My story-with questions...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1
My story-with questions...
I have been lurking on here for a while now, and I feel blessed to have found this site!
I have been married to my 'functioning' alcoholic husband for 20 yrs and somtimes I wonder who has a problem, him or me?? He works hard everyday, is the social butterfly; the life of the party, will do anything for anyone. Then, there is the other side: He hides how much he drinks, hides how much he spends on his drinking, tells stupid little lies (why???), according to him, he does not have a drinking problem, therefore there is no reason to quit.
Years ago, I went to a few alanon meetings, but I really thought it was crazy: work on ME? No, I wanted to work on my husband and MAKE him stop drinking! Ha. So, I stopped going. I continued to nag, count beers, pout, withhold love, try to guilt him into stopping. Fast forward to the present....
Here I am, same situation, no solution, his drinking is getting worse, I am more depressed, lost, angry....
I feel like I have two options: to leave the marriage or to stay in it and stay as is. I don't really "get" all the inbetweens: stay in marriage, work on me and still be happy (how???--it seems impossible)--how can I happy in a one sided marriage? Doesnt it take two? He isn't able to share his feelings, grow as a couple, be there emotionally.
Help....
I have been married to my 'functioning' alcoholic husband for 20 yrs and somtimes I wonder who has a problem, him or me?? He works hard everyday, is the social butterfly; the life of the party, will do anything for anyone. Then, there is the other side: He hides how much he drinks, hides how much he spends on his drinking, tells stupid little lies (why???), according to him, he does not have a drinking problem, therefore there is no reason to quit.
Years ago, I went to a few alanon meetings, but I really thought it was crazy: work on ME? No, I wanted to work on my husband and MAKE him stop drinking! Ha. So, I stopped going. I continued to nag, count beers, pout, withhold love, try to guilt him into stopping. Fast forward to the present....
Here I am, same situation, no solution, his drinking is getting worse, I am more depressed, lost, angry....
I feel like I have two options: to leave the marriage or to stay in it and stay as is. I don't really "get" all the inbetweens: stay in marriage, work on me and still be happy (how???--it seems impossible)--how can I happy in a one sided marriage? Doesnt it take two? He isn't able to share his feelings, grow as a couple, be there emotionally.
Help....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Whether you stay married or not, you still have to take you with you. I work my Al Anon program not with the intent of fixing my marriage or forcing my husband to quit drinking. I work my program so that I can reveal to myself my own stinking thinking and fix it. People are not permanent fixtures on this planet and life is short, I know that, for me, I have to have my character flaws exposed so that I can release them and find peace within myself and for myself. Sorry for the run on sentence, LOL.
I encourage you to try Al Anon again, but this time forget about your husband's drinking. Alcoholics drink, that's just what they do. They also lie, manipulate, withdraw emotionally, etc. You already know all that so you might as well learn more about yourself and find your own path. If he comes along with you as you grow, that would be great. If he doesn't, that's OK too. But, the most important part is that you figure out how you got messed up in the process. I learned very early on that our progression was slow and insidious. It wasn't like one day I woke up and realized I was married to an alcoholic. There was a lot of denial and bull**it to sift through, my own twisted way of thinking where I minimized the problem, refused to see reality for what it was, etc. I've been married for 18 years and things just slowly progressed and the road had some ups along with some downs, but the drinking and the DUI and the fallout from that really opened my eyes to OUR problems. It wasn't just my husband who had issues, it was me too.
Sending you lots of support today!
I encourage you to try Al Anon again, but this time forget about your husband's drinking. Alcoholics drink, that's just what they do. They also lie, manipulate, withdraw emotionally, etc. You already know all that so you might as well learn more about yourself and find your own path. If he comes along with you as you grow, that would be great. If he doesn't, that's OK too. But, the most important part is that you figure out how you got messed up in the process. I learned very early on that our progression was slow and insidious. It wasn't like one day I woke up and realized I was married to an alcoholic. There was a lot of denial and bull**it to sift through, my own twisted way of thinking where I minimized the problem, refused to see reality for what it was, etc. I've been married for 18 years and things just slowly progressed and the road had some ups along with some downs, but the drinking and the DUI and the fallout from that really opened my eyes to OUR problems. It wasn't just my husband who had issues, it was me too.
Sending you lots of support today!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome, Coasting.
Read this: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html
My take, from my own experiences, is that yes - we end up just as sick as our alcoholic loved ones. Living like the article describes makes one CRAZY. I doubted everything by the time I finally packed my stuff and left. And I've never doubted myself before - my confidence was always pretty high. A few years of living with an alcoholic pretty much tore me down. How could it not?
But yes, you need support, understanding, and new tools to cope with this life you are living. Al-Anon can teach you that, but you have to accept that you are powerless over alcohol (your alcoholic) and yes, this limits many of your choices. But not the choice to live a good life regardless of staying or leaving him.
Keep reading, and keep coming back! Lots of wisdom here that can help answer your questions above.
~T
Read this: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html
My take, from my own experiences, is that yes - we end up just as sick as our alcoholic loved ones. Living like the article describes makes one CRAZY. I doubted everything by the time I finally packed my stuff and left. And I've never doubted myself before - my confidence was always pretty high. A few years of living with an alcoholic pretty much tore me down. How could it not?
But yes, you need support, understanding, and new tools to cope with this life you are living. Al-Anon can teach you that, but you have to accept that you are powerless over alcohol (your alcoholic) and yes, this limits many of your choices. But not the choice to live a good life regardless of staying or leaving him.
Keep reading, and keep coming back! Lots of wisdom here that can help answer your questions above.
~T
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Coastingalong, While i was not married to the alcoholic, our story has so very much in common.
The A in my life also a social butterfly, great gift of gab, appeared to be quite normal........ until we got home. As his disease progressed, the level of unacceptable also grew.
For me, the bottom line became clear, yes I loved him, yes I cared about him BUT he was making my life MISERABLE, I HAD to let go, to save myself.
And for awhile, I really believed that by leaving he would pull it together and find recovery. But he did not, and currently does not want to quit drinking, He likes to drink, that is who he currently is, nothing I can/could ever do to make him stop.
I can only suggest, take better care of YOU. You are going to need all the strength and wisdom you can find, to help guide you.
The A in my life also a social butterfly, great gift of gab, appeared to be quite normal........ until we got home. As his disease progressed, the level of unacceptable also grew.
For me, the bottom line became clear, yes I loved him, yes I cared about him BUT he was making my life MISERABLE, I HAD to let go, to save myself.
And for awhile, I really believed that by leaving he would pull it together and find recovery. But he did not, and currently does not want to quit drinking, He likes to drink, that is who he currently is, nothing I can/could ever do to make him stop.
I can only suggest, take better care of YOU. You are going to need all the strength and wisdom you can find, to help guide you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Burlington
Posts: 6
Everything you are saying is what I was saying two months ago.
Last week I ended my 2.5 year marriage with my alcoholic husband.
However three weeks ago I started working on myself. Reading, self care, therapy and lots of prayer. Reach out to loved ones. I found that once I shared "the secret" it was so theraputic and the outpouring of love is so healing. It was my second marriage and gosh darn it I was going to make it work. But his primary love is for his mistress "alcohol". She really pisses me off....lol
There was a lot of relief for me when I accepted that.
Whether you stay in the relationship or not, CARE for yourself. HEAL
Last week I ended my 2.5 year marriage with my alcoholic husband.
However three weeks ago I started working on myself. Reading, self care, therapy and lots of prayer. Reach out to loved ones. I found that once I shared "the secret" it was so theraputic and the outpouring of love is so healing. It was my second marriage and gosh darn it I was going to make it work. But his primary love is for his mistress "alcohol". She really pisses me off....lol
There was a lot of relief for me when I accepted that.
Whether you stay in the relationship or not, CARE for yourself. HEAL
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Québec Canada
Posts: 46
Coastingalong; I think we have the same spouse...
I felt like you, why am I in therapy if he has the problem? Last Fall things were pretty bad, and I tried to convince him to seek help (again!). He did not agree to go by himself; he wanted for us to go to couples therapy, I wanted him to go to AA. I finally agreed, thinking, maybe the couples therapist will make him see he has a drinking problem. We ended up starting couples therapy in April (I'd asked him to take care of making the arrangements in December, I don't know about other alcholics, but mine is a champ at procrastination!)
So, now we're in therapy...but I don't know if this will help us get better, as I still feel that as long as he has not faced the fact that he has a drinking problem, we will not be able to move forward...He thinks if I just stop focussing on his "hypothetical" drinking problem, we'd be better off....I feel like I'm stuck in a conundrum....
I felt like you, why am I in therapy if he has the problem? Last Fall things were pretty bad, and I tried to convince him to seek help (again!). He did not agree to go by himself; he wanted for us to go to couples therapy, I wanted him to go to AA. I finally agreed, thinking, maybe the couples therapist will make him see he has a drinking problem. We ended up starting couples therapy in April (I'd asked him to take care of making the arrangements in December, I don't know about other alcholics, but mine is a champ at procrastination!)
So, now we're in therapy...but I don't know if this will help us get better, as I still feel that as long as he has not faced the fact that he has a drinking problem, we will not be able to move forward...He thinks if I just stop focussing on his "hypothetical" drinking problem, we'd be better off....I feel like I'm stuck in a conundrum....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 136
((Hugs to You))
I was married 15 years and for the first 8 never realized alcohol may be the problem. The pain you're going through is very real and hurts. I am now divorced but it took a long time to detach. I found no help either with Al Anon. I am still working through my depression. He quickly moved on to someone else. Here are some things that worked for me:
-I picked up extra work & saving money for divorce--just in case. This kept me busier and away from him
-I started doing something physical away from him in evenings to put some distance--walking & bike riding became my therapy better than support groups
-Stop counting (you can't control what he drinks)
-Stop nagging or trying to get him to go for help (you can't cure it)
-Every time you want to focus on him stop yourself (you did not cause this, you can only work on yourself)
Work a plan & keep posting--I always look for suggestions from others to help me through it--almost 1 year from divorce & still reeling from the hurt & rejection.
You're in my thoughts.
I was married 15 years and for the first 8 never realized alcohol may be the problem. The pain you're going through is very real and hurts. I am now divorced but it took a long time to detach. I found no help either with Al Anon. I am still working through my depression. He quickly moved on to someone else. Here are some things that worked for me:
-I picked up extra work & saving money for divorce--just in case. This kept me busier and away from him
-I started doing something physical away from him in evenings to put some distance--walking & bike riding became my therapy better than support groups
-Stop counting (you can't control what he drinks)
-Stop nagging or trying to get him to go for help (you can't cure it)
-Every time you want to focus on him stop yourself (you did not cause this, you can only work on yourself)
Work a plan & keep posting--I always look for suggestions from others to help me through it--almost 1 year from divorce & still reeling from the hurt & rejection.
You're in my thoughts.
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