Losingyou

Hi, I am a "newbie" on here... I am trying to come to terms with the fact that my husband, of only 3 months, is an alcoholic. I always knew he had been a heavy drinker, but 3 dates into out relationship, he became critically ill, so had not had a drink for 16 months. Following a life saving procedure in Feb, he started having the odd drink, but nothing that caused me concern...6 months on & he's constantly drunk for weeks at a time, drinking all day & all night, empty bottles hidden. I am at a complete loss, it's a side of him I never knew existed! He's not violent but he is verbally threatening, nasty, angry, argumentative. He won't even consider counselling, says he'll deal with "things" his way...& I have no concept of what goes on in his head. I've pleaded, begged...I can't reach him...

Flicka57

Losingyou:
Same thing but longer time for me--married 15 years & first 4 we lived separately so I did not see it just like you.
Change your attitude or change your address. You're lucky you found out early. Set your boundaries and tell him you have the right to have a home with no alcohol and he can stop & get into recovery or you're leaving. Please don't wait 15 years like I did. Set your boundary now and carry it through. Begging & pleading will not work. So tell him you refuse to accept and now work on YOU. Get ready if you must to remove yourself from this relationship. It will be hard but after the adjustment--it will be so GOOD!

Losingyou

Everything you say makes sense...but I live with my daughter, in a housing association property, he moved in with me. He's been out of work, due to ill health & is due to start a new job on Wednesday 28th, he has nowhere to go, no family in this country & no friends in this area! If I force him to leave, I feel like i'm setting him up for failure? He'll sleep rough, won't start the job! & I stupidly I can't just turn off the love I have for him...1 years must have been a living hell for you..

honeypig

Losingyou, your AH is an adult. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions. If he chooses to stay drunk "for weeks at a time" and is nasty, abusive and so on, then guess what? He gets to live somewere else. If he doesn't make it to his new job or has other issues, well, then, that is HIS problem. He's the one who is doing the drinking.

You mention your daughter lives w/you. Is there some good reason SHE should have to live w/an abusive, nasty drunk? Is there some good reason YOU should have to?

I would strongly recommend Alanon for you, the sooner the better. Also there is this here at SR: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Please, if you can, take the time to read thru the stickied threads at the top of the page (that's where the link above came from). You need to educate yourself about alcoholism; without knowing what it is and what it does, you'll just be beating your head against the wall. Arm yourself w/knowledge and support and you'll start to see the path in front of you.

Losingyou

Thank you..I will, I have a local counselling meeting booked, for myself on Thursday...this all so alien to me, I haven't slept or eaten in days...& you're right I'm completely naive as to what i'm dealing with...

Hammer

Follow the path. You will be okay. Promise.

honeypig

Well, it's not like any of us have any reason to know about this stuff until suddenly we find ourselves in the middle of it...and I think we're all blindsided to some extent, so you are NOT alone!

Counseling is likely good, but I would still recommend Alanon--it's free, you can likely find a meeting RIGHT NOW if you want rather than wait till Thursday, and it is made up of folks who have been exactly in your shoes and are glad to share their experience and strength. I can't express to you the immense feeling of relief and acceptance I got at my first meeting; it was exactly what I needed at the time.

Whatever you do, I hope it's helpful for you. Please do your best to take care of yourself regarding sleep and food; things look so much worse when you're exhausted and your energy is low.

Losingyou

Googling Alanon, as we speak...Thank you!
The "10 Ways Family Members Can Help" is an eye opener...I've messed up big time, I've done all the "Dont's" & None of the "Do's"
Thanks again...

Hammer

Hey, gotta start somewhere, huh?

I recently re-typed the list for our Alanon meeting books. My daughter was looking over my shoulder. She said -- "Good News and Bad News, Dad." "You do everything on the DO list. But you also do everything on the DO NOT list, too."

Sharp kid. Taking her to her Alateen meeting, tonight.