Things were better when spouse was drinking? Sorry it's Long!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Things were better when spouse was drinking? Sorry it's Long!
Well I guess I should give your some history. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have a 2 year old son and a 7 month old daughter. My husband has always suffered from depression and when he would get down he'd get kinda angry and not the nicest person but never physically abusive. A few years a go he tried to kill himself ( I didn't find out till a few months later). He had told me he was just sick and slept a lot for two days and in reality he took a bunch of sleeping pills. He never use to drink but a few years ago he started being friends with a guy who was a heavy drinker but called himself a beer "conisuer". So my husband started drinking a bunch of craft beers and really got into trying more different types. Then he started brewing his own at home. I never really felt like it was to much of in issue as he would only have 2, then 2-3, then was up to 2-4 a night but never affected anything except when he drank socially. When we drank socially he would always tell me it'd be my turn to drink but I knew better. when he was out with others he would always get pretty tipsy but now I think it was more drunk but he did a good job masking it. There were a few times when he was out he would tell me he would only have a few beers but would then drive home and seem drunk and end up puking that night. So yes he could not control it socially and that aspect was getting worse. One time he got drunk and was trying to tell me he was fine but when he got to his car he got sick and he then called me to pick him up and when I got there I couldn't find him. So I called him and he could barley tell me where is was at and said something about the river. I got worried and thought he was by the river which was close by and I was worried he was going to fall in. When I did find him he was sitting on some ones porch at an apartment building by the river which by the way he had puked on the patio oh and it was only 6:30 pm! This was maybe only a biweekly getting drunk socially thing so I didn't find it a huge issue.
So things have been pretty good then a few months we went on a fishing vacation and he had been pretty stressed at work and one of his emplyees smokes pot so he decided to get some and brign it with us. We had not done it in and 9+ year and have not and do not plan on doign it after that week. I did not enjoy it a whole lot but he seemed to well while on this vacation of fishing and gettign high he brought of the idea of swinging with other couples and we have always been open about our sexual desires and I was super comfortable in our relationship so I said sure. It actually ended up being great as my husband has never been very affectionate but when we started doing the swinging he was sooo affectionate with me and talked openly about his feelings. We just were able to talk so much more then before as he never got defensive and was always understanding of my feelings and such so I felt it brought us a lot closer. I know people might find this weird. I was never really into it to much but I looooved the change in my husband personality to me and things seemed so great! We went from having sex 2-3 times a mont to atleast once a day together! I was loving the affection.
Well I am always leery whenever my husband seems extra sleepy so one night he seemed extra sleepy so I asked him if he took anything and he said no, asked him again the next morning and he said no, then he text me and told me he did take some cold medicine and pills etc. I broke down because I didn't know what his intentions were and was worried he was trying to harm himself again but apparently he had been taking medicine with dxm, stealing people medications, etc for the last few months and mixing it wioth alcohol. He had a prior episode where he admitted to stealing my moms medication but promised me he wouldn't do it again so when this came up I didn't know what to do so I called his psychiatrist who said to take him to this treatment place for an evaluation. I asked if they had out patient and they said he did. I confronted him that night about the drinking and pills and told him that his dr recommend getting an eval here and they had outpatient treatment. So he was not angry or anything and agreed to go. Well we get him there and they do the evaluation and want to keep him. I am freaked out because I did not plan on him staying. I tell him that it's his decision and he chooses to stay. The next day he calls me wanting to come home and I convince him to stay the night only to have him walk out the next day. He felt he didn't need it and he was slipping between the cracks and after talking to this place I to felt it was not a great place or a good place for him.
He comes home and he is in a great mood. We are talking about things a lot but he starts getting cranky and is venting to a women we had swung with and two other we had just hung out with, flirted with, and sent dirty message and pictures with. I tell him I don't feel like we should be doing this an as he is becoming increasingly cranky and I did not like him talking bad about me to all these women. I think the big kicker was he was telling these women about his feelings and what was going on in his life but wasn't hardly texting or talking to me. I tell him it's ok for him to talk to the women but nothing sexual and it's okay if he tells them how he is feeling but I felt as his wife he should be turning to me first. I admitted I was jealous of that. So then one day he is getting pissy with me over text and tells me he is busy and in the back of my mind I know he is prbly texting "k" so when he gets home i check is phone and find they were A) talking all day long over text B) had a long drawn out sexual texting session and C) in the middle of said sexual texting session he got mad at me because I was texting him and he said he was busy. So I got super upset and told him we had to cut ties all together with all the couples we were talking to (only 3 total). He admitted it was wrong and apologized but since then he has been increasingly mean and nasty and could care less about my feelings. I tell him I am having a rough day or am stressed ( I am in nursing school, work, and our son is high functioning autistic) and he doesn't even reply. I tell him later that it hurt my feelings and he says all sarcastically "well I am sorry I am putting my recovery before you, guess I am just being SELFISH!!). I was asking him questions about something the other night and asked him if he texted someone yet and he text back and said "well I can't because you keep asking all these DUMB questions!!". When he first came home and started to get crankier he was telling the women over text about our arguments or discussions and then tell them that he drank because of me then laugh about it. So he was telling these women who we had intimate relationship with bad things about me and things that were untrue(ya know making his side of the story look like I was being a bitch or something). When he stopped talking to them it fixed that but he has since still been just pissy all them time and always seem angry at me despite that I have taken over paying the bills, do not use a harsh tone or get defensive, talk about my feelings, try to leave him alone, take care of the kids for him etc. He works 7-5 Monday to Friday at a high stress job and now goes mon, wed, thurs to out patient from 4:30-7:30ish. Then Monday and Thursdays he goes to AA afterwards till 9:30 and when he is home he says hurtful things or ignores me. He has not said a single thank you or anything for me doing everything by myself now plus all the other things such a school and work that I do all while trying to be the loving supportive wife to the man who it always sayign hurtful things. He gets mad when I tell him he hurts my feelings and accuses me of being selfish. He would make me cry and not care and get mad at me when my crying would keep him up. He does not say such hurtful things as much but is still cranky and seems angry at me all the time and seems to avoid talking to me. No hugs, kisses, thank you's, how are you's, hope things are better, etc.
Has anyone had this where life seemed so much better when they were drinking? I would do anything to get back to how things were before he got sober!! I feel like I have been on this emotinal roller coaster with him for years as he has always had to be on medications becuase of depression/anger issues and every about 2 times a year end up having to switch. So I feel work out and just want a mentally health, happy, stable man who is affectionate, and is nice, and cares about me. I know it's only been four weeks but I am not asking for a miracle just a hug, a thank you, an I love you, ask about my day, or say I am sorry when I am having a rough day. Am I asking to much to soon???
So things have been pretty good then a few months we went on a fishing vacation and he had been pretty stressed at work and one of his emplyees smokes pot so he decided to get some and brign it with us. We had not done it in and 9+ year and have not and do not plan on doign it after that week. I did not enjoy it a whole lot but he seemed to well while on this vacation of fishing and gettign high he brought of the idea of swinging with other couples and we have always been open about our sexual desires and I was super comfortable in our relationship so I said sure. It actually ended up being great as my husband has never been very affectionate but when we started doing the swinging he was sooo affectionate with me and talked openly about his feelings. We just were able to talk so much more then before as he never got defensive and was always understanding of my feelings and such so I felt it brought us a lot closer. I know people might find this weird. I was never really into it to much but I looooved the change in my husband personality to me and things seemed so great! We went from having sex 2-3 times a mont to atleast once a day together! I was loving the affection.
Well I am always leery whenever my husband seems extra sleepy so one night he seemed extra sleepy so I asked him if he took anything and he said no, asked him again the next morning and he said no, then he text me and told me he did take some cold medicine and pills etc. I broke down because I didn't know what his intentions were and was worried he was trying to harm himself again but apparently he had been taking medicine with dxm, stealing people medications, etc for the last few months and mixing it wioth alcohol. He had a prior episode where he admitted to stealing my moms medication but promised me he wouldn't do it again so when this came up I didn't know what to do so I called his psychiatrist who said to take him to this treatment place for an evaluation. I asked if they had out patient and they said he did. I confronted him that night about the drinking and pills and told him that his dr recommend getting an eval here and they had outpatient treatment. So he was not angry or anything and agreed to go. Well we get him there and they do the evaluation and want to keep him. I am freaked out because I did not plan on him staying. I tell him that it's his decision and he chooses to stay. The next day he calls me wanting to come home and I convince him to stay the night only to have him walk out the next day. He felt he didn't need it and he was slipping between the cracks and after talking to this place I to felt it was not a great place or a good place for him.
He comes home and he is in a great mood. We are talking about things a lot but he starts getting cranky and is venting to a women we had swung with and two other we had just hung out with, flirted with, and sent dirty message and pictures with. I tell him I don't feel like we should be doing this an as he is becoming increasingly cranky and I did not like him talking bad about me to all these women. I think the big kicker was he was telling these women about his feelings and what was going on in his life but wasn't hardly texting or talking to me. I tell him it's ok for him to talk to the women but nothing sexual and it's okay if he tells them how he is feeling but I felt as his wife he should be turning to me first. I admitted I was jealous of that. So then one day he is getting pissy with me over text and tells me he is busy and in the back of my mind I know he is prbly texting "k" so when he gets home i check is phone and find they were A) talking all day long over text B) had a long drawn out sexual texting session and C) in the middle of said sexual texting session he got mad at me because I was texting him and he said he was busy. So I got super upset and told him we had to cut ties all together with all the couples we were talking to (only 3 total). He admitted it was wrong and apologized but since then he has been increasingly mean and nasty and could care less about my feelings. I tell him I am having a rough day or am stressed ( I am in nursing school, work, and our son is high functioning autistic) and he doesn't even reply. I tell him later that it hurt my feelings and he says all sarcastically "well I am sorry I am putting my recovery before you, guess I am just being SELFISH!!). I was asking him questions about something the other night and asked him if he texted someone yet and he text back and said "well I can't because you keep asking all these DUMB questions!!". When he first came home and started to get crankier he was telling the women over text about our arguments or discussions and then tell them that he drank because of me then laugh about it. So he was telling these women who we had intimate relationship with bad things about me and things that were untrue(ya know making his side of the story look like I was being a bitch or something). When he stopped talking to them it fixed that but he has since still been just pissy all them time and always seem angry at me despite that I have taken over paying the bills, do not use a harsh tone or get defensive, talk about my feelings, try to leave him alone, take care of the kids for him etc. He works 7-5 Monday to Friday at a high stress job and now goes mon, wed, thurs to out patient from 4:30-7:30ish. Then Monday and Thursdays he goes to AA afterwards till 9:30 and when he is home he says hurtful things or ignores me. He has not said a single thank you or anything for me doing everything by myself now plus all the other things such a school and work that I do all while trying to be the loving supportive wife to the man who it always sayign hurtful things. He gets mad when I tell him he hurts my feelings and accuses me of being selfish. He would make me cry and not care and get mad at me when my crying would keep him up. He does not say such hurtful things as much but is still cranky and seems angry at me all the time and seems to avoid talking to me. No hugs, kisses, thank you's, how are you's, hope things are better, etc.
Has anyone had this where life seemed so much better when they were drinking? I would do anything to get back to how things were before he got sober!! I feel like I have been on this emotinal roller coaster with him for years as he has always had to be on medications becuase of depression/anger issues and every about 2 times a year end up having to switch. So I feel work out and just want a mentally health, happy, stable man who is affectionate, and is nice, and cares about me. I know it's only been four weeks but I am not asking for a miracle just a hug, a thank you, an I love you, ask about my day, or say I am sorry when I am having a rough day. Am I asking to much to soon???
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Honey, this is a terrible mess that you live in. Would you consider talking to a counselor?
Life will not be better when/if he is drinking. It only seemed better before. He was engaged in a lifestyle that is destructive to marriage and families and whether he seemed kinder or more loving was probably a result of a sexual addiction.
I think it would help you to talk to someone who is a professional counselor, but I know that what your husband was doing is terrible for the rest of you. You did it, too, which is why I think it would be helpful to get a professional opinion about your own state of mind. Find someone you can talk to who will help you sort things out.
You have a lot of thinking to do. ((hugs.))
Life will not be better when/if he is drinking. It only seemed better before. He was engaged in a lifestyle that is destructive to marriage and families and whether he seemed kinder or more loving was probably a result of a sexual addiction.
I think it would help you to talk to someone who is a professional counselor, but I know that what your husband was doing is terrible for the rest of you. You did it, too, which is why I think it would be helpful to get a professional opinion about your own state of mind. Find someone you can talk to who will help you sort things out.
You have a lot of thinking to do. ((hugs.))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 10
Well I got home today and went snooping on his computer and found a seperate reddit account where he talked about how he felt about me "The only person I have is my wife, and honestly since coming clean, I don't feel love for her. Check my history posts... i've felt this way about her - and her, I - for a long time-- so don't chalk it up to the "don't make any major relationship changes within xx days of going sober.". Another comment from a year ago "Life just isn't the same with my wife of 5 years. I think the only thing we have in common, and the only real thing that keeps me going in our relationship is our 1 year old son.
She asks me every night because she can feel this doubt, yet every time she asks I deny it flat-out. I don't know if I can keep telling her that lie every night.
I work 50 hour weeks, she works part time and attends night classes. The only time I see her is that 1 hour before we both go to bed at night. The work/school thing has hardly anything to do with our situation- it just makes time with her that much more awkward because I don't like to talk about my day and feel bad that I don't ask her about hers.
The thought of being divorced and having to deal with child support scares the **** out of me. I would never want to be in a situation where my kid would be growing up without me in his life."
Sooo yea I can't really confront him about it because I was snooping and because if he posts more stuff I want to know what he is really thinking because he surely isn't telling me. Basically my marriage is over. I am so scared of the thought of divorce two and I gnat me kids to be with him everyday but clearly he isn't happy with me and its making me unhappy. I'd give anything to get him to love me but I don't think it's gonna happen. SO scared out of my mind now!!! No one in my family has been divorced and what happens when I go to date again will the next guy love my kids the same and will anyone even want me. I don't know how I can do nursing school and divorce then be a single mom and in school. Dear God **** is falling apart fast.
She asks me every night because she can feel this doubt, yet every time she asks I deny it flat-out. I don't know if I can keep telling her that lie every night.
I work 50 hour weeks, she works part time and attends night classes. The only time I see her is that 1 hour before we both go to bed at night. The work/school thing has hardly anything to do with our situation- it just makes time with her that much more awkward because I don't like to talk about my day and feel bad that I don't ask her about hers.
The thought of being divorced and having to deal with child support scares the **** out of me. I would never want to be in a situation where my kid would be growing up without me in his life."
Sooo yea I can't really confront him about it because I was snooping and because if he posts more stuff I want to know what he is really thinking because he surely isn't telling me. Basically my marriage is over. I am so scared of the thought of divorce two and I gnat me kids to be with him everyday but clearly he isn't happy with me and its making me unhappy. I'd give anything to get him to love me but I don't think it's gonna happen. SO scared out of my mind now!!! No one in my family has been divorced and what happens when I go to date again will the next guy love my kids the same and will anyone even want me. I don't know how I can do nursing school and divorce then be a single mom and in school. Dear God **** is falling apart fast.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hailey I am so sorry for what you are going through at the moment, and i completely understand your thoughts are all over the place. Who knows the psychology of your husbands actions? He is talking to people who totally buy his version of events.
Take a deep breath. Nothing has to be done right now, but start making a strategy to look after yourself in the future. First, can you find an Alanon (Naranon) meeting near you? Or get some private counselling through your husband's insurance; not sure how it works where you are? You have a massive load to cope with; please try not to do it on your own.
As for your fears about your family, or other men etc. please put them aside for now. I'm sure your own family will be there for you.
When you've sorted out your thoughts it may or may not be time to look at legal options.
Take a deep breath. Nothing has to be done right now, but start making a strategy to look after yourself in the future. First, can you find an Alanon (Naranon) meeting near you? Or get some private counselling through your husband's insurance; not sure how it works where you are? You have a massive load to cope with; please try not to do it on your own.
As for your fears about your family, or other men etc. please put them aside for now. I'm sure your own family will be there for you.
When you've sorted out your thoughts it may or may not be time to look at legal options.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, Hailey29.
Early sobriety is tough. Sometimes even tougher than when they were drunk (or high). Suddenly you have this person without their usual coping skills, and they don't know how to handle the sudden onslaught of emotions.
Have you considered attending Al-Anon meetings? There you can find some face-to-face support from other people who have been in your shoes. And learn how to detach emotionally from what your husband is experiencing right now, because it isn't about you.
Stop snooping. That's a no-where trip. Plus, what you saw could have easily been written while under the influence, and who knows how he really feels about things. It's easy to make assumptions that may not be accurate.
You have two little kids that need you - try to keep the focus on them right now...being a great Mom...and let your husband figure out his addictions and depression by himself. He is a grown up after all.
Keep reading here - and a great book to read is Under the Influence. You can find it on Amazon or in most book stores.
And keep coming back!
~T
Early sobriety is tough. Sometimes even tougher than when they were drunk (or high). Suddenly you have this person without their usual coping skills, and they don't know how to handle the sudden onslaught of emotions.
Have you considered attending Al-Anon meetings? There you can find some face-to-face support from other people who have been in your shoes. And learn how to detach emotionally from what your husband is experiencing right now, because it isn't about you.
Stop snooping. That's a no-where trip. Plus, what you saw could have easily been written while under the influence, and who knows how he really feels about things. It's easy to make assumptions that may not be accurate.
You have two little kids that need you - try to keep the focus on them right now...being a great Mom...and let your husband figure out his addictions and depression by himself. He is a grown up after all.
Keep reading here - and a great book to read is Under the Influence. You can find it on Amazon or in most book stores.
And keep coming back!
~T
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
Get out...save yourself!! Sounds to me like you are willing to compromise just about any and everything to try and win love and affection from someone who is no longer even respectful to you!!! Run... Run fast!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 10
thanks everyone. I tried to go to an alnon meeting bet there were only 7 people there all at least 15+ years older then me. No one had a husband and kids trying to go through what I was. I guess there was no one I could relate to some people were there becuase they had an alcohol husband years ago or there brother or sister was an alcoholic, no one currently married with kids trying to cope with a newly sober person. I told him I read his post and he told I got him to share a bunch of his feelings. He said he doesn't know if he can be the family type of person and he doesn't feel a connection with our new daughter becuase he doesn't spend enough time with them and just feels like the night time babysitter. He doesn't know if he can be or wants to be there person someone can rely on becuase it is to much pressure and stress. He says I am selfish becuase I have been wanting him to be nice to me and all I am worried about is working on us. I can understand that but I never knew his feeling and I didn't know what was going on in his head and what he needed from me. I didn't know how to help and I felt like yea he could focus on himself but at least he could be civil to me. I just wanted him to be nice to me thats what I was trying to work on. He says he has to work on himself first and he wants me to leave him alone and not ask a bunch of questions. I guess that is understandable. I am going to go back to my counselor next week. I don't know what is the right choice right now. I am a fixer but I just need to let things go and not worry about it and take care of myself and the kids but I don't know if that'd be easier with him here or without him here.
his new car with 20k broke down this week and needs a new transmission and clutch and he admitted to me tonight that it was becuase eh was shifting it without the clutch in. That he was trying to break it to add some spice into his life. To throw some variety in. He said it worked because eh got a new Cadillac xts to cruise around in for a few days. He said he thinks about letting go of the wheel driving or when putting the new roof on yesterday that if he fell and broke his leg it would spice things up or add something new to his life. Like what kind of crazy **** is that. Frick, will he ever be normal, is this going to be my life forever. He's has always been happy when we can spice things up such as the swinging, or buying a new car, or buying new things, or working on a drag car we use to have. I think I need out or want out but I can't bear the thought of my kids not having their dad around all the time. My son worships him. Please keep commenting it really helps.
his new car with 20k broke down this week and needs a new transmission and clutch and he admitted to me tonight that it was becuase eh was shifting it without the clutch in. That he was trying to break it to add some spice into his life. To throw some variety in. He said it worked because eh got a new Cadillac xts to cruise around in for a few days. He said he thinks about letting go of the wheel driving or when putting the new roof on yesterday that if he fell and broke his leg it would spice things up or add something new to his life. Like what kind of crazy **** is that. Frick, will he ever be normal, is this going to be my life forever. He's has always been happy when we can spice things up such as the swinging, or buying a new car, or buying new things, or working on a drag car we use to have. I think I need out or want out but I can't bear the thought of my kids not having their dad around all the time. My son worships him. Please keep commenting it really helps.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by hailey29 
I think I need out or want out but I can't bear the thought of my kids not having their dad around all the time. My son worships him. Please keep commenting it really helps.
So when he relapsed, the kids got on the phone (they were all young adults--18-25-and told me to do what I had to do--that they supported me.
But I was chicken, and never did what I probably should have done.
So for the next 9 years, as they were growing into their adulthood, we watered a culture of drinking. As a family we were close, we were tight, and we were always drinking. My kids' friends LOVED AH because he was so much fun--he was John Belushi in Animal House--only about 30 years older. So I thought, we have a great relationship with the kids--I don't want to mess that up.
Well, now my kids' friends and my kids are much more mature. They're beyond the Animal House stage. They are working, they are responsible, and all of a sudden, AH is the guy that they now realize is messed up.
I guess my point is, do not stay together because your son adores AH. AH is responsible for his relationship with his son, not you. And it all may backfire in the end.
And it might seem that your kids are young and mine are older, but if you wait around long enough--you'll be me. Still wondering if it's time to call it quits.
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