Had to call cops on ex Sat
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Had to call cops on ex Sat
Hi all. I had to call the cops on my ex Sat and am feeling absolutely heartsick. This is long but I don't know how to condense right now...
I dated my ex for four and a half years and our relationship ended last Sept. We had a tumultuous relationship, both alcoholics and he cheated on more than one occasion and became violent with me on more than one occasion.
Life has improved exponentially for me since we parted ways. I have maintained my sobriety and am making much healthier choices. He and I have maintained contact since our breakup (both positive and negative) but have spent limited time together - I would guess we've seen each other perhaps 10 times since ending things.
In April of this year, my ex got a DUI. He had one previous DUI in 2008, so this was #2. Twenty days later, he got behind the wheel and was charged w/DUI #3.
In the time since his last DUI, he has completed an inpatient treatment program and has been attending out patient 5 days a week. He has yet to be sentenced but may be sentenced this week.
I began having regular contact w/him when he began inpatient treatment @7 weeks ago and we have maintained regular contact since. We talk on the phone and email often but I have seen him I think 5 times in the last two months - breakfast a couple times, to a movie, and sushi. He seemed to be working very hard on his sobriety. He seemed to, frankly, be a really great guy finally seeing his own issues, owning them and making amazing progress in his communication skills. He has been very interested in renewing our relationship. I have been wary but open and open with him about my concerns and reticence. While I am very impressed with the progress he has made and the work he is doing, I feel it would take more than @2 months of good behavior for me to believe his behavior has really changed.
A week ago, he showed up at my house during the day w/o notice. I was upset but ended up going to breakfast with him and sitting on my porch with him talking for some time. Despite my concern about him showing up unannounced, I genuinely enjoyed our conversation and time together.
We made plans to spend time together Sat. But, we went and got dinner Friday evening spur of the moment and things did not go well. I tried discussing some concerns about us becoming involved again and while it didn't turn into a "fight" we could not make progress. I texted when I got home that I appreciated his openness but felt there was a lot to process.
I assumed on Sat spending time together as planned was no longer assumed. At 5:30, I emailed letting him know I felt I needed to spend the evening alone but would touch base with him in the morning. Then, at 8:30 I called him just wanting to chat and not wanting him to feel down about not hanging out. I was very surprised when he told me he had just gotten off public transit and was walking to my house.
When he arrived at my house he was very agitated and immediately told me he was "at the end of his rope with me." I did not invite him inside but spent a little over an hr talking to him on my front porch. During that time he was pretty nasty - calling my a hypocrite, telling me I don't care about anyone but myself, and saying that I am "lucky I have never seen his temper" while also admitting he has done things like slapped me and thrown things at me in the past. I felt very uncomfortable and told him I no longer thought there was any question of us getting back together. We talked about this and he left around 10:30 pm.
A little after 2AM I woke up b/c my dog was freaking out - growling and agitated and running to the window. I noticed the motion detector light was on but figured it was the cat. I couldn't hear anything and decided I better take the dog out to pee since he'd woken up.
When I walked downstairs I saw that someone was standing on my front porch. I screamed. I then realized in was my ex. I opened the door and led him outside to the side of my home. I sat with him for about an hour. He was shifting from caustic and insulting to crying and asking me "why I had done this to us," etc. At one point I thought I smelled beer and asked if he had been drinking but he said no and I didn't question that that was the case. He began saying things that really scared me - that someday I would realize what a mistake I'd made, that I'd be sorry some day, etc. He then got up and entered my home to use the bathroom without asking at which point I told him to get out. During the preceding conversation I told him repeatedly and very clearly that if he ever came near my home without an invitation again I would have no choice but to call the police.
I locked all my deadbolts and went back to bed. Approximately 20 minutes later I heard him knocking on my door. I went downstairs. At this point I was really, really scared. I did not open the door to him. I got my phone and called him and told him to leave. He would not. I then hung up the phone and texted, "leave now." I was then very frightened and went and hid in my kitchen and could not see if he was there. At that point I decided to call 9-1-1.
About 10 minutes later I saw what looked to be lights from the cops and, assuming he was gone, opened the door to meet them on the porch. When I opened the door I saw he was still standing in my driveway. I screamed at him to "go away" and went back outside. He then began crossing the street at which point the cops intersected him, put him on the sidewalk and cuffed him.
The police told me he was "loaded" and would be taken in on violation of his probation for the DUI's. His court date was already scheduled for today. I have no idea if he is in custody, etc.
Despite all this - and despite the fact I spent yesterday feeling terrified, and freaked out he would be released and angry and seek some sort of retaliation - I have felt unbelievably heart sick about this today. I don't feel like I had any choice but to call the police. But I also am incredibly saddened this has happened and hate feeling like b/c of me his chance to avoid jail time on the DUI's is out the window. I know that's nuts - I didn't make him drink and I didn't make him come over here in the middle of the night. But I'm sitting here questioning everything...whether I should've just put him in a cab...whether I was wrong to feel so scared, etc. And resisting a very strong urge to email him and let him know that while I don't support his decisions I care about him and I am heartsick this is the outcome for him.
My head is going nuts. I expected the feelings of fear and anger. I did not expect to feel so sad that things have ended up this way for him.
The people in my life are great and supportive but also probably don't understand why on earth I have any sympathy for this guy anymore. So, am just hoping to hear from people who have been through this sort of thing. Was I wrong to call the cops? Is it anything but nuts to be wanting to talk to him? Has anyone else gone through this?
I dated my ex for four and a half years and our relationship ended last Sept. We had a tumultuous relationship, both alcoholics and he cheated on more than one occasion and became violent with me on more than one occasion.
Life has improved exponentially for me since we parted ways. I have maintained my sobriety and am making much healthier choices. He and I have maintained contact since our breakup (both positive and negative) but have spent limited time together - I would guess we've seen each other perhaps 10 times since ending things.
In April of this year, my ex got a DUI. He had one previous DUI in 2008, so this was #2. Twenty days later, he got behind the wheel and was charged w/DUI #3.
In the time since his last DUI, he has completed an inpatient treatment program and has been attending out patient 5 days a week. He has yet to be sentenced but may be sentenced this week.
I began having regular contact w/him when he began inpatient treatment @7 weeks ago and we have maintained regular contact since. We talk on the phone and email often but I have seen him I think 5 times in the last two months - breakfast a couple times, to a movie, and sushi. He seemed to be working very hard on his sobriety. He seemed to, frankly, be a really great guy finally seeing his own issues, owning them and making amazing progress in his communication skills. He has been very interested in renewing our relationship. I have been wary but open and open with him about my concerns and reticence. While I am very impressed with the progress he has made and the work he is doing, I feel it would take more than @2 months of good behavior for me to believe his behavior has really changed.
A week ago, he showed up at my house during the day w/o notice. I was upset but ended up going to breakfast with him and sitting on my porch with him talking for some time. Despite my concern about him showing up unannounced, I genuinely enjoyed our conversation and time together.
We made plans to spend time together Sat. But, we went and got dinner Friday evening spur of the moment and things did not go well. I tried discussing some concerns about us becoming involved again and while it didn't turn into a "fight" we could not make progress. I texted when I got home that I appreciated his openness but felt there was a lot to process.
I assumed on Sat spending time together as planned was no longer assumed. At 5:30, I emailed letting him know I felt I needed to spend the evening alone but would touch base with him in the morning. Then, at 8:30 I called him just wanting to chat and not wanting him to feel down about not hanging out. I was very surprised when he told me he had just gotten off public transit and was walking to my house.
When he arrived at my house he was very agitated and immediately told me he was "at the end of his rope with me." I did not invite him inside but spent a little over an hr talking to him on my front porch. During that time he was pretty nasty - calling my a hypocrite, telling me I don't care about anyone but myself, and saying that I am "lucky I have never seen his temper" while also admitting he has done things like slapped me and thrown things at me in the past. I felt very uncomfortable and told him I no longer thought there was any question of us getting back together. We talked about this and he left around 10:30 pm.
A little after 2AM I woke up b/c my dog was freaking out - growling and agitated and running to the window. I noticed the motion detector light was on but figured it was the cat. I couldn't hear anything and decided I better take the dog out to pee since he'd woken up.
When I walked downstairs I saw that someone was standing on my front porch. I screamed. I then realized in was my ex. I opened the door and led him outside to the side of my home. I sat with him for about an hour. He was shifting from caustic and insulting to crying and asking me "why I had done this to us," etc. At one point I thought I smelled beer and asked if he had been drinking but he said no and I didn't question that that was the case. He began saying things that really scared me - that someday I would realize what a mistake I'd made, that I'd be sorry some day, etc. He then got up and entered my home to use the bathroom without asking at which point I told him to get out. During the preceding conversation I told him repeatedly and very clearly that if he ever came near my home without an invitation again I would have no choice but to call the police.
I locked all my deadbolts and went back to bed. Approximately 20 minutes later I heard him knocking on my door. I went downstairs. At this point I was really, really scared. I did not open the door to him. I got my phone and called him and told him to leave. He would not. I then hung up the phone and texted, "leave now." I was then very frightened and went and hid in my kitchen and could not see if he was there. At that point I decided to call 9-1-1.
About 10 minutes later I saw what looked to be lights from the cops and, assuming he was gone, opened the door to meet them on the porch. When I opened the door I saw he was still standing in my driveway. I screamed at him to "go away" and went back outside. He then began crossing the street at which point the cops intersected him, put him on the sidewalk and cuffed him.
The police told me he was "loaded" and would be taken in on violation of his probation for the DUI's. His court date was already scheduled for today. I have no idea if he is in custody, etc.
Despite all this - and despite the fact I spent yesterday feeling terrified, and freaked out he would be released and angry and seek some sort of retaliation - I have felt unbelievably heart sick about this today. I don't feel like I had any choice but to call the police. But I also am incredibly saddened this has happened and hate feeling like b/c of me his chance to avoid jail time on the DUI's is out the window. I know that's nuts - I didn't make him drink and I didn't make him come over here in the middle of the night. But I'm sitting here questioning everything...whether I should've just put him in a cab...whether I was wrong to feel so scared, etc. And resisting a very strong urge to email him and let him know that while I don't support his decisions I care about him and I am heartsick this is the outcome for him.
My head is going nuts. I expected the feelings of fear and anger. I did not expect to feel so sad that things have ended up this way for him.
The people in my life are great and supportive but also probably don't understand why on earth I have any sympathy for this guy anymore. So, am just hoping to hear from people who have been through this sort of thing. Was I wrong to call the cops? Is it anything but nuts to be wanting to talk to him? Has anyone else gone through this?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
I can totally understand feeling sad for him and wanting to talk to him. Despite all that's happened, you probably want him to be ok because you see the good in him, and his potential. I feel the same way about my XABF who recently vanished after he started drinking again. I'm sad for him because I can see how his life will turn out if he continues on this path, and it's heartbreaking. I'm sure this is how you feel about your bf. It's hard to accept that it is their life, and when it comes down to it, we can't change it for them. I guess I don't have any specific advice for you, but do know that you aren't alone in feeling this way.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by strawberrygirl 
The police told me he was "loaded" and would be taken in on violation of his probation for the DUI's. His court date was already scheduled for today. I have no idea if he is in custody, etc.
I know that's nuts - I didn't make him drink and I didn't make him come over here in the middle of the night. But I'm sitting here questioning everything...whether I should've just put him in a cab...whether I was wrong to feel so scared, etc. And resisting a very strong urge to email him and let him know that while I don't support his decisions I care about him and I am heartsick this is the outcome for him.
I know that's nuts - I didn't make him drink and I didn't make him come over here in the middle of the night. But I'm sitting here questioning everything...whether I should've just put him in a cab...whether I was wrong to feel so scared, etc. And resisting a very strong urge to email him and let him know that while I don't support his decisions I care about him and I am heartsick this is the outcome for him.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
But I also am incredibly saddened this has happened and hate feeling like b/c of me his chance to avoid jail time on the DUI's is out the window.
Last but not least, you did a public service by calling the cops. Loaded as he was, he would probably have driven his vehicle.
Be kind to yourself and go no contact with him. He is very sick and you don't need that in your life. There are plenty of nice sober men out there who will treat you with the respect and kindness you deserve.
Hugs
Ps: what would you rather do on Saturday night: Watch a movie with your BFF, go on a date with a nice gentleman, read a good book at home or have a drunken fool threaten you, stress you out and break into your house?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You didn't put him in jail. He did, through his actions.
I've had to make those phone calls and I know how you walk around feeling like you've ruined the life of this person... Conveniently forgetting that THERE WAS A GOOD REASON YOU CALLED THE COPS!!!
He was not respecting your boundaries, trespassing on your property after you told him to leave, and he was violating his bail conditions. The first was just unethical, the second and third criminal offenses.
I've had to make those phone calls and I know how you walk around feeling like you've ruined the life of this person... Conveniently forgetting that THERE WAS A GOOD REASON YOU CALLED THE COPS!!!
He was not respecting your boundaries, trespassing on your property after you told him to leave, and he was violating his bail conditions. The first was just unethical, the second and third criminal offenses.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when he was put on probation he was given a specific set of DOs and DON'Ts - a perfect outline on how to stay out of jail. if one truly cared to not get locked up again, EVER, one would follow that script...eh?
your ex did not. he violated the terms of his probation. he got drunk and out of control and stalked your house and entered without permission. YOU felt unsafe. you called the cops. that is what you DO when you are frightened of an intruder in your home.
really lends credence to the suggestion to go NO CONTACT with ex's.
your ex did not. he violated the terms of his probation. he got drunk and out of control and stalked your house and entered without permission. YOU felt unsafe. you called the cops. that is what you DO when you are frightened of an intruder in your home.
really lends credence to the suggestion to go NO CONTACT with ex's.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
You did the right thing calling the cops.
You felt your safety was at risk so you had every right to make that call.
Yes it is sad he is this way but you have made healthy choices for yourself & are moving forward with your life.
A word of advice, leave him behind & focus on yourself & your journey to a brighter future.
He will need to find sobriety for himself when & if he is ready.
Good luck.
We are here to support you & help you through.
Hugs.
You felt your safety was at risk so you had every right to make that call.
Yes it is sad he is this way but you have made healthy choices for yourself & are moving forward with your life.
A word of advice, leave him behind & focus on yourself & your journey to a brighter future.
He will need to find sobriety for himself when & if he is ready.
Good luck.
We are here to support you & help you through.
Hugs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You're getting a lot of good feedback, here. I would just add one thing. I would suggest you get a restraining order/order of protection, to reinforce your "no contact". The trespass at your home, together with the history of violence, would probably entitle you to one. I suggest you contact the domestic violence hotline and speak to a counselor. This guy will be back, I predict.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
He's your ex. You had a tumultuous relationship to begin with, and he's showing you it will remain that way if you let yourself get involved again. He made the choice to come to your home without an invite, to enter your home without permission. You gave him a clear boundary...come back uninvited and you would call the police. He violated that boundary, you had no choice.
Stay focused on your own sobriety, your own health. I agree you should go No Contact with him at this point, and get that restraining order sooner than later. You said he's been violent in the past....don't take a chance moving forward.
I wish you continued success with your own sober journey.
Stay focused on your own sobriety, your own health. I agree you should go No Contact with him at this point, and get that restraining order sooner than later. You said he's been violent in the past....don't take a chance moving forward.
I wish you continued success with your own sober journey.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I can totally relate to your scenario and conflicted emotions.
First, give it some time to sink in. Keep absolutely no contact with this guy until you sort out your head. You've just been terrified and it is really important to hold on to your reality and not get dismissive with yourself. Love yourself. Would you want your kid sister dealing with this? I bet not!
My AH pushed limits and still does, working his charm, playing games and knowing I would always be little miss nice in the end. I lied to the judge after a dv incident, sure he wouldn't hurt me like that again.
Only, five years later...it's worse.
A lot of people try to hint that I overreact because AH is very convincing.
But I am the one that was terrified for my life. Not the judge, the social circle, his parents.
You did the right thing. Now you have to get clear, crystal clear girlfriend. You got to hold on to your reality. It's your life.
First, give it some time to sink in. Keep absolutely no contact with this guy until you sort out your head. You've just been terrified and it is really important to hold on to your reality and not get dismissive with yourself. Love yourself. Would you want your kid sister dealing with this? I bet not!
My AH pushed limits and still does, working his charm, playing games and knowing I would always be little miss nice in the end. I lied to the judge after a dv incident, sure he wouldn't hurt me like that again.
Only, five years later...it's worse.
A lot of people try to hint that I overreact because AH is very convincing.
But I am the one that was terrified for my life. Not the judge, the social circle, his parents.
You did the right thing. Now you have to get clear, crystal clear girlfriend. You got to hold on to your reality. It's your life.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
"But I also am incredibly saddened this has happened and hate feeling like b/c of me his chance to avoid jail time on the DUI's is out the window. I know that's nuts..."
With three DUI's and domestic violence thrown in to boot he's a danger to society. It may be hard for you to see that but it's the truth. He needs to be locked up to protect the rest of us.
Perhaps you could look into counseling to understand why you would consider a relationship with someone that was violent with you. Often we do things that hurt ourselves without understanding why.
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