Need help making a plan.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 485
Need help making a plan.
I need advice. I am ready to leave my husband, and I need an “escape” plan. I’m not ready to tell my family yet, and I’d really rather seek advice from objective parties.
My husband’s drinking (or whatever else he’s doing, I don’t know anymore) is out of control. It’s not predictable anymore. He used to get drunk when he went out (rare, but even a few times a year were enough to wreak havoc on our lives). Now, it’s random days off from work. He works really hard, but when he has a day off, lately it’s spent in bed or drunk. He’s completely denying having drank now. He didn’t do that before. I’m SO tired of the anxiety. I’m tired of being called “Gestapo” when I ask too many questions. I just want peace. I LOVE my two and five-year-old boys and I’m ready to prove it to them and myself by making the right decision and getting us the heck out of this house. Saturday night he got invited to a b-day party for this Hollywood producer guy he plays soccer with. He said the guy was begging him to go, and that I needn’t worry because he’s “changed” now and the past is the past. I thought “he’s right, I should go spend the night at my parents’ with the kids and let him have a night out since he never goes anywhere.” Saturday night seemed to go fine and when I spoke to him at 1AM he sounded shockingly sober.
Sunday morning I called him and he sounded “off.” Drunk. When we got home last night, he was sobered up a lot but just lying on the bed, obviously under the influence. He completely denied it and said I’m dramatic and that he hadn’t caused me any problems, so why was I making it a big deal. I’m so over having a husband who can’t just go out for one night without this happening!!!!!!! I’m so exhausted.
Anyway, I’m ready to get out. Numb. Done with all of this. I know the boys love their dad but I hope someday they’ll see this was the right move.
Here’s my main obstacle. I have no friends/family here. My family lives two hours away from LA, in the mountains. I have a good job here. If I go up there, I’ll have to take my kindergartner out of his new school, which he loves and is in a great district. I’ll have to commute every day, because there are no jobs up there. They get a lot of snow in the winter. I’m not afraid of the commute for me; I can handle that. I just feel terrible ripping my kids out of their routine. We’d also have to live with my parents for now, and my sister and her husband/kid live there right now in between houses.
Should I get out now, no matter how complicated it is? Or do I try to make it through this school year and make plans to leave in the summer? That way I can enroll my son in school with his cousin to start the new year. My head is just spinning, and I need objective advice. My husband says I need to do what I think is right. He said he’ll help me get a place here so that we can be close, but that’s not what I want. I don’t have a support system here. I think that would be a bad idea. Also, I want to be financially independent. Which I can only do if I keep this job. I just feel stuck. I have been reading a lot the past few days about this environment and its effects on children. I think I kid myself because my kids are so energetic and happy-seeming. They love their dad, and he is loving toward them. When he is drunk, he stays in the other room. I feel guilty taking them away from him. But I also keep seeing them grow and get older, and thinking “What happens when they’re 10 and 13? What kind of example is he setting?” I’m tired of the instability and not knowing if he’s going to be sober when I get home or not. I work hard. I get up early every day, I feed/get the kids ready, drive them to school, go to work, come home, cook, clean, and get us ready for the next day. He isn’t involved. So it’s kind of like I’m alone already.
The other day before he went to that party, he told me how he loves us and will always put us first, and won’t let me down. And how I need to let go of the past, not worry so much. He treated me to the hair salon and told me how he appreciates how much I do for our family. I told him okay, that I just want a husband who I can count on to put his family first, and who can go for one night out without getting smashed and reckless.
Another disappointment, but not a surprise. I’m tired of crying over this. I just want out. I just want peace for the boys and no more sad mommy. I just feel this tremendous guilt about the fact that he has no family here, they’re all in the UK. He has pushed every friend he’s made here away or embarrassed himself with his drinking behavior. I’m also afraid if I leave, he’ll drink more, get in trouble with the law, and get kicked out of the US, and I’ll have to live with being the one who took the boys’ daddy away (even though I know it’ll be his own fault).
I need a hug.
My husband’s drinking (or whatever else he’s doing, I don’t know anymore) is out of control. It’s not predictable anymore. He used to get drunk when he went out (rare, but even a few times a year were enough to wreak havoc on our lives). Now, it’s random days off from work. He works really hard, but when he has a day off, lately it’s spent in bed or drunk. He’s completely denying having drank now. He didn’t do that before. I’m SO tired of the anxiety. I’m tired of being called “Gestapo” when I ask too many questions. I just want peace. I LOVE my two and five-year-old boys and I’m ready to prove it to them and myself by making the right decision and getting us the heck out of this house. Saturday night he got invited to a b-day party for this Hollywood producer guy he plays soccer with. He said the guy was begging him to go, and that I needn’t worry because he’s “changed” now and the past is the past. I thought “he’s right, I should go spend the night at my parents’ with the kids and let him have a night out since he never goes anywhere.” Saturday night seemed to go fine and when I spoke to him at 1AM he sounded shockingly sober.
Sunday morning I called him and he sounded “off.” Drunk. When we got home last night, he was sobered up a lot but just lying on the bed, obviously under the influence. He completely denied it and said I’m dramatic and that he hadn’t caused me any problems, so why was I making it a big deal. I’m so over having a husband who can’t just go out for one night without this happening!!!!!!! I’m so exhausted.
Anyway, I’m ready to get out. Numb. Done with all of this. I know the boys love their dad but I hope someday they’ll see this was the right move.
Here’s my main obstacle. I have no friends/family here. My family lives two hours away from LA, in the mountains. I have a good job here. If I go up there, I’ll have to take my kindergartner out of his new school, which he loves and is in a great district. I’ll have to commute every day, because there are no jobs up there. They get a lot of snow in the winter. I’m not afraid of the commute for me; I can handle that. I just feel terrible ripping my kids out of their routine. We’d also have to live with my parents for now, and my sister and her husband/kid live there right now in between houses.
Should I get out now, no matter how complicated it is? Or do I try to make it through this school year and make plans to leave in the summer? That way I can enroll my son in school with his cousin to start the new year. My head is just spinning, and I need objective advice. My husband says I need to do what I think is right. He said he’ll help me get a place here so that we can be close, but that’s not what I want. I don’t have a support system here. I think that would be a bad idea. Also, I want to be financially independent. Which I can only do if I keep this job. I just feel stuck. I have been reading a lot the past few days about this environment and its effects on children. I think I kid myself because my kids are so energetic and happy-seeming. They love their dad, and he is loving toward them. When he is drunk, he stays in the other room. I feel guilty taking them away from him. But I also keep seeing them grow and get older, and thinking “What happens when they’re 10 and 13? What kind of example is he setting?” I’m tired of the instability and not knowing if he’s going to be sober when I get home or not. I work hard. I get up early every day, I feed/get the kids ready, drive them to school, go to work, come home, cook, clean, and get us ready for the next day. He isn’t involved. So it’s kind of like I’m alone already.
The other day before he went to that party, he told me how he loves us and will always put us first, and won’t let me down. And how I need to let go of the past, not worry so much. He treated me to the hair salon and told me how he appreciates how much I do for our family. I told him okay, that I just want a husband who I can count on to put his family first, and who can go for one night out without getting smashed and reckless.
Another disappointment, but not a surprise. I’m tired of crying over this. I just want out. I just want peace for the boys and no more sad mommy. I just feel this tremendous guilt about the fact that he has no family here, they’re all in the UK. He has pushed every friend he’s made here away or embarrassed himself with his drinking behavior. I’m also afraid if I leave, he’ll drink more, get in trouble with the law, and get kicked out of the US, and I’ll have to live with being the one who took the boys’ daddy away (even though I know it’ll be his own fault).
I need a hug.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Awww .... here's your hug! The alcoholic in my life is my DS, so I don't really have any BTDT advice for you. But, I do think you're making the right call to get out. I'm sure others with more experience will be along soon to help.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I hate to say but I think you need to have a free consultation with an attorney. It seems to me HE should be the one leaving. You may need to file for use of the marrital home during separation. I don't know how that works in that state but I believe they could advise you the best.
I also think you should speak with your family. Even if they are 2 hours away, this is not something you can do alone. You need the support of people in your life right now. I completely understand. Alcoholism leads to a very lonley lifestyle for the spouse/partner. You are not alone!
Message me if you need a friend as I do truly know what you are going through.
Good Luck and God Bless to you!
I also think you should speak with your family. Even if they are 2 hours away, this is not something you can do alone. You need the support of people in your life right now. I completely understand. Alcoholism leads to a very lonley lifestyle for the spouse/partner. You are not alone!
Message me if you need a friend as I do truly know what you are going through.
Good Luck and God Bless to you!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
EmmyG---I know you are beating yourself up right now over what looks like an impending separation---but, have you thought about the alternative possibility---What if your boys grew up and asked you "Mom, why did you keep us in that awful situation--why did you let us grow up in alcoholism--why didn't you just leave?" How do you think that would make you feel?
It was a very very difficult decision to divorce my children's dad---one that I thought about for a very long time--and did everything I could to try to make the marriage healthy. He is very narcissistic (not alcoholic). I worried about some of the same things as you. *******Now that the children are adults--they have thanked me for not making them grow up in the same house with their dad. I did make the right decision.
That is how it was for me......
dandylion
It was a very very difficult decision to divorce my children's dad---one that I thought about for a very long time--and did everything I could to try to make the marriage healthy. He is very narcissistic (not alcoholic). I worried about some of the same things as you. *******Now that the children are adults--they have thanked me for not making them grow up in the same house with their dad. I did make the right decision.
That is how it was for me......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
In your post, it is not clear to me if he knows and is willing to support you, or if you are trying to escape without any input from him.
I agree with hopeful you need to talk to a lawyer.
If husband is willing to support this, why not ask him to move instead of you?
It sounds like there are many details you need to think through more carefully.
I do not, however, suggest going home to family with no work as that can be a dead end in this economy and I have noted how many women lose everything when they leave. Good luck.
I agree with hopeful you need to talk to a lawyer.
If husband is willing to support this, why not ask him to move instead of you?
It sounds like there are many details you need to think through more carefully.
I do not, however, suggest going home to family with no work as that can be a dead end in this economy and I have noted how many women lose everything when they leave. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
I'm farther in - my kids are the teens you're envisioning yours to be one day. Like your dh, mine doesn't drink every day. He's not physically dependent and it hasn't (yet) affected his current job. But, it's affected us & it's affected his health and yet he keeps drinking. He's "quit" 3 times for a total of 2.5 years. He always goes back. He just quit again (our 15 yr old ds is living with my parents and that's one of ds's stipulations to returning home - that dh quit drinking.) So, he quit. But, he told me & he told our marriage counselor that he's doing it temporarily to appease ds. His exact words were "Why should I give up something that I enjoy when it's not the problem."
I am working on an exit plan. If I had it to do over, I would have done it when my kids were your children's ages. I'm the type of person that if I make the decision to do something, I have to do it fairly quickly (like within weeks), or something will happen and I'll talk myself out of doing it (which is exactly what's happened numerous times in the past.) I'm determined that this time will be different.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I am working on an exit plan. If I had it to do over, I would have done it when my kids were your children's ages. I'm the type of person that if I make the decision to do something, I have to do it fairly quickly (like within weeks), or something will happen and I'll talk myself out of doing it (which is exactly what's happened numerous times in the past.) I'm determined that this time will be different.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
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