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Venting (long)...things are coming together and getting clearer



Venting (long)...things are coming together and getting clearer

Old 07-10-2013, 08:08 PM
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Venting (long)...things are coming together and getting clearer

Working my program...have gone from an emotional mess as my daughter relapsed as a heroin addict in January to now.

Went back to working my program with alcoholic husband...realized that I had slipped a long way with him.

Venting--just for today--need to get it out of my system:

Wasn't able to go look for daughter last weekend...new used car broke down on freeway...and thank God my older daughter helped me to add me to roadside assistance. All my frustration with family and lack of support, etc. came out...but it felt good...it was a 'come to Jesus' that I am in this alone.
Middle daughter and oldest son (who live in my chi chi old hometown--we moved there 26 years ago) continue to be nasty and indifferent, respectively. Although I was trying to patch things up with son...he has indicated he wants nothing to do with me...too busy or whatever. It is hard, but I realize that these two have always had these personalities and were the first ones to turn away from any difficult situation...so it is their personality and I can't change it.

Now that I am out of the climate...and although I tried everything not to bring them up in the entitled and privileged manner that most parents did...I realize that our choice of hometown (because hubby was able to do two fixer-uppers there and not because we were chi chi), had it's impact.

My son (long time binge drinker at age 30) has asked me not to contact him...so I will comply. My daughter (ex crystal meth addict and now drinker) simply wants to know how soon I can take my cat, although I haven't been able to save up enough money yet to get an apartment and our credit check from the bankruptcy is not yet 2 years old...so the credit check is going to be tough to pass. Asking my HP to lead me...simply can't obsess anymore. She can chill her jets.

I am going to my grandgirls birthday party on Saturday, as she did get back to me with an invite...this yesterday after two weeks of being verbally abusive and blaming. I finally stopped answering...6 days went by and then yesterday's invite came.

I hate to sound cynical, but she is very appearance oriented, manipulative and calculating...and her family has always done for and worked her parties...including entertaining family from the father's side who don't get along. Won't be doing any of that, but will be there for the girls. The 3 C's at work here. Seeing the same personality qualities from family of origin and hubby's family (a sister--one out of 6) and definitely can't change that.

I continue to be in NC with mother (from February--most of my closest friends and therapists from 10 years ago asked me why I waited so long...so I guess I did a good thing)...that family continues to confuse emotional for 'mentally unstable' and since it has now been picked up by these two kids...I just need to chill and let it all go. The 3 C's at work here.

My hubby (AH) is acting like a lost soul and just wants endless lifting up emotionally, but continues to support the kids and to have his own relationship with them. The 3 C's at work here...and I am not talking to him as much as I did before our move. I don't know what will happen there, but I am so tired of lifting and carrying victims...only to be cr*ped on afterwards...and doing my codependency work and taking more and more steps to take care of myself.

I am exhausted...but he is pushing me to find the apartment before he comes to visit in August which I am paying no attention to. He is coming in August because he 'can't stand missing me' and to 'help me move' but I am not holding my breath anymore...and will do what I need to do when I need to do it...I have had so much crap in so little time...that I am just going with my own flow.

He knows he has to work when he gets back, and says he is working hard down there...but I have seen that a thousand times and he still overuses the labor he pays and brings home nothing (self employed) so just putting that in the hands of my higher power. I have been sending him internet job alerts...as when his business went down three years ago...he only interviewed for one job and said he was too old and no one would hire him. That is not an option. Of course, he had no trouble pressuring me to work throughout.

The friends who have received me are long-time friends of hubby and mine...and they are wonderful...so this is a safe and healing place...with no pushing, controlling or judgment. My work is that way too...and that is a miracle...since 2007 and the onset of the depression in CA, my work places have been political, negative and undermining...people never act their best when money is short...tends to be 'everyman for him(her)self'.

I am in contact with the handful of really good and good hearted friends I have...and adding back one at a time...as the spirit indicates I am ready. So few were able to stand by me in my emotional time...especially after it really hit that daughter had relapsed, family (including hubby) had washed their hands, and that I didn't really know where to go or what to do. I went through a codependency relapse similar to what happened when Dad died and I realized that Mom was a 'pull for herself' kind of person...and she simply disappeared from my life...to travel and have fun with friends...without ever even communicating again.

Wish I had been smart enough not to try so hard with her and sister (who hated her prior)..would have saved me a lot of pain...but then again, at least I just let go completely...so able to handle the adult kids reactions without too much processing...although the heart hurt with my son's communications (30 years old)...and I am pissed with the middle daughter (26 years old)...but it's not my life and I am ready to let go.

Now I know that they are not givers in any way, shape or form...and that is simply what it is. I really get tired of learning that I have given and given and given...and then find out that the person I have really given to the most...cr*ps on me. At least I know the 3 C's.

Will work on going to the city on Saturday to seek daughter...and my friend's son has offered to go with me when he gets back from NY. This will be helpful.

I am very grateful for this site...as I really feel the need to do stuff on my own now. Hubby is a good friend, but given the adjustments we had to make in Chile...his family was only supportive to him and expected me to do even more than I have and am doing (I learned in Chile that the husband's sisters are like mother-in-laws and my own mother-in-law passed 40 years ago...so it was quite a shock to learn that I had two mother-in-laws).

They do not have a concept of codependency there and the culture allows men to do anything they want while women work in the background and put up with everything and over time become negative, aggressive, domineering and demanding wives and mothers. Not something I wanted to learn from and they pressured me to do more and more for hubby...plus apparently, down there...women have their families and men have their families where the sisters and mothers boss their wives around and give orders...so that was a non-starter for me...but I let him make his own decisions) plus I have had 1 sister, 2 of 3 of one sister's family and 3 of 3 of the others...and a couple for several years.

I told him that I have done enough (as only one of those people we have had in our home over the years called more than once in 1 1/2 years)...and the chileans that were in out of my spiritual circle and my parents (80 and 83 years old, respectively, and love hubby too) or who I met, in general, are not appreciative...at least compared to my own personality and those souls I am surrounded with here...very practical, black & white in thinking and survival oriented (me, me, me).

Thank God I had my spiritual friends...and ultimately those are the only people I hung out with...and started getting better and better, instead of forcing myself to be with these people who I have loved (yes, I only knew them on visits, but still loved), given to generously (they apparently decided we were rich...and when I told them we weren't...they stopped calling hubby altogether), and my beach and rocks and this site and a lot of good things...unfortunately non of which hubby likes or enjoys so he didn't lift himself and it was getting harder and harder to lift him.

I took my friend in recovery's (who also similar situation and also an active addict kid who is out of contact) advice about not being the scapegoat anymore...and the kids are up in arms. They have told me that they want me to go back to the 'good' person I was. Well, not going to happen...I am good and better now and have learned through two hard phases...Dad's death...and now...hitting bottom on all fronts...exactly who they are towards me...and that their Dad has no intention of standing up for me...and so I have let go of that too.

OK--know this is long...but needed to vent it out...the request for NC from son broke my heart today, but it is mending already and I am ready to move on. I am praying to find a good apartment so that I can leave behind my disillusionment of the apartment that hubby told me was our backup plan and was a 'share' situation and 'backup plan' for us if Chile didn't work out...but that he has allowed the daughter to take over without a wimper and again expected me to do the adjustments.

Well, that is all. I am working on moving on and upward...and really getting my old anger and self blame (for not being enough) gone and to let the people who trigger that in me go. I have lived my whole life wanted united family...from the time my Dad's family broke up over money when I was 12. It is time, however, to let Go and let God...cuz I certainly haven't made what I wanted happen.

I am sorry to sound so disillusioned or perhaps even blaming, but need to process this out...and when I have...more positive actions will come to me and I will follow them. Just trying to speed the process.

I will be exploring some good things as soon as the apartment is ironed out, and God willing, my cat...who is still in the daughter's apartment...is relocated. Have nowhere else for him until I move. She already got rid of the other cat without telling me...but Spunky is old (about 13) and has been my 'care' cat for so long...and I know he will do better when he is with me...and I want him to finish his years with me. I just wish I could move faster.

Maybe another round of painting, as in Chile...working on genealogy for a friend whose roots go back to New Mexico and the Spanish conquistadores...1598...amazingly rich heritage...and my own. If anyone is ever interested in me doing something as a starter...just PM me and I would love to do it...it is something that is fascinating for me.

Well, off to read a book and to chill.

Despite the above and the accompanying feelings...I am jazzed for the new chance to start over...and all the possibilities I can see now, but was too exhausted and depleted to see when we moved to Chile last August. It is like the world has new colors...and that is exciting. The sooner I am able to let go of the rest and just focus on myself and daughter...and to some extent hubby...but he has to pull his weight too...he finally made an appointment to talk to a doctor yesterday (for the 24th), because I know he is depressed, but too stubborn to admit it ... and I take all my meds faithfully, but can no longer take the stress that I have had over the past 16 years...maybe age or whatever...so I told him he has to do his own self care too.

God Bless everyone and thank you for listening.
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Old 07-11-2013, 10:06 AM
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Good for you, iris.

Sounds like a lot of progress made on your part. I hope you feel proud of yourself today! Your recovery is shining!

Peace,
~T
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