steelman1649

Unfortunately I think I'm in the final weeks/months of this marriage. i definately think there are a lot of issues driving her dependancy, but in the end it really doesnt matter. i know that she would rather lose everything, get divorced, and move in with her parents rather than admit she has a problem.

It really speaks to the power of denial. I know that i cannot control this, but is an ultimatum even worth a shot. By that I mean, "if you don't have an alcohol problem, you can stop drinking so we can work on our relationship". If she choses alcohol over marriage doesn't that just save me a lot of time, grief, and trips to the ER?

NeedSomeHappy

I would suggest a separation - just to clear your head and get some perspective. Giving an active A an ultimatum will likely not do them - or you - much good.

Is there a way you can get away - even just a day or 2 - for yourself?

steelman1649

we spent 35 days separated in august and sept. we agreed to work on marital issues as she moved back in 30 days ago. the drinking is the problem that needs to be addressed now as it's sabotaging everything else.

NeedSomeHappy

Then she is not upholding her end of the bargain, and that needs to be addressed. How you choose to address it is up to you, but are you willing to take the next step? Or are you willing to stay and work on yourself and detach from her choices?

Please remember the drinking is HER choice and HER issue - not yours. You are only responsible for YOU and the choices YOU make. Is this the life you want? What would it take to make it the life YOU want? (remember that if you stay you must accept your AW as she is right now!)

steelman1649

I cannot accept my AW the way she is right now.

NeedSomeHappy

Then you must make the best choice for you and your life - for your happiness and well-being. Don't look back!

steelman1649

Thank you all for the support and good thoughts for introspection. I decided to take a hail mary pass as a last resort. I told her my thoughts regarding her addiction, I told her I was attending al-anon meetings, I told her I wasn't prepared to continue life as it is. I told her I wasn't going to wake her up for work anymore or watch over her constantly at night for fear of injury.

She continues to deny any problems. I told her if she truly has no problem she could start with 30 days sober. During that 30 days we could focus on improving our relationship without alcohol getting involved.

This weekend she will need to decide, alcohol or marriage. I know ultimatums rarely work with active A's, but I'm ready to leave anyway. At least this way everything is out in the open and clear, and she will have to actively choose what is most important in her life.

NeedSomeHappy

I wish you the best!! We are rooting for you

steelman1649

Thanks! I can't describe the great feeling I have this morning. I've taken over control of my own life!!! I can finally see a future for myself. Either a sober future with my wife, or a future completely free from her disease.

I think holding all that anger and resentment inside was rotting me from the inside. It's like I've taken off a backpack I've been wearing all day everyday for 5years.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Hammer

I think you just lapped every runner on the entire track and are now leading the race.

Go, Man, Go!

I hope not to be too far behind you.