LovesVWs

My husband is in Residential Rehab and his facility has an inpatient program for family members to be involved in for 6 nights. The program basically covers limit setting, enabling etc - basically everything we talk about in Al-Anon.

I have been invited to join the program for next week, but I do not know if I should bother going or not. The cost of the program is covered in the (considerable) rehab fees we have already paid. I would have to shell out for airfare, cover a bunch of shifts at the hospital and lose my wages for a week, and somehow find someone (or juggle a few people) who can take the kids for 6 full days (they are small, and busy little humans and it is a lot to ask of most of my single friends). Plus I would be flying into one of the prettiest places in Canada, and not have a single second to actually enjoy it. I would fly out of here an hour after getting off a night shift at work, and fly back 4 hours before my next shift starts to minimize the financial impact of missing work (so I lose about 30 hours pay).

I can take the class down the road if I wish, but I am not so sure if I want to leave the kids in the charge of my husband just yet.

Thoughts?

LexieCat

I don't know that it would provide you with any benefit you wouldn't get from Al-Anon. Maybe it's good for families who haven't been going, but I think you can safely skip it. In addition, from what I have heard about some family programs at some rehabs, some of the stuff is actually contrary to Al-Anon ideas--after all, the focus of the rehab is on the addict, not your well-being.

m1k3

Totally agree with Lexie. I can't see that you would get much out of it.

Actually, if you weren't working a recovery yourself, it sounds like Codie heaven. 6 days of training and official permission to run your SO's recovery. For me that would have been a hole so deep I don't know if I could ever have climbed out of it.

Your friend,

DreamsofSerenity

I'm not the right person to answer this because I don't know anything about rehab--my ex never went near one. I do know about leaving kids though, which I personally, would not do in this case.

The way I see things is that your H is the one with the problem that landed him rehab. Your responsibility is to take care of your kids and work. Yes, you need to work on your side of things pertaining to his drinking but if you can do that in Al Anon and not have to leave the kids, lose wages, and exhaust yourself in the process, that seems like the better choice to me.

Anyway, that's how I'd feel. My attitude would be, "Sorry you ended up in rehab but why do I have to screw up my life to go too?" I mean, he is the one who has to stay sober. You could go to rehab class and pass with flying colors, but he is the one in charge of whether he drinks again or not.

bigsombrero

I just got an e-mail from my mother - I was discharged from my rehab facility one year ago today. The stay in rehab ended with a "family week", where my parents (divorced long ago) and sister came and met with the counselor and also myself, in a supervised setting. I didn't want to make a big deal of things and was nervous about it. Who wants to sit with their family and discuss issues and listen to lectures together? Aaaagh!

But by golly they showed up. My father flew up to the northern US from Florida for it. My sister took time off work for it. My mom came too. And you know what? It meant the world to me. They were trying. When they showed up, it showed that they were on my team. They loved me. They were doing work, so that they could help me. They were accepting me. And if they were doing all this for me, then by God I owed it to them to give sobriety my best shot. Not just for me, but for them. I am over 1 year sober now and haven't drank. I have often said "my family saved my life". Their love for me was the one rock after I'd lost everything. They showed up for family week and didn't ditch, even though they had excuses.

I am very happy and will be forever touched that they showed up for that program.

DreamsofSerenity

Bigsombrero,

I appreciate your post but it kind of rocked my world.

When you say you "owed it to them to give sobriety a shot.", it almost sounds like you got sober for them. As codies we are told over and over that the A has to get sober for himself? Is this not true in your experience?

This is hard stuff to hear for a codie. It makes me think if I had just loved a little more, I could have saved him.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. It is helpful to hear from the other side.

bigsombrero

I didn't get sober for them, I did it for myself. I would have died if I'd continue to abuse alcohol. That was a fact. I do not want to die. It was a nice cherry on top to have my family show up as well. Added support - from people who are bound by blood to be with me, for thick and thin. Them saying "we're on board and we'll our best" was touching - but it would not have changed my resolve.

When I say "my family saved my life" it was because they cared enough to sit me down and tell me to go to treatment. They put me in there, without them I'd have continued down my path. They didn't "save my life" by showing up for family week, they just touched my heart in a very special way by doing so.

My mother lived close to the treatment center and was retired. My father flew up from Florida. My sister also lives near the treatment center, but she did take off work for a few days. Every situation is different - as you know I did not tell the OP to "go", her situation is different. I am just posting my experience. Hope all is well with you all in F&F.

m1k3

Hi Dreams and ((((hugs)))). No need to go here. You couldn't save him no matter what you did. You can't save anyone.

Just like there was no one who could save me from the hell I was in living with an alcoholic. I had to do it myself and for me.

I wish I could say more but I don't know how. You did the best you could with what you had at that time and nobody can ask for more.

Your friend,

LexieCat

Dreams, here's how it works, I think. If the alcoholic REALLY wants to get sober, having the family support is like icing on the cake. It's awesome to have, makes you feel good.

OTOH, nobody ever went back to drinking because they didn't have a cheering section. They go back to drinking because they really aren't ready to quit.

So I would push that thought about how maybe you could have "done more" to "save" him. It begins and ends with the alcoholic. Unless someone actively undermines or sabotages someone else's recovery, not having family "support" makes very little difference.

When I quit drinking, none of my family was even aware I had a drinking problem. I had no family cheering section. It was all on me.

DreamsofSerenity

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts and words..

I think two things have to happen for a extreme codie like myself to let go: they have to be so exhausted by the pain that they bottom out, and they also have to take a leap of faith and trust the recovered people on the other side that detaching is the only healthy move.

When I hear stories about brave women leaving their A's and finding better lives for themselves, it reinforces my belief in the importance of recovery. However, when I hear stories like Bigsombrero's, it creates doubt, which is really uncomfortable.

Bigsombrero, that isn't to say in anyway that you shouldn't have shared your experience. I really appreciate what you had to say and also the opportunity it brought to discuss this issue. This isn't the first time it has come up. There was another thread about suicide in which my position was you can't stop someone hell bent on suicide from carrying out the act. Another poster who had been suicidal shared her experience of how her family's love literally saved her. Her position was that you should never give up on a suicidal family member.I was also grateful to read what she had to say, but it really hurt. I keep trying to imagine what my sister would say if she could communicate from the other side. I wonder why our love wasn't enough. It is impossible to wonder if you haven't tried hard enough.

As a codie, there is a part of me that feels like by detaching, I have turned my back on all the sick people in my life. I feel very cold and selfish sometimes, but the one thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that I need to be healthy for my kids. So, in a sense, it is STILL all about other people.

I'm going all over the place with this. My apologies to the OP. And Bigsombrero, congrats on your sobriety.

LovesVWs

Lexi AND Mike, you guys summed up how I feel about this right now. I feel the expense of the trip, leaving my kids and the lost wages just don't add up to the benefit I would get there. The program there is very al-anon based but my limits and ability to live my life without his actions impacting me and the kids have already been set for a year now. I don't think I can get much more out of their teachings. I may be wrong but whatever.

I would go in a second if they could provide some therapy that was couples based each day, so I could be part of his recovery process and stress what he has done to this family (because he still doesn't get that part), however other then mealtimes I wouldn't see him anyways. Annoyingly I feel like he wants me to be there just so he can see I still exist, but I also do not want to give him that mental comfort.

My hubby knows I support him and want him better, and I have been very firm with him and non-coddling as well when he calls home. He knows that he isn't going back to his old ways and keeping anything we have built together. He drinks - it is all GONE. Hard*ss all the way right here.

Honestly the $ I would spend on airfare could be put to use around home, or to spoil myself and the kids a bit. We deserve it.

lillamy

So my five cents which will be different from what you've heard so far...?

If I was serious about keeping the marriage together, I'd go.
When my AXH was in rehab, I was offered the same thing. Our marriage was at that point beyond saving. Short of an act of God, there was no way I was ever getting back together with that guy. Ever.

His therapist gave me statistics that talked about success rates with and without family involvement. The difference was quite staggering. Success rates doubled when addicts had family support.

Now -- Al-Anon may provide you with the tools you need. But if I was dead set on saving my marriage, I'd take all the tools offered in order to do it. Including this one.

Hammer

This may seem harsh but . . . . behind the scenes of rehab . . . is rather messy place as I am seeing it second hand. May be different in Canada -- public health and all -- but in the U$ all about $ system -- not too pretty.

Dunno a polite way to say this, but some industries attract the tops in their fields, and some attract the not-so-top. Rehab seems to attract the not-so-top. Often the folks running the show have some pretty severe issues along the lines of that which they would be working on. By the time it gets out to the family and friends level -- more so.

But the families and friends are typically desperate, as we most are at this stage, and have little critical thinking at that point of the game, either way.

For the same money, you can likely buy some Top Line, very competent Local Therapy for yourself and your family so that you can discover . . . (as a Top Line, very competent Local Therapist comment to me)

"just why you have been putting up with foolishness for all these years."

That would be good for both you and the A.

dandylion

Dear Loves, every situation is scenario-dependent to a great extent. If you lived around the corner from the rehab and the hours were convenient to your other family responsibilities---sure, you might well take advantage of the invite. But, you have some hard realities to contend with---AND, you are already involved with alanon. In early recovery the alcoholic gets a lot of attention---you could use some focus on your (and the children's) needs.

I agree with Hammer on this, that you might be better served to "treat" yourself to some individual counseling for yourself---from someone WELL versed in issues of addiction.

What I have read/heard many, many times is that the marriages where each partner has his own program of recovery tend to have a better chance of surviving.

dandylion

Recovering2

So I will share my experience with Family Recovery Programs. My ABF was in a rehab facility out of state last year. There was a 5 day program for families while he was there. I was angry and didn't want to go. I would have to pay for airfare, hotel, and use a week vacation. One of the counselors convinced me to go. I will always be grateful that I listened and decided to attend.

It was MUCH more than what I learn in AlAnon. And it was NOT about the alcoholic. The counselors made it clear the first day that this week was about us...not the A. We attended great lectures about the actual disease itself, the brain, etc. Attended lectures/work shops about family roles that we all learn. We had 1 afternoon, and 1 morning, where we had 1 on 1 and group with the A's themselves. So I did get a chance to confront my A, and he had to sit and listen.

I can't tell you what's best for you. I will only say that I am SO glad I got over my anger and went. AlAnon is wonderful, but this set the foundation for me.

lillamy

True, very true. And I think we all make the best decisions we can based on where we're at -- and I'm sorry if I sounded like "I don't think you care if you don't go" -- that's not what I intended at all.

At the end of the day (and this is what I told AXH's therapist when he was pressuring me to come to family therapy at the rehab center), the decision to work the program and stay sober is all in the hands of the addict -- and if they (therapist and AXH and rehab facility) think my participation in the program is what will determine AXH's success, then I'd say they're all giving me way more power than I have, or want.

LovesVWs

If being able to confront my AH or be in group with him was an option I would be there in a heartbeat. He needs to hear my 'homework' assignments from me directly and deal with my feeling head on now that he has a bit of sober time under him. Sadly this program keeps everything segregated except mealtimes, so I would not get to see him at all or deal with the poop I feel we need to talk about without the cloud of alcohol over him.

LexieCat

I don't know that being able to confront him or be in a group with him would necessarily be helpful for either one of you at this stage of the game. Your "homework" assignments (I'm assuming that you are talking about assignments an Al-Anon sponsor has given you) are for YOU, not for him to hear and respond to.

He won't be in a position to deal with your feelings for a while. Rehab is just the beginning. There will come a time when you can discuss some of that stuff, but I wouldn't suggest you bring it up for at least the next several months. If you have a sponsor, I suggest you discuss it with her.

LovesVWs

The homework is assigned by the rehab facility and used in Group therapy.

From what I know my husband has to read it out loud and learn that his actions impact other people and that we are all still here rooting for him.

That is the extent of what I know so far - his therapist there updates me once a week on his progress in group classes.

LexieCat

Oh, I see. Thanks, sorry for the misunderstanding.

I think you'll make out fine (and so will he) without your being there. Sounds to me like you have your priorities straight.