It's over - we broke up
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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It's over - we broke up
My AXBF just called me to tell me he knows I have met someone else (I have, nothing too serious, but enough to confuse the living hell out of me). He said he is letting me go because he wants me to be happy. I got the break-up that I wanted handed to me on a silver platter...What hurts the most is how decent he was about it. He said he can't promise that he will be forever sober (I had told him that I cannot deal with his drinking anymore) and that he wants me to be happy.
He didn't really take responsibility for his drinking being at least a very large part of the problem, but then it's ok. It doesn't matter. I kept reminding myself that if he needs to believe that I am leaving him for someone else, then that's ok.
He is a very good man and I am so sad. In many ways he is what I have always wanted, but I cannot handle the stress anymore. It's hard to realize that it's not about the truth of why this relationship is over. We have different versions and that's ok I don't need to be right anymore. My higher power has looked over me and now I hope it will look over him.
I think I am rambling. I am scared of the mourning phase. We have not lived together for a year, so the logistics are easy, the finances are separate, nothing changes. But seven years, six of which we lived together is a long time and there were lots of good times. But I had to let this happen for my mental health and happiness.
I hate this disease. It has robbed me of an amazing person, someone who calls me to tell me that he letting me go so I can be happy. It's just so bloody unfair.
He didn't really take responsibility for his drinking being at least a very large part of the problem, but then it's ok. It doesn't matter. I kept reminding myself that if he needs to believe that I am leaving him for someone else, then that's ok.
He is a very good man and I am so sad. In many ways he is what I have always wanted, but I cannot handle the stress anymore. It's hard to realize that it's not about the truth of why this relationship is over. We have different versions and that's ok I don't need to be right anymore. My higher power has looked over me and now I hope it will look over him.
I think I am rambling. I am scared of the mourning phase. We have not lived together for a year, so the logistics are easy, the finances are separate, nothing changes. But seven years, six of which we lived together is a long time and there were lots of good times. But I had to let this happen for my mental health and happiness.
I hate this disease. It has robbed me of an amazing person, someone who calls me to tell me that he letting me go so I can be happy. It's just so bloody unfair.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Kimmieh, maybe it would help if you looked at it this way: This just underlines what you already had come to know a year ago. You asked him to leave because his alcoholism tore the foundations from your relationship (and you acted in your best interest--self preservation).
It looks to me like what has changed is that now you look at him as your "Ex". I get this from your reference to an anticipated "mourning phase". You don't mourn until there is a true loss. You seem to recognise this, now. I think that this is so important--because mourning is the very first step of healing (in my experience).
I understand how you feel. Mourning doesn't feel good--no matter how we try to cut it. But, there is n o getting around it--we just wade through it to the other side. It will be temporary pain for long-term gain.
Kimmieh--you will get through it---albeit, with some tears from time to time. It won't last forever. when you do get to the other side--your heart will be at peace with this whole thing.
He hasn't changed (because the alcoholic stinkin' thinking (AA term) is still in effect. His statement to you is designed to bring HIM comfort (not you, primarily). It is designed to relieve his guilt (responsibility)--not so much to "set you free". I think you can sort of see that?? At least, that is what it looks like from where I sit (LOL).
Kim--just keep working on yourself. You are going to be o.k.--even though you feel very sucky, right now. Sigh..... I walked this road, myself, one time......
dandylion
It looks to me like what has changed is that now you look at him as your "Ex". I get this from your reference to an anticipated "mourning phase". You don't mourn until there is a true loss. You seem to recognise this, now. I think that this is so important--because mourning is the very first step of healing (in my experience).
I understand how you feel. Mourning doesn't feel good--no matter how we try to cut it. But, there is n o getting around it--we just wade through it to the other side. It will be temporary pain for long-term gain.
Kimmieh--you will get through it---albeit, with some tears from time to time. It won't last forever. when you do get to the other side--your heart will be at peace with this whole thing.
He hasn't changed (because the alcoholic stinkin' thinking (AA term) is still in effect. His statement to you is designed to bring HIM comfort (not you, primarily). It is designed to relieve his guilt (responsibility)--not so much to "set you free". I think you can sort of see that?? At least, that is what it looks like from where I sit (LOL).
Kim--just keep working on yourself. You are going to be o.k.--even though you feel very sucky, right now. Sigh..... I walked this road, myself, one time......
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Michigan
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Kimmieh, I just posted this earlier today and I believe we have something in common here. I know all too well the loss you feel that was brought on by something completely out of our control. It has been 4 years since my relationship ended and I still live with the "what if's" every day. The self-blame goes away after a while but there are still unresolved feelings that you can't help but wonder about...this was my post on another thread and to be honest, it makes me feel a little bit better that I am not the only one going through this, I hope it does the same for you....
~ "I believe that at one time or another we all reach a point in our lives where we think we’ve finally found our place, our purpose. But then thoughts or memories from our past reappear and change our perspectives completely. They cause us to question our motives and whether or not our plans for the future are really those of our destinies, or just plans that we’ve conjured up in our minds in order to make ourselves feel as if we have found some form of fulfillment.
In my case, I believed that I had found the love of my life many years ago. I couldn’t even begin to picture my life without him in it. He had the ability to make me laugh without even trying, I couldn’t wait to get home at the end of the day, the butterfly feeling was always with me whether I was with him or alone. He was smart, funny, would help anyone at the drop of a dime and had the most inquisitive personality I’d ever seen. Aside from the strong love that I had for him, there was still a small sliver of doubt in the back of my mind that I continued to push aside. This doubt had nothing to do with questioning my own feelings for him, but consisted of whether or not his feelings towards me were the same. I really didn’t have to even think twice about making the decision to ride things out until a few years later. While my love for him never lessened in any way, I began to take more notice of the things that I had been brushing off, like the feelings he showed towards me. Things like the increasing lack of affection; instead of hugs and a sincere kiss once in a while, I got a quick “roll in the hay” and then it was off to sleep on our own sides of the bed after hearing the word, Thanks. There were no good mornings or good byes before leaving for work and even after work I would see his truck pull in the driveway, he would run into the barn to grab something and then I would see him go off and be gone again without ever even coming inside. Instead of defending me when I was being belittled or made uncomfortable, he began joining in on the insults and disrespect. The accusations began and the disrespect kept getting worse and the Trust was shaky at best. No matter how strong a person is, everyone still needs to hear the person they love encourage and compliment them instead of pointing out every flaw they can find, making you feel about as small as a grain of sand.
After a while all of the negativity began to take even more of a toll on my emotions little by little. One night after sitting home alone until the early hours of morning without hearing a word from him while he was out living it up with his buddies all night, he finally came home, could hardly walk straight, couldn’t say a word without slurring and the best part, he had a pretty significant ex-girlfriend in tow on the back of the four wheeler with him and had apparently made the decision to allow her to spend the night. That was when I finally realized that all of the effort and heartache I had been going through might have just been a waste of my time and all of the love I tried to give in a long shot attempt to just get the same back from him. But despite all of this, I was still determined to not give up on this man who obviously had a problem and was obviously afraid of opening up to someone after being hurt so badly prior to our own relationship. I was not done trying to convince someone that I had loved whole-heartedly that I was not going to hurt him or leave him like others had before. We do however, all have a breaking point and after being involved in a near fatal accident, the words “I guess you’re just a burden now” became that breaking point for me and that is also the point where the end of our time together began to play out. To hear yourself described as a ‘burden’ by the one person I loved the most, only confirmed for me that that was all I was all along. All of the images of our future I had hoped to have together were completely shattered at the end of that one small sentence. I could not for the life of me comprehend how the person I had loved so much and had tried so hard for for so long, despite all of our struggles, could completely crush you and then just walk away without showing any kind of remorse what so ever.
I spent weeks trying to come to terms with the fact that the whole relationship was nothing more than a joke to all of those who were aware of it. At one point a slight effort was made to try and repair what had been broken from the start, but by this point I was already so afraid to fully open myself up to that vulnerability and the possibility of reliving the same hurt that I was still far from recovering from to begin with. After being hurt so badly over and over again by a person who all you wanted to do was help, to make sure they knew that they have someone who they can always count on, someone that only wanted to help make they’re everything better, to stand by them through the highs and the lows…to make sure they knew that the only thing I wanted in return, was to receive the same kind of love I had tried to give them. My only instinct was to run, force myself into thinking that I was over him and made the emotional wreck of a decision…to move on. Once the gravity of that decision set in, then came the feeling of failure, a feeling that I still deal with years later. Even after meeting someone who made me feel wonderful, someone who was nothing but good to me. But the problem is that a huge part of my heart still to this day, belongs to someone else.
This is a very harsh truth for me to admit and this is the first time I have been able to come out and say these things that I have been holding on to for such a long time. But the truth is yes, I am ‘comfortable’ in every aspect of the word but the feeling of guilt and regret is something that I still carry with me daily. I feel like I am living a lie every morning when I wake up. I wonder every day how different things might have been if maybe I had just given that one more chance. Loving someone is the easy part, but being “in love” with someone is one of the hardest, most challenging things we will ever experience. But, staying in love with someone despite distance, time, hurt and loss is even harder than that. The feeling of being stuck and knowing that eventually, having to hurt someone who has done nothing but love you is inescapable when you know that you’ve already loved someone so much more than you could even attempt to love anyone else again. I am bringing myself to finally say these things because one of the biggest mistakes I made was not speaking up when I had the chance, I now find myself in the position of wanting something that I may never be able to get back. Alcoholism affects more than just the person with the disease, it affects those who love them and it affects the future of those who love them as well. While that relationship had the makings of a happy ending that was thrown away, by both of us. Now that the bitterness, anger and sadness have passed, instead of holding onto the bad memories I know that I will always have the irreplaceable good memories that stay with me every day. The memories that make me smile for no reason and laugh when I feel like crying. While I may have made some efforts to move on, my biggest fear is that if the hurt goes away, so will all of those good memories…and I don’t ever want to forget a single moment we had together. Good or bad. I often wonder if I am crazy for feeling this way or if this is just a part of the separation from an alcoholic that you still love...." ~
~ "I believe that at one time or another we all reach a point in our lives where we think we’ve finally found our place, our purpose. But then thoughts or memories from our past reappear and change our perspectives completely. They cause us to question our motives and whether or not our plans for the future are really those of our destinies, or just plans that we’ve conjured up in our minds in order to make ourselves feel as if we have found some form of fulfillment.
In my case, I believed that I had found the love of my life many years ago. I couldn’t even begin to picture my life without him in it. He had the ability to make me laugh without even trying, I couldn’t wait to get home at the end of the day, the butterfly feeling was always with me whether I was with him or alone. He was smart, funny, would help anyone at the drop of a dime and had the most inquisitive personality I’d ever seen. Aside from the strong love that I had for him, there was still a small sliver of doubt in the back of my mind that I continued to push aside. This doubt had nothing to do with questioning my own feelings for him, but consisted of whether or not his feelings towards me were the same. I really didn’t have to even think twice about making the decision to ride things out until a few years later. While my love for him never lessened in any way, I began to take more notice of the things that I had been brushing off, like the feelings he showed towards me. Things like the increasing lack of affection; instead of hugs and a sincere kiss once in a while, I got a quick “roll in the hay” and then it was off to sleep on our own sides of the bed after hearing the word, Thanks. There were no good mornings or good byes before leaving for work and even after work I would see his truck pull in the driveway, he would run into the barn to grab something and then I would see him go off and be gone again without ever even coming inside. Instead of defending me when I was being belittled or made uncomfortable, he began joining in on the insults and disrespect. The accusations began and the disrespect kept getting worse and the Trust was shaky at best. No matter how strong a person is, everyone still needs to hear the person they love encourage and compliment them instead of pointing out every flaw they can find, making you feel about as small as a grain of sand.
After a while all of the negativity began to take even more of a toll on my emotions little by little. One night after sitting home alone until the early hours of morning without hearing a word from him while he was out living it up with his buddies all night, he finally came home, could hardly walk straight, couldn’t say a word without slurring and the best part, he had a pretty significant ex-girlfriend in tow on the back of the four wheeler with him and had apparently made the decision to allow her to spend the night. That was when I finally realized that all of the effort and heartache I had been going through might have just been a waste of my time and all of the love I tried to give in a long shot attempt to just get the same back from him. But despite all of this, I was still determined to not give up on this man who obviously had a problem and was obviously afraid of opening up to someone after being hurt so badly prior to our own relationship. I was not done trying to convince someone that I had loved whole-heartedly that I was not going to hurt him or leave him like others had before. We do however, all have a breaking point and after being involved in a near fatal accident, the words “I guess you’re just a burden now” became that breaking point for me and that is also the point where the end of our time together began to play out. To hear yourself described as a ‘burden’ by the one person I loved the most, only confirmed for me that that was all I was all along. All of the images of our future I had hoped to have together were completely shattered at the end of that one small sentence. I could not for the life of me comprehend how the person I had loved so much and had tried so hard for for so long, despite all of our struggles, could completely crush you and then just walk away without showing any kind of remorse what so ever.
I spent weeks trying to come to terms with the fact that the whole relationship was nothing more than a joke to all of those who were aware of it. At one point a slight effort was made to try and repair what had been broken from the start, but by this point I was already so afraid to fully open myself up to that vulnerability and the possibility of reliving the same hurt that I was still far from recovering from to begin with. After being hurt so badly over and over again by a person who all you wanted to do was help, to make sure they knew that they have someone who they can always count on, someone that only wanted to help make they’re everything better, to stand by them through the highs and the lows…to make sure they knew that the only thing I wanted in return, was to receive the same kind of love I had tried to give them. My only instinct was to run, force myself into thinking that I was over him and made the emotional wreck of a decision…to move on. Once the gravity of that decision set in, then came the feeling of failure, a feeling that I still deal with years later. Even after meeting someone who made me feel wonderful, someone who was nothing but good to me. But the problem is that a huge part of my heart still to this day, belongs to someone else.
This is a very harsh truth for me to admit and this is the first time I have been able to come out and say these things that I have been holding on to for such a long time. But the truth is yes, I am ‘comfortable’ in every aspect of the word but the feeling of guilt and regret is something that I still carry with me daily. I feel like I am living a lie every morning when I wake up. I wonder every day how different things might have been if maybe I had just given that one more chance. Loving someone is the easy part, but being “in love” with someone is one of the hardest, most challenging things we will ever experience. But, staying in love with someone despite distance, time, hurt and loss is even harder than that. The feeling of being stuck and knowing that eventually, having to hurt someone who has done nothing but love you is inescapable when you know that you’ve already loved someone so much more than you could even attempt to love anyone else again. I am bringing myself to finally say these things because one of the biggest mistakes I made was not speaking up when I had the chance, I now find myself in the position of wanting something that I may never be able to get back. Alcoholism affects more than just the person with the disease, it affects those who love them and it affects the future of those who love them as well. While that relationship had the makings of a happy ending that was thrown away, by both of us. Now that the bitterness, anger and sadness have passed, instead of holding onto the bad memories I know that I will always have the irreplaceable good memories that stay with me every day. The memories that make me smile for no reason and laugh when I feel like crying. While I may have made some efforts to move on, my biggest fear is that if the hurt goes away, so will all of those good memories…and I don’t ever want to forget a single moment we had together. Good or bad. I often wonder if I am crazy for feeling this way or if this is just a part of the separation from an alcoholic that you still love...." ~
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Thank you for your responses! Had I mentioned he was drunk when he called. Strangely, yesterday, after I woke up with puffy eyes, I had an amazing day. I am happy. I don't miss him, I know he will be ok, I have no hard feelings.
I just now went back to all the threads I started on here over the years and I am in such shock. I have never done this before because I never wanted to face the truth that I myself had written down on here. SO MANY things I had forgotten/blocked out. I cannot believe what I lived through with this guy. I honestly had no idea it was that bad and that is so strange. It is true what they say about the frog and the boiling water...
I told my family and friends that it's over. I will never ever get back together with him or any other alcoholic. I will take things very slow with this new guy who is currently half way around the world, very patient, and not in a hurry. We are just getting to know each other. Do you know this amazing feeling when someone tells you, just as a side note, "I don't drink."
This was and is a life lesson of huge proportions, but it has made me a stronger person. I accumulated $20,000 of debt because of it, but I am lucky in that I have a great job now and with some overtime and frugal living, I should have it paid off soonish. I will never ever pay for someone's pot, booze, and computer games again.
I quit one of my anti-depressants, I don't have an irrational fear of dying anymore (this was a big problem in the last six months), my dogs are so happy and healthy in a stress-free home. My new job is amazing, I am falling in love with this city, and I am going on shopping sprees for new clothes because I need a happier look for myself. Excess weight is literally just dropping off me.
This forum has been my lifeline and I will definitely stick around. The emotional support has been nothing short of miraculous. I am positive I would still be in that mess without this place. And I promised myself that should I ever doubt this break-up (I know I won't), I will go and read my old posts.
It sounds like such a cliche, but I feel so incredibly alive and awake right now and future bouts of mourning don't scare me.
I just now went back to all the threads I started on here over the years and I am in such shock. I have never done this before because I never wanted to face the truth that I myself had written down on here. SO MANY things I had forgotten/blocked out. I cannot believe what I lived through with this guy. I honestly had no idea it was that bad and that is so strange. It is true what they say about the frog and the boiling water...
I told my family and friends that it's over. I will never ever get back together with him or any other alcoholic. I will take things very slow with this new guy who is currently half way around the world, very patient, and not in a hurry. We are just getting to know each other. Do you know this amazing feeling when someone tells you, just as a side note, "I don't drink."
This was and is a life lesson of huge proportions, but it has made me a stronger person. I accumulated $20,000 of debt because of it, but I am lucky in that I have a great job now and with some overtime and frugal living, I should have it paid off soonish. I will never ever pay for someone's pot, booze, and computer games again.
I quit one of my anti-depressants, I don't have an irrational fear of dying anymore (this was a big problem in the last six months), my dogs are so happy and healthy in a stress-free home. My new job is amazing, I am falling in love with this city, and I am going on shopping sprees for new clothes because I need a happier look for myself. Excess weight is literally just dropping off me.
This forum has been my lifeline and I will definitely stick around. The emotional support has been nothing short of miraculous. I am positive I would still be in that mess without this place. And I promised myself that should I ever doubt this break-up (I know I won't), I will go and read my old posts.
It sounds like such a cliche, but I feel so incredibly alive and awake right now and future bouts of mourning don't scare me.
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It's nice to get your life back, eh? You go, girl!!
Thanks for sharing this - it will resonate with others here, as it did me back in my early time here. A ray of hope in an otherwise dreary existence.
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He hasn't changed (because the alcoholic stinkin' thinking (AA term) is still in effect. His statement to you is designed to bring HIM comfort (not you, primarily). It is designed to relieve his guilt (responsibility)--not so much to "set you free". I think you can sort of see that?? At least, that is what it looks like from where I sit (LOL).
It's ok if he needs to do things this way to feel better about it. Whatever works to make this as stress-free as possible. As long as it's FOREVER over.
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Originally Posted by stillhurt 
Kimmieh, I just posted this earlier today and I believe we have something in common here. I know all too well the loss you feel that was brought on by something completely out of our control. It has been 4 years since my relationship ended and I still live with the "what if's" every day. The self-blame goes away after a while but there are still unresolved feelings that you can't help but wonder about...this was my post on another thread and to be honest, it makes me feel a little bit better that I am not the only one going through this, I hope it does the same for you....
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
It's nice to get your life back, eh? You go, girl!!
Thanks for sharing this - it will resonate with others here, as it did me back in my early time here. A ray of hope in an otherwise dreary existence.
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Kimmie, sitting here at work, I cried reading your post - it most certainly resonates because I feel like I'm in the process of being robbed of an amazing person, too. But I'm so proud of you. I hope you're feeling better and better. I feel for you - I hate this disease so much.
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Thank you! It still feels amazing. I just told my mom and with every person I tell, I feel like I am moving further away from the possibility of going back.
I cannot emphasize enough that reading my old threats sealed the deal. How very sad how much we forget.
And I am in the camp of the people who tell newcomers to run. It's just to much hurt and pain. I wish I had not been convinced all those years that he would not make it without me. While he was with me, he made no money, was drinking, smoking pot, etc. Now, without me, he is working, has his own place, is making progress on many things.
My point is not to focus on him, but to explain my realization that all these years I was arrogant enough to think I could be his savior when really I was working on destroying my life for nothing. I will never ever become involved with an addict again. I would rather die a happy single crazy dog lady.
I cannot emphasize enough that reading my old threats sealed the deal. How very sad how much we forget.
And I am in the camp of the people who tell newcomers to run. It's just to much hurt and pain. I wish I had not been convinced all those years that he would not make it without me. While he was with me, he made no money, was drinking, smoking pot, etc. Now, without me, he is working, has his own place, is making progress on many things.
My point is not to focus on him, but to explain my realization that all these years I was arrogant enough to think I could be his savior when really I was working on destroying my life for nothing. I will never ever become involved with an addict again. I would rather die a happy single crazy dog lady.
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