What AB claims will help his recovery
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: On my life path
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What AB claims will help his recovery
Question - AB who has been separated from his wife for almost a year claims that he's being told by members in his AA group and by his one on one counselor that he and his wife having regular communication would help his recovery - what's the possibility there is truth to that?
Side note - there is "no contact" condition in place as there were some legal issues. I feel I know what some responses might be however it helps alot to get thoughts from those of you who have been traveling this road a greater distance on SR than I have.
Thank you friends!
Side note - there is "no contact" condition in place as there were some legal issues. I feel I know what some responses might be however it helps alot to get thoughts from those of you who have been traveling this road a greater distance on SR than I have.
Thank you friends!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 74
That doesn't sound like AA advice. If there's a no contact order, then he can't contact her.
From step 9: "Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others"
This doesn't sound like what he's doing.
I once had my sponsor tell me, "How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? His mouth is moving."
Trying to repair current relationships is recovery. Trying to rekindle old ones is infidelity.
From step 9: "Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others"
This doesn't sound like what he's doing.
I once had my sponsor tell me, "How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? His mouth is moving."
Trying to repair current relationships is recovery. Trying to rekindle old ones is infidelity.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
This sounds like you could have written it about my stbxah! We have been living apart since last December, I have a protective order in place so he isn't supposed to contact me, and he has a new fling of the week....
Things to keep in mind...
If he is truly serious about recovery, he wouldn't be relationship hopping.
If his relationship with his wife were over for him, she would be an ex-wife.
His wife has a no-contact order for a reason.
Alcoholics are master manipulators and liars.
Sadly, it sounds like he is using you until he can get his wife back. Sorry for the bluntness.
Reread your post and look for red flags.... ALCOHOLIC BOYFRIENDS WIFE, NO CONTACT ORDER
Have more respect for yourself than this!
Things to keep in mind...
If he is truly serious about recovery, he wouldn't be relationship hopping.
If his relationship with his wife were over for him, she would be an ex-wife.
His wife has a no-contact order for a reason.
Alcoholics are master manipulators and liars.
Sadly, it sounds like he is using you until he can get his wife back. Sorry for the bluntness.
Reread your post and look for red flags.... ALCOHOLIC BOYFRIENDS WIFE, NO CONTACT ORDER
Have more respect for yourself than this!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,781
Originally Posted by dancingnow 
Puzzling to me is when I was separated from my RAH we were planning to get back together after he had some recovery under his belt. We were separated not divorced so having a GF wouldn't make sense to me.
I also agree - his recovery isn't dependent on his wife, her forgiveness or her compliance to his program. He's blowing smoke, IMO.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It sounds like your brother is looking for a way to justify contacting someone who doesn’t want him contacting her.
I can’t imagine anyone in AA or a counselor suggesting breaking a no contact court order.
Doesn’t sound like a whole lot of truth soullight, sorry.
I can’t imagine anyone in AA or a counselor suggesting breaking a no contact court order.
Doesn’t sound like a whole lot of truth soullight, sorry.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
One thing in recovery that we all learn is about boundaries.
About respecting our boundaries and respecting others' boundaries.
Just my thoughts ~ if a person is interested in keeping peace, harmony, sobriety and recovery as their focus ~ my thoughts would be that respect of others' boundaries would be one of the things they would be trying to do.
If someone has a no contact order - to me that would be a boundary that deserves respect. Most of the people that I know in active recovery would honor that boundary.
Also - I have heard many experienced AA members use this when newcomers say I can't do this without my spouse:
"Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust God and clean house." Big Book of AA pg 98
Just as any of us "codies" can get well regardless of the actions of our loved ones - we just have to work our own program.
just my e, s, & h ~ best wishes to you & your loved one
pink hugs!
About respecting our boundaries and respecting others' boundaries.
Just my thoughts ~ if a person is interested in keeping peace, harmony, sobriety and recovery as their focus ~ my thoughts would be that respect of others' boundaries would be one of the things they would be trying to do.
If someone has a no contact order - to me that would be a boundary that deserves respect. Most of the people that I know in active recovery would honor that boundary.
Also - I have heard many experienced AA members use this when newcomers say I can't do this without my spouse:
"Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife-we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust God and clean house." Big Book of AA pg 98
Just as any of us "codies" can get well regardless of the actions of our loved ones - we just have to work our own program.
just my e, s, & h ~ best wishes to you & your loved one
pink hugs!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
It occurs to me that it's also possible that your brother has not told his counselor or his recovery buddies that a no contact order even exists. Also possible: they are talking with him in very general ways about making amends, and he is INTERPRETING those comments in a way that says "contact your wife, despite a no contact order."
I cannot believe a thoughtful recovery group, or a thoughtful counselor, would EVER suggest that an addict, even a recovering addict, violate a court order. Your brother could go to jail for violating the order.
I cannot believe a thoughtful recovery group, or a thoughtful counselor, would EVER suggest that an addict, even a recovering addict, violate a court order. Your brother could go to jail for violating the order.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I've never been in AA but that sounds like fishy advice to me.
Here's how the reasoning would have gone if your brother is anything like the As I know:
"I need to be able to communicate with my ex-wife in order to explain to her why I had to drink. That's important for my recovery. Since I can't have that, since the courts are preventing me from having that, I won't be able to recover. Where's the bar?"
Here's how the reasoning would have gone if your brother is anything like the As I know:
"I need to be able to communicate with my ex-wife in order to explain to her why I had to drink. That's important for my recovery. Since I can't have that, since the courts are preventing me from having that, I won't be able to recover. Where's the bar?"
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Our acronyms can confuse folks!
What would it take for him to initiate contact legally? A letter through attorney's? I would definitely advise not to just call out of the blue or show up on the front porch. I do like the idea of a letter funneled through legal teams, so it gives the wife the power to decide if she wants to respond or not.
I can see why his sponsor and therapist would want him to make some sort of amends, and maybe it bothers him to have something hanging in limbo?
Anyway - just my humble 2 cents...
What would it take for him to initiate contact legally? A letter through attorney's? I would definitely advise not to just call out of the blue or show up on the front porch. I do like the idea of a letter funneled through legal teams, so it gives the wife the power to decide if she wants to respond or not.
I can see why his sponsor and therapist would want him to make some sort of amends, and maybe it bothers him to have something hanging in limbo?
Anyway - just my humble 2 cents...
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by lillamy
I've never been in AA but that sounds like fishy advice to me.
Here's how the reasoning would have gone if your brother is anything like the As I know:
"I need to be able to communicate with my ex-wife in order to explain to her why I had to drink. That's important for my recovery. Since I can't have that, since the courts are preventing me from having that, I won't be able to recover. Where's the bar?"
Here's how the reasoning would have gone if your brother is anything like the As I know:
"I need to be able to communicate with my ex-wife in order to explain to her why I had to drink. That's important for my recovery. Since I can't have that, since the courts are preventing me from having that, I won't be able to recover. Where's the bar?"
Things *might* be different as far as communication between them goes if it weren't for that pesky NO CONTACT ORDER.
There must be very good reasons that is in place, and I agree that any violation of that is most likely boundary-pushing behavior from someone who is not really working an honest recovery program.
But you know your brother better than we do...what's your take?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I looked back at your old posts, I recalled one about your brother wanting contacting with his wife. Yep, aug 28th you mentioned his desire to talk to his wife to help his recovery.
Your brother needs to let go of his need to talk to his wife and focus on real recovery. I do not believe for one minute that anyone in AA is telling him to violate a NC order. I think he's trying a new avenue to get what he wants, and isn't respecting what his wife wants.
SHE will decide if and when she wants contact. In the meantime, HE needs to stay focused on recovery. He needs to respect that he obviously caused damage. Someone already posted about Step 9, and they're right. It would harm his wife at this point, so his needs are selfish and not healthy.
Quack...Quack...Quack
Your brother needs to let go of his need to talk to his wife and focus on real recovery. I do not believe for one minute that anyone in AA is telling him to violate a NC order. I think he's trying a new avenue to get what he wants, and isn't respecting what his wife wants.
SHE will decide if and when she wants contact. In the meantime, HE needs to stay focused on recovery. He needs to respect that he obviously caused damage. Someone already posted about Step 9, and they're right. It would harm his wife at this point, so his needs are selfish and not healthy.
Quack...Quack...Quack
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by DragynLady
That doesn't sound like AA advice. If there's a no contact order, then he can't contact her.
From step 9: "Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others"
This doesn't sound like what he's doing.
I once had my sponsor tell me, "How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? His mouth is moving."
Trying to repair current relationships is recovery. Trying to rekindle old ones is infidelity.
From step 9: "Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others"
This doesn't sound like what he's doing.
I once had my sponsor tell me, "How do you know when an alcoholic is lying? His mouth is moving."
Trying to repair current relationships is recovery. Trying to rekindle old ones is infidelity.
Sounds like hes only hearing what he wants to hear.
Example step 9....perhaps hes only telling aa folks half truths also....minus prorective order.
He obviously WANTS to talk to her on a regular basis. Theres no readon too. Thats clearly made up . If aa said anything it was in relation to step 9
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Question - AB who has been separated from his wife for almost a year claims that he's being told by members in his AA group and by his one on one counselor that he and his wife having regular communication would help his recovery - what's the possibility there is truth to that?
Reminds me of back when my parents were still married, and my dad was cheating on my mom, and his counselor told him he and his mistress should "remain friends".
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by SoulLight
Question - AB who has been separated from his wife for almost a year claims that he's being told by members in his AA group and by his one on one counselor that he and his wife having regular communication would help his recovery - what's the possibility there is truth to that?
Side note - there is "no contact" condition in place as there were some legal issues. I feel I know what some responses might be however it helps alot to get thoughts from those of you who have been traveling this road a greater distance on SR than I have.
Thank you friends!
Side note - there is "no contact" condition in place as there were some legal issues. I feel I know what some responses might be however it helps alot to get thoughts from those of you who have been traveling this road a greater distance on SR than I have.
Thank you friends!
Now I don't think anyone would ever suggest your AB break a "no contact" order, but I suspect they are not saying he should. but rather it would help him if it didn't exist and they could work on things. Something along the lines of what my husband experienced. I don't think simply "talking" would fix things if there was a lot that happened. You really need a mediator, and to look at things with new eyes during the process. Just wanted to share what we had been through.
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