A plan...of sorts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
A plan...of sorts.
In the past, I have posted about my less than ideal circumstances with my AH, and then my inability to proceed with any real direction. After a tumultuous couple of weeks, I still have no concrete decision about my future, but there are some steps that I can take that will be helpful, no matter which path I take. Perhaps, this should be a private reflection, however, I feel the need to reach out for advice (yet again), and maybe I will hold myself more accountable if I post here. Some circumstances leading up to my forward momentum converged on me these last two weeks and I just feel like I need a PLAN.
Last weekend, was our 21st anniversary, and during the course of our dinner, my AH told me that I was stocky. I had a chuckle and posted about it here on SR.
This past weekend, was my AH's 60th birthday. Now, my experiences from the last few birthdays, left me dreading another blow-up, and unfortunately, my expectations were met. I really, really tried to be up-beat, pleasant, jovial, but I could see that spiral heading to the bottom. As a result, when I gave AH his birthday present, he literally threw it back at me, he was so disgusted (for the record it was a comforter for the bed that we share). Now for all of those guys that might think that this is an lame gift, please consider that 1. AH has always stated that he does not like frivolous gifts; he prefers something useful 2. He told me earlier this summer that he wanted an new comforter for the bed that was less feminine, and 3. he usually just buys what he wants, and leaves me with very few ideas. So I thought this would be perfect. Cleaning this up to make a long story short. It was a horrible weekend. Although by 5 pm on Sunday, the light switch had been flipped and everything was supposed to be just great again. Of course the nastier he is during one of his episodes, the sweeter he is the next day. I finally confronted him and explained exactly how I felt; that his behavior was unacceptable, and that I was not going to pretend it never happened. After discussing it for a bit, I soon discovered that it was all my fault after all, as I had caused him to have the worst birthday ever. He had some plans (that he never shared with me) and claimed that I had my own agenda (um, I took my daughter to the urgent care center because she had a lingering cough). I evidently don't consider his needs and make a big enough fuss for his birthday, like he does for ours.
True enough, but his birthday falls during a very stressful and busy time of year (beginning of school) and I am really tired of walking on eggshells.
Anyhow, my plans are simple; get to some Al-Anon meetings (had the opportunity tonight, but needed to pick my daughter up from school), pay off my 2 credit cards by Christmas, and purchase a vehicle so that I have some autonomy (having to share with AH at the moment. Argh). Then, after Christmas, I can set some more long term goals. All of the holiday hoopla will be past us, and maybe I can make some decisions. Even if I don't leave, these steps will be helpful.
I am also not allowing myself to replace the cat that we had for 21 years. I would dearly love to have another pet, however, this could be a potential problem if I choose to leave.
As I look out at the view from the deck of our yurt, I feel very sad. We worked so hard to get to this place; our dream house (yes it is a yurt), a shared future, and dreams that we talked about coming true. I feel like I am dashing all of this away, but I am so unhappy now, that none of it matters any more.
I guess that I will implement these first tiny steps and see what happens...
Last weekend, was our 21st anniversary, and during the course of our dinner, my AH told me that I was stocky. I had a chuckle and posted about it here on SR.
This past weekend, was my AH's 60th birthday. Now, my experiences from the last few birthdays, left me dreading another blow-up, and unfortunately, my expectations were met. I really, really tried to be up-beat, pleasant, jovial, but I could see that spiral heading to the bottom. As a result, when I gave AH his birthday present, he literally threw it back at me, he was so disgusted (for the record it was a comforter for the bed that we share). Now for all of those guys that might think that this is an lame gift, please consider that 1. AH has always stated that he does not like frivolous gifts; he prefers something useful 2. He told me earlier this summer that he wanted an new comforter for the bed that was less feminine, and 3. he usually just buys what he wants, and leaves me with very few ideas. So I thought this would be perfect. Cleaning this up to make a long story short. It was a horrible weekend. Although by 5 pm on Sunday, the light switch had been flipped and everything was supposed to be just great again. Of course the nastier he is during one of his episodes, the sweeter he is the next day. I finally confronted him and explained exactly how I felt; that his behavior was unacceptable, and that I was not going to pretend it never happened. After discussing it for a bit, I soon discovered that it was all my fault after all, as I had caused him to have the worst birthday ever. He had some plans (that he never shared with me) and claimed that I had my own agenda (um, I took my daughter to the urgent care center because she had a lingering cough). I evidently don't consider his needs and make a big enough fuss for his birthday, like he does for ours.
True enough, but his birthday falls during a very stressful and busy time of year (beginning of school) and I am really tired of walking on eggshells.
Anyhow, my plans are simple; get to some Al-Anon meetings (had the opportunity tonight, but needed to pick my daughter up from school), pay off my 2 credit cards by Christmas, and purchase a vehicle so that I have some autonomy (having to share with AH at the moment. Argh). Then, after Christmas, I can set some more long term goals. All of the holiday hoopla will be past us, and maybe I can make some decisions. Even if I don't leave, these steps will be helpful.
I am also not allowing myself to replace the cat that we had for 21 years. I would dearly love to have another pet, however, this could be a potential problem if I choose to leave.
As I look out at the view from the deck of our yurt, I feel very sad. We worked so hard to get to this place; our dream house (yes it is a yurt), a shared future, and dreams that we talked about coming true. I feel like I am dashing all of this away, but I am so unhappy now, that none of it matters any more.
I guess that I will implement these first tiny steps and see what happens...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step......
I think it is important that, at least, you can begin to VISUALIZE yourself leaving.
Also, I am so glad to hear about your decision on the cat issue. I am so heartbroken when I see the animals suffer and become homeless in the wake of broken relationships. I have always believed that adopting an animal should be a commitment to them for their life. I believe that this is a truly unselfish act on your part!!!!
I hearing what you are saying about the house--but, I can tell you from my own experience that unless you can have a satisfied heart--a house is nothing m ore than so much wood, bricks and mortar. It takes heart to make a house a home.
dandylion
I think it is important that, at least, you can begin to VISUALIZE yourself leaving.
Also, I am so glad to hear about your decision on the cat issue. I am so heartbroken when I see the animals suffer and become homeless in the wake of broken relationships. I have always believed that adopting an animal should be a commitment to them for their life. I believe that this is a truly unselfish act on your part!!!!
I hearing what you are saying about the house--but, I can tell you from my own experience that unless you can have a satisfied heart--a house is nothing m ore than so much wood, bricks and mortar. It takes heart to make a house a home.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
Just like dandylion said "visualize yourself leaving" and you seem to be doing that. I think your plan is great. I would work on getting the car first so you can ensure you can do the other 2 things: get to Al Anon meetings and maybe extra work to pay off those credit cards. And by the way--I think your birthday gift to him was nice--you paid attention to something he wanted and got it for him. Anyone who does not appreciate the time you took to pick out a gift specific to something they asked for does not deserve you! You are awesome & you will survive!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I have been looking at yurts for a recreational place up north...love them! ; )
Ok, so you have a plan. That's great! Keep the focus on this plan, and try as best you can to continue living your life as you see fit and avoiding his rages as best you can. Knowing there is an end in sight should probably help with that!
And do know you did nothing wrong in regards to his birthday. He should feel lucky there is one person on this earth that seems happy he is alive. Instead he treated you as less than a human being. What an a-hole.
But, this is the very thing that has happened to the majority of us - in different flavors - but same story. God I don't miss that! AT ALL! And neither will you.
Keep your chin up and stay strong!
~T
Ok, so you have a plan. That's great! Keep the focus on this plan, and try as best you can to continue living your life as you see fit and avoiding his rages as best you can. Knowing there is an end in sight should probably help with that!
And do know you did nothing wrong in regards to his birthday. He should feel lucky there is one person on this earth that seems happy he is alive. Instead he treated you as less than a human being. What an a-hole.
But, this is the very thing that has happened to the majority of us - in different flavors - but same story. God I don't miss that! AT ALL! And neither will you.
Keep your chin up and stay strong!
~T
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I was going to try to explain a yurt, but it's easier to just post a link. Pacific Yurts
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
The yurts in my state come extra insulated for year around use with a wood stove for heat in the winter. Alaskan Tough Yurts | Nomad Shelter Yurts | Quality Alaskan Yurts | Used Yurts for Sale | Buy a Yurt | How to Build Yurts | Yurt Manufacturers | Yurts Sales
On my list of future must haves!! ; )
On my list of future must haves!! ; )
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Well, it looks like AH may have sabotaged the car deal. Just read the emails between him and the car dealer that concluded at 11 pm last night. Don't think they're going to put up with much more. Of his crap.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Sorry, late to this thread, but THIS caught my eye . . .
. . . . that some guys are total [insert your word of choice]
Just for one guy's perspective -- I would think that was a WONDERFUL gift.
I might use it all wrong, and want her all nekkid along with me, and start at one edge of the bed and roll over and over, with us rolled up like a big burrito, and sleep all twisted and tangled together like that all night long, but that sounds GREAT to me.
I guess if you had to go to the bathroom or something in the middle of the night it could have its drawbacks. Thinking too much.
But that would be a wonderful gift. We spend something like a 1/3 of our life in bed. Might as well make it some quality time.
===============
Ok, Back To Our Regular Programs on the Why A's Suck Channel.
Originally Posted by Yurt 
(for the record it was a comforter for the bed that we share). Now for all of those guys that might think that this is an lame gift, please consider that . . .
Just for one guy's perspective -- I would think that was a WONDERFUL gift.
I might use it all wrong, and want her all nekkid along with me, and start at one edge of the bed and roll over and over, with us rolled up like a big burrito, and sleep all twisted and tangled together like that all night long, but that sounds GREAT to me.
I guess if you had to go to the bathroom or something in the middle of the night it could have its drawbacks. Thinking too much.
But that would be a wonderful gift. We spend something like a 1/3 of our life in bed. Might as well make it some quality time.
===============
Ok, Back To Our Regular Programs on the Why A's Suck Channel.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
Oh no, Hammer;
Made laugh on a real sucky morning. Sorry, but I keep coming across your posts that refer to you peeing your pants, so I don't know if you should follow up with the whole "burrito" idea.
Made laugh on a real sucky morning. Sorry, but I keep coming across your posts that refer to you peeing your pants, so I don't know if you should follow up with the whole "burrito" idea.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by Hammer
Sorry, late to this thread, but THIS caught my eye . . .
. . . . that some guys are total [insert your word of choice]
Just for one guy's perspective -- I would think that was a WONDERFUL gift.
I might use it all wrong, and want her all nekkid along with me, and start at one edge of the bed and roll over and over, with us rolled up like a big burrito, and sleep all twisted and tangled together like that all night long, but that sounds GREAT to me.
I guess if you had to go to the bathroom or something in the middle of the night it could have its drawbacks. Thinking too much.
But that would be a wonderful gift. We spend something like a 1/3 of our life in bed. Might as well make it some quality time.
===============
Ok, Back To Our Regular Programs on the Why A's Suck Channel.
. . . . that some guys are total [insert your word of choice]
Just for one guy's perspective -- I would think that was a WONDERFUL gift.
I might use it all wrong, and want her all nekkid along with me, and start at one edge of the bed and roll over and over, with us rolled up like a big burrito, and sleep all twisted and tangled together like that all night long, but that sounds GREAT to me.
I guess if you had to go to the bathroom or something in the middle of the night it could have its drawbacks. Thinking too much.
But that would be a wonderful gift. We spend something like a 1/3 of our life in bed. Might as well make it some quality time.
===============
Ok, Back To Our Regular Programs on the Why A's Suck Channel.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
See about that gift-giving issue (and generally trying to do nice things for our husbands that they simply do not appreciate), I want to buy my AH a guitar and surprise him (and I know that you should always pick your own instrument, but he is a lefty & he is incredibly difficult when it comes to buying anything - but alcohol, of course. And I found one for left-handed peeps that got excellent reviews.), but now I am just imagining his possible criticism and me walking on eggshells, and then I imagine how my heart is shrinking and becoming extremely heavy. I bet he even wouldn't wanna play it. But maybe I get it anyway, and just see if I am wrong.
And I love your plan. Simple but effective.
And I love your plan. Simple but effective.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
