For the baby's sake?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
And if you do this, next year you know who else will be coming and will be expected to also be invited into your house...the new sibling. That will trigger you. You don't need that kind of grief.
The reason I am responding the way I have is because of what I can see YOU obviously want.
You don't want to do this.
Don't feel obligated.
A divorce is just that...divorce.
Why pretend for even a minute that this is some kind of still joined family if it makes you feel badly?
"I'm beyond hurt"
That speaks it all !
You don't need anymore hurt thrust upon you to satisfy who?
Not the baby, who doesn't know what a birthday even is.
To satisfy his mother? no.
Time to satisfy you, and keep triggers as far away as possible.
The reason I am responding the way I have is because of what I can see YOU obviously want.
You don't want to do this.
Don't feel obligated.
A divorce is just that...divorce.
Why pretend for even a minute that this is some kind of still joined family if it makes you feel badly?
"I'm beyond hurt"
That speaks it all !
You don't need anymore hurt thrust upon you to satisfy who?
Not the baby, who doesn't know what a birthday even is.
To satisfy his mother? no.
Time to satisfy you, and keep triggers as far away as possible.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
If you do have a joint birthday, I would have the birthday party at a neutral location like a park or restaurant. That way it can be sweet & to the point. Also, it gives you & him more space. If it's at your house or his mom's, then your run the chance of getting stuck when everyone decides to hang around & chat.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It's up to you and what you feel is right. My mom left my dad when I was an infant--he was an abusive alcoholic and had tried to kill my mom. There are no pics of the three of us together. If there ever were, she would have destroyed them. He was certainly never at my birthday celebrations.i don't ever remember looking at the pics and thinking --oh no, there is no father in the pic. My grandparents were in the pics. So, I was surrounded by family.
Each situation is unique. My dad was told by his psychiatrist never to go near my mom. So, your situation may be completely different.
Each situation is unique. My dad was told by his psychiatrist never to go near my mom. So, your situation may be completely different.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 160
You don't owe your ex one dang thing. You do, however, owe your daughter everything she may need to become a happy, healthy adult. I think when we have children, holidays, birthdays, and well, EVERYdays become more about their needs and wishes and less about our own. She probably won't remember her first birthday at all, but it is one of the first life events or milestones for everyone else who loves her; I'm afraid if you don't celebrate this biggie together, it will be just the first of many to come. When you deny your ex participation in these, you punish not just him for his bad behavior but her as well. You teach her that YOUR hurt feelings are more important than HER love and need for her father. Even if you are justified in your anger, grief, pain, betrayal, etc. (and I believe you are), they aren't more important. Just because our A's acted badly doesn't mean we get to show our backsides too, especially when it can negatively impact our children, now or in the future. It sounds kinda trite, but WE have to be the ones to do the right and hard things because THEY certainly won't, can't or didn't. Given the timing, celebrating together will be hard, with the hurts so new and raw. (Sometimes I think the labor and delivery were the easiest, most painless parts of childrearing.) Please, please, think about what this will mean to your daughter now and in the future. I babysat four children who dreaded birthdays and holidays because their parents were divorced and couldn't spend any time in the same room for any reason whatsoever. They fretted and worried about the logistics of having two birthday parties, two Christmas Eves, two Easter mornings, two comfirmations, two graduation parties, ad infinitem so much that they could not enjoy the celebrations. They often became physically sick from the stress and reported feelings of guilt, shame, and disloyalty for having fun at the EITHER parent's house. (An 11 year old with acute anxiety is pretty bad, but watching a six year old having a panic attack because her parents can't get along even when she is hospitalized with meningitis is a truly terrible thing.) Now, it may be that your daughter will never have a fulfilling relationship with your ex because he is an alcoholic d-bag, but I'd imagine we all want that awful circumstance to be only because of that, not because you wouldn't allow it. (Just rambling here and haven't had time to fine-tune the response, so please receive it in the spirit of love and genuine compassion it is offerred. I don't intend ANY criticisms of your feelings or behaviors at all, just want to present another line of thought.)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 45
Thank you all for your responses. My MIL grew up without a father and is always telling me that a bad father is better than no father at all. I have to consider that as well when she tells me things. I feel like I have play pretend all the time according to her. She has never been divorced although she grew up with alcoholism in her family.
She wants me to allow my XAH to come to the house while I am here to visit the baby on the weekends too. Just get along for the baby's sake. She is denial of what her son has done and is continuing to do. Just FYI, he doesn't talk about the other baby, has never introduced the mother to his family, and told his mom recently that he never sees the mother to be unless its at a doctor appt for the baby.
I am constantly being told that I need to forgive, let go of my anger, and be friends with my ex. That I shouldn't keep our baby from him. I am not trying to keep her from him, I'm trying to keep me away from him. When he doesn't see our daughter he convinces everyone that I am not allowing it. I feel like I'm the one with the problem. It's crazy making! They are enabling him to not face the consequences of his actions. I'm not implementing consequences for him. We are divorced and I don't want to play pretend family for our daughter right now because that isn't reality.
I don't have to make a decision now. You have all given me plenty of things to consider. I will keep you informed.
She wants me to allow my XAH to come to the house while I am here to visit the baby on the weekends too. Just get along for the baby's sake. She is denial of what her son has done and is continuing to do. Just FYI, he doesn't talk about the other baby, has never introduced the mother to his family, and told his mom recently that he never sees the mother to be unless its at a doctor appt for the baby.
I am constantly being told that I need to forgive, let go of my anger, and be friends with my ex. That I shouldn't keep our baby from him. I am not trying to keep her from him, I'm trying to keep me away from him. When he doesn't see our daughter he convinces everyone that I am not allowing it. I feel like I'm the one with the problem. It's crazy making! They are enabling him to not face the consequences of his actions. I'm not implementing consequences for him. We are divorced and I don't want to play pretend family for our daughter right now because that isn't reality.
I don't have to make a decision now. You have all given me plenty of things to consider. I will keep you informed.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You don't owe your ex one iota of give here. I hate that "for the sake of the child(ren)" crap. Being around an abuser is not healthy for them. I don't care if they are a parent. Maybe it's my perspective from being raised in an A home, but I really could have done without my AM present at any events. Of course, she made that pretty easy and didn't show up at a lot of stuff. I just wrapped myself in the family that I knew cared about me. He's gone and knocked up another woman. He doesn't get to play proud peacock and have your daughter growing up watching you get trampled on by him, and thinking that's ok. Again, this may be just because of my experience, but you don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Especially for that asshat.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 24
My situation is different as all 3 of my kids are grown (youngest was 18 when I divorced their unfaithful, lying, sneaky father & that's putting it mildly.
They completely understand why I want to beat the life out of him & his, oh what's the word I'm looking for, HOmewrecker. I now have a very young grandchild so as much as I do not want to be in the same room with them I bite the bullet & tolerate their mere existence.
The HOmewrecker & EX knows not to mess with me or even so much as look in my direction (he's a momma's boy BIG time & she's been warned by my oldest daughter)
Wish I could say something encouraging like "do it for your daughters sake, or ignore them" but that my dear is easier said then done.
I wish them only the best that HELL can offer
You? I wish you peace of mind
They completely understand why I want to beat the life out of him & his, oh what's the word I'm looking for, HOmewrecker. I now have a very young grandchild so as much as I do not want to be in the same room with them I bite the bullet & tolerate their mere existence.
The HOmewrecker & EX knows not to mess with me or even so much as look in my direction (he's a momma's boy BIG time & she's been warned by my oldest daughter)
Wish I could say something encouraging like "do it for your daughters sake, or ignore them" but that my dear is easier said then done.
I wish them only the best that HELL can offer
You? I wish you peace of mind
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
My MIL grew up without a father and is always telling me that a bad father is better than no father at all.
And my three children who are all in therapy, two diagnosed with PTSD and all three with major depression and anxiety disorder, would say your MIL is full of that stuff you put in the garden to fertilize the daisies.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Pookielou, I looked up your earlier posts, and what your now XAH did to you horrifies me. Just for the others' reading this thread, here's what you wrote in August:
On September 1st, you added:
This is a violent, lying, cheating, disturbed alcoholic with no control over his behavior. That is the starting point for all discussion.
You have every right to see him as his behavior has proven him to be, and it is a horrifying, devastating portrait.
No one should try to send you on a guilt trip and make you feel obligated to include this man in any part of your daughter's life if you feel that is destructive. The Court must have addressed this in the divorce through the custody and visitation decree.
Your in-laws know who he is. They rescued you and your infant daughter when he threatened to shoot people. Their denial is their denial. It doesn't need to be yours also. You can own the truth of what your marriage was, what his behavior was, and make your own decisions forward on the basis of that truth.
Take care, and take your time. Your emotional health is key here to you being to take care of your daughter and create the healthy loving environment you want her to grow up in. BlueSkies may be right that your best path forward is to move out of this terribly dysfunctional entangled family and move toward healthy happy relationships with more normal people.
ShootingStar1
The last year and a half have been absolutely hell. I knew that my husband was a drinker but I didn't see this coming. I experienced two miscarriages back to back which my A insists led him to heavy drinking. I got pregnant two months after my last miscarriage... Turns out he had been texting this girl for months. They work together and hang with the same partying crowd.
For the next six months, we fought regularly to the point where he would rage and punch holes in the walls and doors and call me the most inhumane names. At one point he told me that I was worthless except for the baby inside me. I was sobbing every weekend and scared that the emotional stress would lead to yet another miscarriage. He promised that he would do better and "tried" to cut back on the drinking. All to no avail.
When I had the baby, I had false hope that he would man up and be the husband and father that I knew he could be. However, while I was on maternity leave, I got into his phone to find texts from another female... two days later found he was at the woman's house... He was over there hanging out, having a drink (nothing sexual, or so he said). He left that day stating that he wanted a divorce, but was back remorseful the next day.
A couple of weeks later, he came home... I was on my way to run an errand. When I returned, he was passed out drunk on the bed. I lost it (it wasn't about dinner but another broken promise). We started fighting and things got physical because I couldn't control myself and starting hitting him and asking him to leave. Things went too far and he kicked down the door to the room where his guns were stored and threatened to shoot anyone that I called.
I called his parents asking that they come over and get him because things were out of control. I was scared and grabbed my seven week old daughter and ran to the neighbors where I waited for his parents.
For the next six months, we fought regularly to the point where he would rage and punch holes in the walls and doors and call me the most inhumane names. At one point he told me that I was worthless except for the baby inside me. I was sobbing every weekend and scared that the emotional stress would lead to yet another miscarriage. He promised that he would do better and "tried" to cut back on the drinking. All to no avail.
When I had the baby, I had false hope that he would man up and be the husband and father that I knew he could be. However, while I was on maternity leave, I got into his phone to find texts from another female... two days later found he was at the woman's house... He was over there hanging out, having a drink (nothing sexual, or so he said). He left that day stating that he wanted a divorce, but was back remorseful the next day.
A couple of weeks later, he came home... I was on my way to run an errand. When I returned, he was passed out drunk on the bed. I lost it (it wasn't about dinner but another broken promise). We started fighting and things got physical because I couldn't control myself and starting hitting him and asking him to leave. Things went too far and he kicked down the door to the room where his guns were stored and threatened to shoot anyone that I called.
I called his parents asking that they come over and get him because things were out of control. I was scared and grabbed my seven week old daughter and ran to the neighbors where I waited for his parents.
On September 1st, you added:
There was a four month span between my learning of the affair and learning of the pregnancy. In the meantime my XAH and I were living apart but I was still being told that he wanted our marriage to work. It wasn't until I suspected a pregnancy and received no direct answer denying my suspicions that I filed for divorce. He confirmed the pregnancy two days after I filed.
This is a violent, lying, cheating, disturbed alcoholic with no control over his behavior. That is the starting point for all discussion.
You have every right to see him as his behavior has proven him to be, and it is a horrifying, devastating portrait.
No one should try to send you on a guilt trip and make you feel obligated to include this man in any part of your daughter's life if you feel that is destructive. The Court must have addressed this in the divorce through the custody and visitation decree.
Your in-laws know who he is. They rescued you and your infant daughter when he threatened to shoot people. Their denial is their denial. It doesn't need to be yours also. You can own the truth of what your marriage was, what his behavior was, and make your own decisions forward on the basis of that truth.
Take care, and take your time. Your emotional health is key here to you being to take care of your daughter and create the healthy loving environment you want her to grow up in. BlueSkies may be right that your best path forward is to move out of this terribly dysfunctional entangled family and move toward healthy happy relationships with more normal people.
ShootingStar1
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 
Pookielou, I looked up your earlier posts, and what your now XAH did to you horrifies me. Just for the others' reading this thread, here's what you wrote in August:
On September 1st, you added:
This is a violent, lying, cheating, disturbed alcoholic with no control over his behavior. That is the starting point for all discussion.
You have every right to see him as his behavior has proven him to be, and it is a horrifying, devastating portrait.
No one should try to send you on a guilt trip and make you feel obligated to include this man in any part of your daughter's life if you feel that is destructive. The Court must have addressed this in the divorce through the custody and visitation decree.
Your in-laws know who he is. They rescued you and your infant daughter when he threatened to shoot people. Their denial is their denial. It doesn't need to be yours also. You can own the truth of what your marriage was, what his behavior was, and make your own decisions forward on the basis of that truth.
Take care, and take your time. Your emotional health is key here to you being to take care of your daughter and create the healthy loving environment you want her to grow up in. BlueSkies may be right that your best path forward is to move out of this terribly dysfunctional entangled family and move toward healthy happy relationships with more normal people.
ShootingStar1
The last year and a half have been absolutely hell. I knew that my husband was a drinker but I didn't see this coming. I experienced two miscarriages back to back which my A insists led him to heavy drinking. I got pregnant two months after my last miscarriage... Turns out he had been texting this girl for months. They work together and hang with the same partying crowd.
For the next six months, we fought regularly to the point where he would rage and punch holes in the walls and doors and call me the most inhumane names. At one point he told me that I was worthless except for the baby inside me. I was sobbing every weekend and scared that the emotional stress would lead to yet another miscarriage. He promised that he would do better and "tried" to cut back on the drinking. All to no avail.
When I had the baby, I had false hope that he would man up and be the husband and father that I knew he could be. However, while I was on maternity leave, I got into his phone to find texts from another female... two days later found he was at the woman's house... He was over there hanging out, having a drink (nothing sexual, or so he said). He left that day stating that he wanted a divorce, but was back remorseful the next day.
A couple of weeks later, he came home... I was on my way to run an errand. When I returned, he was passed out drunk on the bed. I lost it (it wasn't about dinner but another broken promise). We started fighting and things got physical because I couldn't control myself and starting hitting him and asking him to leave. Things went too far and he kicked down the door to the room where his guns were stored and threatened to shoot anyone that I called.
I called his parents asking that they come over and get him because things were out of control. I was scared and grabbed my seven week old daughter and ran to the neighbors where I waited for his parents.
For the next six months, we fought regularly to the point where he would rage and punch holes in the walls and doors and call me the most inhumane names. At one point he told me that I was worthless except for the baby inside me. I was sobbing every weekend and scared that the emotional stress would lead to yet another miscarriage. He promised that he would do better and "tried" to cut back on the drinking. All to no avail.
When I had the baby, I had false hope that he would man up and be the husband and father that I knew he could be. However, while I was on maternity leave, I got into his phone to find texts from another female... two days later found he was at the woman's house... He was over there hanging out, having a drink (nothing sexual, or so he said). He left that day stating that he wanted a divorce, but was back remorseful the next day.
A couple of weeks later, he came home... I was on my way to run an errand. When I returned, he was passed out drunk on the bed. I lost it (it wasn't about dinner but another broken promise). We started fighting and things got physical because I couldn't control myself and starting hitting him and asking him to leave. Things went too far and he kicked down the door to the room where his guns were stored and threatened to shoot anyone that I called.
I called his parents asking that they come over and get him because things were out of control. I was scared and grabbed my seven week old daughter and ran to the neighbors where I waited for his parents.
On September 1st, you added:
There was a four month span between my learning of the affair and learning of the pregnancy. In the meantime my XAH and I were living apart but I was still being told that he wanted our marriage to work. It wasn't until I suspected a pregnancy and received no direct answer denying my suspicions that I filed for divorce. He confirmed the pregnancy two days after I filed.
This is a violent, lying, cheating, disturbed alcoholic with no control over his behavior. That is the starting point for all discussion.
You have every right to see him as his behavior has proven him to be, and it is a horrifying, devastating portrait.
No one should try to send you on a guilt trip and make you feel obligated to include this man in any part of your daughter's life if you feel that is destructive. The Court must have addressed this in the divorce through the custody and visitation decree.
Your in-laws know who he is. They rescued you and your infant daughter when he threatened to shoot people. Their denial is their denial. It doesn't need to be yours also. You can own the truth of what your marriage was, what his behavior was, and make your own decisions forward on the basis of that truth.
Take care, and take your time. Your emotional health is key here to you being to take care of your daughter and create the healthy loving environment you want her to grow up in. BlueSkies may be right that your best path forward is to move out of this terribly dysfunctional entangled family and move toward healthy happy relationships with more normal people.
ShootingStar1
Well said shooting star
Clearly this man is selfish, abusive, cold....
The list goes on. He shows that hes only capable of taking.
He wants what he wants and if he wants it he indulges.
As I said in my original comment forgiveness and moving on is for you and your child.(op)
He doesnt deserve anything and with everything you do Do it for her or for you.
Obviously there are wounds here that wont heal because his mother wants them too.
As understanding as I am for her motives....its hard to see how sge could ask or push this of you.
Everyone abuse or loss kust mourn and grieve in a process and forcing such process is only prolonging it.
Good luck op
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 160
Please accept my apologies, pookilou; I retract my earlier post. I hadn't reviewed your earlier accounts and was unaware your ex was violent and abusive. Based on all the information, creating as much distance as possible between him and you (and most importantly, your daughter!) sounds like the best course of action.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 45
Just wanted to post an update. My daughter turned one last Wednesday. I sucked it up and did the joint party. XAH wasn't going to come at first after I invited him but changed his mind the day before. It took a big man to show his face at a joint party, especially in front of my dad, but he did it. Honestly, I was glad he was there to witness how amazing his daughter is and to see how well we are doing. I put the invitation out there and let the decision lie with him. It went well despite everything, thanks to a lot of prayers.
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