healthyagain

What I am going to describe now has happened many, many times before. I am apparently doing something wrong. So, I would like to get a piece of advice. Maybe someone has experienced the same.

So, last weekend, AH and I had a pretty big fight. He was drinking in the morning and I caught him lying. He said he had poured his beer out, and I saw it disappearing slowly. I actually wrote about the whole episode last weekend.

Now, this weekend, he has been moody. I mean since Friday afternoon. He did not drink in the morning (sleeping till noon), but he spent time alone, isolated in the bedroom. The silence is almost unbearable (loneliness as well). As I said, this happened before. This is the moment when I usually try to establish a contact. But I do not think I should do it this time. AH did not buy as much as alcohol as he usually does, and now the atmosphere in the house is as if someone died.

Do you think that this silence is a part of manipulation? Am I being punished for what happened a week before? I'm tired of these games.

NYCDoglvr

It sounds like a fairly common relationship with an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a progressive disease so I hope you don't expect things to improve while he continues to drink. Alanon is incredible support..........

healthyagain

Nah, I do not expect things to improve at all. It is kinda pathetic all this "love" he says he feels for me. Instead of a usual Sunday 12-pack, he only has a 6-pack, and that love goes "puff" in the air. And he does not even accept that this is a disease.

dandylion

healthy, he is not drinking "at" you or drinking to hurt you. He is doing what an active alcoholic does in the throes of their disease. He is "lying" to protect his ability to drink. It is like life and death to him.

It is cruel to him and to yourself to extract a promise from someone who does not have the ability to keep the promise--even if they want to at the time.

Anyone and anything that comes between the alcoholic and the ability to drink is viewed as the enemy.

Until he decides that he wants sobriety for himself, this is all pretty much par for the course.

He is going to do what he is going to do. What are you going to do is the question.

dandylion

healthyagain

I admit that it is really hard for me to comprehend the physical urge he has. I do not like to drink. It makes me sleepy and some drinks make me really, really sick. So, you are right, dandylion.

And, yes, I can see the "enemy" part.

So, what I'm gonna do? Start thinking of an exit strategy, I guess. I do not know what else I can do to save us.

skippernlilg

One step at a time, dear one. Try al-anon. Great source of strength for you while you make your next best step.

healthyagain

I was thinking about joining al-anon, but I just do not think I am ready. It was really hard for me to even accept the very idea that I am married to an alcoholic, who is a good person deep inside, but who is still an alcoholic. I have been ignoring the problem for years. And although I knew that alcoholism was a disease, I never really saw him as an ill person. To me, he has been a stubborn a-hole. So, I should probably work on my own attitude as well.

Anyway, the weekend is over and we will see what tomorrow brings.

Recovering2

You are ready for AlAnon. There have been people come to my meeting, not even sure if the person in question is really an alcoholic. But they had been living with the problems long enough to try anything for help. So if you see these behaviors, along with the drinking, AlAnon is the place for you.

Find a meeting near you, and go. It's scary to walk in the first time, but make yourself do it. You'll be glad you did. No one will ask you to speak, you can just get a feel for what happens there. You need the support that is found in those rooms, there is no place like it.