Another Newcomer - seeking advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Originally Posted by deeker 
Biblically you know the answer right? Divorce is permissable if adultery is there.
Yes, I have read this scripture. I also know that if he repents, changes his ways, and re-commits to Christ I will not feel the need to do so, nor would it be acceptable in my community.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by AllThings
I do not want to make excuses for my husband. That said, I think this affair was an attempt to focus on something new, exciting, and positive and not focus his energy on himself. He feels pressure at home, pressure at work, pressure from his family, now very negative pressure from MY family, I think he just wanted to escape reality. Does that excuse him? No, never. It's simply how I see it.
The above very well might be true.
However the bigger question is is that reasoning (or any reasoning) acceptable to you?
Is the "reason" for him using/drinking etc acceptable?
The reason I ask is that I spent a significant amount of time thinking about why my loved one drank and had an affair. That kept the focus on him, and on things I could not control.
Yes my loved one had had a rough go of it. The truth of the matter though was that his behavior when drinking (or with the affair) was very self-centered, lying, etc....
The reason "why" at some point stopped being important, and I still had to face the facts that his drinking behavior was unacceptable as was an affair, regardless of the reason why. It hurt, it was disrespectful etc.
I also realized that he was not interested in recovery at some point, as much as I wanted him to be.
I guess I am saying that the reason might not be as important as the behavior is. I would have done better to watch his behavior and stop spinning my wheels about the whys, and come up with what behavior was acceptable/unacceptable to me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts (south shore)
Posts: 125
Originally Posted by AllThings
I am a devout Christian and do not feel like divorce is a viable option for me. I dedicated my life to Christ over two years ago.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Originally Posted by horriblethisis
I am a strong Christian too...but I believe that God helps those who help themselves, and that God would want you to live a happy life.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I'm so sorry your new marriage has unfolded this way allthings. How disappointing.
I believe the first 15 months of a marriage is the "honeymoon stage". Affairs are usually not even desirable during this period.
I also believe that the first year of a marriage we all get to find out just who we married. So many things are shown to us that we didn't know.
So now I believe you are finding out who you married. It's not what you hoped for, and it's not who you believed he was.
But, it is who HE IS.
There's no way to know the first time he cheated, or the first time he lied, or how many times he lied or cheated. There's no way to know just when he started drinking again, because usually these things are revealed after it has been going on secretly for some time.
I wish you clarity as you reconcile the differences between who you thought he was, and who he has shown you that he is.
I believe the first 15 months of a marriage is the "honeymoon stage". Affairs are usually not even desirable during this period.
I also believe that the first year of a marriage we all get to find out just who we married. So many things are shown to us that we didn't know.
So now I believe you are finding out who you married. It's not what you hoped for, and it's not who you believed he was.
But, it is who HE IS.
There's no way to know the first time he cheated, or the first time he lied, or how many times he lied or cheated. There's no way to know just when he started drinking again, because usually these things are revealed after it has been going on secretly for some time.
I wish you clarity as you reconcile the differences between who you thought he was, and who he has shown you that he is.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by AllThings
I KNOW God want me to be happy. My happiness is not determined by my AH.
You honestly feel you can be happy even if your marriage continues to be to a cheating active A?
Or would you then consider divorce?
Not asking in a bitchy way but truly curious. I can't imagine the powers of detachment this would take, at least for me.
I like Blueskies' last line, and I wish you the same.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Allthings, I will tell you this, for sure--it is a lot easier to think clearly when you are not living with your abuser. Living separately from the abuse might do wonders toward restoring (or preserving) your mental health.
Think about it.
dandylion
Think about it.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Originally Posted by honeypig
Wow, quite a statement here....
You honestly feel you can be happy even if your marriage continues to be to a cheating active A?
Or would you then consider divorce?
Not asking in a bitchy way but truly curious. I can't imagine the powers of detachment this would take, at least for me.
I like Blueskies' last line, and I wish you the same.
You honestly feel you can be happy even if your marriage continues to be to a cheating active A?
Or would you then consider divorce?
Not asking in a bitchy way but truly curious. I can't imagine the powers of detachment this would take, at least for me.
I like Blueskies' last line, and I wish you the same.
I am not considering divorce at this time, separation maybe, but not divorce. My AH husband and I are in a unique situation of being let's say, "in the lime light" -separation and divorce would be a public nightmare. Separation might be easier to pull off, but divorce would be very very difficult. I, personally, don't know if I could even keep my job, which I won't go into, if I decided to divorce.
I said earlier, I made a very serious commitment to my faith, my faith community, and my husband. I would fall under quite a bit of scrutiny if I chose to ignore those commitments. Hence the need for an anonymous online support system... 😉
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by AllThings
I am not considering divorce at this time, separation maybe, but not divorce. My AH husband and I are in a unique situation of being let's say, "in the lime light" -separation and divorce would be a public nightmare. Separation might be easier to pull off, but divorce would be very very difficult. I, personally, don't know if I could even keep my job, which I won't go into, if I decided to divorce.
You have only had a very short marriage and your alcoholic husband has already broken his vows by apparently sleeping with another woman. Have you had a test for STD's yet?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
"I made a very serious commitment to my faith, my faith community, and my husband."
I am not sure he has made the same commitment to you. But that aside...
I thought long and hard about your situation. I am not part of any organized religion. I am agnostic. My alcoholic mother is a minister though.
And I had an aha moment about your situation I think.
There are two things at play here with your religion. One is your personal relationship to God. That relationship must not be compromised to meet the demands of the relationship with your husband, his? church, or even the faithful that you know in your community.
I think you should take care of yourself to make sure that your personal relationship to God, Christ, whatever the details of your religion are, never comes second to the organized, or public, religion you are involved in with your husband.
In otherwords, do not pay too high of a price for the lifestyle of public religion, or put your personal relationship with God second after the goals and ministry.
If you guard that relationship first, then you will know what steps to take. It is a humble, non-public relationship. It is in your heart, and nobody hears it, applauds it, or gives you or your husband any kind of limelight for it.
Humbly honor your personal relationship with God, and you will not betray that which truly matters for limelight, or anything else, including your husband.
I am not sure he has made the same commitment to you. But that aside...
I thought long and hard about your situation. I am not part of any organized religion. I am agnostic. My alcoholic mother is a minister though.
And I had an aha moment about your situation I think.
There are two things at play here with your religion. One is your personal relationship to God. That relationship must not be compromised to meet the demands of the relationship with your husband, his? church, or even the faithful that you know in your community.
I think you should take care of yourself to make sure that your personal relationship to God, Christ, whatever the details of your religion are, never comes second to the organized, or public, religion you are involved in with your husband.
In otherwords, do not pay too high of a price for the lifestyle of public religion, or put your personal relationship with God second after the goals and ministry.
If you guard that relationship first, then you will know what steps to take. It is a humble, non-public relationship. It is in your heart, and nobody hears it, applauds it, or gives you or your husband any kind of limelight for it.
Humbly honor your personal relationship with God, and you will not betray that which truly matters for limelight, or anything else, including your husband.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Originally Posted by dandylion
WOW---That has got to be a very dicey situation---your husband having an affair while he is in the "limelight".
dandylion
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Here and now
Posts: 325
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1
"I made a very serious commitment to my faith, my faith community, and my husband."
I am not sure he has made the same commitment to you. But that aside...
I thought long and hard about your situation. I am not part of any organized religion. I am agnostic. My alcoholic mother is a minister though.
And I had an aha moment about your situation I think.
There are two things at play here with your religion. One is your personal relationship to God. That relationship must not be compromised to meet the demands of the relationship with your husband, his? church, or even the faithful that you know in your community.
I think you should take care of yourself to make sure that your personal relationship to God, Christ, whatever the details of your religion are, never comes second to the organized, or public, religion you are involved in with your husband.
In otherwords, do not pay too high of a price for the lifestyle of public religion, or put your personal relationship with God second after the goals and ministry.
If you guard that relationship first, then you will know what steps to take. It is a humble, non-public relationship. It is in your heart, and nobody hears it, applauds it, or gives you or your husband any kind of limelight for it.
Humbly honor your personal relationship with God, and you will not betray that which truly matters for limelight, or anything else, including your husband.
I am not sure he has made the same commitment to you. But that aside...
I thought long and hard about your situation. I am not part of any organized religion. I am agnostic. My alcoholic mother is a minister though.
And I had an aha moment about your situation I think.
There are two things at play here with your religion. One is your personal relationship to God. That relationship must not be compromised to meet the demands of the relationship with your husband, his? church, or even the faithful that you know in your community.
I think you should take care of yourself to make sure that your personal relationship to God, Christ, whatever the details of your religion are, never comes second to the organized, or public, religion you are involved in with your husband.
In otherwords, do not pay too high of a price for the lifestyle of public religion, or put your personal relationship with God second after the goals and ministry.
If you guard that relationship first, then you will know what steps to take. It is a humble, non-public relationship. It is in your heart, and nobody hears it, applauds it, or gives you or your husband any kind of limelight for it.
Humbly honor your personal relationship with God, and you will not betray that which truly matters for limelight, or anything else, including your husband.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Blue skies - I appreciate your input, however, much like my relationship with my AH, my relationship with Christ, at the core, is mine and mine alone as well. Rest assured, THAT will never be compromised, much more for His Glory than my own. Living under that grace is much like knowing that you will never go to jail for ANY crime you EVER commit. I can, and do, make mistakes all the time, thank God for his sacrifice so I can make those mistakes without fear of eternal repercussions.
There is a pragmatic side to this as well. How can I support myself and my children if I freely throw away what I was called to do? Scrutiny is a terrible thing to endure when your life is falling apart at home anyway. He is an executive at honda, it has little to do with him...
The question comes down to, how much do I want to endure while enduring the pain of addition and infidelity as well? Right now, I think I have enough on my plate.
There is a pragmatic side to this as well. How can I support myself and my children if I freely throw away what I was called to do? Scrutiny is a terrible thing to endure when your life is falling apart at home anyway. He is an executive at honda, it has little to do with him...
The question comes down to, how much do I want to endure while enduring the pain of addition and infidelity as well? Right now, I think I have enough on my plate.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Originally Posted by Lulu39
Plenty of people "in the limelight" get separated and divorced. Your alcoholic and your alcoholic marriage are no more special or unique than anyone else's.?
And, no, I have not been tested for STD's. You cannot get an STD from someone you are not intimate with...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
