What is this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
What is this?
Not sure if I should even post about this, but it is bugging me and I can’t figure out what it is all about.
My RH (6 months) has always done this or variations of this. Sober or drinking. It is driving me absolutely crazy. Easiest way to explain it is to give examples – these are actual things that have happened. Some minor, some not so much, and some just plain crazy (imo).
Last Friday night I went to a store that was having a sale on tennis shoes. The only pair of tennis shoes I owned were about 8 years old and I had been wearing them at the place I volunteer at (outside and around mud/horses). I needed a new pair as I want to start walking for exercise and in general just needed a new pair (figure I had got my money’s worth out of the old pair). Got home and suddenly H needs new shoes – when the very next day to the exact store I went to and bought a pair.
H is an auto mechanic and is supposed to be taking care of the vehicles. Well back at the first of this year he would not do any repairs to “my” vehicles. – a little back ground - I drive a small truck that has 246,000 miles on it. I have owned it for over 20 years (1991) and it runs great but needed a couple of things done to it and also I primarily use it to drive back and forth to work (24 miles round trip). The other truck is a gas guzzler and was also having transmission issues (but I don’t generally drive it). I have an aunt who is battling cancer and lives about 4 hours away and needed a more reliable vehicle to make the drive. I found one (reliable used) and bought it. I had to use some inheritance money (vs. joint monies) because there wasn’t enough in the accounts to purchase outright. Anyway, he is, for lack of a better description, jealous of my car. – He has owned at least 10 cars in our 17 years of marriage. I owned my little truck before we were married. The car he is currently driving we bought (out of the joint monies) last year. It is not new, but it is new to him and is a nice vehicle.
A few weeks ago I had gone to the grocery store and I bought myself a PINT of ice cream and I hid it from him. If I don’t he will eat it (even though he has several ½ gallons of his “own” kind. When I pulled it out of the freezer to have a couple of bites the other night he literally grilled me on where it came from, what kind it was, when did I buy it, etc.
Last night I wasn’t feeling great. Had a sore throat and thought maybe I was running a fever. It was almost like I was coming down with a head cold or sinus infection. I mentioned the sore throat and now, today he is “OMG – I am sick. I have to go to the Doctor”
H doesn't really lack for anything. We are not rich, but I budget and save and generally if he needs/wants something we can afford it (within reason).
I could go on and on. It is driving me absolutely crazy. What is this? Why does he do this?
My RH (6 months) has always done this or variations of this. Sober or drinking. It is driving me absolutely crazy. Easiest way to explain it is to give examples – these are actual things that have happened. Some minor, some not so much, and some just plain crazy (imo).
Last Friday night I went to a store that was having a sale on tennis shoes. The only pair of tennis shoes I owned were about 8 years old and I had been wearing them at the place I volunteer at (outside and around mud/horses). I needed a new pair as I want to start walking for exercise and in general just needed a new pair (figure I had got my money’s worth out of the old pair). Got home and suddenly H needs new shoes – when the very next day to the exact store I went to and bought a pair.
H is an auto mechanic and is supposed to be taking care of the vehicles. Well back at the first of this year he would not do any repairs to “my” vehicles. – a little back ground - I drive a small truck that has 246,000 miles on it. I have owned it for over 20 years (1991) and it runs great but needed a couple of things done to it and also I primarily use it to drive back and forth to work (24 miles round trip). The other truck is a gas guzzler and was also having transmission issues (but I don’t generally drive it). I have an aunt who is battling cancer and lives about 4 hours away and needed a more reliable vehicle to make the drive. I found one (reliable used) and bought it. I had to use some inheritance money (vs. joint monies) because there wasn’t enough in the accounts to purchase outright. Anyway, he is, for lack of a better description, jealous of my car. – He has owned at least 10 cars in our 17 years of marriage. I owned my little truck before we were married. The car he is currently driving we bought (out of the joint monies) last year. It is not new, but it is new to him and is a nice vehicle.
A few weeks ago I had gone to the grocery store and I bought myself a PINT of ice cream and I hid it from him. If I don’t he will eat it (even though he has several ½ gallons of his “own” kind. When I pulled it out of the freezer to have a couple of bites the other night he literally grilled me on where it came from, what kind it was, when did I buy it, etc.
Last night I wasn’t feeling great. Had a sore throat and thought maybe I was running a fever. It was almost like I was coming down with a head cold or sinus infection. I mentioned the sore throat and now, today he is “OMG – I am sick. I have to go to the Doctor”
H doesn't really lack for anything. We are not rich, but I budget and save and generally if he needs/wants something we can afford it (within reason).
I could go on and on. It is driving me absolutely crazy. What is this? Why does he do this?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Because he's an individual who is stunted in his emotional growth. And I believe that is pretty common in actively drinking alcoholics.
If you think about it, he behaves like a younger sibling who wants everything their older sibling does. And it's all about him. I recognize some of it -- like the getting terribly sick if I was feeling under the weather. If I got the flu, I swear he got the ebola virus...
If you think about it, he behaves like a younger sibling who wants everything their older sibling does. And it's all about him. I recognize some of it -- like the getting terribly sick if I was feeling under the weather. If I got the flu, I swear he got the ebola virus...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
This was a constant annoyance in my relationship with my STBXAH. If I expressed he didn't feel well, he'd say something to the effect of, "Well, I feel worse than you do," and list a bunch of symptoms. This happened constantly. Bad day? His was worse. Car troubles? His were worse. It was like the "who has it worst" olympics.
The one that always drove me crazy was when I would tell him about a new book or TV show or album I was interested in, he would pooh-pooh it, then three months down the road tell me about this AMAZING new book/show/album he "discovered" and sell me on the merits of the thing he'd put down to my face before.
Basically whenever I wanted to share anything about my life, I was shut down with commentary about his. It's exhausting.
The one that always drove me crazy was when I would tell him about a new book or TV show or album I was interested in, he would pooh-pooh it, then three months down the road tell me about this AMAZING new book/show/album he "discovered" and sell me on the merits of the thing he'd put down to my face before.
Basically whenever I wanted to share anything about my life, I was shut down with commentary about his. It's exhausting.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
In my letter to my AM (a therapy assignment, it was never meant to be mailed), I raged on her for always having to one-up everyone else in the family. She was the only one allowed to ever be sick. Of one of us got sick, she got it five times worse and made sure to tell us how awful it was. She is jealous to the point of being plain hateful of anyone who has the tiniest bit of happiness in their life. I think it's just an attribute of some As. It is so frustrating, but I'm glad I don't have to deal with it anymore. I went No Contact with her over a year ago.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
My impression is that it is emotional immaturity layered over very low self-esteem. I wonder if he may have unresolved rivalry issues from his younger years?
Whatever the reason, I can see how this is maddening to you--especially, if you had envisioned a relationship between mature adults--equity in a relationship.
Early recovery is chock-full of surprises. He is who he is. Can you accept him as he is--or do you find this unacceptable. Decisions for you to make as you work on your o wn recovery from this terrible disease.
It may be possible for him to mature in the next couple of years--if he is working a strong recovery program (12 steps). There are n o gurantees, though. Your growth remains the most important thing for you.
dandylion
dandylion
Whatever the reason, I can see how this is maddening to you--especially, if you had envisioned a relationship between mature adults--equity in a relationship.
Early recovery is chock-full of surprises. He is who he is. Can you accept him as he is--or do you find this unacceptable. Decisions for you to make as you work on your o wn recovery from this terrible disease.
It may be possible for him to mature in the next couple of years--if he is working a strong recovery program (12 steps). There are n o gurantees, though. Your growth remains the most important thing for you.
dandylion
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Ugg - that's the WORST! If it's any consolation, I was with a man for 2 years that was EXACTLY like that, and he wasn't an alcoholic. This might not be something that ever goes away with sobriety - I with I had some words of wisdom for dealing with that crap! Hang in there!
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
Nice to know I'm not alone. I have tried to stop having a whinge about my day/health/whatever because he either has it worse than me, or starts trying to "fix" things.
I always said if I complained of period pains, he would still have them worse than me
I always said if I complained of period pains, he would still have them worse than me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
I have pretty much shut down talking about my aches and pains, work issue, emotional termoils or even "great" days or accomplishments with h. The tangible items is something new/recent. H has always taken credit for things I have done.
.... shaking head and rolling eyes.
.... shaking head and rolling eyes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
I just had a thought - maybe this is why I have such a hard time posting/sharing here and with my counselor or with anyone for that matter. I start to post or reply and then I just delete it.
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