I'm hurting sooooo bad......I just want it to stop
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Virginia
Posts: 175
I'm hurting sooooo bad......I just want it to stop
You guys are probably sick of hearing from me I know but I can't help it. As I sit here crying my eyes out I can't help but to think that I must be going crazy. I have these beautiful kids hanging on my shoulders but still I sit here worrying about what my A said to me just a few minutes ago on the phone.
I know I'm the reason we're apart. If only i would say ok we would be back together but then where would I be. I don't know what to believe and what not to believe anymore. He gloats and almost laughs at me because he knows it bothers me that he has a new girlfriend that just happens to be my age which is five years younger than him and she has a daughter the same age as my oldest. Shouldn't I just be glad that he's turned his focus and attention on someone else away from me so hopefully I can pull my life back together. I'm sooo jealous though I can't stand it. What does she have that I don't? She must be a better person than me. I hate my life sometimes.
Sorry about this post. I'm going to go now and try to be there for my kids. I need to stop being so selfish my kids need me right now.
Galnva
I know I'm the reason we're apart. If only i would say ok we would be back together but then where would I be. I don't know what to believe and what not to believe anymore. He gloats and almost laughs at me because he knows it bothers me that he has a new girlfriend that just happens to be my age which is five years younger than him and she has a daughter the same age as my oldest. Shouldn't I just be glad that he's turned his focus and attention on someone else away from me so hopefully I can pull my life back together. I'm sooo jealous though I can't stand it. What does she have that I don't? She must be a better person than me. I hate my life sometimes.
Sorry about this post. I'm going to go now and try to be there for my kids. I need to stop being so selfish my kids need me right now.
Galnva
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
What does she have that you don't? An unrepentant addict and the lack of experience to think she can deal with it. Pity her.
Nobody blames you for crying. Attachments to other people sometimes defy logic. But what you are describing sounds like the cruelest kind of manipulation. It could be the addiction making him cruel, but if that's the case... as long as he's using, that's what he'll be.
Hang on.
Hugs,
Smoke
Nobody blames you for crying. Attachments to other people sometimes defy logic. But what you are describing sounds like the cruelest kind of manipulation. It could be the addiction making him cruel, but if that's the case... as long as he's using, that's what he'll be.
Hang on.
Hugs,
Smoke
Guest
Posts: n/a
galnva,
That pain is so horrible and the jealousy feels horrible. I know it doesn't help much, but this will get better. You're not crazy, and I feel that you're making the right decision and very brave to have come this far.
Don't turn back now. One day you will find someone who makes you the most important person in his life. And one day you will think you're the most important person in your life, besides the kids of course.
This other woman doesn't have anything that you don't have. When she gets wiser, he will end up doing the same thing to her. He is not the only source of love for you. You will be able to love again. You'll learn to be ok without him. This is the rough part. Don't give up now.
Hugs,
MG
That pain is so horrible and the jealousy feels horrible. I know it doesn't help much, but this will get better. You're not crazy, and I feel that you're making the right decision and very brave to have come this far.
Don't turn back now. One day you will find someone who makes you the most important person in his life. And one day you will think you're the most important person in your life, besides the kids of course.
This other woman doesn't have anything that you don't have. When she gets wiser, he will end up doing the same thing to her. He is not the only source of love for you. You will be able to love again. You'll learn to be ok without him. This is the rough part. Don't give up now.
Hugs,
MG
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Go ahead and cry. It's okay to mourn even if you are not sure what you are mourning. You are facing losses and changes right now and acknowledging that your dream didn't come true. Someday you may see that the dream was really a nightmare.
Smoke is right. He is being deliberately cruel and trying to prove, probably to himself, that his choices are okay. His nightmare will continue until he faces the reality of what he is doing.
You are a terrific person and life will get better for you. I know that doesn't help right now and words don't mean much when you hurt so bad, but I promise that you will heal and be happier in days to come. If you have any support, meetings, counselling, a good friend who understands, now is the time to let them work with you too. The more you can start to distract yourself from this, not deny but distract or stop obsessing, you will start to feel better, a little bit at a time.
We are always here for you. Feel free to post as much as you want to.
Hugs
Ann
Smoke is right. He is being deliberately cruel and trying to prove, probably to himself, that his choices are okay. His nightmare will continue until he faces the reality of what he is doing.
You are a terrific person and life will get better for you. I know that doesn't help right now and words don't mean much when you hurt so bad, but I promise that you will heal and be happier in days to come. If you have any support, meetings, counselling, a good friend who understands, now is the time to let them work with you too. The more you can start to distract yourself from this, not deny but distract or stop obsessing, you will start to feel better, a little bit at a time.
We are always here for you. Feel free to post as much as you want to.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Colorado
Posts: 161
Is he still using? If so she has an addictive addict and you don't!! YIPEE!!!! *****!!! let her have him....
If he isn't using or drinking then she has a master manipulator and person who does not know how to treat the mother of his kids with respect and you don't... YIPPEE!!! WAHOO!!! Let her have him....
You said it yourself he knows the buttons to push and he is getting some sick joy out of doing it to you.... So this is how he is getting his happiness??? YEAH - I want to be in his shoes... Thank you but NO!!!
What does she have that you don't.....Nothing as far as I am concerned... She has what is left of him... She will be in the same boat sooner or later... He can not keep the charade up for long....Honey - when he pulls this S!!T, hang up the phone..... You don't need the verbal abuse? do you? You have a choice on how to react like this... you can lay down and take it or you can fight back.... you can fight back by reminding yourself of your steps... you can remind yourself this is his way of trying to take control of your life, it is his way of trying to keep you in a place where he has power and control and to sap your strength...
You know the inner strength that you have.... It is tremendous and it multiplies exponetionally when you shrug your shoulders and look up to the clouds and say - HP, take this crap off my shoulders.....
I want to share something I found very profound in a book I am reading called finding your north star... I recommend it to EVERYONE... but you have to do the homework in it too... I am reading the chapter called " just because you are paranoid doesn't mean everyone is out to get you" and pardon me while I paraphrase.....
Does anyone see themselves in this???
From Finding your own north star, claiming the life you were meant to live by Marth Beck (it's an oprah book
)
"don't look now but some very powerful people are trying to stop you from reaching your north star.... unless we deal with tem, you might as well call off the whole trip. the conspirators marshaled against you are the very people who exiled your essential self in the first place, the ones who put your overgrown social self in complete command of your life. right this minute , they are rallying to keep you from making positive changes. who are they? EVERYBODY that who..... People in general, Society at large. The whole six billion member kit and kaboodle we call the human race....
You think I sound a teensy bit paranoid? Hey I didn't come up with this on my own. I have many, many informed sources, My clients have a very firm grasp of what everybody thinks and they share this information with me almost everyday.... they say such things as:
" if quit my job/have a baby/marry my secretary, EVERYONE will lose respect for me......
Ah yeas everybody seems to know what everybody thinks...it is fascinating to get a bunch of people together to ask about what EVERYBODY thinks because each individual is CONVINCED that he or she has a finger on the pulse of some universal zeitgeist, each of their ever bodies turns out to be a very small slice of the human pie……..
No matter how deeply your essential self longs to find real love, the real mission, the real meaning of life, your social self WILL NOT let you embrace these things as long as EVERYBODY disapproves. The social self is not opposed to reaching your north star, per se; it just won’t all you to proceed towards it until you get your everybody’s permission. Actually, the social self would prefer that you don’t do anything, anything at all, until everybody kneels down and BEGS you to do it…..
Remember your social self is just trying to keep you from getting hurt. Everything it says maybe partially true. Some people may indeed think you a failure if you quit your job and move back to San Diego wearing purple socks. What your social self does not know is that 1) a very few people actually feel that way; 2) these people are not likely to be the best source of information about your ideal life and 3) there maybe a whole bunch of other people who would actually praise and accept you for doing exactly what you feels best your essential self. By installing a hypercritical social group ( and I ogly – count our addicts and alcoholics as a HYPER CRITICAL GROUP) as your definition of EVERYBODY, your social self may well be keeping you from the EVERYBODY who will applaud you and support your quest for your north star……..
( am skipping over the homework section where you make a list of all of your everybody’s to get to my actual favorite part)
An important part about your everybody list is that it’s probably made up of loved ones and partly hated ones. Yes, it’s true: Every single day , you hand over control of your life to the very people you most dislike. This irony is almost universal. Especially when you’re striking out in a new direction, feeling alit bit scared and vulnerable, the voice of EVERYBODY begins to sound just like the most demanding, rigid , narrow minded and frankly stupid people you know. Why? Because the social self is programmed to AVOID DANGER and nasty people are far more dangerous than the loving accepting folks in your universe. If you are sitting in a room full of 10 darling, harmless little puppies and one big GIGANTIC deadly cobra, your not going to ignore the snake and just lose yourself in frolicking with the puppies, right?
Right, so you fill the few chairs in your everybody committee with the most insecure, vindictive jerks who have ever hurt your feelings. In fact, your social self is so devoted to this merry band of lowlifes that it tries to preempt an emotional thrashing by IMAGINING how they would respond to your choices before you even make them.
This is a useful and even wise response when you are completely surrounded by hostile people. I see a lot of clients who were raised in emotionally and sometimes physically dangerous situations, where large, powerful adults repeatedly blasted any attempts they made to find their north stars, As children, they accurately asses the situation, then shut down their emotional selves to keep them from getting damaged any further. That’s a healthy defense mechanism. It become unhealthy when people leave dangerous situations but continue to believe that EVERYBODY is an extension of those that hurt them. A really scarred and scared social self will set your view of EVERYBODY in cement, refusing to even perceive objective information about people who differ from your expectations. This in turn make you react in ways that actually elicit all the negative behaviors you’ve come to expect, which reinforces your expectations, and so on and so on. Before long you are riding along on a vicious cycle with a crushed glass seat……..
Does anyone see themselves in this???
If he isn't using or drinking then she has a master manipulator and person who does not know how to treat the mother of his kids with respect and you don't... YIPPEE!!! WAHOO!!! Let her have him....
You said it yourself he knows the buttons to push and he is getting some sick joy out of doing it to you.... So this is how he is getting his happiness??? YEAH - I want to be in his shoes... Thank you but NO!!!
What does she have that you don't.....Nothing as far as I am concerned... She has what is left of him... She will be in the same boat sooner or later... He can not keep the charade up for long....Honey - when he pulls this S!!T, hang up the phone..... You don't need the verbal abuse? do you? You have a choice on how to react like this... you can lay down and take it or you can fight back.... you can fight back by reminding yourself of your steps... you can remind yourself this is his way of trying to take control of your life, it is his way of trying to keep you in a place where he has power and control and to sap your strength...
You know the inner strength that you have.... It is tremendous and it multiplies exponetionally when you shrug your shoulders and look up to the clouds and say - HP, take this crap off my shoulders.....
I want to share something I found very profound in a book I am reading called finding your north star... I recommend it to EVERYONE... but you have to do the homework in it too... I am reading the chapter called " just because you are paranoid doesn't mean everyone is out to get you" and pardon me while I paraphrase.....
Does anyone see themselves in this???
From Finding your own north star, claiming the life you were meant to live by Marth Beck (it's an oprah book
)"don't look now but some very powerful people are trying to stop you from reaching your north star.... unless we deal with tem, you might as well call off the whole trip. the conspirators marshaled against you are the very people who exiled your essential self in the first place, the ones who put your overgrown social self in complete command of your life. right this minute , they are rallying to keep you from making positive changes. who are they? EVERYBODY that who..... People in general, Society at large. The whole six billion member kit and kaboodle we call the human race....
You think I sound a teensy bit paranoid? Hey I didn't come up with this on my own. I have many, many informed sources, My clients have a very firm grasp of what everybody thinks and they share this information with me almost everyday.... they say such things as:
" if quit my job/have a baby/marry my secretary, EVERYONE will lose respect for me......
Ah yeas everybody seems to know what everybody thinks...it is fascinating to get a bunch of people together to ask about what EVERYBODY thinks because each individual is CONVINCED that he or she has a finger on the pulse of some universal zeitgeist, each of their ever bodies turns out to be a very small slice of the human pie……..
No matter how deeply your essential self longs to find real love, the real mission, the real meaning of life, your social self WILL NOT let you embrace these things as long as EVERYBODY disapproves. The social self is not opposed to reaching your north star, per se; it just won’t all you to proceed towards it until you get your everybody’s permission. Actually, the social self would prefer that you don’t do anything, anything at all, until everybody kneels down and BEGS you to do it…..
Remember your social self is just trying to keep you from getting hurt. Everything it says maybe partially true. Some people may indeed think you a failure if you quit your job and move back to San Diego wearing purple socks. What your social self does not know is that 1) a very few people actually feel that way; 2) these people are not likely to be the best source of information about your ideal life and 3) there maybe a whole bunch of other people who would actually praise and accept you for doing exactly what you feels best your essential self. By installing a hypercritical social group ( and I ogly – count our addicts and alcoholics as a HYPER CRITICAL GROUP) as your definition of EVERYBODY, your social self may well be keeping you from the EVERYBODY who will applaud you and support your quest for your north star……..
( am skipping over the homework section where you make a list of all of your everybody’s to get to my actual favorite part)
An important part about your everybody list is that it’s probably made up of loved ones and partly hated ones. Yes, it’s true: Every single day , you hand over control of your life to the very people you most dislike. This irony is almost universal. Especially when you’re striking out in a new direction, feeling alit bit scared and vulnerable, the voice of EVERYBODY begins to sound just like the most demanding, rigid , narrow minded and frankly stupid people you know. Why? Because the social self is programmed to AVOID DANGER and nasty people are far more dangerous than the loving accepting folks in your universe. If you are sitting in a room full of 10 darling, harmless little puppies and one big GIGANTIC deadly cobra, your not going to ignore the snake and just lose yourself in frolicking with the puppies, right?
Right, so you fill the few chairs in your everybody committee with the most insecure, vindictive jerks who have ever hurt your feelings. In fact, your social self is so devoted to this merry band of lowlifes that it tries to preempt an emotional thrashing by IMAGINING how they would respond to your choices before you even make them.
This is a useful and even wise response when you are completely surrounded by hostile people. I see a lot of clients who were raised in emotionally and sometimes physically dangerous situations, where large, powerful adults repeatedly blasted any attempts they made to find their north stars, As children, they accurately asses the situation, then shut down their emotional selves to keep them from getting damaged any further. That’s a healthy defense mechanism. It become unhealthy when people leave dangerous situations but continue to believe that EVERYBODY is an extension of those that hurt them. A really scarred and scared social self will set your view of EVERYBODY in cement, refusing to even perceive objective information about people who differ from your expectations. This in turn make you react in ways that actually elicit all the negative behaviors you’ve come to expect, which reinforces your expectations, and so on and so on. Before long you are riding along on a vicious cycle with a crushed glass seat……..
Does anyone see themselves in this???
Guest
Posts: n/a
I'm gonna go out on a limb here. Ignore it if it doesn't make sense. My experience tells me that your pain has nothing to do with your A. It has attached itself there, but my guess is that you've had this pain for a very long time. I don't know who your HP is, but try to be still and let your HP show you what the pain is.
Your mind knows all the answers, but the pain has it's own agenda. Know the truth and the truth will set you free. If you don't deal with the pain now you will fall back into the same trap again.
I just think there is something you haven't faced and haven't accepted. You might not even remember what it is. But it's in there and you can remember. It's a very frightening experience to face what ever could have caused you to experience such intense pain. Don't be afraid.
This is how I got rid of my pain and stopped the addiction. It took four long painful relationships before I did it though. I just don't want to see you go through this again.
Please ignore this if it doesn't fit. I just wanted to share a possible way of healing.
MG
P.S. Look at it as if you are a volcano and the pain is the lava flowing out. Your A is like a cork that can stop the lava from flowing, but the lava would still be in the volcano. You can't live without the cork because the lava is so painful. If you let the lava completely flow out, you won't need a cork anymore.
<small>[ May 23, 2002, 10:55 PM: Message edited by: Morning Glory ]</small>
Your mind knows all the answers, but the pain has it's own agenda. Know the truth and the truth will set you free. If you don't deal with the pain now you will fall back into the same trap again.
I just think there is something you haven't faced and haven't accepted. You might not even remember what it is. But it's in there and you can remember. It's a very frightening experience to face what ever could have caused you to experience such intense pain. Don't be afraid.
This is how I got rid of my pain and stopped the addiction. It took four long painful relationships before I did it though. I just don't want to see you go through this again.
Please ignore this if it doesn't fit. I just wanted to share a possible way of healing.
MG
P.S. Look at it as if you are a volcano and the pain is the lava flowing out. Your A is like a cork that can stop the lava from flowing, but the lava would still be in the volcano. You can't live without the cork because the lava is so painful. If you let the lava completely flow out, you won't need a cork anymore.
<small>[ May 23, 2002, 10:55 PM: Message edited by: Morning Glory ]</small>
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Hi Galnva, I am sorry you are feeling this intense pain. I agree with your thoughts about spending more time and energy with your kids right now. It is so hard for us to change our thinking and actions. I understand your pain and encourage you to move forward. You are doing the right thing and he is stuck somewhere else. Take good care..........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Virginia
Posts: 175
Thanks so much you guys. I feel a little better today. I couldn't sleep very well last night. I was going to get back on line since I couldn't sleep but I just laid there sobbing my eyes out in pity.
I've decided that I'm not doing that today. MG - I think you're right. There is something deep within that I can't even remember causing me so much pain and I believe that's why I feel I can't let go of A.
I don't know if I told you guys or not but Tuesday night my dad was extremely drunk and was very nasty towards me. I've been the one constant in his life and he said F... Y.. to me. At that very moment my heart dropped to the ground and the tears started flowing. It was after that that I felt like I was missing my husband. It was like I was looking towards him for comfort. Why would I look for comfort from the other A in my life?
I'm jealous that my husband is replacing me as if I am nobody. I knew this time was coming that he would have someone else in his life but she has a child so I feel like my kids may end up loving her more than me. I know that sounds crazy but that's how I feel. I'm jealous that she'll be a big part of my children's life.
Last night my husband said "I quit smoking pot - I don't understand why I can't quit drinking". So yes Ogly - he is still actively drinking. I know in my heart that he would rather be with me and this other women realy doesn't mean anything to him but it doesn't seem to sink in. My heart and head can't get it together. I still feel worthless and inadequate. I guess there lies the problem.
After time it seems that alot of the craziness and bad times fade away and all you remember is the good times. My mind is playing tricks on me. I know there were alot more bad times than good but the good times usually were really good. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time letting go because it's the expectations of what it could be.
Today - I'm going to think of all the positive things about myself that I know to be true.
Thanks for all of your help. I realllllyyyyyy need it right now.
Love you guys,
Galnva
I've decided that I'm not doing that today. MG - I think you're right. There is something deep within that I can't even remember causing me so much pain and I believe that's why I feel I can't let go of A.
I don't know if I told you guys or not but Tuesday night my dad was extremely drunk and was very nasty towards me. I've been the one constant in his life and he said F... Y.. to me. At that very moment my heart dropped to the ground and the tears started flowing. It was after that that I felt like I was missing my husband. It was like I was looking towards him for comfort. Why would I look for comfort from the other A in my life?
I'm jealous that my husband is replacing me as if I am nobody. I knew this time was coming that he would have someone else in his life but she has a child so I feel like my kids may end up loving her more than me. I know that sounds crazy but that's how I feel. I'm jealous that she'll be a big part of my children's life.
Last night my husband said "I quit smoking pot - I don't understand why I can't quit drinking". So yes Ogly - he is still actively drinking. I know in my heart that he would rather be with me and this other women realy doesn't mean anything to him but it doesn't seem to sink in. My heart and head can't get it together. I still feel worthless and inadequate. I guess there lies the problem.
After time it seems that alot of the craziness and bad times fade away and all you remember is the good times. My mind is playing tricks on me. I know there were alot more bad times than good but the good times usually were really good. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time letting go because it's the expectations of what it could be.
Today - I'm going to think of all the positive things about myself that I know to be true.
Thanks for all of your help. I realllllyyyyyy need it right now.
Love you guys,
Galnva
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