TRex

My hands are shaking as a I type this because I feel like I am being disloyal to my husband just by looking at this site. We have been together for almost 11 years (second marriage for both of us). We have 5 children total (1 together) and three living at home. I have stayed in the past because I really thought it would get better. I stay now, not for the kids, but because of them I know I need a plan and I don't have one. Our son together is 6 years old and he adores his father. I am terrified of what this will do to all of us, but mostly him. How do those of you brave enough to leave handle visitation? I cannot leave town for a night, let alone a weekend for fear that he will pass out and not hear him in the night, or not realize he has a fever (our son has a lot of health problems), or worse still that our son would discover him dead. All of the financial obstacles I know I could figure out if I had to, but this in my mind is the scariest thing. I feel like at least right now I can shelter him from the worst of it. I have physically restrained my husband from going into his room when he is intoxicated. I will not allow him to drive any of us if he has been drinking, etc., but if he had visitation all that "control" is out the window.

DreamsofSerenity

Welcome to SR, TRex..

You are not being disloyal to your husband. You have every right to to take care of yourself.

I did not have children with an Alcoholic but there are many people on here who have. Some have figured out ways to leave, and others have stayed. They will be along shortly to offer you support and encouragement.

Please keep posting. This is a wonderful place for you right now.

Shellcrusher

Hello and Welcome TRex.
I'm happy you found us but sad that you had to.

You sound like you're trying to do and think of the next best thing. That's good. Very good. It sounds like you've put some barriers in place. Physical or not and I'm not being cheeky.

Here's the thing that I've learned. Do only what you have the power to do. Perhaps it's something as simple as calming your shaking hands and breath. You haven't done anything wrong. The time for talking about custody and visitation will come when that time comes.

I understand your concern for the boy. My son is 4 years old. I learned here that I need to put myself 1st. My boy comes next at #2. I don't know if there is a #3 in my life. Think of it this way. If my hands are shaky like yours, I'll have a hard time controlling a gentle touch on my sons face. Conversely, if I can master my shaking hands first, I can more easily give my son the tenderness he deserves.

I know you're trembling right now. I was too and I still do when I'm fired up. That's normal and so are you. What's not normal is the environment you're in.

Keep reading, keep posting. You've found a massive resource. Others will be along to offer their support and hope.

SparkleKitty

Hi TRex and welcome. Glad you're here, but sorry for the reason why.

Others with more relevant experience will be along soon, but if you have not spoken to a lawyer about your situation, please do so as soon as you can.

fluffyflea

What about supervised visits if you split?

You aren,t being disloyal to him by being here,you are being loyal to you and your kids.

Shellcrusher

Thanks for the post Allavita.
TRex expressed concerns that I share with her and you gave a real time answer.

TRex

Thank you to everyone who responded. There are obviously no easy answers. I know he would not agree or see the need for supervised visitation. He does not think he has a problem. He would say that I drink too and there is no difference. Sometimes I do because it is the only way we seem to communicate about anything, but 99.9% of the time I am the responsible, sober, adult. It's exhausting. He is clearly unhappy with our marriage, but he puts everything back on me saying I am the unhappy one. He does not seem able to take accountability for anything. He said in a drunken rage last week that the only reason he puts up with me and my boys (they are older from my previous marriage) is because of our son. The next day of course he doesn't mean it, but today he is convinced that I am the one who wants out. He says he won't give up drinking because it's the only thing he has left from his old life before he met me.

Florence

Remember, he can *say* anything. Believe me, my ex did and I had to answer for it in court. But since none of his claims were substantiated, noen of them were taken seriously, and the judge gave him a spanking for making baseless accusations.

Has he suffered legal or occupational consequences for his drinking? Who has taken on the majority of childcare to date? Could he pass a drug test? Information like this is on your side. See a lawyer with this kind of information and see what your prospects are. A consultation should be free.

Quish16

Hi Trex
Please don't feel guilty about posting and using this site - you aren't being disloyal. You need to get all the help and support you can. You will find many of us are in similar situations - I can't leave because of my cats. I can relate to your comment ' he doesn't take accountability for anything' because alcoholics tend to blame anyone but themselves.
There are never any easy answers in your and probably most of our situations but hopefully you know you aren't alone.
Take care

Catherine628

Welcome Trex. My husband and I have 2 daughters ages 5 and 9. We have been separated for 1 month. I spoke with lawyers prior to the separation and it really helped me decide on a path. Our state does not have legal separation so I would have needed to file for divorce and I just am not ready emotionally. My AH had one scary violent episode with me and the lawyers said that episode plus his drinking was enough to ask for supervised visits, ask that he never be allowed to drive the children, and put a protective order in place for my safety. I was told that video evidence can be very helpful. I have a video of the girls trying to wake him when he is passed out and one of him interacting with the girls when he was slurring/stumbling. Those were the only ones I felt safe getting.

They asked me if we had any relatives that could supervise visits but unfortunately we live far from any family.

My husband eventually agreed to let me take the girls out of state to be near extended family. The girls talk and skype with him. He was drinking 24/7, not eating or working, vomiting multiple times/day, being verbally abusive, not taking care of his hygiene, and passing out daily when we left. Our girls deserve more than that so I am giving him the dignity to straighten out his life and choose to be the dad they need. I still feel tremendous guilt at times but I also feel a sense of peace I havent felt in a long time. My 5 year old is handling it well. If I ask her if she misses daddy she says yes but he needs to get better. I couldn't agree more.

It is one day at a time for us. This website and al-anon have been wonderful.

Good luck to you.