can we discuss how to adjust to a new phase of life?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by bigsombrero 
Big, once again, you've made me laugh!! Thanks for your sense of humor.
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I said in another post this week that I met the man I'm now in a relationship with when I was busy living, when I wasn't looking.
I went outside of my normal sphere. I read a quote from Karen Salmansohn that said something like "the future you're longing for is waiting for you at the exit ramp of your comfort zone" and decided to live by that. I tried snowboarding (honestly, I didn't love it, but I tried and got to the point where I could manage to get down a hill without beating myself black and blue@); I took gun handling and shooting classes; I started reading books about my state's history. All stuff I had never done before and that I did because... well, because it was new. Why not?
To me, the experience of being able to learn and enjoy something completely new gave me a feeling that I really did have a new start in life. That I may be a middle-aged fart but there are still adventures to be had.
I went outside of my normal sphere. I read a quote from Karen Salmansohn that said something like "the future you're longing for is waiting for you at the exit ramp of your comfort zone" and decided to live by that. I tried snowboarding (honestly, I didn't love it, but I tried and got to the point where I could manage to get down a hill without beating myself black and blue@); I took gun handling and shooting classes; I started reading books about my state's history. All stuff I had never done before and that I did because... well, because it was new. Why not?
To me, the experience of being able to learn and enjoy something completely new gave me a feeling that I really did have a new start in life. That I may be a middle-aged fart but there are still adventures to be had.
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Originally Posted by Florence
I don't miss being in a relationship because I'm getting so many of those needs met on my own.
sorry, couldn't help it. Setup was perfect. I tried not to make a joke.. I really did.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by Jazzman
Going through a lot of batteries?
Only problem is if the charge runs out in the middle, you can't just replace the batteries. But the problem with batteries is you can run out of those, too.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
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I plunged into recovery, got a sponsor and did the steps. I went to as many Alanon meetings as possible. I knew I actually had to DO something else, create a life. What helped was meetup.org where I found a local group to hike with, another for trying local restaurants. When I stayed home alone, I sank, although I really didn't want to do anything. I made myself go out and gradually the wretched time with an alcoholic became history. I replaced old memories with new ones. It takes time but it's worth the hard work.
A lot of my recovery is turning my will over to a Higher Power. My best thinking got me in the worst relationship of my life and it became pretty obvious I had to change. It's a lifelong process.
A lot of my recovery is turning my will over to a Higher Power. My best thinking got me in the worst relationship of my life and it became pretty obvious I had to change. It's a lifelong process.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
Originally Posted by lillamy
I said in another post this week that I met the man I'm now in a relationship with when I was busy living, when I wasn't looking.
I went outside of my normal sphere. I read a quote from Karen Salmansohn that said something like "the future you're longing for is waiting for you at the exit ramp of your comfort zone" and decided to live by that. I tried snowboarding (honestly, I didn't love it, but I tried and got to the point where I could manage to get down a hill without beating myself black and blue@); I took gun handling and shooting classes; I started reading books about my state's history. All stuff I had never done before and that I did because... well, because it was new. Why not?
To me, the experience of being able to learn and enjoy something completely new gave me a feeling that I really did have a new start in life. That I may be a middle-aged fart but there are still adventures to be had.
I went outside of my normal sphere. I read a quote from Karen Salmansohn that said something like "the future you're longing for is waiting for you at the exit ramp of your comfort zone" and decided to live by that. I tried snowboarding (honestly, I didn't love it, but I tried and got to the point where I could manage to get down a hill without beating myself black and blue@); I took gun handling and shooting classes; I started reading books about my state's history. All stuff I had never done before and that I did because... well, because it was new. Why not?
To me, the experience of being able to learn and enjoy something completely new gave me a feeling that I really did have a new start in life. That I may be a middle-aged fart but there are still adventures to be had.
This is really great advice, though....thanks lilamy!
I'm getting SO MUCH good stuff from this thread!!!!!! You guys are great!!!!!
I'm actually doing more than I give myself credit for....everyone's insight is giving me a lot of insights of my own! That's a REALLY GOOD THING.
I was actually pretty busy today with a good mix of activities. And made it to the 7pm mtg too
Yay!!! Victories! Made a Dr. appt first thng in the morning too about the anxiety; got right on the call and didn't put it off. :thumbs up:
THANKS thankyou Thank. You. All. Seriously.
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
I plunged into recovery, got a sponsor and did the steps. I went to as many Alanon meetings as possible. I knew I actually had to DO something else, create a life. What helped was meetup.org where I found a local group to hike with, another for trying local restaurants. When I stayed home alone, I sank, although I really didn't want to do anything. I made myself go out and gradually the wretched time with an alcoholic became history. I replaced old memories with new ones. It takes time but it's worth the hard work.
A lot of my recovery is turning my will over to a Higher Power. My best thinking got me in the worst relationship of my life and it became pretty obvious I had to change. It's a lifelong process.
A lot of my recovery is turning my will over to a Higher Power. My best thinking got me in the worst relationship of my life and it became pretty obvious I had to change. It's a lifelong process.
Thanks NYC !!
That's actually what I really have been doing!!!! Wow well that's encouraging to know I'm on the right path. Just wish I could learn faster.
. Wish I could stop desiring the guy who once cared but we both of us in a crazy immature kind of way. Plus I willfully overlooked a ton of red flags...... He was WONDERFUL. But then his problems just overwhelmed me, the r-ship, everything...and I then grabbed on to save him. **us**
.......
Ok well that's enough of that for now. I'm relieved to know I'm in the right place, on the right track. Just not as fast to be painfree as I would like..... :P
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Originally Posted by DG0409
I can't exactly relate to your situation.
But, when I quit drinking, I found myself with no idea of what to do with my time. What helped me to navigate the major changes in life style was to get a planner and write down activities for each day. I happen to call many of them recovery behaviors as I think we have to take action to make things better.
So, my schedule has the following things:
So when I'm not sure what to do with myself or how to live life... I look at the planner and it helps me figure out the next thing to do for that day is. And when I get to feeling down... it's easy to look and find an activity to do that will help me on my journey to a better life.
But, when I quit drinking, I found myself with no idea of what to do with my time. What helped me to navigate the major changes in life style was to get a planner and write down activities for each day. I happen to call many of them recovery behaviors as I think we have to take action to make things better.
So, my schedule has the following things:
- time on SR,
- some time in the morning to fill out my health journal, read some positive readings, and write in my planner what I'm going to do for the day.
- I joined a yoga class
- eating 3 meals a day + snacks
- exercise every day
- reading
- work
- chores
- playing my drums
So when I'm not sure what to do with myself or how to live life... I look at the planner and it helps me figure out the next thing to do for that day is. And when I get to feeling down... it's easy to look and find an activity to do that will help me on my journey to a better life.
This is a great idea, DG. It would be good for me to adapt it to my needs!! Looks verrrry useful. And scares me cuz it's self-discipline.
Self-discipline! Agh!
I hope I can remember to bring this up when I finally get a sponsor (been asking--no one available yet. ) or when my therapist gets back.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
When I left my second alcoholic I immediately got busy looking for a new relationship. I can tell you that is a very VERY bad use of your time right now!
When I left the last guy I lived with, eight years ago, I decided I wasn't getting involved with anyone until I learned to be happy on my own. I had spent so much energy trying to be what others wanted me to be that I had forgotten what it was *I* liked. I got really into listening to new music. I got back into reading, for fun. I started going to plays or concerts every few months. I started working on making my house look the way *I* wanted it to look (very scary process for someone lacking the decorator gene). And, of course, once I got sober, AA took up a lot of my time and energy.
I totally LOVE living alone now, and have no urge to live any other way.
I agree with Dreams--go exploring. There's nobody you have to please but you. And though that may seem scary now, it is very freeing.
When I left the last guy I lived with, eight years ago, I decided I wasn't getting involved with anyone until I learned to be happy on my own. I had spent so much energy trying to be what others wanted me to be that I had forgotten what it was *I* liked. I got really into listening to new music. I got back into reading, for fun. I started going to plays or concerts every few months. I started working on making my house look the way *I* wanted it to look (very scary process for someone lacking the decorator gene). And, of course, once I got sober, AA took up a lot of my time and energy.
I totally LOVE living alone now, and have no urge to live any other way.
I agree with Dreams--go exploring. There's nobody you have to please but you. And though that may seem scary now, it is very freeing.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain
This is a great idea, DG. It would be good for me to adapt it to my needs!! Looks verrrry useful. And scares me cuz it's self-discipline.
Self-discipline! Agh!
I hope I can remember to bring this up when I finally get a sponsor (been asking--no one available yet. ) or when my therapist gets back.
Self-discipline! Agh!
I hope I can remember to bring this up when I finally get a sponsor (been asking--no one available yet. ) or when my therapist gets back.
So, try to think of it as self-love rather than self-discipline, although in practice, it's some of both.
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Arg,
I divorced my first husband and moved into my own house for the very first time at 35. I'd never lived alone before. It was very scary and lonely at first, but the more time passed, the more I found I loved it. When I'd start feeling sorry for myself and lonely, I'd call a friend or family member and discuss anything that was not about me being alone, such as what was happening in their lives. It worked! Pleasant distraction, connection to the world around me.
Be patient with yourself. You've been through a lot and it takes time to adjust. Try not to be fearful, and embrace your new world, you might just find it's exactly what you need.
Hang in there!
I divorced my first husband and moved into my own house for the very first time at 35. I'd never lived alone before. It was very scary and lonely at first, but the more time passed, the more I found I loved it. When I'd start feeling sorry for myself and lonely, I'd call a friend or family member and discuss anything that was not about me being alone, such as what was happening in their lives. It worked! Pleasant distraction, connection to the world around me.
Be patient with yourself. You've been through a lot and it takes time to adjust. Try not to be fearful, and embrace your new world, you might just find it's exactly what you need.
Hang in there!
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Join Date: May 2013
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Originally Posted by Argnotthisagain
I need to talk about this. It's a new phase, or chapter in my life. Cant say I'm enjoying it yet..... :P
So my question is for those of you in similar condition--- living alone.
What do you do when you're alone and feeling the sting-- and fear of the future, and other scared and negative , self-destructive thoughts.
No addictive and abusive roller-coaster r-ship to keep you in some melodramatic fantasy world of desperate hope and desperate pain....
So, how do you get used to a nice peaceful life? Alone? Alone and fearful about it....what do you do?
I guess this is kind of "Recovery: Phase Two" I'd like to discuss.....
(and heading to bed now...)
Thanks... back tomorrow.....
So my question is for those of you in similar condition--- living alone.
What do you do when you're alone and feeling the sting-- and fear of the future, and other scared and negative , self-destructive thoughts.
No addictive and abusive roller-coaster r-ship to keep you in some melodramatic fantasy world of desperate hope and desperate pain....
So, how do you get used to a nice peaceful life? Alone? Alone and fearful about it....what do you do?
I guess this is kind of "Recovery: Phase Two" I'd like to discuss.....
(and heading to bed now...)
Thanks... back tomorrow.....
This is one of my favorite topics to talk about. It helps me express how I feel.
Living alone after living with the hell of an alcoholic relationship is no walk in the park.
Loneliness eats me alive. Even as I type this, I sit here... in dead silence. All alone. My XABF is curled up in a bed next to the woman he left me for, and I'm here all alone. That alone sometimes gets under my skin. I shouldn't have to suffer alone in silence. I've had to put up with his BS! Haven't I suffered enough?
Still, I'm thankful for it. At the end of the day, I'm not coming home to him passed out from drinking too much. I'm not coming back to a screaming match that is not easily de-escalated. I'm not coming home to an empty bed because he decided to stay out all night drinking. I'm not coming home to a series of lies and deception. I'm not coming home to someone who doesn't care for me.
Instead, I come home to my little piece of cloud nine. I don't have much, but what I have is mine. Once I settled in, I took great pride in furnishing my apartment. I invested a small, yet significant, portion of my income each month into this. Many people consider it a waste. However, knowing how I am, it was important that I had something that I could be proud in. Every day and night, I look around my apartment. Regardless of how I feel, I smile. I smile because I am free from the merry-go-round. I freed myself from the merry-go-round and I never have to go back there.
I am still fearful about the situation. Given my history of attracting disastrous relationships with alcoholics, it might be best that I'm alone for the moment. It's not necessarily what I want, but I know it's what's best. It's not permanent. To ease the fear, I take things one day at a time. I focus on what in my life has to be done. Then, I allow myself something for me. Whether indulging in a hobby or a special treat, I allow myself to have it. I also come here a lot. I don't always post, but I lurk often. It helps knowing that I'm not the only one feeling the way I do... and neither are you.
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AnonK, what you say and how you say it is really lovely. I can picture the peacefulness in your home, I too have prioritized making my cozy small small somewhere peaceful that makes me feel safe and happy. Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate your words.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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I'm alone now and loving it! I haven't gotten to the point where I'm regretting any of it but if and when I do, I shall remind myself of how lonely and stressed and even more alone I felt when living with AH. My advice is to make your space where you live your own and then get out and enjoy life. Take a class in a subject you've always been interested in, take an exercise class, walk dogs for your local shelter, hang out in coffee shops, go to the library. Basically just engage in living again. And when you're feeling lost about the one you left behind, just remind yourself about how awful it was and that now you have peace. As for me personally, I'm not looking for another love relationship. I'm just happy to be with myself and not have anyone yelling at me and I'm no longer scared of breaking all those eggshells that were surrounding me.
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Originally Posted by DG0409
They make rechargeable ones, too.
Only problem is if the charge runs out in the middle, you can't just replace the batteries. But the problem with batteries is you can run out of those, too.
Only problem is if the charge runs out in the middle, you can't just replace the batteries. But the problem with batteries is you can run out of those, too.
(widow of 11 years....)LMAO
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