I put this in newcomer's too
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winnipeg
Posts: 12
I put this in newcomer's too
Hi, this post is in newcomer's forum and someone suggested I put it in here.
I'm not an addict myself but was up until 6 days engaged to one. I'm hoping I can get some insight because I'm confused as to what to do here.
He is almost 4 years sober now, he was just under 2 years sober when I met him. On our first date he was very upfront with me and told me he was in jail for 8 years for attempted murder, and was a recovering addict (crack, heroin, meth). I respected that he told me this truth on the first date, it comforted me in a strange way... To know that he has addressed his past and is working towards being a better person. [I was slightly hesitant but figured I'd see how it went] Also, he is 14 years older than me.
I wasn't living in the same city at the time and he would come up to me every weekend to spend a few days together. We met late May 2011 and when I went back to the city in September, I was moved into his new place by October. We had an interesting relationship, I am an artist who was going into my final year of school and he was more than happy to financially support me so i could focus on my work. He's a construction worker so if there was ever a time he needed help I would go with him to his job sites and help in any way I could. Our condo was tiny, and somehow we managed to only have 5 big fights in the 2 years of our relationship. He would tell me stories of his past, but I never saw him as an addict... looking back on it I realize I should have informed myself about dating an addict and what to expect. My parents liked him, my sister and brother not so much.
In December 2012 he proposed. I said yes and we were planning to be married early september 2013. We lived out of the city in the town we actually met with jobs that suited us well. Saturday, my parents came out and informed us both that they found out he lied about being in jail for 8 years. I was shocked. He just sat there knowing the truth had come out. i asked my parents to leave and he admitted he was only in jail for 2 years less a day. I have yet to see the proof of this and I am nervous that he is lying again, although his family all backs him up.
He explained that he made up this lie 5 years ago when he first entered sobriety. He didn't want to be just another junkie and he didn't feel like he belonged. I can actually understand that, I don't exactly accept it but I definitely understand it. And I've told him that.
Because my parents were the ones who found out they were fully involved in the break up. The night they told me I went out with them and when i came back home (which was extremely hard for my mother to understand) I found him in the shop drinking a beer- he said, well there's no point hiding this from you. I was upset but I didn't get mad.
He called his sister and told her the lie he told me and she called him an idiot. I then spoke with her and she said, yes, he can fabricate the truth. I asked some examples, like, did he beat up her abusive boyfriend in front of her and get arrested, having the charges dropped shortly after? She said she HAD an abusive boyfriend, he didn't beat him up in front of her, she doesn't know if that happened.
He said he spent most of his childhood on the streets. His sister said he always had a place at their home, his parents had an apartment for him at some point but not when he was 13 or 14. There were times that he would disappear for weeks at a time but he always came home.
There were little things like, he said he had his hair really long and he woke up with his mom standing above him with scissors holding a piece of his hair that she cut off. So he shaved his whole head. His sister doesn't recall that. His mom doesn't recall that either.
He actually had a second beer while I also had one. We had a talk and I told him I didn't know if I could trust him again, how do I know that there's nothing else he lied to me about? He fully respected what I was saying and took responsibility for screwing up. He said he would understand if I left, obviously he didn't want me to but he would understand. That night he slept on the couch while I was in the bed.
Sunday morning I woke up bawling and realized I had to pack my things. My mom came to my door and I told her I was leaving and just to leave me alone while I did what I needed to do. Of course, being irritatingly concerned parents, they still hovered, walking up and down the street to check on me. He came in and saw me packing and I just said, I have to leave. He was upset as I was but said he would take care of the work end, and would clean out the truck for me. I ended up starting the truck without him and he came to help me once he was done talking to one of our bosses who is also his best friend. He by this time cancelled our joint banking accounts and mentioned he would be separating our cell phones the following day. I was having a hard time bringing myself to leave because I still of course have feelings for him. I kept going back and forth between, I'm leaving and I don't want to go. Our boss (his best friend) called me and tried to use his past experiences to help me understand and give him a second chance. At that time I couldn't, I had to get out of there. I went back and we had a few cigarettes together and just talked. And I cried. It's blurry now but as we were talking I realized I wasn't ready to give up the two greatest years of my life. He said he was scared and he didn't want me to go and he was sobbing and we were holding each other. I told him I was going to try to explain to my parents that I couldn't go and I was going to stay and get to the truth. I saw my parents walking towards us so I went out there to stop them. I told them they weren't going to like what I was going to say but I wanted to stay and figure this out on my own. They got extremely mad and said he's just trying to manipulate me into staying. They said they didn't want to see me ruin my life and if I stayed I would be losing my family and they didn't want to see me get tangled in his web. At this point I was still at the, I don't want to stay and I don't want to go, point, but seeing how my parents were, both of them crying (they're not one to get emotional). I was somewhat forced to leave with them. They wouldn't let me drive my own truck, I had to go with my mom while my dad drove mine. I left my pack of smokes in the shop where my fiance was so i had to go get them, my mom following me. I grabbed them and said I have to go, I need a few days away from everybody to think about all this. He looked at me and said, I'm never going to see you again am I? I said I don't know (which I don't think he heard because my mom yelled my name). I left.
His parents didn't know about the lie he told me, and my mom (being irritatingly involved) called her and yelled at her. Which, I want to scream at her for doing. I understand she wants the best for me but who does she think she is? I am an adult, I have made my own decisions up until this point, and now they're trying to control the situation... it feels like now they're manipulating me. Telling me I can stay in a hotel for a while so I don't have to come home, then saying, no we actually want you at home. Saying they could fly me to another city where my best friend is, and still no word of that. For some reason they won't let me drive my own vehicle but are allowing me to borrow theirs. It's just weird.
I talked to his mom a couple days after this all happened, and I didn't feel like she was very surprised by what happened. She said she was absolutely devastated. I asked her about his "actual" jailtime and she didn't know dates or locations or reasons... which makes me somewhat suspicious. With that being said, from 18-30 years old, he wasn't very close with his family seeing he was out on the problem.
I talked to another friend of his who is in the program. I asked if there were any sort of meetings I could go to to make sense of this all. We had an hour long talk and he said look, he lied to me too, and I understand why and I've forgiven him. You need to ask yourself if this is always going to be in the back of your mind or if you can move on with him. He tried his best not to be biased. I'm stuck. And, at this point, I feel like if I choose him my family will basically disown me. They've made it clear that they will never speak to him again. That is clouding my opinion on what I actually want- and I don't know. His friend said he's known him for 5 years and he's never seen him as happy as he has been with me. If there were no lies, I would still be there. With the lies, I don't know. Hindsight 20/20 if he told me before any of this happened, I'm sure it would have turned out differently. He said if my parents approached it differently (my dad screamed at him- understandably) it may have turned out differently.He said if I made the decision to come back he would need my parents approval-- which, unless I take my parents to family al- anon meetings and they somehow turn around, he's not going to get.
Please give me some insight here? I'm lost. I told my best friend about all this and while I was talking I was thinking, this is absurd, why would I even consider going back? But as time goes by I keep bouncing back and forth. And right now I'm just numb.
I'm not an addict myself but was up until 6 days engaged to one. I'm hoping I can get some insight because I'm confused as to what to do here.
He is almost 4 years sober now, he was just under 2 years sober when I met him. On our first date he was very upfront with me and told me he was in jail for 8 years for attempted murder, and was a recovering addict (crack, heroin, meth). I respected that he told me this truth on the first date, it comforted me in a strange way... To know that he has addressed his past and is working towards being a better person. [I was slightly hesitant but figured I'd see how it went] Also, he is 14 years older than me.
I wasn't living in the same city at the time and he would come up to me every weekend to spend a few days together. We met late May 2011 and when I went back to the city in September, I was moved into his new place by October. We had an interesting relationship, I am an artist who was going into my final year of school and he was more than happy to financially support me so i could focus on my work. He's a construction worker so if there was ever a time he needed help I would go with him to his job sites and help in any way I could. Our condo was tiny, and somehow we managed to only have 5 big fights in the 2 years of our relationship. He would tell me stories of his past, but I never saw him as an addict... looking back on it I realize I should have informed myself about dating an addict and what to expect. My parents liked him, my sister and brother not so much.
In December 2012 he proposed. I said yes and we were planning to be married early september 2013. We lived out of the city in the town we actually met with jobs that suited us well. Saturday, my parents came out and informed us both that they found out he lied about being in jail for 8 years. I was shocked. He just sat there knowing the truth had come out. i asked my parents to leave and he admitted he was only in jail for 2 years less a day. I have yet to see the proof of this and I am nervous that he is lying again, although his family all backs him up.
He explained that he made up this lie 5 years ago when he first entered sobriety. He didn't want to be just another junkie and he didn't feel like he belonged. I can actually understand that, I don't exactly accept it but I definitely understand it. And I've told him that.
Because my parents were the ones who found out they were fully involved in the break up. The night they told me I went out with them and when i came back home (which was extremely hard for my mother to understand) I found him in the shop drinking a beer- he said, well there's no point hiding this from you. I was upset but I didn't get mad.
He called his sister and told her the lie he told me and she called him an idiot. I then spoke with her and she said, yes, he can fabricate the truth. I asked some examples, like, did he beat up her abusive boyfriend in front of her and get arrested, having the charges dropped shortly after? She said she HAD an abusive boyfriend, he didn't beat him up in front of her, she doesn't know if that happened.
He said he spent most of his childhood on the streets. His sister said he always had a place at their home, his parents had an apartment for him at some point but not when he was 13 or 14. There were times that he would disappear for weeks at a time but he always came home.
There were little things like, he said he had his hair really long and he woke up with his mom standing above him with scissors holding a piece of his hair that she cut off. So he shaved his whole head. His sister doesn't recall that. His mom doesn't recall that either.
He actually had a second beer while I also had one. We had a talk and I told him I didn't know if I could trust him again, how do I know that there's nothing else he lied to me about? He fully respected what I was saying and took responsibility for screwing up. He said he would understand if I left, obviously he didn't want me to but he would understand. That night he slept on the couch while I was in the bed.
Sunday morning I woke up bawling and realized I had to pack my things. My mom came to my door and I told her I was leaving and just to leave me alone while I did what I needed to do. Of course, being irritatingly concerned parents, they still hovered, walking up and down the street to check on me. He came in and saw me packing and I just said, I have to leave. He was upset as I was but said he would take care of the work end, and would clean out the truck for me. I ended up starting the truck without him and he came to help me once he was done talking to one of our bosses who is also his best friend. He by this time cancelled our joint banking accounts and mentioned he would be separating our cell phones the following day. I was having a hard time bringing myself to leave because I still of course have feelings for him. I kept going back and forth between, I'm leaving and I don't want to go. Our boss (his best friend) called me and tried to use his past experiences to help me understand and give him a second chance. At that time I couldn't, I had to get out of there. I went back and we had a few cigarettes together and just talked. And I cried. It's blurry now but as we were talking I realized I wasn't ready to give up the two greatest years of my life. He said he was scared and he didn't want me to go and he was sobbing and we were holding each other. I told him I was going to try to explain to my parents that I couldn't go and I was going to stay and get to the truth. I saw my parents walking towards us so I went out there to stop them. I told them they weren't going to like what I was going to say but I wanted to stay and figure this out on my own. They got extremely mad and said he's just trying to manipulate me into staying. They said they didn't want to see me ruin my life and if I stayed I would be losing my family and they didn't want to see me get tangled in his web. At this point I was still at the, I don't want to stay and I don't want to go, point, but seeing how my parents were, both of them crying (they're not one to get emotional). I was somewhat forced to leave with them. They wouldn't let me drive my own truck, I had to go with my mom while my dad drove mine. I left my pack of smokes in the shop where my fiance was so i had to go get them, my mom following me. I grabbed them and said I have to go, I need a few days away from everybody to think about all this. He looked at me and said, I'm never going to see you again am I? I said I don't know (which I don't think he heard because my mom yelled my name). I left.
His parents didn't know about the lie he told me, and my mom (being irritatingly involved) called her and yelled at her. Which, I want to scream at her for doing. I understand she wants the best for me but who does she think she is? I am an adult, I have made my own decisions up until this point, and now they're trying to control the situation... it feels like now they're manipulating me. Telling me I can stay in a hotel for a while so I don't have to come home, then saying, no we actually want you at home. Saying they could fly me to another city where my best friend is, and still no word of that. For some reason they won't let me drive my own vehicle but are allowing me to borrow theirs. It's just weird.
I talked to his mom a couple days after this all happened, and I didn't feel like she was very surprised by what happened. She said she was absolutely devastated. I asked her about his "actual" jailtime and she didn't know dates or locations or reasons... which makes me somewhat suspicious. With that being said, from 18-30 years old, he wasn't very close with his family seeing he was out on the problem.
I talked to another friend of his who is in the program. I asked if there were any sort of meetings I could go to to make sense of this all. We had an hour long talk and he said look, he lied to me too, and I understand why and I've forgiven him. You need to ask yourself if this is always going to be in the back of your mind or if you can move on with him. He tried his best not to be biased. I'm stuck. And, at this point, I feel like if I choose him my family will basically disown me. They've made it clear that they will never speak to him again. That is clouding my opinion on what I actually want- and I don't know. His friend said he's known him for 5 years and he's never seen him as happy as he has been with me. If there were no lies, I would still be there. With the lies, I don't know. Hindsight 20/20 if he told me before any of this happened, I'm sure it would have turned out differently. He said if my parents approached it differently (my dad screamed at him- understandably) it may have turned out differently.He said if I made the decision to come back he would need my parents approval-- which, unless I take my parents to family al- anon meetings and they somehow turn around, he's not going to get.
Please give me some insight here? I'm lost. I told my best friend about all this and while I was talking I was thinking, this is absurd, why would I even consider going back? But as time goes by I keep bouncing back and forth. And right now I'm just numb.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wow.
I understand how you feel pressured by your family. They didn't handle it in the best possible way, but put that aside for the moment. They were panicking at the thought of your possibly ruining your life. Parents do that sort of thing when they are terrified.
Frankly, even though I think it could have been handled a little better, I can't say that I blame them. I think you are putting yourself at risk for a very dangerous situation. This guy is an admitted liar(who only fessed up because the jig was up), and he is still drinking. He is a HORRIBLE risk as relationship material.
Listen, I split up with my last S.O. because he had lied to me for years about his AGE. He lied about all kinds of things to make himself appear a certain way. He was not an alcoholic, but I had more compassion for the two alcoholics I was married to than for this guy who just lied to look good. This guy is a liar AND an active alcoholic. Bad combination.
You are in for a world of hurt if you stick with this guy--seriously. Try to put aside any resentment you feel toward your parents and try to be totally objective. Your first impulse was to go. That was your survival instinct kicking in, I believe. You only started having second thoughts when he went to work on your sympathy. That is the alcoholic's (and liar's) stock in trade. Manipulation.
I'm not suggesting this man is irredeemably evil. But he has a LONG way to go before he is fit for a relationship. You don't have to be his guinea pig.
I'd take your parents up on their offer to stay with them temporarily and put an end to this relationship--as your own good sense told you to do before things got so mixed up.
I understand how you feel pressured by your family. They didn't handle it in the best possible way, but put that aside for the moment. They were panicking at the thought of your possibly ruining your life. Parents do that sort of thing when they are terrified.
Frankly, even though I think it could have been handled a little better, I can't say that I blame them. I think you are putting yourself at risk for a very dangerous situation. This guy is an admitted liar(who only fessed up because the jig was up), and he is still drinking. He is a HORRIBLE risk as relationship material.
Listen, I split up with my last S.O. because he had lied to me for years about his AGE. He lied about all kinds of things to make himself appear a certain way. He was not an alcoholic, but I had more compassion for the two alcoholics I was married to than for this guy who just lied to look good. This guy is a liar AND an active alcoholic. Bad combination.
You are in for a world of hurt if you stick with this guy--seriously. Try to put aside any resentment you feel toward your parents and try to be totally objective. Your first impulse was to go. That was your survival instinct kicking in, I believe. You only started having second thoughts when he went to work on your sympathy. That is the alcoholic's (and liar's) stock in trade. Manipulation.
I'm not suggesting this man is irredeemably evil. But he has a LONG way to go before he is fit for a relationship. You don't have to be his guinea pig.
I'd take your parents up on their offer to stay with them temporarily and put an end to this relationship--as your own good sense told you to do before things got so mixed up.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I agree with Lexie. Your parents, well, imagine yourself as the mother of a daughter in your situation.
On him--I suppose it is possible somewhere out there is a person that could love another person fully knowing that they were being lied to quite often.
Do you think that person is you?
Most people would have a difficult with that. Most people would have a difficult time not knowing WHO they were married to. Not that we fully know anyone's thoughts, but that he has YEARS missing from his history.
I think you can safely count on that there are a lot more lies that he has told you that you will never get the truth about.
Since his lies are sometimes ridiculously told for no other reason than his own amusement--like the hair cutting bit--I have enough confidence to say that he is a compulsive liar--which means he isn't likely to quit lying anytime soon. Think of the movie with Leonardo Dicaprio in "Catch me if you can" if you've seen it.
Or if he could channel that creative imagination into writing a best-selling crime novel.
Appears to me though, that he hasn't done anything remotely productive with his creativity. Seems he has a history of destruction instead.
Who do you think will have your back in life should you need someone to be there for you?
Your parents or him?
I'm betting on your parents.
You might want to do some reading on "compulsive liars" on the web from a good source.
On him--I suppose it is possible somewhere out there is a person that could love another person fully knowing that they were being lied to quite often.
Do you think that person is you?
Most people would have a difficult with that. Most people would have a difficult time not knowing WHO they were married to. Not that we fully know anyone's thoughts, but that he has YEARS missing from his history.
I think you can safely count on that there are a lot more lies that he has told you that you will never get the truth about.
Since his lies are sometimes ridiculously told for no other reason than his own amusement--like the hair cutting bit--I have enough confidence to say that he is a compulsive liar--which means he isn't likely to quit lying anytime soon. Think of the movie with Leonardo Dicaprio in "Catch me if you can" if you've seen it.
Or if he could channel that creative imagination into writing a best-selling crime novel.
Appears to me though, that he hasn't done anything remotely productive with his creativity. Seems he has a history of destruction instead.
Who do you think will have your back in life should you need someone to be there for you?
Your parents or him?
I'm betting on your parents.
You might want to do some reading on "compulsive liars" on the web from a good source.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winnipeg
Posts: 12
This guy is an admitted liar(who only fessed up because the jig was up), and he is still drinking.
To clear it up, He had two beer the night this all happened, has admitted it to his family and hasn't had a drink since.
Maybe he thought that would make me stay, I don't know. But yeah.
I know their parental instincts kicked in in a pretty bad way, but I can't blame them for how they responded either..
Thanks for your comment... my thoughts are, can I get past this, is it stupid to try? Do I think I can support him-- I'm obviously not equipped to give him the help he needs...am I ready to give up. Was it all a lie... His friend who's in the progrm was trying to be objective and explain his end, and understand mine. He said since I'm trying to get to answers and considering going to al-anon shows that i'm not ready to give up...Another commenter told me to run and seek therapy. I really appreciate your post, and like an addict, I feel like I'm searching for the answer I want. My first instinct the next day was to go, but the night I found out I was still trying to figure out what I could do. If I could stay because I did want to stay.. Even when I decided to leave (before talking to him) I didn't know for certain.
I thought it was hard choosing between coke or pepsi. hah
To clear it up, He had two beer the night this all happened, has admitted it to his family and hasn't had a drink since.
Maybe he thought that would make me stay, I don't know. But yeah.
I know their parental instincts kicked in in a pretty bad way, but I can't blame them for how they responded either..
Thanks for your comment... my thoughts are, can I get past this, is it stupid to try? Do I think I can support him-- I'm obviously not equipped to give him the help he needs...am I ready to give up. Was it all a lie... His friend who's in the progrm was trying to be objective and explain his end, and understand mine. He said since I'm trying to get to answers and considering going to al-anon shows that i'm not ready to give up...Another commenter told me to run and seek therapy. I really appreciate your post, and like an addict, I feel like I'm searching for the answer I want. My first instinct the next day was to go, but the night I found out I was still trying to figure out what I could do. If I could stay because I did want to stay.. Even when I decided to leave (before talking to him) I didn't know for certain.
I thought it was hard choosing between coke or pepsi. hah
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hey there. So, you don't have to decide right this second do you?
So don't. Continue to let it all sink in. It's a lot to digest, and there are a lot of emotions involved -- not just yours and his, but your parents, siblings, and his family. Sometimes the emotion of a situation is too overwhelming to make good decisions. Time can help diffuse that, as you figure out what it is you want and what you think you can handle.
No one should be pressuring you to decide one way or another right now. Sending you strength and hugs. You've been through a lot!
So don't. Continue to let it all sink in. It's a lot to digest, and there are a lot of emotions involved -- not just yours and his, but your parents, siblings, and his family. Sometimes the emotion of a situation is too overwhelming to make good decisions. Time can help diffuse that, as you figure out what it is you want and what you think you can handle.
No one should be pressuring you to decide one way or another right now. Sending you strength and hugs. You've been through a lot!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You SAW him take two beers. Alcoholics are known for hiding their drinking.
And his credibility is shot at this point, I think.
Yes, people do recover. I'm five years sober, myself. But he has serious problems in the honesty department, and honesty is CRITICAL to recovery. RIGOROUS honesty is how it's described. He lied to you, he lied to people in his program. AND he is still drinking. One beer or a case, alcoholics who are drinking are DRINKING.
I'm imagining you are a fairly young woman. I would suggest that a relationship with this man would be a terrible waste of your youth. I've known hundreds of alcoholics. Few are utterly beyond hope, but he is not showing the signs you see in someone who is solidly in recovery. He is relapsing and if there is any hope for him it will take total commitment on his part. I'm not seeing it right now.
And his credibility is shot at this point, I think.
Yes, people do recover. I'm five years sober, myself. But he has serious problems in the honesty department, and honesty is CRITICAL to recovery. RIGOROUS honesty is how it's described. He lied to you, he lied to people in his program. AND he is still drinking. One beer or a case, alcoholics who are drinking are DRINKING.
I'm imagining you are a fairly young woman. I would suggest that a relationship with this man would be a terrible waste of your youth. I've known hundreds of alcoholics. Few are utterly beyond hope, but he is not showing the signs you see in someone who is solidly in recovery. He is relapsing and if there is any hope for him it will take total commitment on his part. I'm not seeing it right now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Ashley, wow...
I bet you are questioning what else was a lie? Someone who lies this much isn't a man who you've come to know that has said a few little white lies here and there, this is a man you DON'T know, and CAN'T know because he has no real sense of himself.
That coupled with the fact that he's an active alcoholic is just devastating. Do you really want to give this guy a chance only to end up getting a divorce or being extremely unhappy later in life after having been married for years because you have a kind and gentle heart?
Read up on the forums and don't forget you deserve better and it's up to you to make a choice that makes you happy or unhappy.
I bet you are questioning what else was a lie? Someone who lies this much isn't a man who you've come to know that has said a few little white lies here and there, this is a man you DON'T know, and CAN'T know because he has no real sense of himself.
That coupled with the fact that he's an active alcoholic is just devastating. Do you really want to give this guy a chance only to end up getting a divorce or being extremely unhappy later in life after having been married for years because you have a kind and gentle heart?
Read up on the forums and don't forget you deserve better and it's up to you to make a choice that makes you happy or unhappy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Trust is the foundation of any relationship and it’s so hard once you lose that to fully gain it back.
I think his lying goes beyond this one lie he told you about being in prison for 8 years. He’s an addict with a questionable past to say the least, even his own family is not fully aware of his past.
Besides his drug history and lying history what kind of prior relationships has he had and why did he say they ended?
I think his lying goes beyond this one lie he told you about being in prison for 8 years. He’s an addict with a questionable past to say the least, even his own family is not fully aware of his past.
Besides his drug history and lying history what kind of prior relationships has he had and why did he say they ended?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ashley, for the record I would like to suggest that your bf's well-meaning friend does not have your welfare as 1st. priority--he is thinking about your bf!!! He is taking his side--pretty naturally. Also, I think it is pretty arrogant for an addict to tell you what your motives are in alanon. I gurantee that he doesn't know a da** thing about alanon.
Just trying to give you some perspective on his friend.
If you stay with this guy, I see a very dark future for you.
dandylion
Just trying to give you some perspective on his friend.
If you stay with this guy, I see a very dark future for you.
dandylion
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
He is almost 4 years sober now If he is drinking even two beers, he is not 4 years sober. Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone whose word you can never trust? I could not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winnipeg
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by atalose 
Besides his drug history and lying history what kind of prior relationships has he had and why did he say they ended?
There was a girl he said was nuts who while he was in jail, she called his mom for money to bail him out and she spent it all, took all his **** and racked up his credit card (back when he was using and so was she).
And I vaguely remember a girl who he said he was with and they lived in her basement-- can't remember details on why they broke up.
Those are the three that stick out to me the most. I know he also had his childhood love, but who hasn't. And I don't think they ever really dated.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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You SAW him take two beers. Alcoholics are known for hiding their drinking.
And his credibility is shot at this point, I think.
And his credibility is shot at this point, I think.
I heard a funny joke the other day, the kind of joke that's funny if you're not living it: "I used to be a compulsive liar, but I stopped."
Has he really? Where's the redemption in this redemption story?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winnipeg
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Just one other thought.
If your best friend were telling you this story, what would you say to her?
If your best friend were telling you this story, what would you say to her?
Come to think of it, after all these comments, the only reason I think I'm thinking of forgiving him is BECAUSE he's an addict... if it were any other situation I would definitely be gone.
I knew a pathological liar a few years back who I had some sympathy for but in the end wrote him off-- he was my brother's friend who lived with us. I at times feel bad but I know it was the right thing to do.
One of my best friends was dating someone similar a few years back-- and he's the father of her child... but it was much worse, he abused her, never went into recovery, was pulling her down with him, lied, cheated, manipulated, and I did everything I could to get her out of that situation.
Why am I fighting it? I see the red flag, why am I trying so hard to change its color?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Winnipeg
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by dandylion
ashley, for the record I would like to suggest that your bf's well-meaning friend does not have your welfare as 1st. priority--he is thinking about your bf!!! He is taking his side--pretty naturally. Also, I think it is pretty arrogant for an addict to tell you what your motives are in alanon. I gurantee that he doesn't know a da** thing about alanon.
dandylion
dandylion
I know as his friend he is going to take his side, he tried his best to treat me like he would any other sponsee. Of course he will be influenced by many things, just as I am. He said one thing he knew for sure is by bf was the happiest with me, and that he knew it was the truth. He saw how nervous my bf was when he got the engagement ring...can someone really fake all that emotion?
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Location: Memphis, TN
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Ashley, as someone who was in a long term relationship with an alcoholic I will give some simple advice based on my experience.
Run away.
His addiction does not give him a free pass on the lying and to be honest it only makes it worse.
Run away.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Do you want to be 5 years down the road looking back to now as the good old days?
Run away.
Check out this thread. Right now you are still a "normie" and have the chance to stay that way. The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Things a "normie" wouldn't know.... Part 1)
Run away.
Your friend,
Run away.
His addiction does not give him a free pass on the lying and to be honest it only makes it worse.
Run away.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Do you want to be 5 years down the road looking back to now as the good old days?
Run away.
Check out this thread. Right now you are still a "normie" and have the chance to stay that way. The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Things a "normie" wouldn't know.... Part 1)
Run away.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
the only reason I think I'm thinking of forgiving him is BECAUSE he's an addict... if it were any other situation I would definitely be gone.
Yes someone can fake all that emotion, they are living a lie, crazy isn't it? Relationships are hard enough...lying, alcoholism, etc makes a healthy relationship impossible.
This is the type of guy that would look you straight in the eye and tell you "I have never cheated on you and will never cheat on you, really!!" when he has already cheated on you 3x.
I like to pose this question. Say your girlfriend was trying to hook you up with this guy for the first time and proceeded to tell you all you know now "he's a liar, alcoholic, etc etc" would you have said, "sure gf, set me up with him, I would love to meet him!" or....
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Here's the thing about addiction and alcoholism. As m1k3 pointed out, it doesn't give anyone a "pass"--alcoholics and addicts are legally and morally responsible for their behavior. You are under the impression he was sober all the time he was with you. So if he wasn't drinking, how is that even a factor? If he WAS drinking, that's just one more lie.
His own family doesn't know him. You only THINK you did--and much of what he has told you has already turned out to be a lie.
Nobody wants to feel they were played for a fool--I get that. And no one here is suggesting you are a fool. Everyone is deceived once in a while--look at some of the smart people who lost money investing with Bernie Madoff. But to stubbornly persist in the face of the evidence that someone is not who he says he is, is throwing your future away to protect your illusions about what you THOUGHT you knew.
Look, none of us knows you from Adam. We have no stake in this mess. We aren't the ones who will have to live your life. We aren't your parents. But we do care very much about trying to spare someone the kind of untold pain that all of our collective experience SCREAMS is coming your way.
His own family doesn't know him. You only THINK you did--and much of what he has told you has already turned out to be a lie.
Nobody wants to feel they were played for a fool--I get that. And no one here is suggesting you are a fool. Everyone is deceived once in a while--look at some of the smart people who lost money investing with Bernie Madoff. But to stubbornly persist in the face of the evidence that someone is not who he says he is, is throwing your future away to protect your illusions about what you THOUGHT you knew.
Look, none of us knows you from Adam. We have no stake in this mess. We aren't the ones who will have to live your life. We aren't your parents. But we do care very much about trying to spare someone the kind of untold pain that all of our collective experience SCREAMS is coming your way.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by ashleyf
he was engaged once to a girl named Chelsey. They "broke up because he wasn't around very much and she cheated on him with one of his friends". They were engaged for three years I believe, together for two before that (the years might be switched around I don't have the best memory). He also admitted he was keeping his addiction from her, which I can't remember but, if she found out, may have resulted in her cheating...
There was a girl he said was nuts who while he was in jail, she called his mom for money to bail him out and she spent it all, took all his **** and racked up his credit card (back when he was using and so was she).
And I vaguely remember a girl who he said he was with and they lived in her basement-- can't remember details on why they broke up.
Those are the three that stick out to me the most. I know he also had his childhood love, but who hasn't. And I don't think they ever really dated.
There was a girl he said was nuts who while he was in jail, she called his mom for money to bail him out and she spent it all, took all his **** and racked up his credit card (back when he was using and so was she).
And I vaguely remember a girl who he said he was with and they lived in her basement-- can't remember details on why they broke up.
Those are the three that stick out to me the most. I know he also had his childhood love, but who hasn't. And I don't think they ever really dated.
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