. Head over heels in love!!!
Looking back, the signs were there. There was a time that I had left her house late one evening after watching movies together. I came back the next day before noon and she had already drunk (at least) a bottle of wine and was passed out. I’d leave a few (or more) beers in the fridge and they’d be gone the next day. The empties piled up at a faster than normal rate. I never really added it up at the time. She had a great job making tons of money, a new car, a nice house. She was active in her children’s school. Nothing like you would expect an alcoholic to “look” like. I had never been exposed to addiction. I didn’t know what it was supposed to look like. I drank too; mostly socially, but occasionally to excess.
We were married just after Christmas last year. We never lived together prior to the wedding (we didn’t really even spend nights together, we put on a good example for the kids) so I had no idea of what I was really getting myself into; the depth that alcohol had control over her life. My first reality check came the days leading up to our wedding night, and our wedding night. I knew she was drinking a lot; she claimed she was sick. She spent a lot of time in bed. I dismissed it as nerves or second thoughts. The night of the wedding, she got hammered! She passed out at the reception, puked in the car, then peed the bed; marital bliss!! I dismissed it as being sick and excessive celebrating. I was drinking too; who was I to judge?!?!
Soon after, she started regularly coming home from work plastered. The excuses piled up! She was sick. She had to go out with colleagues or customers. I started finding vodka bottles in the closet, under the car seat, in the bathroom. I’d wake up soaking wet because she peed the bed all the frickin’ time. She had a “bladder infection”. I begged her to just come home sober for one night; she did!!! Things started to get better, then worse, then better, then worse.
In the spring, her health was failing her; she was bruising easily, sore stomach, etc… We went to the doctor and it was ALL due to the drinking. It scared her and she cut way back. She quit drinking the hard stuff and was only drinking wine, then beer. At some point, I realized that she was never going to get better unless I quit drinking too, so I quit. It’s been a few months now, and I haven’t had a drink.
As for her, she never really quit for more than a week or so and now she’s back on the vodka – with a vengeance!!! She’s lying about it and hiding it. It’s spiraling downward fast. In the past few months she’s lost her job due to the drinking, been to the emergency room, driven with our kids in the car while she’s completely wasted on many occasions! She’s been passed out cold when she’s supposed to be watching ours, and other people’s children.
Right now, she’s locked her and her kids into her daughter’s room, passed out drunk. She was angry that she got called out. My son is in his bed wondering what is going on; why his brother that he shares a room with is locked in his sister’s room with his sister and his mom.
My heart isn’t broke yet, but it’s badly bent.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi BadlyBent,
Welcome to this wonderful, supportive forum. However, I am very sorry for the distress that brings you here.
It sounds like you have an active, progressively worsening alcoholic on your hands. And you love her. I am so sorry.
Many of our hearts are bent, too - and broken, twisted and warped from loving alcoholics, trying desperately to help them, and sometimes getting pretty lost in the process.
Others will be along soon to chime in, including dads with young kids; for my part, I suggest that you read everything you can find, including the "stickies" at the top of the page, to educate yourself about this devastating affliction.
Your wife can get better, but she will have to come to recovery on her own terms, and abstaining forever will be the only option if she is to remain in recovery and live a healthy, productive life.
For your part, you will have to learn all about your role in this; how to protect yourself and the children from drunken shenanigans, how to set boundaries, detach from her self-induced madness, and turn the focus from her drama back to what is best for you and the kids.
Have you checked out Alanon yet? It's a good, first, real-world step (and free) and there are usually lots of meetings that will fit your schedule. For me, it the the first step toward lifting the veil of confusion, fear, guilt and trauma that my beloved XA's addiction had wrought.
Take care, take heart - and please, stand up strong and firm for the well-being of the children.
Welcome to this wonderful, supportive forum. However, I am very sorry for the distress that brings you here.
It sounds like you have an active, progressively worsening alcoholic on your hands. And you love her. I am so sorry.
Many of our hearts are bent, too - and broken, twisted and warped from loving alcoholics, trying desperately to help them, and sometimes getting pretty lost in the process.
Others will be along soon to chime in, including dads with young kids; for my part, I suggest that you read everything you can find, including the "stickies" at the top of the page, to educate yourself about this devastating affliction.
Your wife can get better, but she will have to come to recovery on her own terms, and abstaining forever will be the only option if she is to remain in recovery and live a healthy, productive life.
For your part, you will have to learn all about your role in this; how to protect yourself and the children from drunken shenanigans, how to set boundaries, detach from her self-induced madness, and turn the focus from her drama back to what is best for you and the kids.
Have you checked out Alanon yet? It's a good, first, real-world step (and free) and there are usually lots of meetings that will fit your schedule. For me, it the the first step toward lifting the veil of confusion, fear, guilt and trauma that my beloved XA's addiction had wrought.
Take care, take heart - and please, stand up strong and firm for the well-being of the children.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi BB and welcome. I am sorry that you are in such a difficult situation, I am not sure how much you know about alcoholism but I think learning about the disease and understanding a lot of common denominators might help you now. It's not something any of us usually learn about until it hits pretty close to home.
Alcoholism is progressive. I am an alcoholic and in early recovery, my mother was an alcoholic and so was her mother, so unfortunately this is not new to me. Alcoholics and addicts come in all shapes and sizes. We are doctors, plumbers, teachers, lawyers, unemployed. We are 18, or 28, or 38 or 48 or 58. Some of us are brilliant, others not so much. Some of us continue to posture to the outside world only to go home and collapse in a heap with a bottle. You will hear that alcoholism is a family disease, as you can see it is drastically affecting your life even though you are not the one who is doing the harmful drinking.
Alcoholism can't be cured, but it can be arrested. Abstinence is considered the only real treatment for alcoholism. At some point most of us cross an invisible line where something in our brain switches, we can never drink normally again. Often alcoholics continue to chase that first high, even though drinking continues to have more and more negative consequences.
Those around us end up with skewed perspective, because to some degree they have gone down the rabbit hole with us, often because they love us and want to help. We end up dragging loved ones into places they never imagined literally and figuratively. If someone had told you five years ago that you would be married to someone who barricaded herself in a bedroom while drunk upsetting three children, my guess is you would have said "never". And if someone had told your wife that she would become that person she probably would have laughed too. But it is real and it is happening, and as a mother, I strongly encourage you to get help for the children, if not for yourself. I grew up in a traumatic environment like you are describing, it is petrifying when you are a little kid.
What struck me is that the beginning of your post where you highlight all of your wife's exceptional traits against the woman who is behind that door right now. There's a pretty big disconnect there. It's really hard to look at things as they are in the present and it sounds like what you are dealing with is someone who is pretty sick. She needs help, but she has to be the one to want it and to seek it. Recovery only happens when the alcoholic is fully invested, it is hard and it is a lot of work.
I hope you stick around, there is a lot of wisdom here. I also hope you have a chance to read the stickies at the top of the Families and Friends Forum. And perhaps familiarize yourself with al-anon. Lastly, I would really urge you to intervene on behalf of the children, it is not fair to them, it is abuse. I am glad they have a father who is interceding on their behalf.
Alcoholism is progressive. I am an alcoholic and in early recovery, my mother was an alcoholic and so was her mother, so unfortunately this is not new to me. Alcoholics and addicts come in all shapes and sizes. We are doctors, plumbers, teachers, lawyers, unemployed. We are 18, or 28, or 38 or 48 or 58. Some of us are brilliant, others not so much. Some of us continue to posture to the outside world only to go home and collapse in a heap with a bottle. You will hear that alcoholism is a family disease, as you can see it is drastically affecting your life even though you are not the one who is doing the harmful drinking.
Alcoholism can't be cured, but it can be arrested. Abstinence is considered the only real treatment for alcoholism. At some point most of us cross an invisible line where something in our brain switches, we can never drink normally again. Often alcoholics continue to chase that first high, even though drinking continues to have more and more negative consequences.
Those around us end up with skewed perspective, because to some degree they have gone down the rabbit hole with us, often because they love us and want to help. We end up dragging loved ones into places they never imagined literally and figuratively. If someone had told you five years ago that you would be married to someone who barricaded herself in a bedroom while drunk upsetting three children, my guess is you would have said "never". And if someone had told your wife that she would become that person she probably would have laughed too. But it is real and it is happening, and as a mother, I strongly encourage you to get help for the children, if not for yourself. I grew up in a traumatic environment like you are describing, it is petrifying when you are a little kid.
What struck me is that the beginning of your post where you highlight all of your wife's exceptional traits against the woman who is behind that door right now. There's a pretty big disconnect there. It's really hard to look at things as they are in the present and it sounds like what you are dealing with is someone who is pretty sick. She needs help, but she has to be the one to want it and to seek it. Recovery only happens when the alcoholic is fully invested, it is hard and it is a lot of work.
I hope you stick around, there is a lot of wisdom here. I also hope you have a chance to read the stickies at the top of the Families and Friends Forum. And perhaps familiarize yourself with al-anon. Lastly, I would really urge you to intervene on behalf of the children, it is not fair to them, it is abuse. I am glad they have a father who is interceding on their behalf.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Please do whatever you can to get the children into a safe environment. Contact family or whoever can help. Letting this happen to them is inexcusable. What she is doing constitutes abuse, and you have the power to stop it. I grew up in an alcoholic home. Please don't make those children grow up in hell. They deserve so much better.
You keep saying she's cut back, she isn't drinking hard liquor, it's only beer or wine. Alcohol is alcohol, honey. Even mouthwash and rubbing alcohol are fair game for an A desperate enough for their fix. The only way for her to get better is to never touch alcohol again. Period. But that is not a choice you can make for her. She has to want it for herself.
I highly suggest getting to Al-Anon and reading all the stickies here (and the Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum, if you want to see what the future holds for the children). For the love pf Pete, DO NOT let her stay at home alone with any of the kids. She is not trustworthy, and you are up sh*t creek if one of the other parents calls the police (or God forbid the house burns down). Ask me how I know. My AM almost burned her house down with my kids in it, and I nearly lost them to CPS. This is serious. Those children need an advocate, someone to speak for them. And you need Al-Anon. Like right now.
You keep saying she's cut back, she isn't drinking hard liquor, it's only beer or wine. Alcohol is alcohol, honey. Even mouthwash and rubbing alcohol are fair game for an A desperate enough for their fix. The only way for her to get better is to never touch alcohol again. Period. But that is not a choice you can make for her. She has to want it for herself.
I highly suggest getting to Al-Anon and reading all the stickies here (and the Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum, if you want to see what the future holds for the children). For the love pf Pete, DO NOT let her stay at home alone with any of the kids. She is not trustworthy, and you are up sh*t creek if one of the other parents calls the police (or God forbid the house burns down). Ask me how I know. My AM almost burned her house down with my kids in it, and I nearly lost them to CPS. This is serious. Those children need an advocate, someone to speak for them. And you need Al-Anon. Like right now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I think there is going to be hell to play because 2 of these children are not yours. The one child is. So what do you do?
She drinks and drives these children and it must stop. You will never, ever replace one of them if she wrecks that car. She can make the choice to drive drunk but the children.... Who is protecting them? That is going to fall squarely on you.
You, IMO have a responsibility to a degree for the 2 who don't belong to you and I'll tell you what I would do, even if it rattled her cage. I'd get ahold of their father and tell him exactly what she's doing. If he's any kind of fatherly figure, he will take care of them. They deserve that. Your son deserves a safe driver. YOU must provide it for him/them so do what you can.
As far as her being all that you said... I don't doubt that she is kind, sweet n generous... but she can also be a raging lunatic on the verge of losing it all so are you ready for her to flip your world upside down and inside out because that's what's going to happen if she doesn't stop this madness. Ask me how I know? BTDT n ruined the t shirt in BLOOD!
She drinks and drives these children and it must stop. You will never, ever replace one of them if she wrecks that car. She can make the choice to drive drunk but the children.... Who is protecting them? That is going to fall squarely on you.
You, IMO have a responsibility to a degree for the 2 who don't belong to you and I'll tell you what I would do, even if it rattled her cage. I'd get ahold of their father and tell him exactly what she's doing. If he's any kind of fatherly figure, he will take care of them. They deserve that. Your son deserves a safe driver. YOU must provide it for him/them so do what you can.
As far as her being all that you said... I don't doubt that she is kind, sweet n generous... but she can also be a raging lunatic on the verge of losing it all so are you ready for her to flip your world upside down and inside out because that's what's going to happen if she doesn't stop this madness. Ask me how I know? BTDT n ruined the t shirt in BLOOD!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
Ugh, that story is hard to read. I feel for you!! I agree with everyone here that you should push the kids permanently out of her way and reach and just let her flail out of control at her own pace until she fizzles and exhausts herself. She will on her own hit that "low bottom" and then figure out what SHE has to do for HER. May God give you the courage, guidance and wisdom you need to take care of the little ones and yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
There are not 2 women in your story. The wonderful woman you describe initially, and the raging A who is abusing her children are the same person. This is a progressive disease, so you haven't seen the worst of it yet. You will see less and less of the wonderful woman as she spirals.
Here's the thing. It's her choice to drink or seek help. We learn the 3C's here: We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. There is nothing you can do to change her course. The best thing you can do is get out of her way and let her choose her path. Let her experience the consequences of her choices. It may be hard to understand right now, but letting the A do that is the best way we can love them.
There are 3 children who need immediate protection. Set boundaries. They are not to be alone in the house with her, she is not to drive alone with them, etc. You have an obligation as a parent, as an adult, to protect them. If you have to get biologic Dad involved, or other family, then do it. Protect them.
Find an AlAnon group near you, and start attending. It's suggested you attend 6 different meetings before deciding if it's for you or not. LOTS of folks in those rooms have dealt with these issues. You will get much strength and hope from those meetings. Keep posting, we're here for you.
Here's the thing. It's her choice to drink or seek help. We learn the 3C's here: We didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. There is nothing you can do to change her course. The best thing you can do is get out of her way and let her choose her path. Let her experience the consequences of her choices. It may be hard to understand right now, but letting the A do that is the best way we can love them.
There are 3 children who need immediate protection. Set boundaries. They are not to be alone in the house with her, she is not to drive alone with them, etc. You have an obligation as a parent, as an adult, to protect them. If you have to get biologic Dad involved, or other family, then do it. Protect them.
Find an AlAnon group near you, and start attending. It's suggested you attend 6 different meetings before deciding if it's for you or not. LOTS of folks in those rooms have dealt with these issues. You will get much strength and hope from those meetings. Keep posting, we're here for you.
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