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Question?
Hello everyone!!!
I have been thinking about leaving my alcoholic husband for the past few months. Things have gotten worse. When you finnally left your A did you tell him first? Did you tell your in laws? I have no parents myself and I have become very close to my in laws. They are in denial of his problem. His mother tried to convince me that I should cook , clean , do all his laundry and he will have no reason to drink. Crazy, HUH? I have a 7 month old and my feelings are so confused. I don't know what to do first. I know that my husband will not believe me or he will say his famous "WHATEVER". I don't want to lose the love and support of my in-laws. I would appreciate any suggestions. Thanks, GEM
I have been thinking about leaving my alcoholic husband for the past few months. Things have gotten worse. When you finnally left your A did you tell him first? Did you tell your in laws? I have no parents myself and I have become very close to my in laws. They are in denial of his problem. His mother tried to convince me that I should cook , clean , do all his laundry and he will have no reason to drink. Crazy, HUH? I have a 7 month old and my feelings are so confused. I don't know what to do first. I know that my husband will not believe me or he will say his famous "WHATEVER". I don't want to lose the love and support of my in-laws. I would appreciate any suggestions. Thanks, GEM
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Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Peoria, IL USA
Posts: 105
I told my exa. He did not believe me until I showed him the papers he would be served. I love my father-in-law to death also. He won't tolerate drinking either. He is a farmer and worked in the oil fields his whole life and never drank. I finally had to call and explain that I filed for divorce when my a came home one day and said his Dad wanted his tiller back. I got on the phone immediately to ask him about it. What a sweet guy. He fully understood. Of course, my a said they were all laughing at me, but in my heart I know they were not. I want to say whose laughing now that he is going between the family for a place to live, but a)that would be mean and b) they now see what I was going through for the last 25 years.
I also work in a law firm and I have to tell you, I have seen it all when it comes to divorce. My sister is a lawyer and her daughters father is $50,000 in arrears now. Don't expect to live on child support. I have received very little myself. Not even a divorce decree can make an a responsible for their own children. You can't force them to be responsible. I would like to force visitation, but found out you can't do that either.
I have learned that all you CAN do is take care of you and the kids. No one can make the decision to divorce for you, but when you do look to family and friends. I have found some wonderful people that stood by me that I didn't think would. Like they say, in times of trouble you find who your true friends are.
Good luck and keep coming here.
I also work in a law firm and I have to tell you, I have seen it all when it comes to divorce. My sister is a lawyer and her daughters father is $50,000 in arrears now. Don't expect to live on child support. I have received very little myself. Not even a divorce decree can make an a responsible for their own children. You can't force them to be responsible. I would like to force visitation, but found out you can't do that either.
I have learned that all you CAN do is take care of you and the kids. No one can make the decision to divorce for you, but when you do look to family and friends. I have found some wonderful people that stood by me that I didn't think would. Like they say, in times of trouble you find who your true friends are.
Good luck and keep coming here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Gem!
Hey and first of all Welcome!
Ok, I can tell you, You can cook 5 star meals every night, iron every last stitch of his clothing, scrub toliets until you see your reflection, be there for them physically and mentally, day in and day out...all but go to work for them and do their jobs....
Will it do anything to make them stop drinking?
NO
Will it make them see how nice home can be and make the want to stay there sober??
NO
Will you exhausting yourself trying to please and walk on eggshells around them make them love you anymore or less?
Absolutely Not
You can...get up everyday to clean the house for you, take the beautiful baby to the inlaws while you go get your nails done, or take a couple hours to yourself....get to a meeting, take a long nap.....or do some reading.
How frustrated you feel is so normal, I've been here at work and literally wanted to scream before..it is very hard to go through this. And esp. being a new mother too.
We've used the analogy on these boards about "us" trying to ignore the fact about there being an ELEPHANT in the living room...(elephant meaning the alcoholic) We can step around it, and try to ignore it the best we can, but it is very hard to do.
I can relate to the issue about how you feel about the inlaws, I am very close to mine, except my inlaws take my side in all of this. They try to influence me to leave all the time. It is hard, but trying to get to some meetings and coming here will help. Hang in there....and take care of you!
bonbon
[This message has been edited by bonbon (edited April 23, 2002).]
Hey and first of all Welcome!
Ok, I can tell you, You can cook 5 star meals every night, iron every last stitch of his clothing, scrub toliets until you see your reflection, be there for them physically and mentally, day in and day out...all but go to work for them and do their jobs....
Will it do anything to make them stop drinking?
NO
Will it make them see how nice home can be and make the want to stay there sober??
NO
Will you exhausting yourself trying to please and walk on eggshells around them make them love you anymore or less?
Absolutely Not
You can...get up everyday to clean the house for you, take the beautiful baby to the inlaws while you go get your nails done, or take a couple hours to yourself....get to a meeting, take a long nap.....or do some reading.
How frustrated you feel is so normal, I've been here at work and literally wanted to scream before..it is very hard to go through this. And esp. being a new mother too.
We've used the analogy on these boards about "us" trying to ignore the fact about there being an ELEPHANT in the living room...(elephant meaning the alcoholic) We can step around it, and try to ignore it the best we can, but it is very hard to do.
I can relate to the issue about how you feel about the inlaws, I am very close to mine, except my inlaws take my side in all of this. They try to influence me to leave all the time. It is hard, but trying to get to some meetings and coming here will help. Hang in there....and take care of you!
bonbon
[This message has been edited by bonbon (edited April 23, 2002).]
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Join Date: Oct 2001
Posts: 6
Hi, gem. I have a couple of thoughts. If you decide to tell him that you are leaving, are you looking for a particular reaction? For example, do you have an expectation that he will suddenly change his ways if you threaten to leave or would you just be telling him so that he will know what is going on?
With regard to your in-laws, you may wish to consider keeping them informed about what is happening in order to make it easier and more comfortable for them to continue to be involved with your child. If you lose those lines of communication, they may be hard to re-establish later.
As for the remark about your A being driven to drink by you not doing enough housework... Wow, that's an odd comment to make to a woman taking care of an infant. I'm almost speechless. Almost. Anyway, in my experience, if the A has determined that his drinking is your "fault", it will still be your "fault" (in his eyes only, of course). Maybe he'll decide that he doesn't LIKE home cooked meals or that he doesn't WANT to see his reflection in the toilet or whatever.
Take care of yourself and your precious baby.
Sasha
With regard to your in-laws, you may wish to consider keeping them informed about what is happening in order to make it easier and more comfortable for them to continue to be involved with your child. If you lose those lines of communication, they may be hard to re-establish later.
As for the remark about your A being driven to drink by you not doing enough housework... Wow, that's an odd comment to make to a woman taking care of an infant. I'm almost speechless. Almost. Anyway, in my experience, if the A has determined that his drinking is your "fault", it will still be your "fault" (in his eyes only, of course). Maybe he'll decide that he doesn't LIKE home cooked meals or that he doesn't WANT to see his reflection in the toilet or whatever.
Take care of yourself and your precious baby.
Sasha
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
As the mother of an older child and also a grandmother I would want to know. I have a wonderful relationship with my grandchilds mother and my son is barely involved. But be prepared...not everyone is like us.
Also telling him you are leaving is your choice, but try to think it through. You don't want to handle things in such a way to cause regret for yourself later. And if you do tell him...know what you mean and mean what you say. If you waffle, you loose credibility.
Good luck,
Paula
Also telling him you are leaving is your choice, but try to think it through. You don't want to handle things in such a way to cause regret for yourself later. And if you do tell him...know what you mean and mean what you say. If you waffle, you loose credibility.
Good luck,
Paula
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