spiderqueen

My ABF is currently on day 4 of a binge - he isolates and self destructs every few weeks. Then he crawls out of the hole, is sober (and lovely) for a while, until he inevitably falls back in. I have never known such frustration, disappointment, loneliness and heartbreak. I am very, very close to getting off this ride forever.

At the same time, I am grateful today - grateful for my excellent health, my beautiful daughters, this gorgeous N. Calif weather, my *sweet & peaceful* house (he doesn't live with me), and weirdly, even the sharp, awful shooting pain I get when I think about him, and EVERYTHING HE IS THROWING AWAY. I am grateful that I can FEEL that pain, and that I am not numb, anesthetized, or poisoned by alcohol, or any other substance.

I guess I am grateful to not be an alcoholic myself. And I say that with total compassion for all those who struggle with addiction, and deep and abiding respect for anyone who finds their way out of that hole, ONCE AND FOR ALL.

LexieCat

None of us has to ride the elevator all the way to the bottom.

And thanks for the words of compassion--alcoholics really do suffer, whatever they pretend otherwise. I know the whole time I was trying to convince myself everything was OK, deep down I knew it wasn't, *I* wasn't.

Bubovski

Strange, but I am grateful to be an alcoholic.
It has taught me a lot of things, albeit painfully,
Now in recovery I can see where I was, and work on where I am going.

We can anaesthetize in many ways (I was on drugs too) along with co-dependency.
There are many 12 step programs and I wish you well.

spiderqueen

Ah, yes, touche, Murchovski, and thank you for that. I do attend Alanon meetings, go to individual therapy, and am working on myself. I have come to see that I am, in fact, addicted to my addict.

AlcoholicLove

As are many of us, spiderqueen....

Dreos

I feel for you and can relate to your ABF, as a 30 year binger in a 30yo relationship. My partner has given me enough love and compassion, and time
to finally come to realize that I am truly powerless over alcohol. As you know or can find out here, it is a cunning, baffling, disease. It is not easy to dismiss
that voice in your head, saying you can handle a drink. My partner is very special, and I recognize that very few people can live with a drunk, not an easy
journey.

My partner joined Al-Anon, many years ago, and it helped him a great deal understanding what I am going thru. Only you know how much you can handle,
he may not be ready to get sober for many years. Have you asked him if he thinks his drinking is ok? Has he ever been to AA? For me it has taken a very long time to get to this place of realization, and i am grateful that after my last binge it sunk in. I am finally sick of being sick and tired. Not to mention all the other horrible feelings that I experience after a binge. I would suggest you talk to him with kindness, without ultimatums or judgement, about his binges.

If you don't see a change in behaviour, you may have to make a choice, as to
whether you can handle this type of relationship. Good luck and may God let him see the light.:

spiderqueen

Wow, Dreos. I got chills reading your reply - it's the other side of the story, straight from the horse's mouth. Thank you so much for sharing that.

ABF says he knows the binges are terrible and destructive, he has been to AA mtgs, has tried Rational Recovery, meditation, yoga, etc etc. (perhaps only to please me & others/keep us at bay? not sure.)- none of it "sticks". He is self-medicating for various ailments (such as anxiety), and I believe his body and brain both believe that only alcohol helps him. It's a twisted, tragic mess.

I have shown him enormous compassion, which he gratefully acknowledges, but the consequences of his drinking are wearing me down - including, but not limited to, the horror of watching someone you love destroy themselves. He's 48, and he's running out of time to turn the boat around. I love him too much to be the one who finds him dead.

neferkamichael

Spiderqueen, I am so sorry you are suffering because of an alcoholic, and there is probably nothing you can do for him. Take care of yourself, better to jump off a sinking ship than go down with it. Praying for the both of you.

Merry Go 'Round - Kacey Musgraves (Lyrics) - YouTube

LexieCat

I think what hangs up most alcoholics is their conviction that they are UNIQUE--somehow different from the people they meet at AA meetings. They compare their situations, they don't relate to how people talk about how they FELT about alcohol--what it did FOR them (as opposed to what it did TO them). "I never got a DUI, I never went to jail, these people are a bunch of losers, I'm smart enough to handle this myself, they are all cult members, those slogans are so stupid," yada yada.

Once you finally "get it" you can't figure out why you didn't see it before. But once you DO "get it," that's when the miracles can start to happen. I often hear it said (and I believe it) that almost nobody is too stupid to grasp the AA program, but plenty of people are too smart to.