Hopeworks

I told my XA that if he stayed in recovery for one year without drinking a drop I would meet him in Tahiti for a date!

It has been over 2 years and no Tahiti...lol!

1 year with no booze says a lot... and if they can't do a year? That says A LOT MORE!!!!

Try it... it works.

lala1027

Thank you for this and for the picture. It's now my wallpaper on my cell phone. The moment I open my phone I see it before I respond to him!

lala1027

I did this today and put it on my bathroom mirror. Since I am constantly getting ready before work and before bed I will see it. Those are the toughest times for me. Thank you

HealingWillCome

To Hammer and Lala,

You're welcome, but I think we can call that HP working. Some accidents are clearly meant to be.

lala1027

Thank you everyone for the advice. I found out today he's currently started seeing a psychiatrist. This is HUGE for him. He recommended him start taking 2 medications but apparently he has not started. He's discussed me and claims he wants me back. He has problems. He says this and I know this. He said today he has a drinking problem and he knows he does. This is the first time he's admitted it. He wants to take things one day at a time, problem is I can't fix this for him. Correct me if I am wrong, I don't believe belong in his life until after he is sober and has worked through some of his own internal issues. I think this is for my own safety and wellbeing. I am going to tell him what people suggested ... That is I will agree to meet him once a month at aa of his psychiatrists office to talk. If there is improvement or sobriety it may be able to increase in the future but right now no. I believe despite all this and him crying for days and having nervous break downs he will still end up at a bar tonight. He wants to talk tomorrow... Why not tonight? I bet everyone can answer why Saturday night is not good for him. Until he's sober it's useless. I genuinely know he loves me more than any other person. But whoever said it was right ... He loves alcohol and himself more. I hope one day I am as strong as all of you. I hope I can one day recognize the words of a dry drunk vs someone who is and wants sobriety from working a program like aa. I have a psychiatrist helping me, I am going to go to al anon this week for myself for more indigent. One day at a time for me. I'm glad I'm still safe even though I'm alone. Thanks again.

LightInside

Another thing to consider:
The longer you're together, the more difficult it might be to leave. I had doubts about my relationship with my ex 2 years in. Five years after that, we have a 1-year-old and HE left, because he was "not becoming the person I feel like I should have become and putting other people before myself by living with them without hesitation... I need to find myself;" and "Relationships are oppressive and the reason why I drink."
Yeah, my ex isn't coming back. And I don't think he's really quit for good (no treatment or program) and I still see the angry, bitter person he's trying not to be. Maybe he really is angry and bitter because of me, but I doubt it.

I made that little poster thingy my computer wallpaper!

I also wrote a list of "Why I Should Not Want J___" It makes me cry, but it's the TRUTH.

Hopeworks

Here is the problem with the A that CLAIMS he "needs" his codie/enabler/gf/miracle worker etc... by his side in order to "get better", get sober, get employed, deal with life etc, etc, etc...

You become the rock and center and responsible for making HIS life work, for his sobriety and of course for the bills, the dishes being washed, his clothes being washed, the house being cleaned, dinner being cooked and on and on and on....

Bottom line... these are adults with problems like all of us have problems. Some have psychological problems, family or origin problems, depression issues and of course the disease of alcoholism. They MUST learn to deal with these problems like big boys (adults?) and allow the one they claim they love the space and time to heal and grow and be working on their own recovery!

The very best scenario (in my opinion and years of dealing with this ad nauseum) is to separate and have minimal contact RECOVERY ORIENTED only. Contact at meetings after a significant amount of time has passed and there are clear signs recovery is authentic and moving forward MIGHT be acceptable if you are sure this is the only human being that could every make you happy on that planet (my belief at during my insane years with my XA).

At least you will have some semblance of independence, some peace and serenity and time to reflect on codependence and alcoholism and its horrible risks and consequences... you can look at life and your relationships with a "new pair of glasses" and so can he if he is real and makes it past a few weeks or months!

It takes that long for their scrambled pickled brains to start connecting the frazzled neurons...

Time is our friend and more will be revealed... don't get sucked in until the odds start getting a lot better.

OnawaMiniya

I've done that before, made a list of reasons, or really a list of things I did not like/couldn't put up with in a relationship and references it whenever I felt sad or upset or weak. It really was helpful. Took me right back to where I needed to be.

ProgressNotPerfection

I don't know about insight, but....

I find it helpful to sit down with a legal pad and pencil, a cup of hot joe and to start a list of all the crap I had in my life when she was here that she packed up and took with her.

1. Fights of stupid things
2. Intentionally sabotaging outings, holidays and other events
3. Constant negativity
4. Degrading comments like "you're a lousy father" or ...

Then, I make a list of the things I miss about her being here.

1. Companionship
2. Shared history
3. sex (with others! )

Then I call my friend Wendy and say "I'm thinking I might want to get back together with her." And she tells me the truth about what my relationship was like (list one).

Euphoric recall is human, real and can make decisions for us without asking us if those decisions are what we really want.

https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&...61.xvMkBRfVrBc

Best of everything......

LightInside

Yes! Euphoric recall! So tricky! And the relationships or the addicts are often our addictions. I saw with that google search that there is an article by William Moyers. I read his memoir - very great story from the addict perspective.

I also noticed a new thread about the neuroscience of breakups that I want to check out. I heard about this new research on NPR. I had no idea that i was going to benefit from knowing it at the time. Basically the brain releases a lot of the same neurotransmitters when we are in love or in relationships that drugs also cause our brains to release. It its recommended by the researchers that we treat a breakup as we would if we were quitting an addiction. Seeing the ex is like going to a bar if you're an alcoholic who's trying to quit drinking. Taking an over the counter pain reliever can actually help ease some of the pain of a broken heart apparently. Very interesting.

Recovering2

You're asking for advice. If he loves you, he will leave you alone while he focuses 100% on sobriety. You have your own work to do, going to your psychiatrist and AlAnon. You don't need him pulling the typical Alcoholic maneuvering to pull you back in. If he's serious about this, he will get sober no matter what. Truth is, he's already telling you he's not serious. He can go to meetings and counselors all he wants, he needs to get sober.

You're stronger than you think. Keep working on you. Don't get pulled back in.

nbay2013

Just my experience, but my strength did not start to come until later; after there was No Contact with him and I could really start to look at myself. It was the pain that was too much to bear and feeling like I was losing my mind that pushed me in the direction of leaving him. Not strength; pain.

LightInside

I was thinking more about this thread and I have this to say.

There was discussion of making decisions with our minds, not our hearts. Personally, my mind said, "This guy makes you feel good about yourself. Keep him." My GUT (intuition) said, "Keep looking." Would i change it, if I could go back and not feel the pain I feel right now? Maybe. However, then I wouldn't have the exact child that I have right now. Maybe I would have no child at all (That was my biggest fear). I don't know what my future holds, but it's pretty likely that I'll feel loads better in the next year or two. Who knows what I will feel about my decision to keep staying with my A by then?

lala1027

I declined his invitation to discuss our relationship. I sent him a very nice message saying I loved him. That I'd love To go back to how we were before alcohol. But I said there's not a significant amount of change and that's not possible today. That he needs SOBRIETY and I need FAITHFULNESS. If he wanted me to meet for an aa meeting or your therapist to talk during his process I will. However, have my own healing process that I am working on. His response after being out all weekend .... "Ok well then on Monday I'll call "first step services" and tell you when my first meeting is!!!!"

Sounds great but my big concern is that he's not serious.

My question is how do I know when he is serious. Everyone says I'll know. Well that doesn't really explain much to me because I've never seen someone become sober. Or know anyone who's had success battling an addiction..

Did I do the right thing? My thinking was if he's drinking I'll never have him as a partner because his partner will be alcohol. And eventually this cycle has to end. I'm worth someone treating me well and he can't treat me well while drunk.

LightInside

Well, I can't say if you did the right thing or not. Sometimes there's more than one right thing or no really right thing at all. You might not have to know right now. There's an Al anon slogan, "Think." As far as I know, it means that it's healthy to take time to think something over, rather than act too swiftly or compulsively. Perhaps sitting with your HP and feeling what you feel would help too.

RhodeIsland

lala1027

If he has indeed changed, not getting back together with him might be the one thing he needs. He needs to learn that some behaviors aren't acceptable - life has no rewind button, and our actions can cost us those we care about. If he has changed, he's done it for himself, and he will find someone. He will be OK without you.

On the same token, you deserve a loving, stable relationship - and he's shown to not be able to provide that. Do it for you - find someone who will make you happy. Real relationships aren't about begging, or wooing with flowers, or pushing for it because it is a need. Relationships develop organically, and what he is doing is trying to force it. Because it isn't natural to get back together with someone who has hurt you.

Be strong.

marie1960

"Sounds great but my big concern is that he's not serious. " (lala)

Doesn't matter if he is serious or not.

What matters is if you are serious.

I had to start being accountable to myself, had nothing to prove to anyone else, I needed normalcy restored to my very out of control life. And the only way I found it was to start taking care of my own needs. I had to find the self respect for myself , that got lost or buried along the way, addicts have a way of robbing us of our own self identity.

BlueSkies1

Yes, you did the right thing. Right for you. Right to have sanity. Your right. Your rights, you're right!
Leave an alcoholic and see if they get better or just replace you.
Being replaced is nothing to cry about if they're still drinking, somebody else has to put up with it.
If they get better? Maybe one day they reconnect with you again on some level.

The important thing is that you don't waste years of your life waiting to find out what they will choose to do!

lala1027

Sounds crazy but I wanted things to work out ... Like how things were when he was sober for our first year together. Now, I'm not sure if it could ever be that way again though. In fact, It can't because it would have to start new and diff. The past 9 months when he's been drinking has been a living nightmare. But until he's sober and in a program I can not allow it to be a thought in my head. Even then, I'm not sure if I can get past all he's done. What a mess and a shame this all is. Thank you all for the advice. I read all the posts daily for months and I'm gradually learning to put myself first again. Don't know how I gave up myself for someone else to begin with.

RhodeIsland

A lot of us have done it. Can't change the past, just the future. Isn't just something people parrot - it's the damn truth.

Our world, the one we perceive grows when we separate ourselves from the those who are negative to our own mental, emotional, and spiritual well being.