izzyrose05

I think he is sobering up..well, I don't think he is sober, but I don't think he is on the bender anymore. He is still spewing hate although less frequently. I can't take that he hates me. That our last words were so negative.

He's got three thousand dollars of my money that he has found a way to justify in keeping. He has done me wrong in so many ways while drunk, but He was good when he was sober. Gave me more than any other man ever did.

I just want him to know that I wish him well. I don't want to leave it with hate. I don't want to be condescending or sarcastic. I just want him to know that it was real for me. And that now, I just wish him and his son luck.

Maybe one day he will look back on an email like that and realize I was good.

I don't know. I just feel like I need to be positive. I obviously want to, but I also don't want to start any further crazy **** that will spiral out of control.

Is this a really bad idea? Is it an OK idea? or am I asking for trouble? I need help. I think I'm looking for closure. The idea that he walks away with hate in his heart is overwhelming to me. I know I keep coming back here with the same issue but it is that difficult for me to get passed.

Help!

Argnotthisagain

Hey izzy....

My opinion is, you totally can, if that's what you want.

NC is about protecting your own feelings and fragile self. Thats all. Not a rule that the codie police are gonna come get you for breaking.
So....
Well, I think a seasoned recovery person would say that you might want to get honest with youself about your motives. To help you understand the decision you make and make it wise.

If you took a moment to reflect, do you think there's any other craving going on behind the desire for closure?

And how would you take it if he was a dickweed in response? Would you be re-determined to claim your empowerment away from him? Or would you crumble into a soggy mass of used and nasty Kleenex?

Just questions to think about....

And also...you still have support here no matter what you decide to do

LexieCat

Yes. No. Yes. Look, izzy, your sending him one more email will not change a thing. He isn't going to suddenly say to himself, "Wow, I really screwed up a good thing, this woman is awesome, I am going to get sober and be a man worthy of her devotion."

Will. Not. Happen.

The most that would happen is that he would come back temporarily to mess with your head a little bit more, suck you back in (further) and maybe extract a bit more money from you before you are forced to break it off again, at which point he will again spew hate at you.

YOU DO NOT NEED CLOSURE. You NEED peace in your life, which you will never have in this relationship.

You asked for opinions, that one is mine.

ZenMe

+1 to Lexie's comment. he isn't even going to remember or take your e-mail to heart anyway. Maybe right down what you feel on a piece of paper, read it, then aim for the trashcan. In other words make peace with it in your own way without him.

izzyrose05

Thank you ladies and gent. EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Damn, don't know what I'd do without you guys. Swimming in circles with a shark I suppose.

Man, I love you guys. I will read this over and over again.

dandylion

Izzy, remember that you would not be talking to the real person--you would be talking to the alcoholic mind. The alcohol still rules his thinking and attitudes. His reality is altered.
Even if his BAC is zero--he still has the alcoholic brain going on.

It is your decision in the end, of course--like Argnotthisagain said, the codie police are not going to come and get yo (lol). Personally, I think the kind of e-mail you are thinking about is best sent after one is in actual recovery.

I once wrote a letter to a boyfriend after a very painful breakup---and put it in a box, promising myself to send it to him in 6months. After the six months, guess what? i threw it away. I had just met the guy who, later, became my sweet husband.

Just think about it. You do not need his validation.

dandylion

LexieCat

dandylion has a good idea. I wrote all kinds of letters to my second husband before and after I left him, but did not mail a single one. I suggest if you do that, you do it on paper, and not email. It's too easy to impulsively hit "send" even if you plan not to do that.

Put it away, like she suggested, for AT LEAST six months--heck, make it a year. I have a feeling a year from now you will have no desire whatsoever to have anything further to do with him. You will be on the road to an awesome new life with all kinds of possibilities. No way you will want to go back to someone who uses you and then spews hate at you.

izzyrose05

I did that with the last x. I have about 548 unsent emails in my draft folder. LMAO It took me a year of going in circles with the last one before I wised up and stopped sending them. I don't want to do that again. I am the Queen of unsent emails. And it does help. I wrote the email, no address in the address bar. And it sits there. Sometimes I read them and I feel better.

Thank you Lexie for being so blunt. It's a great kick in the ass and reminder of what the reality really is.

And to Argnoth....(your name is incredibly long and difficult to spell..LOL), I think you were right when you suggested my motives might be more than just closure. So I digress.

Going to go watch The Bachelorette now. Because I am nothing if not a glutton for punishment. Aye yi yi!

dandylion

Izzy, I am going to watch the bachelorette, now, too!!!!

dandylion

I love good trashy mind pulp!

LexieCat

No, it's simple: Arg! Not THIS again! You just string it together.

AnvilheadII

the Bachelorette? really?

DreamsofSerenity

Lexie's response was classic! This is a great thread. I still fight the urge to contact my ex. I'm doing okay with it but it does take some reminding and support from SR. Thanks, everyone.

LexieCat

LOL, yes, there is something a bit, um, ironic about that.

izzyrose05

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA. YES, REALLY! LMAO OFF NOW. I actually laugh so hard at the ridiculousness of it. So easy to pick out other people's bad decisions. Oh My Goodness, I'm gonna pee my pants, I'm laughing so hard!

DreamsofSerenity

What I do is really try to get honest with myself. I think of all the reasons I've come up with to contact my ex, and then apply them to someone I genuinely never want to speak to again in my life. For example, if the person I never wanted to speak to again had my furniture, would it be worth it to speak to him to get it back?. Or if that same person had written me a sappy drunk email, would good manners obligate me to respond to him? That helps me unravel the ******** I tell myself.

DreamsofSerenity

Didn't see the bachelorette thing.. That IS funny.

AnvilheadII

it's.not.real.

dandylion

Of course it is not real. I criticize it and make fun of it. It is cruel and too competitive and not reflective of real dating at all. I could never be a part of something like that because it is too cruel and scarey.

AND I NEVER MISS A SINGLE SEGMENT!!! Don' you all tell anybody!
Isn't that wild. I just believe that we humans are so interested in other humans and their behaviors that it is like a moth to the flame. Pairing and reproduction is at the core of of all of us---at least, we are wired for it.

O.K.....personally, I am partial to the sweet guy with the (I think) autistic sister. He seems so genuine and transparent. The guy who looks too much like GQ is going to screw her over, I think. I could go on........

Sorry for going sort of off topic, everyone!

dandylion

mv6348

Remember, because one last time is NEVER going to be enough. You want more for sure....

Just recognize your true intentions behind on WHY are you writing to him.

Base on my experience.... always AIM and move forward... EVEN IF IT IS HARD!