Question when is it time to talk?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: On my life path
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Question when is it time to talk?
My AB and his wife have been separated almost a year. AB is in recovery however has had some slip ups along the way. 
He insists that they need to start talking because it would help his recovery however because of the slip ups his wife is has been holding her ground and is not yet willing to open that window. Has anyone been in a similar situation and/or have any sage wisdom/advice, an opinion on when it is time to talk?
He insists that they need to start talking because it would help his recovery however because of the slip ups his wife is has been holding her ground and is not yet willing to open that window. Has anyone been in a similar situation and/or have any sage wisdom/advice, an opinion on when it is time to talk?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Soullight, his recovery does not depend on his wife (although he may think that it does). If he wants recovery because he wants to live his life sober--then nothing will keep him from it. He will put recovery first--before all else. This may just be his dependency needs or his manipulation talking.
I would say that the time to "talk" would be when both parties feel ready. She, obviously isn't ready--and, I would bet she has her own good reasons.
dandylion
I would say that the time to "talk" would be when both parties feel ready. She, obviously isn't ready--and, I would bet she has her own good reasons.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
My XAH of 22 years has said to me a couple of times (when he is drunk): "we really need to talk", but I'm not interested in "talking" to a drunk who blames me for the state of his miserable life.
It will be "time to talk" when your brother's wife decides she wants to talk. Unfortunately, that time might not be suitable for your brother's timeline. It might not be ever.
For many of us wives, ex-wives, partners and girlfriends of alcoholics the alcoholic has often done so much damage we are simply emotionally unable to go back.
Cutting off one's supposed life partner was the hardest thing we have ever done and we did it to save ourselves. It scares me to death that by simply "talking" to my X I could be sucked back into that black hole of despair, abuse and fear.
I can't do it.
It will be "time to talk" when your brother's wife decides she wants to talk. Unfortunately, that time might not be suitable for your brother's timeline. It might not be ever.
For many of us wives, ex-wives, partners and girlfriends of alcoholics the alcoholic has often done so much damage we are simply emotionally unable to go back.
Cutting off one's supposed life partner was the hardest thing we have ever done and we did it to save ourselves. It scares me to death that by simply "talking" to my X I could be sucked back into that black hole of despair, abuse and fear.
I can't do it.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
SoulLight,
It's great that you are here if you have an AB.
Secondly, if you are thinking you have any control over his drinking and recovery, forget about what AB tells you and stories about his wife. She is unreasonable? It's her fault? She is part of his drinking/recovery? Better high tail it to Al Anon.
Finally, what kind of 'slip ups'? As in, he's still drinking. As in, he did what my stbxah did and went crazy, threatening to kill her?
Remember, she didn't cause his drinking, she can't control it, nor can she cure it.
And you, my dear, can't cure it either.
You want to save someone? Save yourself! I wouldn't trust an A who tries to make his wife responsible for his drinking habits for one second!
It's great that you are here if you have an AB.
Secondly, if you are thinking you have any control over his drinking and recovery, forget about what AB tells you and stories about his wife. She is unreasonable? It's her fault? She is part of his drinking/recovery? Better high tail it to Al Anon.
Finally, what kind of 'slip ups'? As in, he's still drinking. As in, he did what my stbxah did and went crazy, threatening to kill her?
Remember, she didn't cause his drinking, she can't control it, nor can she cure it.
And you, my dear, can't cure it either.
You want to save someone? Save yourself! I wouldn't trust an A who tries to make his wife responsible for his drinking habits for one second!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: sandiego ca
Posts: 12
I hope she holds her ground
She might not want to go back to that life he still is drinking she might be smart and know if she talks to him he might have her go back and all she has did to make her life with out drinking will be lost and both will be the losers when he stops wasting his life with the drinking then is the time to talk AND I was like him till I got time with out a drink now I have years
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by SoulLight 
My AB and his wife have been separated almost a year. AB is in recovery however has had some slip ups along the way. He insists that they need to start talking because it would help his recovery however because of the slip ups his wife is has been holding her ground and is not yet willing to open that window. Has anyone been in a similar situation and/or have any sage wisdom/advice, an opinion on when it is time to talk?
He insists that they need to start talking because it would help his recovery however because of the slip ups his wife is has been holding her ground and is not yet willing to open that window. Has anyone been in a similar situation and/or have any sage wisdom/advice, an opinion on when it is time to talk?One thing I wanted to point out in your OP though, to help your understanding. I'll GUARANTEE it isn't because of his "slip-ups" that she is refusing. That may have been the straw that broke her back so-to-speak, but I'll bet my last dollar that she's holding her ground because of The Everything she has endured up to this point & not "just" about the slip ups.
I wish them luck!!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Her talking with him has absolutely nothing to do with his recovery. He, and he alone, is responsible for his recovery whether they talk every day or never talk again. Sounds like if he's trying to put some responsibility back on her then he still has a lot of work to do. That, and the "slip ups" have to stop if he really wants a sober life.
I applaud her for holding her boundaries. She alone knows what she lived with, and she decides if and when she speaks to him again. She is not on anyone else's timeline.
I applaud her for holding her boundaries. She alone knows what she lived with, and she decides if and when she speaks to him again. She is not on anyone else's timeline.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Thank you all for your responses I am most grateful! I knew I would get sound insightful thoughts from those who have walked the walk and continue to walk tall.
And a difficult path it is. I'm stand with my sister-in-law in her decision to hold her ground. We understand he needs to be accountable for his demons and only he can peel back the layers to find himself down beneath his addictions. He's been a master manipulator and boy oh boy does he get impatient when he doesn't get what he wants. It's been quite interesting to see how he responds/reacts now that his addictions aren't controlling his family like they once did.
Thanks again!
And a difficult path it is. I'm stand with my sister-in-law in her decision to hold her ground. We understand he needs to be accountable for his demons and only he can peel back the layers to find himself down beneath his addictions. He's been a master manipulator and boy oh boy does he get impatient when he doesn't get what he wants. It's been quite interesting to see how he responds/reacts now that his addictions aren't controlling his family like they once did.
Thanks again!
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