Lost
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Buffalo MN
Posts: 11
Lost
I married an alcoholic and I knew when I married him that he drinks way too much! 8 years ago when I met him I would drink with him 4 out of seven days a week. I knew it was wrong. It lasted about 2 years before I could not do it anymore. I just stopped drinking! Don't get me wrong, I drink on occasion (maybe 1 time a month, if that).
I am reaching out because I feel like I am dying inside. I am angry all of the time! They most disturbing part of this is that I actually work at an IRTS. All of the things that I know from work go completely out the window when I come home. My husband lies every day to me about the drinking. He will walk in the door and walk over to me and try to kiss me, and say "see honey I am sober!" He completely stinks of booze! Not beer, it is straight up booze. He does not understand that I can smell it from a mile away. I am not sure what hurts more, the fact that he deliberately lies to my face without thinking twice or the fact that he obviously drove home trashed!! I have tried to talk to him about drinking and driving and he says he acts like he cares. He acts like he is concerned! Not to mention the fact that he wears his drinking on his sleeve. He slurs his words and stumbles all over the place, bumps into walls and he has broken not 1 BUT 2 toilet bowls from falling. I seriously could go on and on.... Fact of the matter is, I am at my wits end. I am tired of being angry all of the time. I am blaming him for my unhappiness. I know, that's not how I should be dealing with this, I am just.... LOST!
I am reaching out because I feel like I am dying inside. I am angry all of the time! They most disturbing part of this is that I actually work at an IRTS. All of the things that I know from work go completely out the window when I come home. My husband lies every day to me about the drinking. He will walk in the door and walk over to me and try to kiss me, and say "see honey I am sober!" He completely stinks of booze! Not beer, it is straight up booze. He does not understand that I can smell it from a mile away. I am not sure what hurts more, the fact that he deliberately lies to my face without thinking twice or the fact that he obviously drove home trashed!! I have tried to talk to him about drinking and driving and he says he acts like he cares. He acts like he is concerned! Not to mention the fact that he wears his drinking on his sleeve. He slurs his words and stumbles all over the place, bumps into walls and he has broken not 1 BUT 2 toilet bowls from falling. I seriously could go on and on.... Fact of the matter is, I am at my wits end. I am tired of being angry all of the time. I am blaming him for my unhappiness. I know, that's not how I should be dealing with this, I am just.... LOST!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
I have been married TWENTY years, and I wish I left after eight. I am looking for a job and planning to leave. You could be living a great life TODAY. Join a book club, a hiking club, a knitting club, a skiing club. Just get focused on you.
Best of luck. Please don't stay 20 years.
Best of luck. Please don't stay 20 years.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
Yup, me too. I think living with an alcoholic drains anyone's confidence. Could you focus on your job and pick up a few hobbies? My AH reaks of alcohol right now. He never came home tonight until aft midnight (no phone call). The kids and I are abandoned repeatedly! It really stinks...so painful. So I know where you are coming from.
I'm hoping to find a job soon.
I'm hoping to find a job soon.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Marfajo, I have found that when I should be doing something but can't bring myself to do it--it helps to make a list of what my fears are. First, admit the fear to yourself (the hardest part). Most people stay way too long with the active alcoholism due to the FOG.
F--fear 0--obligation G--guilt.
What is an IRTS?
dandylion
F--fear 0--obligation G--guilt.
What is an IRTS?
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Buffalo MN
Posts: 11
An IRTS is Intensive Residential Treatment Services. Right now I am living hour by hour. My goal is not to get angry. I get very angry at the drop of a hat! I already know he WILL be drunk at some point during the day. They question is what time? I don't know why I still confront him about drinking. I do confront him everyday. 3 times I asked for a separation. I was serious, but he sweet talks me every time. He says how much he loves me and that he will get help. He tell me he will go to counseling with me. LIES all lies... Broken promises! I often wonder how could he be so cruel? All things that get me angry. I see RED and sometimes do not know what comes out of my mouth until it is too late.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
your anger should not be ignored or squelched...harness it and let it propel you forward. you guys are in a standoff and nothing changes if nothing changes. he's shown you quite clearly over the years who he is and what he is about....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Do you go to Al-Anon? I suggest minimum 2 meetings a week.
He drinks because he is an alcoholic.
And you stay there in anger and resentment and depression because you are a codependent.
If you get serious about helping yourself, things will start move.
He drinks because he is an alcoholic.
And you stay there in anger and resentment and depression because you are a codependent.
If you get serious about helping yourself, things will start move.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Marfayjo, to expand on what Englishgarden posted---Like most all of us, you probably cling to the belief that you can control his behavior and drinking---when it doesn't work--naturally, we become angry (as a result of the fear, most likely).
He is an alcoholic--he has a powerful urge to drink that feels like life and death inside his brain. He is not drinking to hurt you or make you angry--he drinks to quiet the compulsion. That is what alcoholics do. That is why it is a disease. He cannot keep the promises he makes--even if he may mean them at the time---when the compulsion hits---he can't think of anything else.
Stuffing your anger is not healthy for you---and it doesn't work (as you can see).
Since you have no control over his drinking (neither does HE--until he decides for himself that he wants sobriety), you might as well focus on those things that you can control--You and the boundaries for how you want to live your life.
Alanon is designed for those of us who find ourselves in this kind of delimma. Living with active alcoholism is very damaging to anyone---and we need to heal from the effects. The disease causes the alcoholic to suffer--and all of us who love them to suffer.
As AnvilHead said--nothing changes if nothing changes. Since he isn't--looks like you might need to be the agent of change!
dandylion
He is an alcoholic--he has a powerful urge to drink that feels like life and death inside his brain. He is not drinking to hurt you or make you angry--he drinks to quiet the compulsion. That is what alcoholics do. That is why it is a disease. He cannot keep the promises he makes--even if he may mean them at the time---when the compulsion hits---he can't think of anything else.
Stuffing your anger is not healthy for you---and it doesn't work (as you can see).
Since you have no control over his drinking (neither does HE--until he decides for himself that he wants sobriety), you might as well focus on those things that you can control--You and the boundaries for how you want to live your life.
Alanon is designed for those of us who find ourselves in this kind of delimma. Living with active alcoholism is very damaging to anyone---and we need to heal from the effects. The disease causes the alcoholic to suffer--and all of us who love them to suffer.
As AnvilHead said--nothing changes if nothing changes. Since he isn't--looks like you might need to be the agent of change!
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Marfayjp--For the immediate moments---using detachment techniques can go a long way to reduce the chaotic arguments and useless emotional energy spent by arguing and fighting.
Are you familiar with detachment tools?
Also, out of curiosity---is your treatment center for addictions?
dandylion
Are you familiar with detachment tools?
Also, out of curiosity---is your treatment center for addictions?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 7
Marfajo...
I am new to this site but have been searching for answers & people in the same situations to see what they may have done or tried. You sound VERY much like me. I get the same lies & promises to my face all the time. The sweet talks ect. I have so much anger built up inside me. I blame my AB for my unhappiness & then he blames me that I am the reason he drinks. The fact that I cant change him frustrates me. I have tried Al-Anon but it wasn't right for me. He has been in it several times too and it never worked for him either
Like you I know what needs to be done, but finding the courage to leave is harder then it seems. I love my house that he just now closed on. He said he bought it for me & the kids but yet tonight he told me to get out if I didnt like it. The power has now shifted as we used to rent & I was the renter. We were supposed to take a family trip but alcohol got in the way so I took the kids & left. When I came back I saw 2 cases of empty bottled beer, 1 12pk of cans and a few 16oz cans in with the pop cans. I too am at my wits end. What makes an alcoholic choose over his family or the people they are supposed to love. I am tired of the beer winning.
I feel your anger and I wished I could be of more help. I'd give you a hug and say everything is going to be okay but that I cant promise. I can promise that I will be here to listen & share what ever my thoughts are. My thoughts & prayers are with you girl.
I am new to this site but have been searching for answers & people in the same situations to see what they may have done or tried. You sound VERY much like me. I get the same lies & promises to my face all the time. The sweet talks ect. I have so much anger built up inside me. I blame my AB for my unhappiness & then he blames me that I am the reason he drinks. The fact that I cant change him frustrates me. I have tried Al-Anon but it wasn't right for me. He has been in it several times too and it never worked for him either
Like you I know what needs to be done, but finding the courage to leave is harder then it seems. I love my house that he just now closed on. He said he bought it for me & the kids but yet tonight he told me to get out if I didnt like it. The power has now shifted as we used to rent & I was the renter. We were supposed to take a family trip but alcohol got in the way so I took the kids & left. When I came back I saw 2 cases of empty bottled beer, 1 12pk of cans and a few 16oz cans in with the pop cans. I too am at my wits end. What makes an alcoholic choose over his family or the people they are supposed to love. I am tired of the beer winning.
I feel your anger and I wished I could be of more help. I'd give you a hug and say everything is going to be okay but that I cant promise. I can promise that I will be here to listen & share what ever my thoughts are. My thoughts & prayers are with you girl.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
The hardest lesson I had to learn was that alcoholism was like cancer. You would not wish it on your best friend, nor could a miracle come that could make you stop.
The person you love has cancer of alcohol. Not a perfect diagnosis but close. Their bodies crave this (and in many are predetermined to need it).
They don't say things that make sense. And they accuse you of doing the exact things they are doing. You, in their mind caused this. Much easier to blame someone else than themselves.
In my case, I didn't want to rock the boat. Because I knew what would happen. And my XAH was 26 years sober and in the mental health field. Doesn't matter. Alcoholics find the part in ourselves that are most vulnerable. And they attack it. All to show they are justified in their actions. They lie, cheat, steal, twist and repeat their actions. It is not their fault. It is someone else's. And those that love them the most are the target.
I say this from experience. How a gentle, compassionate person could turn into a drug crazed, alcohol addicted person that was arrested and still they did not hit bottom.
XAH has been sober for 3 months. Many would say oh that is wonderful. He is ok. But 3 months in sobriety is a drop in the bucket. He called me today and I could hear the anger in his voice. Over fleas. Then it turned into a job, and yadda yadda. I used to try and placate him. Today I was silent. 3 months is a great step....but a small one.
I have rambled on much too long, and for that I apologize. Hopefully you can find something in my post that helps you. BUT one thing I will say, for you personally...it does get better. Promise!
The person you love has cancer of alcohol. Not a perfect diagnosis but close. Their bodies crave this (and in many are predetermined to need it).
They don't say things that make sense. And they accuse you of doing the exact things they are doing. You, in their mind caused this. Much easier to blame someone else than themselves.
In my case, I didn't want to rock the boat. Because I knew what would happen. And my XAH was 26 years sober and in the mental health field. Doesn't matter. Alcoholics find the part in ourselves that are most vulnerable. And they attack it. All to show they are justified in their actions. They lie, cheat, steal, twist and repeat their actions. It is not their fault. It is someone else's. And those that love them the most are the target.
I say this from experience. How a gentle, compassionate person could turn into a drug crazed, alcohol addicted person that was arrested and still they did not hit bottom.
XAH has been sober for 3 months. Many would say oh that is wonderful. He is ok. But 3 months in sobriety is a drop in the bucket. He called me today and I could hear the anger in his voice. Over fleas. Then it turned into a job, and yadda yadda. I used to try and placate him. Today I was silent. 3 months is a great step....but a small one.
I have rambled on much too long, and for that I apologize. Hopefully you can find something in my post that helps you. BUT one thing I will say, for you personally...it does get better. Promise!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I feel a lot of anger too, and it really stinks. Not a lot of quality time with AH anymore because he's either drunk and I'm pi**ed off or he's on the couch feeling hung over. It's become a very lonely relationship for me and I imagine you too.
The anger is a tough one to deal with. For me, I need to feel what I feel. Doesn't mean I have to yell and scream, but if I'm mad I'm not going to try to pretend I'm not. What I'm trying to do though is not let it carry on so long that it festers and becomes a grudge. Grudges only give me something to obsess about, making me feel sick inside. Everyday is a new day and I try to approach it that way. I try to make an effort to be happy as he can only get me down if I let him. (Some days easier said then done!)
Like others have said, it helps to make time for yourself. Spend time with friends, try a new hobby, or pick up an old one. Anything that keeps you focused on you and gives you pleasure.
The anger is a tough one to deal with. For me, I need to feel what I feel. Doesn't mean I have to yell and scream, but if I'm mad I'm not going to try to pretend I'm not. What I'm trying to do though is not let it carry on so long that it festers and becomes a grudge. Grudges only give me something to obsess about, making me feel sick inside. Everyday is a new day and I try to approach it that way. I try to make an effort to be happy as he can only get me down if I let him. (Some days easier said then done!)
Like others have said, it helps to make time for yourself. Spend time with friends, try a new hobby, or pick up an old one. Anything that keeps you focused on you and gives you pleasure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Buffalo MN
Posts: 11
Dandylion-
Yes, the facility I work for is for addiction as a diagnosis.. Such as.. "Alcohol Dependence" which usually does go hand and hand with a more mental health based diagnosis such as Bi-Polar or Schizoaffective D\O
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Buffalo MN
Posts: 11
Absolutely every thing you said sounds just like me! As much as I am supposed to know the answer to my constant question of " Why did he choose booze over me'? He says he loves me. He says he chooses me... But he does not choose me at all. I hear what is most frequently said to me, he is not thinking of me when he "has to" drink to ease his pain. What about the promise he made to me when he married me? I am sticking to my end of the bargain, but he is not! What about my pain? Leaving him sounds so easy and yet I am still here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Buffalo MN
Posts: 11
Relief
The worst part of this chaos is that I feel like I have lost all of my friends. I know the true friends are there somewhere (so they say). When I really need someone I am alone. It is just me. I will say that since my first post that I feel a bit of relief.. Someone out there understands me... my anger.. frustration.. sadness and loneliness. For once in the last 8 yrs I feel heard.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
The isolation from our normal support is the worst part of this disease. Friends and Family can have the best of intentions, but no one can truly understand it if they're not in our shoes. That is what is SOOO great about AlAnon meetings. Everyone there GETS IT. Our stories may all be a little different, but they're all the same in the end. I would encourage you to find a meeting near you and walk through that door. You will find amazing support/strength/experience/hope.
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