In a very dark place
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: durban, south africa
Posts: 14
Im glad I found this post as this is exactly the way I have been feeling and Ive beaten myself up about this over and over. Infact, he always seems to come up smelling like roses and im the crazy one even though he started the argument or "pushed my buttons very quietly" as everyone seems to refer to it as. I have done so much reading and learning about the disease but I keep falling into his trap of blame and feeling bad about myself. Its horrible as he left me for someone else and I just keep thinking to myself that is there something wrong with me? She seems to put up with it?? Maybe because she dosent live with him?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Fml, i think you are moving forward at a pretty good clip and I give you a good prognosis. You are going to feel better!
My stbxah was very secretive and passive-aggressive. He would trap me in a literal corner and say the craziest, most hurtful things imaginable. It got lots worse towards the end.
A few times, I reached out and lightly hit the top of his head to get him to back off. I couldn't get away! Or I would get away after mych effort and he would chase me and I'd grab a phone and call for help. Or I would say awful things back at him.
At the end it was how much I hated him. How I couldn't wait to divorce him. How disgusting a person I felt he was. The most horrible person I had ever known.
All true. He is in fact the most vile creature I have ever known or even heard about in my regular life ( media and insane criminals excluded). I didn't know until the separation how horrific his behavior would be, once he saw I wasn't letting him back in my life. And his family has been horrific, too!
I hate how I acted with him. Worse, the children saw it all. He would often even call out to them to tell them if I threw something or slammed a door. He even told them I was doing things, like hitting him, that I wasn't.
Now, my 13 year old blames me for 'provoking him'. This is what he has used to explain things to her, and right now she'd prefer to blame me for our situation than blame him.
It is great that you are getting out now, before things get any worse.
Prepare yourself for lots of emotion, sadness, pain through your divorce, if you keep on this path. But you will find you get yourself, and a life of peace in the end. It's so, so worth it!
Courage! And good work!
My stbxah was very secretive and passive-aggressive. He would trap me in a literal corner and say the craziest, most hurtful things imaginable. It got lots worse towards the end.
A few times, I reached out and lightly hit the top of his head to get him to back off. I couldn't get away! Or I would get away after mych effort and he would chase me and I'd grab a phone and call for help. Or I would say awful things back at him.
At the end it was how much I hated him. How I couldn't wait to divorce him. How disgusting a person I felt he was. The most horrible person I had ever known.
All true. He is in fact the most vile creature I have ever known or even heard about in my regular life ( media and insane criminals excluded). I didn't know until the separation how horrific his behavior would be, once he saw I wasn't letting him back in my life. And his family has been horrific, too!
I hate how I acted with him. Worse, the children saw it all. He would often even call out to them to tell them if I threw something or slammed a door. He even told them I was doing things, like hitting him, that I wasn't.
Now, my 13 year old blames me for 'provoking him'. This is what he has used to explain things to her, and right now she'd prefer to blame me for our situation than blame him.
It is great that you are getting out now, before things get any worse.
Prepare yourself for lots of emotion, sadness, pain through your divorce, if you keep on this path. But you will find you get yourself, and a life of peace in the end. It's so, so worth it!
Courage! And good work!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 27
I haven't posted for a while as things here have been enormously difficult, but I just wanted to say I completely understand what you are saying. It is very easy to blame oneself for the alcoholics difficulties and problems especially when they keep telling you it's your fault.
It has taken a major event in my life to realise that actually I didn't cause the problem and can't cure the problem (I've read this numerous times in the help literature but never quite understood it).
I now know now what it means and have been taking steps (separation/divorce) to ensure that I can go on with my life and that my time and attention is directed to where it is needed and WANTED.
My daughter grew up with an AF and now won't have any contact with him - blames me for making the important years in her life so difficult, still desperately trying to rebuild that as she gets married this year and would like to be involved.
Please consider that despite the raging would you be the person you are today if you weren't with an alcoholic, would you have said/ done the things you have done if you weren't married to an alcoholic - I know I wouldn't have done.
Please remember drinking is his decision, he is an adult and nobody has the right to make decisions for him but you can make decisions for YOU and your daughter.
I really wish you the best with whatever you decide, your story struck a chord as it seems so similar to mine - I just focused on the wrong thing and left everything else behind.
It has taken a major event in my life to realise that actually I didn't cause the problem and can't cure the problem (I've read this numerous times in the help literature but never quite understood it).
I now know now what it means and have been taking steps (separation/divorce) to ensure that I can go on with my life and that my time and attention is directed to where it is needed and WANTED.
My daughter grew up with an AF and now won't have any contact with him - blames me for making the important years in her life so difficult, still desperately trying to rebuild that as she gets married this year and would like to be involved.
Please consider that despite the raging would you be the person you are today if you weren't with an alcoholic, would you have said/ done the things you have done if you weren't married to an alcoholic - I know I wouldn't have done.
Please remember drinking is his decision, he is an adult and nobody has the right to make decisions for him but you can make decisions for YOU and your daughter.
I really wish you the best with whatever you decide, your story struck a chord as it seems so similar to mine - I just focused on the wrong thing and left everything else behind.
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