patientlywaitin

So the rah and I have been doing rather well lately. Minor bumps but nothing dramatic. Today was a busy one as usual, at any Rate I swore I seen him while I was out and he was supposed to be in school, only when I arrived home he wasn't there... He called later and I asked where he was, then when I told him I seen him out he denied it and implied that I was crazy, then tells me the only thing he did after class was take a fellow A to get her spare keys from her house after she locked hers in the car.

Normally that wouldn't bother me, a simple phone call to let me know what was going on would have saved it all. Instead he denied me seeing him out and then gave me a guilt trip for being upset that he isn't being transparent... Something our therapist told him to do in order to help rebuild trust after he cheated.

When I told him I wasn't angry until he told me what he'd done after class he says you can just get over it. Well I can't just get over it, it bothers me because I feel like he's hiding things from me and it stirs up feelings of insecurity that I have been trying really hard to curb for a yr now. I have worked really hard on restoring the trust he broke while he sits back and pretends it never happened.

So I'm frustrated and now alone because he's keeping distance from me. How long does this **** last? I hate doubting him but I hate even more that he can't just be open. Any ideas on what to do to help or even prevent it all to begin with?

BlueSkies1

Honestly I don't have the answer here. I suggest going back to the counselor and bringing up this occurrence. The counselor should walk the two of you through this. She knows the situation and the two of you far better than I do reading this one thread. She has so much knowledge about the two of you.

I am worried that you don't trust your own eyes though. Are you unsure if that was his car, or was him walking? If you're sure of what you saw, why are you questioning it?
I'm trying to avoid accusing him without sure proof, but from your post I must admit I would be suspicious too.

NeedSomeHappy

Yup...my BS meter just pegged.

Granted I don't know you, or him, or the situation...but if you two were working on rebuilding trust, and you asked him a simple question...what is the reason for him getting so defensive? In my experience, it's a guilty conscience. Listen to your gut!

ladyscribbler

Can you accept that nothing you say or do is going to make him a trustworthy person? It sounds like he doesn't really care what you think or how you feel. Not sure that is fixable, no matter how much one half of the couple is willing to work on it.

marie1960

The way you are currently feeling today, is an effect of his prior actions.

I would be feeling exactly as you are, I think that is to be expected when the trust is gone.

The real question is, can you get past this and go forward with him?

Doubt and suspicion would be consuming my every thought. I am sure there are cases where people go forward and resolve their personal issues, but for me, once the trust is gone, the relationship ceases to exist. I just do not know how you get that back, and I do know , it doesn't happen overnight.

I guess I am old school, life experience has confirmed for me, once a cheat, always a cheat, and of course fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me has repeatedly been true.

So I guess the next question I would be asking myself, exactly how much of ME do I want to invest in this already very troubled situation?

JuliaGulia99

I agree w/ the others. Why is he so defensive if he's innocent. You know what you saw so don't doubt yourself. I would discuss it w/ the counselor. And trust your gut feeling. Stay strong and keep believing in yourself.

marie1960

Just read this in an email from a friend.

"Trust does not come with a refill, once it's gone, it's gone, and you will probably never get it back."

steelman1649

For me I wouldn't accept that form of communication. He knows the history, he knows how his actions made you feel. Something simple along the lines of "I know something like this could make you nervous, but nothing hapenned and I was just helping someone, does it make you uncomfortable, if so I wont do that again".

This is something I can't get my AW to understand. He has trust to rebuild, from the sound of his behavior he is cultivating seeds of doubt.

Personally I think he had no business helping her in the first place, he needs his priorities straightened out.

Florence

There, I fixed that for you.

This part too: "I have worked really hard on restoring the trust he broke while he sits back and pretends it never happened."

HE should be working hard to restore the trust between you. If HE is not working to restore trust between you after HE cheated on you, HE is not holding up HIS end of the bargain.

For me, cheating is a dealbreaker. It should bother you that he's hiding things from you and then blaming you for not blindly accepting his half-***ed excuses, because healthy relationships and healthy people don't do this stuff to each other.