Having a hard day....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Lincoln
Posts: 8
Having a hard day....
Well, it's day 3 since my AGF kicked me to the curb. All the "what if's" are playing through my mind. I think back to all the words she said to me. I wasn't a partner, I didn't care about her, I have control issues, I'm selfish, self-righteous, I only focus on her SINGLE flaw (drinking) but don't focus on all of mine, I'm easily replaceable, and the list goes on.
It is a real mind F**K this morning. I think back to everything I've done for her (cooking her dinner, taking she and her kids out, opening my home to them, getting her kids to school, picking them up when they were sick because she couldn't leave her job, lunches every day, coffees every night, doing things around her house....) My mind is racing. I'm sitting here thinking, maybe she's right....maybe I am the one with the problem. Logically, I know I am responsible for my behavior and there are many things I didn't like about myself...about what I was becoming. Then I think, well, if I changed, would she? I don't want to be the CRAZY person I had become but my heart aches so much this morning. We were together almost 4 years. She wanted to get married and move in together. I wanted that too, but I said not as long as she was actively using. Hell, I didn't care if she stopped, just if she got back into some program. I realized I couldn't make her do it, so I had to set the boundary for me. Thats when I found out she was already talking to someone else (caught her AGAIN.)
Has anyone else ever felt like this? Had someone treat you so great and so awful at the same time then get tossed aside? I don't know, just a struggle this morning. Thanks for letting me vent.
It is a real mind F**K this morning. I think back to everything I've done for her (cooking her dinner, taking she and her kids out, opening my home to them, getting her kids to school, picking them up when they were sick because she couldn't leave her job, lunches every day, coffees every night, doing things around her house....) My mind is racing. I'm sitting here thinking, maybe she's right....maybe I am the one with the problem. Logically, I know I am responsible for my behavior and there are many things I didn't like about myself...about what I was becoming. Then I think, well, if I changed, would she? I don't want to be the CRAZY person I had become but my heart aches so much this morning. We were together almost 4 years. She wanted to get married and move in together. I wanted that too, but I said not as long as she was actively using. Hell, I didn't care if she stopped, just if she got back into some program. I realized I couldn't make her do it, so I had to set the boundary for me. Thats when I found out she was already talking to someone else (caught her AGAIN.)
Has anyone else ever felt like this? Had someone treat you so great and so awful at the same time then get tossed aside? I don't know, just a struggle this morning. Thanks for letting me vent.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Sorry that you are struggling today.
In this type of circumstance, it can be expected.
A couple of things that helped me, first I had to stay in my today, and accept while today sucks, it is just one day out of the rest of my life, not my whole life, just one day. I could not allow his addiction to define me.
Second, I had to let go of all those crazy thoughts running thru my head.
Like yourself, I was taking an inventory in my head of all the good things I did for him, all the times I covered his ass, remained the voice of reason, calming life's current storm. Well guess what? All of that, was something I CHOSE to do, that was all ME, and quite frankly he doesn't owe me a damn thing for my choices. It's simply what we do when we are in a relationship.
Relationships are about enriching each other's lives.
Unfortunately, when we choose an addict, we choose an unavailable partner.
There are millions of women on this planet, who would welcome a devoted, committed partner, with time it will all become clear.
I threw the emotional score card out the window, it was holding me back.
In this type of circumstance, it can be expected.
A couple of things that helped me, first I had to stay in my today, and accept while today sucks, it is just one day out of the rest of my life, not my whole life, just one day. I could not allow his addiction to define me.
Second, I had to let go of all those crazy thoughts running thru my head.
Like yourself, I was taking an inventory in my head of all the good things I did for him, all the times I covered his ass, remained the voice of reason, calming life's current storm. Well guess what? All of that, was something I CHOSE to do, that was all ME, and quite frankly he doesn't owe me a damn thing for my choices. It's simply what we do when we are in a relationship.
Relationships are about enriching each other's lives.
Unfortunately, when we choose an addict, we choose an unavailable partner.
There are millions of women on this planet, who would welcome a devoted, committed partner, with time it will all become clear.
I threw the emotional score card out the window, it was holding me back.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
I'm sorry you're having a rough day. They come with the territory, don't they? If you haven't yet, check this out. It's fantastic. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oint-view.html
We all have things we need to work on, but in a partner, we deserve someone who loves us flaws and all. Active alcoholics are unable to give to us/accept our flaws/nurture us the way we all need to be nurtured. So the key to finding our own happiness is about finding how we can do that...without depending on someone else to make us happy. My best to you today!
We all have things we need to work on, but in a partner, we deserve someone who loves us flaws and all. Active alcoholics are unable to give to us/accept our flaws/nurture us the way we all need to be nurtured. So the key to finding our own happiness is about finding how we can do that...without depending on someone else to make us happy. My best to you today!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
cCalhoun--I think that any of us who have been through a breakup that we had invested ourselves in can relate to how bad you are feeling, right now. I know it has happened to me, once. And I can tell you--it sucked giant big rocks with jagged edges!!!! I was a hot mess, for a while. Rivers of tears.
I had to go through the grieving process to come out the other side. I think you are grieving--and this is natural and NECESSARY in the process of healing. You have more to do--but, you will eventually, get past this. You will feel whole, again--believe this.
You didn't do anything "wrong". You tried to love someone who wasn't able or capable of returning it in the way that you need. She is addicted--so she isn't capable--her energies go into protecting her disease--she is blind to the needs of others outside herself. She is in denial. Reality has risen up and given you a really hard kick in the backside.
Sometimes, this is how we learn our biggest lessons in life--when reality kicks us in the backside. Now, you will get to ask yourself the really tough questions---like, what allowed you to accept the short end of the stick for so long.....and other soul-searching questions.
We are all human--and, we are never so vulnerable as when we are searching for love---and we are all capable of falling for a person who is not good for us.
You will get over this pain...eventually. The pain of staying with someone in active addiction goes on and on and on.
You have my deep empathy.
dandylion
I had to go through the grieving process to come out the other side. I think you are grieving--and this is natural and NECESSARY in the process of healing. You have more to do--but, you will eventually, get past this. You will feel whole, again--believe this.
You didn't do anything "wrong". You tried to love someone who wasn't able or capable of returning it in the way that you need. She is addicted--so she isn't capable--her energies go into protecting her disease--she is blind to the needs of others outside herself. She is in denial. Reality has risen up and given you a really hard kick in the backside.
Sometimes, this is how we learn our biggest lessons in life--when reality kicks us in the backside. Now, you will get to ask yourself the really tough questions---like, what allowed you to accept the short end of the stick for so long.....and other soul-searching questions.
We are all human--and, we are never so vulnerable as when we are searching for love---and we are all capable of falling for a person who is not good for us.
You will get over this pain...eventually. The pain of staying with someone in active addiction goes on and on and on.
You have my deep empathy.
dandylion
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Welcome to "painted black" in Borderline Land.
Even worse is the (somewhat likely) recycle. Do not do it.
As far as the "other guy(s)" . . . Yes, they tend to line up and land the next "host" before dropping off the current one. To recall how that happened with/to you at the start.
Something about disliking themselves So Much, they cannot stand to be alone.
In the shorter version -- You have been Used by a User.
Even worse is the (somewhat likely) recycle. Do not do it.
As far as the "other guy(s)" . . . Yes, they tend to line up and land the next "host" before dropping off the current one. To recall how that happened with/to you at the start.
Something about disliking themselves So Much, they cannot stand to be alone.
In the shorter version -- You have been Used by a User.
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