How common is it?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 45
How common is it?
My divorce is now final but I am in denial. Almost expecting XAH to come in late tonight. Why do I miss him? There is no drama, chaos, quacking, verbal and physical abuse, lies, cheating, and manipulating with him gone. So why do I feel like this is all temporary?
I was married for 12 years to my high school sweetheart. Where that man went is beyond me. Now he is expecting a love child from an affair he had while I raise my 10 month old by myself.
I have read so much about alcoholism and addiction but it doesn't take away the actual pain that I feel from losing my husband and family to drinking. I'm overwhelmed by the feelings of rejection and betrayal. Is it common for alcoholics to have affairs?
He has spiraled downward fast in a short amount of time. How common is it for alcoholics to have other addictions, drugs, sex, etc? I'm now suspecting more from my XAH though I don't have proof of other addictions. I just can't see his behavior changing so much so fast without other things going on.
I was married for 12 years to my high school sweetheart. Where that man went is beyond me. Now he is expecting a love child from an affair he had while I raise my 10 month old by myself.
I have read so much about alcoholism and addiction but it doesn't take away the actual pain that I feel from losing my husband and family to drinking. I'm overwhelmed by the feelings of rejection and betrayal. Is it common for alcoholics to have affairs?
He has spiraled downward fast in a short amount of time. How common is it for alcoholics to have other addictions, drugs, sex, etc? I'm now suspecting more from my XAH though I don't have proof of other addictions. I just can't see his behavior changing so much so fast without other things going on.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You've built so much of your life with your XAH. That isn't going to go away overnight. Even without the abuse of an addicted spouse, there isn't often joy on the steps of the courthouse after the divorce docket is completed. I would know because I've been there myself. A big part of your life just came to a close and now you're starting something new. It's perfectly ok to grieve the loss, because it IS a loss.
In re: your questions about affairs and other addictions... in a word, yes. It isn't unheard of for an A to have an affair or to turn to other addictions while being an active A. However, I think a better explanation is that the disease is progressive. Without sobriety and recovery, it WILL get worse. The speed of progression is individual to each A. Some take decades to get there, others only a few years.
I hope you are able to find some peace and comfort here in the pages of SR. There are so many who have sat where you do now, and we are all here to help you on this journey. (((HUGS)))
In re: your questions about affairs and other addictions... in a word, yes. It isn't unheard of for an A to have an affair or to turn to other addictions while being an active A. However, I think a better explanation is that the disease is progressive. Without sobriety and recovery, it WILL get worse. The speed of progression is individual to each A. Some take decades to get there, others only a few years.
I hope you are able to find some peace and comfort here in the pages of SR. There are so many who have sat where you do now, and we are all here to help you on this journey. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
at most times they are in denial
Originally Posted by pookielou 
Is it common for alcoholics to have affairs?
How common is it for alcoholics to have other addictions, drugs, sex, etc?
sad
but
most drinking alcoholics and actively using drug addicts
have lost most of their good moral conduct long ago
most cheat, steal, lie and will do or say most anything
so as to continue on their morally, physically and mentally destructive path
not to mention the spiritual damage done to themselves and ones around them
at most times they are in denial of the deception playing out in their lives
but
most drinking alcoholics and actively using drug addicts
have lost most of their good moral conduct long ago
most cheat, steal, lie and will do or say most anything
so as to continue on their morally, physically and mentally destructive path
not to mention the spiritual damage done to themselves and ones around them
at most times they are in denial of the deception playing out in their lives
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I don't know if there is a connection between alcohol use and affairs, except for one thing.
How I reacted to both thing in my marriage, and how out of control, crazy and awful they made me feel.
What are you doing for support? I finally started to get some help for the addiction, when I found out about the affair. Getting help on one topic, helped me with the other. The skills I learned in Al-Anon helped with both (I have no idea why, but especially the skill of detachment and boundaries).
Hugs to you, this is not easy stuff.
How I reacted to both thing in my marriage, and how out of control, crazy and awful they made me feel.
What are you doing for support? I finally started to get some help for the addiction, when I found out about the affair. Getting help on one topic, helped me with the other. The skills I learned in Al-Anon helped with both (I have no idea why, but especially the skill of detachment and boundaries).
Hugs to you, this is not easy stuff.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 45
Thank you for your responses. I started seeing a counselor after I learned about the affair. There was a four month span between my learning of the affair and learning of the pregnancy. In the meantime my XAH and I were living apart but I was still being told that he wanted our marriage to work. It wasn't until I suspected a pregnancy and received no direct answer denying my suspicions that I filed for divorce. He confirmed the pregnancy two days after I filed.
My counselor has been ok. I feel I pay her to listen is all and confirm that I am not crazy despite his crazy making behavior. It's difficult for me to believe that our lives are here because of his poor decisions (the denial). But I am grateful that I was already seeing a counselor when I learned of the baby. I was going to Alanon and it was helping. It's difficult to get away to meetings with a job and a baby. I'm also so embarrassed of my situation. My XAH is reportedly not drinking as much and stepping up to the responsibility of parenthood now which makes me wonder if he truly is an alcoholic. I'm sad that his decisions have truly limited mine. He has yet to prove to me that he wants and is willing to step up and be a father to our daughter.
My counselor has been ok. I feel I pay her to listen is all and confirm that I am not crazy despite his crazy making behavior. It's difficult for me to believe that our lives are here because of his poor decisions (the denial). But I am grateful that I was already seeing a counselor when I learned of the baby. I was going to Alanon and it was helping. It's difficult to get away to meetings with a job and a baby. I'm also so embarrassed of my situation. My XAH is reportedly not drinking as much and stepping up to the responsibility of parenthood now which makes me wonder if he truly is an alcoholic. I'm sad that his decisions have truly limited mine. He has yet to prove to me that he wants and is willing to step up and be a father to our daughter.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
A loss is a loss, no matter what led up to it. Any loss will yield grief, so its natural to miss him and feel a void. Take steps to heal and the grief will lessen.
Every alcoholic that I have known has had other addictions. Some have others while actively drinking, some replaced drinking with other addictions in an attempt to stay sober. Why? Addictive personality? Impulse control issues? Low morals? It can be different reasons for each alcoholic. My stbxah replaced drinking with a sex addiction, lottery tickets, food, exercise....anything to try to fill the alcohol void.
I am in a very similiar situation. In the middle of a divorce, left to raise a newborn and one year old alone while stbxah lives with a new woman, overcome with grief. We are free from the crazy grips of active alcoholism and that is a beautiful thing. Someone told me when I start missing him, to force myself to think of the pain he caused me instead of remembering the good. That has helped me to start letting go.
Sending lots of thoughts and hugs your way.
Every alcoholic that I have known has had other addictions. Some have others while actively drinking, some replaced drinking with other addictions in an attempt to stay sober. Why? Addictive personality? Impulse control issues? Low morals? It can be different reasons for each alcoholic. My stbxah replaced drinking with a sex addiction, lottery tickets, food, exercise....anything to try to fill the alcohol void.
I am in a very similiar situation. In the middle of a divorce, left to raise a newborn and one year old alone while stbxah lives with a new woman, overcome with grief. We are free from the crazy grips of active alcoholism and that is a beautiful thing. Someone told me when I start missing him, to force myself to think of the pain he caused me instead of remembering the good. That has helped me to start letting go.
Sending lots of thoughts and hugs your way.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have come to learn that often in the begining of a relationship, use of alcohol will diminish as are other "negative" behaviors....because a person is trying to put his best foot forward. Was his drinking as significant at first in your relationship?
I really enjoyed anything by Janet Abrahm Springs on affairs (she is an author). Her book on forgiveness really helped me too.
Some of the literature from Al-Anon (the stuff more with personal stories) really helped. The first one I read was called In All Our Affairs, and there was a story on a woman struggling with both alcohol and affairs that really struck me. That reading helped my sanity.
Shame is a part of this in my opinion (both sides). It is a hard part of it, and it takes awhile to get through.
It is hard to make time for recovery, especially when it is hard to get out of bed in the morning and live your life. It is worth it, it does help, and it can be gotten through.
I really enjoyed anything by Janet Abrahm Springs on affairs (she is an author). Her book on forgiveness really helped me too.
Some of the literature from Al-Anon (the stuff more with personal stories) really helped. The first one I read was called In All Our Affairs, and there was a story on a woman struggling with both alcohol and affairs that really struck me. That reading helped my sanity.
Shame is a part of this in my opinion (both sides). It is a hard part of it, and it takes awhile to get through.
It is hard to make time for recovery, especially when it is hard to get out of bed in the morning and live your life. It is worth it, it does help, and it can be gotten through.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
It's very common. I spoke about my aexh's porn addiction at an alanon meeting once. Afterwards, another attendee said to me, "there's never just one addiction." My aexh's take on this was that he had a hard time controlling his impulses... and yet he was always surprised by the absolutely predictable negative results. I have quit trying to understand why cause and effect relationships were (and still are, as far as I can tell) so difficult for him to grasp.
Oh, try not to worry about him being a better man for the new woman. My ex put on a good front for the new girlfriend (now wife) for awhile. Now they yell at each other and threaten divorce on a regular basis, according to my daughter. A couple of years ago she said, "I've learned from Dad and [Mrs. Aexh] what not to do in a relationship." A new boyfriend or girlfriend does not make a new person. An alcoholic takes the source of his problems in their old relationship right into the next one.
Oh, try not to worry about him being a better man for the new woman. My ex put on a good front for the new girlfriend (now wife) for awhile. Now they yell at each other and threaten divorce on a regular basis, according to my daughter. A couple of years ago she said, "I've learned from Dad and [Mrs. Aexh] what not to do in a relationship." A new boyfriend or girlfriend does not make a new person. An alcoholic takes the source of his problems in their old relationship right into the next one.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by BuffaloGal
A new boyfriend or girlfriend does not make a new person. An alcoholic takes the source of his problems in their old relationship right into the next one.
Not on the original topic posted here, but a point I wanted to bring up.
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