Wanting to understand recovery from non-alcoholic
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: wisconsin
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Wanting to understand recovery from non-alcoholic
Hello,
I am not sure if I am in the correct forum. If not can someone direct me to the right one?
Boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me few months back. I was so devastated and he said he did not want to do it but he had to. I was the most beautiful women he ever met and his best friend but I deserve better. I was devastated and asked him why? He said he cant go one night without drinking he has tried to quit but cant. If he didn't stop he would end up killing himself. He said he joined AA and has a sponsor & if he continues to be with me he is afraid it will break his sobriety right now. He said he wants to work it out but it cant happen right now. He said he just cant give me what I need right now. Of course I was so upset. I told him I will support you in every way I can & I am not judging you at all & I love you unconditionally. He said his sobriety is very important and I 100% agreed but
Why when things get hard & you love someone and you are new to sobriety you dont want to be with them? Why would he say he is afraid I would break his sobriety when I did not do anything?
After few months he called me last week to see how I was doing. Of course things have been hard for me & I still do not understand what is going on. He apologized for being greedy and selfish in relationship. He said he was so sorry he put me through all that. I asked him...well does this mean you still want to talk to me? I said if you dont want to talk to me every again you need to tell me so I can move on? Otherwise let's just give it some time...
All he said to me was he could't answer me and he did not know. So he never answered my question and said he had to go.
Have not heard from him in 2 weeks.
Can you help me and tell me what it is like for new sober person to just not want to bee with someone they love and wanted to marry?
I am not sure if I am in the correct forum. If not can someone direct me to the right one?
Boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me few months back. I was so devastated and he said he did not want to do it but he had to. I was the most beautiful women he ever met and his best friend but I deserve better. I was devastated and asked him why? He said he cant go one night without drinking he has tried to quit but cant. If he didn't stop he would end up killing himself. He said he joined AA and has a sponsor & if he continues to be with me he is afraid it will break his sobriety right now. He said he wants to work it out but it cant happen right now. He said he just cant give me what I need right now. Of course I was so upset. I told him I will support you in every way I can & I am not judging you at all & I love you unconditionally. He said his sobriety is very important and I 100% agreed but
Why when things get hard & you love someone and you are new to sobriety you dont want to be with them? Why would he say he is afraid I would break his sobriety when I did not do anything?
After few months he called me last week to see how I was doing. Of course things have been hard for me & I still do not understand what is going on. He apologized for being greedy and selfish in relationship. He said he was so sorry he put me through all that. I asked him...well does this mean you still want to talk to me? I said if you dont want to talk to me every again you need to tell me so I can move on? Otherwise let's just give it some time...
All he said to me was he could't answer me and he did not know. So he never answered my question and said he had to go.
Have not heard from him in 2 weeks.
Can you help me and tell me what it is like for new sober person to just not want to bee with someone they love and wanted to marry?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi, I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. Your BF sounds like a sincere person who has put his recovery first. There's a possibility that his phone call to apologise to you was part of his doing the steps, and addressing his past behaviours.
I guess some people who are really serious about recovery can't handle a relationship at the same time. They have to give it 100%. But if he didn't take this seriously he would be no good to himself or you. If you read some of the threads in F&F of Alcoholics you'll see what it's like a few years down the path, and it's not pretty.
Have you considered Al-Anon where there will be others you understand what it's like to love an alcoholic?
I guess some people who are really serious about recovery can't handle a relationship at the same time. They have to give it 100%. But if he didn't take this seriously he would be no good to himself or you. If you read some of the threads in F&F of Alcoholics you'll see what it's like a few years down the path, and it's not pretty.
Have you considered Al-Anon where there will be others you understand what it's like to love an alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Welcome, ptrn. You're in the right forum. 
Many of us here have been in your shoes. I echo everything that FeelingGreat said.
Recovery is a lot of work and your bf sounds like he is serious about his recovery. I've heard it recommended many times that an alcoholic in recovery should abstain from a relationship for at least a full year. It's good advice.
There is no magic pill that can erase your pain. I'm sorry your hurting, because I know how awful that pain is. SR is a great place to read, ask questions, and learn about alcoholism, and maybe most importantly to learn about yourself. Stick around long enough and you'll see what I mean. There is no crystal ball that will help you determine whether you have a future with your boyfriend. But this is an opportunity for you to put your focus on yourself and how you can carve your own path of happiness, independent of his decisions.
Al-Anon is an awesome resource. So is SR--the people here are amazing--full of wisdom gained in their own trials and triumphs. Glad to have you here!
Many of us here have been in your shoes. I echo everything that FeelingGreat said.
Recovery is a lot of work and your bf sounds like he is serious about his recovery. I've heard it recommended many times that an alcoholic in recovery should abstain from a relationship for at least a full year. It's good advice.
There is no magic pill that can erase your pain. I'm sorry your hurting, because I know how awful that pain is. SR is a great place to read, ask questions, and learn about alcoholism, and maybe most importantly to learn about yourself. Stick around long enough and you'll see what I mean. There is no crystal ball that will help you determine whether you have a future with your boyfriend. But this is an opportunity for you to put your focus on yourself and how you can carve your own path of happiness, independent of his decisions.
Al-Anon is an awesome resource. So is SR--the people here are amazing--full of wisdom gained in their own trials and triumphs. Glad to have you here!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I don’t really know anything for sure, but my small minded guess would be that relationships bring complications. To everyone. Inside a relationship you no longer have the ability to just focus on yourself, you have this whole other person you need or want to care for emotionally. I tend to think the drinking is just the symptom of the underlying problem. There is no telling what feelings he’s buried with his drinking. He may just need some time to sort those out and really get to know and understand his own emotions without self-medication and without feeling the need to make sure you are ok. It doesn't mean he doesn't care for and love you, but sometimes it feels easier to lets someone go, then ask them to hold on and wait indefinitely while you figure out your own side of the street. I could be completely off base, these are just my thoughts. I’m so sorry for your pain, I would also suggest Al-Anon as others have. It’s been helpful to me in the short amount of time I've been there.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, ptrn7960.
It's ok for him to say he can't offer you what you want and need right now. And I think he's being honest and up front about it, which is the right thing to do. This isn't as much about "early sobriety" as it is him knowing you want (this) and he wants (that) and the two don't mesh well. Sometimes that happens in relationships, and yes, it is very sad.
But instead of questioning it related to alcoholism and feeling rejected by him, maybe try to see it as a gift he is giving you and be grateful for it? He's allowing you the chance to find someone who can meet your needs and wants completely! Imagine what that would look like - a guy who really wants to be in a relationship with you. Wouldn't you rather wait and have that instead of this?
Break ups hurt. But when we can look at the benefits underneath the emotions, I think you may find more of those than you realize now. Life with an alcoholic, in recovery or not, is challenging and bumpy. Stick around here for a while and keep reading. It has really helped me come to terms with my own divorce from an A.
Peace,
~T
It's ok for him to say he can't offer you what you want and need right now. And I think he's being honest and up front about it, which is the right thing to do. This isn't as much about "early sobriety" as it is him knowing you want (this) and he wants (that) and the two don't mesh well. Sometimes that happens in relationships, and yes, it is very sad.
But instead of questioning it related to alcoholism and feeling rejected by him, maybe try to see it as a gift he is giving you and be grateful for it? He's allowing you the chance to find someone who can meet your needs and wants completely! Imagine what that would look like - a guy who really wants to be in a relationship with you. Wouldn't you rather wait and have that instead of this?
Break ups hurt. But when we can look at the benefits underneath the emotions, I think you may find more of those than you realize now. Life with an alcoholic, in recovery or not, is challenging and bumpy. Stick around here for a while and keep reading. It has really helped me come to terms with my own divorce from an A.
Peace,
~T
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 5
Feeling Great
Feeling Great,
Thank you for your advice. I am glad he is taking care of himself as I think this is so important so he can be guided in the right direction. From what he said was that he needs to get healthy first before trying to work things out. I just want the very best for him and I am just glad he was honest with me. I was considering Al-Anon just to get a better understanding of it all. Again thank you for your kind words.
Thank you for your advice. I am glad he is taking care of himself as I think this is so important so he can be guided in the right direction. From what he said was that he needs to get healthy first before trying to work things out. I just want the very best for him and I am just glad he was honest with me. I was considering Al-Anon just to get a better understanding of it all. Again thank you for your kind words.
Last edited by ptrn7960; 10-18-2013 at 11:37 AM. Reason: Unable to reply directly to thread
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Can you help me and tell me what it is like for new sober person to just not want to bee with someone they love and wanted to marry?
Of course it changes and we toughen up but it takes time. Right now the most loving thing you can do for him is giving him the time and space to put sobriety first. Only 30% reach one year. And it's a matter of life and death.
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