Bluebird19

Hi
I've been lurking here and have found all your posts so helpful.

All my life, my mum has been an alcoholic.
There have been many dreadful, drink fuelled events throughout my life and I've continued to make excuses for her addiction, accepting her manipulation, believing the bs that spouts so freely from her lips.
There's been countless let downs, violence, abandonment, lies, financial loss, ruined family events etc through her alcoholism.

I have spent my life blaming myself- inner dialogue sounding a bit like 'if i were more lovable/branier/more successful/nicer/more fun, then she maybe wouldn't drink...'. ive often wondered why am i not enough? however, after some refletion, im past this. i didn't cause her to become an alcoholic and i know that now, but these thoughts have damaged me and i need to sort that out. I can't fix her, I need to fix me.

i now have two cracking wee boys of my own. Naively, I thought that by giving mum lots of positive times with them, involving her in my life with them etc might be enough to make her want to recover. I thought she would want to live a fulfilled life, that she would want to experience the joy children bring- she missed out on that, her own choice ultimately.

However, it isn't enough. And she has now started letting my boys down and disappointing them. And that breaks my heart. I don't want this for my children.

I have started to grasp that I cannot make her want to recover.

I decided, for self preservation, and for my family, that whilst she is in the grips of her addiction, I want some space and to not have to deal with her alcoholism. I am aware this may be a forever situ. But the recent bout of lies/let downs/disappointment, has made me realise how this is impacting negatively on me, my marriage, my children and I am re prioritising. I no longer wish to bear the responsibilities and burdens of her addiction.

I have been criticised by some family members/mother inlaw/some friends for wishing to take a step bak from the chaos she brings. They are saying "she's your mum, you can't cut her out/you need to give her help/you need to support her/you are being selfish..."etc.

I don't feel that I am doubting myself, I suppose I just feel quite sad and that I am lacking in support.

Hubby tries to understand, but ultimately doesn't "get it" - he still thinks that letting her have the boys will "sort her out". It won't and I don't want the boys around her whilst she has been drinking. We were going to let her take care of the boys one day a week whilst I worked, in my house- that will not work out and I have made alternative arrangements.

I don't feel this is the wrong choice, I suppose I am just trying to get my own emotions under control. I feel guilt, and feel worry that because I am stepping back she will go on a bender etc and then I will feel responsible. I know- I can't control it. I just have a journey to go myself I suppose.

So that's where I am. It just feels good to be able to express this.

B xx

Bluebird19

Ps sorry for the typos and lack of punctuation. This is a dreadful keyboard!

Hammer

truthfully . . . it was delightful.

I hear many of your voices in my head when I read the posts here . . . and . . .
I put a wee bit of an accent or dialect on most of the postins here that I be a readin . . . and ye Scots are just charmin.

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As far as your mother. Just be the good/better/best mother to your boys that she could not always be for you.

Doing good and being good are the best revenge and reward.

pravchaw

Hi Bluebird,
Welcome to the forum. You are taking the right steps.
You cannot change your Mother. Change must come from within her. You have to put boundaries for your protection and for the protection of the children. One of the boundaries could be that she cannot see her grandchildren if she is drinking. (could she endanger them?). BTW, my son (21yo) has problems with mj & alcohol. I had to ask his to leave home as his addiction was making our lives miserable. You should also think of getting counselling from a family therapist and/or attend self help meetings like Al-Anon.

SparkleKitty

We have a great deal in common, thank you so much for sharing.

Sometimes we find our friends and family have a great deal more invested in the status quo of our lives than we think. When we change, and make discoveries that help us move in a healthier direction, we often meet resistance and lack of support. It is very difficult to accept that others aren't who we'd like them to be -- as it is with your mother, so it may be with other family members. The best we can do is love and accept everyone for who they are right now, however limited their ability to support us is.

You have a great community of support here, however, and I hope you stick around and take advantage of it!

Flicka57

Bluebird19:
So proud of you--you are spreading your wings! You have every right to have your children under the care of someone you trust while you are at work. You have every reason to stop supporting and caring for her--tell others that the minute she tells you she wants to recovery and wants help & treatment you will be the first one to jump up and help her but nothing more can come of it unless she wants to recover. You are doing the best for your family not to continue in the same path & protecting your marriage & children--You are doing the right thing!

Bluebird19

Thank you for your replies, it is good to know I am not on my own.
I think I'm going to head to al anon on thurs night. I need to do that for me.

And yep, I prob do have a wee accent going on! I stay in sunny Aberdeenshire, and feel very lucky to do so. I have great neighbours, great views and much to be thankful for. I need to start appreciating all that and stop allowing the actions of other people stopping me enjoy the good stuff.
B xx

Bluebird19

Yes I will help should she ever decide to get the help she deserves and needs.
Last year, after a situation where she arrived drunk to meet me and my toddler in the middle of the day, I had a calm convo with her afterwards, stated that hubby and I couldn't have this for our kids etc.
she was "very sorry" and "ashamed". I bought her 6months of counselling.
I picked her up, dropped her off and collected her.
She would tell me how much she had discovered, that recovery was her priority, that she was so lucky and thankful to be getting this opportunity etcetc.
As it happened, she went going to the counselling at all.
She was in the pub, then toddling back around to the counselling office in time for me to pick her up.
I allowed this. I taught her, that my words were just words, that really they don't matter.
I'm not doing that this time.
I'm feeling stronger today.

I can't thank you enough for your responses, it is a great support to me
B xx

pravchaw

Same thing happened with my son last year. I "forced" him to go to rehab. Not a good idea. He had a month's vacation and got back to his previous lifestyle. Unless he wants to change, nothing changes. He cannot live with us when he is smoking pot or drinking. If he wants to give up, we will support him. He has decided to live on his own, drop out of university and work in menial jobs to support himself and his habit. That is his choice.

If your mum is serious, she can always go to AA and its free.