isitme

I hate to start another thread about this, but didn't want to hijack anyone else’s. This intimacy stuff truly is tricky tricky stuff. I feel like I cycle with my on times and off times and I’m on a HUGE off time right now. I guess part of it is that deep down I want to leave the relationship, but am just not all the way there yet. He always tells me everything will be alright if we just get back to loving each other the way we used to. This is really hard for me. I’m not sure I can get back to that place. When we met 10 years ago, we were both drinking A LOT. Then we had kids and of course things changed. We've had a lot of problems over the years and sometimes I’m just not attracted to him like I used to be. But then, much like everyone else around here, all the issues became about me. I wasn't giving him what he needed. Blah Blah.. I care, I do, and I realize sex and intimacy are important parts of any relationship. But I feel like I’m forcing those feelings. I do it when I don’t want too, it’s hardly ever more than a min or two which (I’m sorry), but isn't really doing it for me. Even the foreplay is awkward and mostly un-satisfying.

Then he told me he resorted to online porn..”Gotta do what a man’s gotta do”.. Ok, I’ll take that. But it’s still a little bothersome. Because sure, I snooped at what he was watching and it’s all the stuff he now tries to do to me which was NEVER in the picture before. Gross. Now it’s even escalated to him going ahead and telling me he’ll cheat if he doesn't get what he NEEDS. Well geee.. that really makes me want to take part.

Anyway, I've really been trying to get my own life back. It’s good for me, but not so good from his perspective. Then an Al-anon friend suggested I re-read some stuff on Detachment. And I stumbled on this…(Below) and !!

And you know what.. looking at this makes him seem WAY more co-dependent than me!! These are all the things I've ever wanted out of a relationship. Things I aspire too, but am constantly told that all I want to do is be alone, and that what I really want is a friend, not a relationship. If I have to hear “this is not a relationship” one more time, I might need some duct tape to wrap around my head to keep it from exploding.

Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)

1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Hammer

ooohhhh. But I LOOOVVVVEEEE Toxic.

isitme

No, No Hammer.. no more Toxic.. No more I say!!!

Katchie

That's rough. I suppose my relationship to my AH includes some of both sides. Makes me wonder if the toxic portions we exhibit are because of alcohol. I don't recall the toxins being there before alcoholism presented itself.

dandylion

It is just another reality of alcoholism--dissolution of sex life. Just one of the consequences.

Complaining about it is just King Baby acting-out.

To me, the best thing is to let them QUACK into the wind. "QUACK-OFF!"

dandylion