Springs

Hi - It's been a few weeks so I just wanted to check in. As I've written about I've been living apart from my RAH since May but have been away from my apartment for the last three months. My RAH got a sublet as I requested and I'm back in our apartment. It's nice to be among my things but sad to be here without him.

I initially left b/c I discovered my husband's alcoholism and my denial in the ER and he wouldn't agree to get sober. Since then he's found AA, gotten a sponsor and seems to be diligently working the steps. He seems more and more to be whole present person each time I see him (about once a week). And, if he's to be believed is over 100 days sober.

I, on the other hand, am really struggling. I'm seeing a therapist and going to several al anon meetings a week. I love al anon meetings, and really enjoy time with other friends and family, but I spend a lot of alone time feeling down and sad. I've just decided to try to get a sponsor myself and start working the steps b/c I need to start doing better. I'm just so heartbroken that this relationship and marriage was built on so many lies and I somehow can't seem to emotionally start to heal. I feel as sad as I did a couple of months ago.

Part of it is, now that my RAH is doing better it begs the question - do I want to recommit to this marriage or leave? Emotionally I want to recommit if he shows me he is doing the hard work to stay sober and become someone who can be a true partner. I love him and am amazed and the progress he's made in recovering. Mentally, I'm terrified of signing up for a real risk of sadness and heartbreak. I'm 34, no kids, but having a family is very important to me before this all happened we had planned to start our family this year. I'm clearly not doing that now, but because of all this I no longer trust my husband, or really even myself, to make good decisions about becoming, and being parents.

Fathom

Hugs, Springs. Be gentle with yourself. You had big plans for yourself this year and now those plans have been tossed upside down and turned inside out. That's a lot to work through and to come to terms with. He's not working through any of those realities yet, just the reality that he needs to be sober. Stop comparing your progress to what you perceive is his (or anyone else's for that matter).

You are doing all the right things for you right now - coming here, going to multiple AlAnon meetings each week, looking into getting a sponsor, seeing a personal therapist, and hanging with friends and family. Even that alone time is good. You need that time to process all those emotions and thoughts that get stirred up when you aren't alone. That reminds me a lot of the time during my yoga class called "shavasana". That's when you lay on the mat on your back completely relaxed for a long time at the end of the class. It is an integral part of the class because they say our bodies need that time to process all the hard work we just made it do earlier. And, let's face it, once I'm out the door I'm not likely to go home and do the shavasana on my own. I lack the self discipline to do that. It can be uncomfortable laying there with nothing but my own thoughts. But, I also know it's really good for me.

I know it's a frustratingly slow process, but you'll get there in time. Try to be patient with yourself and keep up the good work.

Peace,
Fathom

djayr

I am reminded of myself in your post, because I was in a similar situation with XAW at about the same age, no kids, wanted kids, but never got it done with the merry go round of alcoholism.

Long story short, when I was in your situation I would give her another chance because like you I loved her deeply and I REALLY love her sober. So if she was sober like your AH is right now, I would always try to work it out.

Now I am 46 years old, 19 year marriage just ended, never did have kids, and over the entire period AW relapsed every single time (like 10 times) following bright spots like the one your A is now enjoying. What a freaking ordeal.

I personally was never able to say no to her if she was trying and she was sober. In your current situation I found it impossible to call it quits.

But in the end that worked out crappy. She would get sober and draw me back in, but then weeks, or months, or one time 1.5 years later -- back to full blown life destroying chronic vodka drinking 24/7!

It all ended when she cheated on me. Sometimes I really feel like an idiot.

You said it yourself, you could be signing on for some real sadness and heartbreak. Perhaps it is unavoidable, because I have personally found it difficult to stop caring for someone even after you are no longer together. So I don't know.

I really do wish you the best, take your time and God bless.

LifeRecovery

Springs-

I was 34 when I separated and got divorced. No kids, though I was pretty sure they were something I wanted in my life.

I don't know if that will happen or not, but I do know that for a variety of reasons it is probably a good thing that I did not bring the extra piece of a child into a relationship with my loved one. He was not interested in recovery, and it would have just have made it harder to make the right decision for me. I had to grieve not only the relationship but the dreams I had around the relationship. That was very hard for me, and it takes time.

Through Al-Anon, therapy etc I have trust that it is going to work out like it should. I am not ready for another relationship (and turn 37 in the next month). I know that. I am starting to rethink how to have children in my life. What does it look like? I am not sure yet, but it feels good to know that there are options for me. Previously I felt like there were so few because of how I thought it needed to look. I am saving money so as I work through my options I get the ability to put them into action too.

honeypig

Springs, why not give it some more time? Granted, there will never be a "relapse guarantee", but I often see it said here that a year of good solid sobriety/recovery should be the bare minimum before re-committing to a relationship. If he is telling the truth, he is barely 3 months into that time period.

I understand how you feel about the risk of getting involved and going thru all this again. My A has a similar amount of sobriety to yours (again, as far as I know) and I feel much the same--I would like to put myself into the relationship 100% but right now am afraid to do so, same as you. Still processing the past 17 years, looking for perspective, trying to figure out what was real and what wasn't, looking ahead at what the future might hold, and doing my best not to do either of those 2 things so much that I lose sight of today....not easy.

So maybe consider just taking some more time--maybe get to that 1-year mark, and see how you feel then. Maybe put that forth in one of your Alanon meetings or w/your sponsor and see what else they have to say about that?

dandylion

Springs, on this one point: I suggest that you investigate the option of freezing your eggs. I am serious. technology has made that available to us, now. Something that women of my age didn't have. I'm just saying that you might investigate it and see what you think.

Fertility starts to dwindle in the lat 20's a bit and really drops at around age 35. Many women still don't know this--so I am just saying......

dandylion

CarryOn

Hi Springs,

I think I've posted on one of your threads before...our stories seem quite similar. I *just* turned 35...RAH has been out of the house since March. No kids, still want them. I keep asking myself and my counselor keeps asking me...how long do you want to wait? How long do you give him?

I see some incredibly positive signs in my RAH...he knows he is an alcoholic, he knows he has been very selfish, he is making strides to living a healthier, more productive life, he is going to counseling. However, I question his commitment to a program as he does not attend meetings while traveling and does not have a sponsor.

I have told him that he needs to break the don't talk/don't trust/don't feel mentality that he was raised with before we can really work on the marriage. I've also told him that our marriage as it was no longer exists - we must create a new, healthy marriage if we will stay together.

At this point...my focus is on "getting a life" as my counselor says. My friends all have kids & live further away now so I don't have any close friends that I can call up to see a movie or whatever. I work, take care of my house, and enjoy solitary activities so I'm trying to figure out what I may like that will get me out and among people.

Dandylion, thanks for your suggestion...I've been thinking about this, too. I have a doctor's appointment next month so I think that will be the first step in further investigating my fertility and what options I may have for extending it. That will make me feel better.

I really have no suggestions...just support to give. It helps me to know that I'm not the only person in this situation. I know I'm not yet ready to give up - I love this man, we built a wonderful life and achieved many of our shared goals together. We had about 9 years together before his relapse sent our relationship reeling. I can now look back and see the patterns of behavior that got us here...now its up to us to change that. Hugs, my friend.

Springs

Oh thank you all for these kind and gentle responses. I found reading everything you had to say so helpful and really appreciate the support. It is amazing how helpful support over the internet can feel.