Hi all . Need help and not sure where to start
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Toronto
Posts: 5
Hi all . Need help and not sure where to start
I recently broke up with my lady of 4 years. We lived together for the last three and the last two were complete drama.
I met my ex while I was out for dinner and we hit it off . Our first year had a bit of partying (I was 27 and just finished grad school and ex is 4 years older) and there were several warning signs now that I think of it. She use to drink excessively and cause arguments and get real moody. There were several occasions were she would black out and not remember much of the night. During our first year when she would get drunk she would tell me her family hates me and thinks I'm a loser. When I spoke to her she said she didn't remember this . Anyways I thought things would change but they just got worse.
When we moved in together the same behaviour carried on and I told her I didn't like it. It got tot the point where I became very angry and frustrated and began to break things. I thought that if I broke things that were of value then she would stop drinking because she would realize what made me do it. In hindsight I realized that this is poor coping and more anger manage net issues which I need to deal with. Not to back myself up but I was at my wits end.
This last year before we broke up was a whirlwind,she would drink and not come home until 5 or 6 am.. Or sometimes until 4 pm. When I use to got to work at night I called her phone a few times and she wouldn't answer. Once I called private and she picked up and all I heard was music. Not sure what she would be doing out at those times but trust was being strained . I just couldn't trust her.
Anyways this past few months Ifound text messages from random guys on her phone . When I read then she became angry and grabbed the phone from me and made up some story that those were her sisters texts messages. Her stories were always weird when she came home drunk.
The last straw that broke the camels back was when I moved out I was hoping she would take some time to work on herself and drinking, she told me she didn't have a problem and that she would stop when we broke up. That I was making her drink like that, . I left rent money for August last month and noticed a bottle of gin wine and mushrooms on the table . I left thinking its not my business. However the next day when I came over to get my money as I decided I don't want to enable her I found the bottles empty and a letter left on my computer by some dude. I couldn't talk to her about it as she was too drunk . It was sad because the letter said I wish I could say goodbye but you passed out. So basically some guy what's in my place with my belongings while she passed out.
I told the mom her daughter needs help and she became defensive and said it was not ,y business .
A week ago I asked my ex about this guy and she says she doesn't know a person by such a name (he left his name and number and I called him and he said he was seeing her for a few weeks). I want to speak to her about this and am wondering if I should. I still love her and know I need to move on. Advice would be great
Thanks
I met my ex while I was out for dinner and we hit it off . Our first year had a bit of partying (I was 27 and just finished grad school and ex is 4 years older) and there were several warning signs now that I think of it. She use to drink excessively and cause arguments and get real moody. There were several occasions were she would black out and not remember much of the night. During our first year when she would get drunk she would tell me her family hates me and thinks I'm a loser. When I spoke to her she said she didn't remember this . Anyways I thought things would change but they just got worse.
When we moved in together the same behaviour carried on and I told her I didn't like it. It got tot the point where I became very angry and frustrated and began to break things. I thought that if I broke things that were of value then she would stop drinking because she would realize what made me do it. In hindsight I realized that this is poor coping and more anger manage net issues which I need to deal with. Not to back myself up but I was at my wits end.
This last year before we broke up was a whirlwind,she would drink and not come home until 5 or 6 am.. Or sometimes until 4 pm. When I use to got to work at night I called her phone a few times and she wouldn't answer. Once I called private and she picked up and all I heard was music. Not sure what she would be doing out at those times but trust was being strained . I just couldn't trust her.
Anyways this past few months Ifound text messages from random guys on her phone . When I read then she became angry and grabbed the phone from me and made up some story that those were her sisters texts messages. Her stories were always weird when she came home drunk.
The last straw that broke the camels back was when I moved out I was hoping she would take some time to work on herself and drinking, she told me she didn't have a problem and that she would stop when we broke up. That I was making her drink like that, . I left rent money for August last month and noticed a bottle of gin wine and mushrooms on the table . I left thinking its not my business. However the next day when I came over to get my money as I decided I don't want to enable her I found the bottles empty and a letter left on my computer by some dude. I couldn't talk to her about it as she was too drunk . It was sad because the letter said I wish I could say goodbye but you passed out. So basically some guy what's in my place with my belongings while she passed out.
I told the mom her daughter needs help and she became defensive and said it was not ,y business .
A week ago I asked my ex about this guy and she says she doesn't know a person by such a name (he left his name and number and I called him and he said he was seeing her for a few weeks). I want to speak to her about this and am wondering if I should. I still love her and know I need to move on. Advice would be great
Thanks
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Wow, that's a lot to handle.
Welcome to SR, I hope you take the time to do some reading through the Stickeys at the top of this forum's page if you haven't already. I think you'll find a lot of great information there as well as many stories across the board that sound pretty similar to your own.
None of us can tell you what to do (of course) but I would really recommend figuring out what you ultimately want and figuring out a game plan to get yourself there. The truth is that whether you speak to her about any of these issues or not, you still need to have a clear understanding of what YOUR boundaries are and what you find acceptable to live/deal with. It's not likely that a conversation is going to be enough to help her see her rock bottom, reach out for help & go 100% in that direction. More likely that you will meet resistance, gaslighting, blame-shifting & a host of other reactions more common among active addicts.
Many members here are also members of Al-Anon & find great support in that network locally. Definitely sounds like something that would benefit you greatly as well. I think learning detachment right now will also help you give yourself some mental distance & sanity protection. Keep reading, keep posting!
Welcome to SR, I hope you take the time to do some reading through the Stickeys at the top of this forum's page if you haven't already. I think you'll find a lot of great information there as well as many stories across the board that sound pretty similar to your own.
None of us can tell you what to do (of course) but I would really recommend figuring out what you ultimately want and figuring out a game plan to get yourself there. The truth is that whether you speak to her about any of these issues or not, you still need to have a clear understanding of what YOUR boundaries are and what you find acceptable to live/deal with. It's not likely that a conversation is going to be enough to help her see her rock bottom, reach out for help & go 100% in that direction. More likely that you will meet resistance, gaslighting, blame-shifting & a host of other reactions more common among active addicts.
Many members here are also members of Al-Anon & find great support in that network locally. Definitely sounds like something that would benefit you greatly as well. I think learning detachment right now will also help you give yourself some mental distance & sanity protection. Keep reading, keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
I agree with FireSprite that talking to her will probably end up in more sadness, frustration, and confusion for you. Whenever my ex lied to me and I confronted him about it, he went into full attack mode.
I think you can talk to her if you approach it from the standpoint of how you feel, what you want, and what your boundaries are. If you try to talk to her with the hopes of getting the truth out of her, or having her make you feel better about all her lying, you might be really disappointed.
You found a note from another man in your house. You called him and he told you he was seeing your gf for a few weeks. I'm not sure what she could possibly say to deny all of that. You know she is lying, and most likely cheating. You know she is an alcoholic and that nothing you can do can make her stop drinking. Now it is just a matter of getting to the place where you accept all those things, which is hard, I know.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I remember the lying. God, it was terrible. I quit confronting him and fighting with him but that never felt good either. It was like his disease had all the control over my life. Your situation is very difficult but if you keep working on your own recovery, you will eventually find peace. In the meantime, we are here for you.
I think you can talk to her if you approach it from the standpoint of how you feel, what you want, and what your boundaries are. If you try to talk to her with the hopes of getting the truth out of her, or having her make you feel better about all her lying, you might be really disappointed.
You found a note from another man in your house. You called him and he told you he was seeing your gf for a few weeks. I'm not sure what she could possibly say to deny all of that. You know she is lying, and most likely cheating. You know she is an alcoholic and that nothing you can do can make her stop drinking. Now it is just a matter of getting to the place where you accept all those things, which is hard, I know.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I remember the lying. God, it was terrible. I quit confronting him and fighting with him but that never felt good either. It was like his disease had all the control over my life. Your situation is very difficult but if you keep working on your own recovery, you will eventually find peace. In the meantime, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I’m sorry you are dealing with the ending of your relationship I do know how hard and hurtful that is.
I don’t think at this point you are going to accomplish anything with a known lire and drunk.
She has drinking issues, you know that and most likely she does too but she is not ready to address those issues now.
You are hurt especially since you discovered another guy in the picture. It’s not a competition between you or him; he’s probably the most innocent and naive in this situation.
You are out, stay out and away focus on YOU and moving on in your life.
I don’t think at this point you are going to accomplish anything with a known lire and drunk.
She has drinking issues, you know that and most likely she does too but she is not ready to address those issues now.
You are hurt especially since you discovered another guy in the picture. It’s not a competition between you or him; he’s probably the most innocent and naive in this situation.
You are out, stay out and away focus on YOU and moving on in your life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Hi and welcome, ephytrinks.
So sorry for the situation that led you to this forum, but glad you found us.
What you describe it actually pretty common. Alcoholism protects its perimeters. You tried to reach in and shake up her denial, and she not only kicked out out, but cheated on you in the process. What better way to run a man off than go sleeping with other men.
However, what will help you to come to terms with her behavior is to learn to not take it personally. Remember the three C's - you didn't cause her to drink, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Understanding and believing the three C's will help immensely.
Secondly, this is the perfect time to go 'no contact'. You deserve some peace and serenity after a few years of serious drama. Give yourself this wonderful gift.
Read about alcoholism. Visit the newcomers to recovery and alcoholism forums here. It will open your eyes to this disease and give you perspective that you otherwise wouldn't get.
And lastly, break ups hurt. They just do. Even when we know we are doing the right thing, it still hurts. Let yourself feel this and know it is just temporary. Like everything else in this world, it too will pass.
~T
So sorry for the situation that led you to this forum, but glad you found us.
What you describe it actually pretty common. Alcoholism protects its perimeters. You tried to reach in and shake up her denial, and she not only kicked out out, but cheated on you in the process. What better way to run a man off than go sleeping with other men.
However, what will help you to come to terms with her behavior is to learn to not take it personally. Remember the three C's - you didn't cause her to drink, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Understanding and believing the three C's will help immensely.
Secondly, this is the perfect time to go 'no contact'. You deserve some peace and serenity after a few years of serious drama. Give yourself this wonderful gift.
Read about alcoholism. Visit the newcomers to recovery and alcoholism forums here. It will open your eyes to this disease and give you perspective that you otherwise wouldn't get.
And lastly, break ups hurt. They just do. Even when we know we are doing the right thing, it still hurts. Let yourself feel this and know it is just temporary. Like everything else in this world, it too will pass.
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Toronto
Posts: 5
HI ALL,
thank you for the kind remarks. This is a hard part in my life and cant believe i am in this situation ( im sure you all thought the same thing). No contact is going to be hard as i still love her, but I know its the right thing to do.
Hopefully she can change for the better. She is a great lady when she is sober and lovely to be around- she just sucks when she is drunk.
I should also note that when i came home and found the letter we were already on a break for about a month ( though we were still talking via text- i know not much of a break when you are still talking). So- im not sure its cheating but it still sucks.
thank you for the kind remarks. This is a hard part in my life and cant believe i am in this situation ( im sure you all thought the same thing). No contact is going to be hard as i still love her, but I know its the right thing to do.
Hopefully she can change for the better. She is a great lady when she is sober and lovely to be around- she just sucks when she is drunk.
I should also note that when i came home and found the letter we were already on a break for about a month ( though we were still talking via text- i know not much of a break when you are still talking). So- im not sure its cheating but it still sucks.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Sometimes when you love someone, the best thing to do is to let them go. Especially if they are an addict. She is an adult and needs to be allowed to screw up and feel the consequences of her actions. Trying to reason and pull the truth out of an alcoholic is like nailing Jell-O to a tree-- it's crazymaking! Take your newfound peace and quiet and savor it. Start working on yourself so that whenever you are ready to date again, you make healthy choices.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
She has no desire or wish to stop drinking. She is lying to you. She is cheating on you. She is lying about cheating on you.
She has textbook signs of being alcoholic which is a progressive disease meaning that things will get worse and not better unless she personally desperately wants to change enough to enter authentic recovery.
So... your choices are a future of more of the same and worse or opening a new door to a new and better future with healthy relationships.
I spent 4 years of my life trying to change an A into what wanted him to be (sober, responsible equal partner) and trust me... they don't change unless THEY want to change.
Focus on you and your future.... good luck.
She has textbook signs of being alcoholic which is a progressive disease meaning that things will get worse and not better unless she personally desperately wants to change enough to enter authentic recovery.
So... your choices are a future of more of the same and worse or opening a new door to a new and better future with healthy relationships.
I spent 4 years of my life trying to change an A into what wanted him to be (sober, responsible equal partner) and trust me... they don't change unless THEY want to change.
Focus on you and your future.... good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Toronto
Posts: 5
Hi All,
I just want to thank you all for your comments. I need to admit that I relapsed yesterday and called her, against the advice of all you people. It was a big mistake and I dont know why i did it.. She lied and came up with twisted inconsistent stories, as people here stated she would do. SHe is nothing but a liar and a cheat and she just wants me to have this rosy image of her that she was all good. What a load of bs. I really shouldnt care and just need to move on. So today I make a vow to myself and those I love- I will have nothing to do with my ex alcoholic gf. I am going to move on with my life and enjoy peace and harmony. I am going to work on me and when I am ready to date I will definitely be looking for those warning signs! I do not want to be around the lies, the frustration, and the constant heartache!
THanks again!!
I just want to thank you all for your comments. I need to admit that I relapsed yesterday and called her, against the advice of all you people. It was a big mistake and I dont know why i did it.. She lied and came up with twisted inconsistent stories, as people here stated she would do. SHe is nothing but a liar and a cheat and she just wants me to have this rosy image of her that she was all good. What a load of bs. I really shouldnt care and just need to move on. So today I make a vow to myself and those I love- I will have nothing to do with my ex alcoholic gf. I am going to move on with my life and enjoy peace and harmony. I am going to work on me and when I am ready to date I will definitely be looking for those warning signs! I do not want to be around the lies, the frustration, and the constant heartache!
THanks again!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
