Contact DV hotline or not?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Contact DV hotline or not?
I have been struggling recently with whether or not I should contact the DV hotline. My AH and I are separated and he controls all the finances. I recently started working and I have my own checking account. But I don't have access to savings, retirement, kids college funds, stocks. I've heard of financial abuse but I feel I would be wasting their time with this issue when others deal with life threatening physical abuse. I don't have to worry about the physical abuse anymore since we don't live together. I think his job and therefore our insurance is in jeopardy. I don't get straight answers from AH but yesterday he did tell me to get insurance for the girls and I. This is challenging with him controlling finances and my job not paying too much. There are some small bills he pays like afterschool care and it causes a great deal of anxiety not knowing if the bills are being taken care of. I figure I will get notices soon enough if he stops paying but this is not how I want to live. Is this an issue to contact the DV hotline about? I feel I really need to find out about resources and get some legal advice.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Sounds like domestic abuse to me. What do you have to lose by contacting them?
My T made a statement early on. She was speaking of rh "recovery" but expanded on it. She said "his recovery does not relinquish him from his financial responsibilities; 《pause》neither does his drinking"
..edit to add
"hi neighbor"
My T made a statement early on. She was speaking of rh "recovery" but expanded on it. She said "his recovery does not relinquish him from his financial responsibilities; 《pause》neither does his drinking"
..edit to add
"hi neighbor"
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Please contact the DV hotline, they will get you in touch with your local DV. You are going to have many issues in this separation and they can offer you a lot of help, the can help you with legal aid, talk to you about custody, many other services, I don't really know what you would need.
They also have support groups and counseling for people being abused or were abused. They can help you with what your rights are.
You won't regret calling.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
They also have support groups and counseling for people being abused or were abused. They can help you with what your rights are.
You won't regret calling.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
Yes, you should call--you are definitely not wasting their time. Financial abuse is a way that he can and is hurting you. They can help you determine what other help you can get, like legal counsel. For me, divorce was the only way to deal with the messy financial situation with my exAH. Once you file for divorce you will likely get legally enforced child support, and you may get alimony as well. He may want visitation, however, and you may not feel that the children will be safe with him. I don't know your story, but it sounds like there is a history of physical abuse, which may be enough to prevent him from unsupervised contact--that would be something to discuss with an attorney.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Thanks everyone. I will gather up my courage and make the call soon. I love the comment about recovery or drinking not relinquishing him from financial responsibility. I know there are probably resources out there that I know nothing about. I go back and forth between anger and just feeling so sad about how deeply embedded he is in his addiction.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Catherine, absolutely call the hotline---you are not taking their time--they are there to serve you in whatever way that they can. There are many types and ways to abuse besides the obvious physical abuse. Financial abuse is one way of controlling you--and will be recognized as such by those who work with victims of dv.
I know that it can be scarey to make that first call for lots of people, but, you will find them to be very understanding and not judgemental. Remember that it is confidential and there is absolutely nothing for you to lose. You won't regret it.
dandylion
I know that it can be scarey to make that first call for lots of people, but, you will find them to be very understanding and not judgemental. Remember that it is confidential and there is absolutely nothing for you to lose. You won't regret it.
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Catherine,
The things he is threatening you with are probably pure bs. I don't know if you planning divorce or not, but other then DV I would also suggest an attorney. You are most likely entitled to half of all assets accumulated during the marriage, doesn't matter if you worked or not. DV has pro bono attorneys. Also you can usually get a free consultation with an attorney regarding child support, insurance, and spousal support.
Sometimes we need to stop worrying about addiction and start to protect ourselves.
We are here for you.
The things he is threatening you with are probably pure bs. I don't know if you planning divorce or not, but other then DV I would also suggest an attorney. You are most likely entitled to half of all assets accumulated during the marriage, doesn't matter if you worked or not. DV has pro bono attorneys. Also you can usually get a free consultation with an attorney regarding child support, insurance, and spousal support.
Sometimes we need to stop worrying about addiction and start to protect ourselves.
We are here for you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
legal advice much needed
Originally Posted by Catherine628 
#1-Is this an issue to contact the DV hotline about?
#2-I feel I really need to find out about resources and get some legal advice.
#1 above - no
#2 above - yes legal advice much needed
after reading the below -- maybe I'm wrong ?
Mountainman
What Is Domestic Violence?
last updated August 2013
Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive and threatening behaviors that may include physical, emotional, economic and sexual violence as well as intimidation, isolation and coercion. The purpose of domestic violence is to establish and exert power and control over another; men most often use it against their intimate partners, such as current or former spouses, girlfriends, or dating partners. While other forms of violence within the family are also serious, this site will address the unique characteristics of violence against women in their intimate relationships, often referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV).
Domestic violence is behavior that is learned through observation and reinforcement in both the family and society. It is not caused by genetics or illness. Domestic violence is repeated because it works. Domestic violence allows the perpetrator to gain control of the victim through fear and intimidation. Gaining the victim's compliance, even temporarily, reinforces the perpetrator's use of these tactics of control. More importantly, however, the perpetrator's abusive behavior is reinforced by the socially sanctioned belief that men have the right to control women in relationships and the right to use force to ensure that control.[1]
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
#1 above - no
#2 above - yes legal advice much needed
after reading the below -- maybe I'm wrong ?
Mountainman
What Is Domestic Violence?
last updated August 2013
Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive and threatening behaviors that may include physical, emotional, economic and sexual violence as well as intimidation, isolation and coercion. The purpose of domestic violence is to establish and exert power and control over another; men most often use it against their intimate partners, such as current or former spouses, girlfriends, or dating partners. While other forms of violence within the family are also serious, this site will address the unique characteristics of violence against women in their intimate relationships, often referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV).
Domestic violence is behavior that is learned through observation and reinforcement in both the family and society. It is not caused by genetics or illness. Domestic violence is repeated because it works. Domestic violence allows the perpetrator to gain control of the victim through fear and intimidation. Gaining the victim's compliance, even temporarily, reinforces the perpetrator's use of these tactics of control. More importantly, however, the perpetrator's abusive behavior is reinforced by the socially sanctioned belief that men have the right to control women in relationships and the right to use force to ensure that control.[1]
#2 above - yes legal advice much needed
after reading the below -- maybe I'm wrong ?
Mountainman
What Is Domestic Violence?
last updated August 2013
Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive and threatening behaviors that may include physical, emotional, economic and sexual violence as well as intimidation, isolation and coercion. The purpose of domestic violence is to establish and exert power and control over another; men most often use it against their intimate partners, such as current or former spouses, girlfriends, or dating partners. While other forms of violence within the family are also serious, this site will address the unique characteristics of violence against women in their intimate relationships, often referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV).
Domestic violence is behavior that is learned through observation and reinforcement in both the family and society. It is not caused by genetics or illness. Domestic violence is repeated because it works. Domestic violence allows the perpetrator to gain control of the victim through fear and intimidation. Gaining the victim's compliance, even temporarily, reinforces the perpetrator's use of these tactics of control. More importantly, however, the perpetrator's abusive behavior is reinforced by the socially sanctioned belief that men have the right to control women in relationships and the right to use force to ensure that control.[1]
Sorry here, but I have to disagree with this. OP stated she is no longer has to be worried about being physically abused since they separated. Financial control is abuse also. I don't know what she went through when she was with him. She may need a support system. She may still be feeling controlled. She might not feel safe.
I think the answers to the 2 questions are yes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
I have always thought of domestic violence as being physical. While there has been some of that there has been more subtle stuff going back years and years. Silent treatment or him throwing dishes if I asked the wrong questions. Constant unfounded accusations that I was cheating. Constant put downs of my earning potential and career. His need to control all the money since he was making it all. Insisting extra money be withheld from my pay for household expenses. Monitoring my phone. Ok wow. How did I not see all this before??? I think I learned to play my role as the good quiet wife very well.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Catherine,
I have gone through all of that. The things you went through were emotional torture, emotional abuse, he was just tearing you apart.
I remember going through years and years of this, and believe it or not, I didn't mind if he hit me, especially if it left a mark, that was something you could see. You couldn't see the emotional damage, but you could see the physical, and he could see it to, so he would apologize, never really meant it, but at least the fighting stopped for awhile.
Did you ever talk to anyone about this. This I think to me at least, is more devastating then the physical abuse. It destroys you, destroys your self confidence, your self esteem, you become afraid to talk, you always try to agree, it is like they own you, your life.
Please keep talking to us, and yes I do think you should call DV. I am divorced almost 3 years, away from him almost 5 and I still can't trust myself to be me anymore, I can't make decisions, I always look for approval. I'm here for you.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
And thank you mountainmanbob for posting the signs of abuse.
I have gone through all of that. The things you went through were emotional torture, emotional abuse, he was just tearing you apart.
I remember going through years and years of this, and believe it or not, I didn't mind if he hit me, especially if it left a mark, that was something you could see. You couldn't see the emotional damage, but you could see the physical, and he could see it to, so he would apologize, never really meant it, but at least the fighting stopped for awhile.
Did you ever talk to anyone about this. This I think to me at least, is more devastating then the physical abuse. It destroys you, destroys your self confidence, your self esteem, you become afraid to talk, you always try to agree, it is like they own you, your life.
Please keep talking to us, and yes I do think you should call DV. I am divorced almost 3 years, away from him almost 5 and I still can't trust myself to be me anymore, I can't make decisions, I always look for approval. I'm here for you.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
And thank you mountainmanbob for posting the signs of abuse.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 214
Control is at the root of abuse. Financial control is absolutely a face of abuse.
DV hotlines exist to give support and information. If you need free legal assistance, a workshop on financial agreements, mediation, court-ordered payments--or a comforting listener--there is help out there.
They won't judge you, they help people get out from under the unwanted controlling behaviors of another, and direct you to resources that can help you escape, and heal. Good luck!
DV hotlines exist to give support and information. If you need free legal assistance, a workshop on financial agreements, mediation, court-ordered payments--or a comforting listener--there is help out there.
They won't judge you, they help people get out from under the unwanted controlling behaviors of another, and direct you to resources that can help you escape, and heal. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Good for you Catherine. I'm sure that took a lot of effort on your part. That was a gigantic step for you. Just know that we are here for you. I am here for you.
They will believe you, and you will feel comfortable talking to them. I did this.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
They will believe you, and you will feel comfortable talking to them. I did this.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Catherine--I'm proud of you for carrying through and making that call--because I know it wasn't easy. Often, that first call is the hardest part!
They will absolutely believe you. These people are extensively train in abuse and they recognize it in all the subtleties and presentations. Their sole goal is to be there to help you in any way that they can.
You have just made a very good step toward changing your circumstances!
dandylion
They will absolutely believe you. These people are extensively train in abuse and they recognize it in all the subtleties and presentations. Their sole goal is to be there to help you in any way that they can.
You have just made a very good step toward changing your circumstances!
dandylion
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