And it starts again...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: canada
Posts: 16
And it starts again...
I can't believe I am back here again (not here as in soberrecovery, but my life).
The last time I posted was about 2 years ago. (the site won't let me post a link, You can probably do a search, if you want the background on me)
I thought life was bad then, but it got worse. My son (20 at the time), was hospitalized for nearly 2 months shortly after I posted. At that point, he had undiagnosed schizophrenia. It was a very stressful time for all of us. Business didn't pick up for me, and my AH didn't handle our son's illness/hospitalization very well and he started drinking even more. By the end of the 2011, our son had to move back home, as he could not support himself on the measly government assistance he was getting.
Jan 2012 marks the start of the worst 6 months of my life...AH's was suffering from insomnia and Meniere's disease (he had vertigo, dizziness, nausea etc) and he started working sporadically January to March. He was laid of at the end off the March for missing so much work.
On April 1st, our landlord gave us 3 months notice to move. His family was moving back to the city and wanted to live in the house we had been renting for 15 years. My AH's drinking spiraled out of control and made his Meniere's disease worse - He had an Meniere's attack that lasted over 2 months. He wasn't working.
Finally in May and June, my business picked up. My son and I looked hard for a new home to rent. I had already told my AH that we were moving and he had to find his own place. The vacancy rate was less that 3% and rents were 30% more than what we were currently renting. I was panicking. We had no money for damage deposit and hook up costs (electric/gas) and no place to move.
Halfway through June, things were starting to look up. We finally found a place to rent, my son qualified for financial assistance for severe disabilities (much more than he was getting before) plus we managed to convince my AH to go to Detox and he did. He was there 5 days (was supposed to be 7) and he came home and was worse than ever. I started coming home from work and finding him stuck between the end of the bed and the dresser or lying on the floor in the bedroom or in the hallway. He wasn't making it to the bathroom and was wetting himself/the bed. That week was a total blackout for him (he doesn't remember anything) and he was sleeping all the time. I was so worried/scared for him. I was going to counselling to help deal with what was going on. I was scared what would happen to him if he didn't have a place to live when he was in the condition he was in. I also didn't know who to call for help when I found him drunk on the floor etc. Somehow, 3 days before we had to move, he sobered up. He helped us finish packing and helped us move.
I should have stuck to my guns and cut ties then - he asked if he could stay for a few days until he could make some money and find his own place. I let him.
Things were actually ok. My business for July and August was the busiest ever! My AH was working again and though he hadn't quit drinking, he had cut down considerably and was pleasant to be around. That didn't last too long though. By November, he was drinking more and by Christmas I told that this was no longer working for me. In the first week of January, he asked me to take him to detox. He stayed the whole time and came home sober. The kids were really happy to have a sober dad. He started a new job and was working hard and making lots of money. He was great to be around. He was sober until last week.
I had a feeling it wouldn't last, and just felt like I was waiting for it to happen. I wish I would have planned better. After a discussion tonight, he told me that when he was in detox he was asked about why he drank, he said it was to help him deal with (what he sees as) my dysfunctions. He told me that being sober for the last 6 months made it very clear that we don't work as a couple - because of my dysfunctions. (this sounds familiar! didn't I write about this the very first time I posted 3 years ago?)
He says he has stuck around because he doesn't think that I can take care of the kids (22 and 11) fully on my own. I find that funny since for the first 6 months of living here, I was paying for 2/3 of all the house bills (my son paid 1/3) and all our daughters expenses (school, clothes, dental/medical, lessons etc) because he wasn't working steadily. I also get my daughter off to school everyday, I am home most lunches (she can stay at school for lunch), I am home when my daughter gets home from school, I attend all her school functions and take her to all her lessons, I help her with her homework, I take my son to all his doctors appointments, I do all the grocery shopping. etc. etc. etc. How am I not able to take care of the kids?
He got snarky with me because I wasn't saying anything throughout this one sided discussion - what am I supposed to say when he is attacking my character? In my experience, If I try to say anything, he counters it with more attacks; if I just walk away, I am running away from the problem. Sigh. Tonight was all too familiar.
I am feeling stuck right now. Again. Crap. My son and I signed a one year lease. Our landlord still has to come by to pick up rent and to bring over papers to renew our lease. My son feels he is ready to move out again (he told me this a few months ago). I told him that he couldn't move until our lease was up, but even then, he couldn't just move out, we both needed to plan for it. I didn't know where my relationship with his father stood and I couldn't afford the rent on my own. He hasn't planned anything and neither have I.
I was doing really well financially since last summer. I have registered and paid for 2 more courses (I am finished in a couple of weeks) to improve my business/employability. And for some reason, business has come to a grinding halt. I know it will pick up again in the fall, but that doesn't help right now.
Our city just finished experiencing the biggest overland flood (from rain and spring run off) in the last century and the city is still in a state of emergency. My sister is homeless and living with our parents right now because her apartment building was flooded and may be condemned. She may be living with our parents for a while since the vacancy rate is only about 1% right now and rents are even higher now (2 bedroom rentals are going for the same price as the 3 bedroom place we currently rent).
If my AH could have stayed sober, I would be almost be ok with being roommates (which is what our 25 year relationship has become). But I can't handle the discussions that happen when he has had a few drinks (they always turn into personal attacks on me). At this point, I feel we are stuck for another year or at least another 6 months (I don't think we can do a month to month lease at this point). Plus none of us can afford the rentals that are available now.
Wow. That was long. If you read all that, thanks for reading.
Any words of wisdom/support is appreciated.
The last time I posted was about 2 years ago. (the site won't let me post a link, You can probably do a search, if you want the background on me)
I thought life was bad then, but it got worse. My son (20 at the time), was hospitalized for nearly 2 months shortly after I posted. At that point, he had undiagnosed schizophrenia. It was a very stressful time for all of us. Business didn't pick up for me, and my AH didn't handle our son's illness/hospitalization very well and he started drinking even more. By the end of the 2011, our son had to move back home, as he could not support himself on the measly government assistance he was getting.
Jan 2012 marks the start of the worst 6 months of my life...AH's was suffering from insomnia and Meniere's disease (he had vertigo, dizziness, nausea etc) and he started working sporadically January to March. He was laid of at the end off the March for missing so much work.
On April 1st, our landlord gave us 3 months notice to move. His family was moving back to the city and wanted to live in the house we had been renting for 15 years. My AH's drinking spiraled out of control and made his Meniere's disease worse - He had an Meniere's attack that lasted over 2 months. He wasn't working.
Finally in May and June, my business picked up. My son and I looked hard for a new home to rent. I had already told my AH that we were moving and he had to find his own place. The vacancy rate was less that 3% and rents were 30% more than what we were currently renting. I was panicking. We had no money for damage deposit and hook up costs (electric/gas) and no place to move.
Halfway through June, things were starting to look up. We finally found a place to rent, my son qualified for financial assistance for severe disabilities (much more than he was getting before) plus we managed to convince my AH to go to Detox and he did. He was there 5 days (was supposed to be 7) and he came home and was worse than ever. I started coming home from work and finding him stuck between the end of the bed and the dresser or lying on the floor in the bedroom or in the hallway. He wasn't making it to the bathroom and was wetting himself/the bed. That week was a total blackout for him (he doesn't remember anything) and he was sleeping all the time. I was so worried/scared for him. I was going to counselling to help deal with what was going on. I was scared what would happen to him if he didn't have a place to live when he was in the condition he was in. I also didn't know who to call for help when I found him drunk on the floor etc. Somehow, 3 days before we had to move, he sobered up. He helped us finish packing and helped us move.
I should have stuck to my guns and cut ties then - he asked if he could stay for a few days until he could make some money and find his own place. I let him.
Things were actually ok. My business for July and August was the busiest ever! My AH was working again and though he hadn't quit drinking, he had cut down considerably and was pleasant to be around. That didn't last too long though. By November, he was drinking more and by Christmas I told that this was no longer working for me. In the first week of January, he asked me to take him to detox. He stayed the whole time and came home sober. The kids were really happy to have a sober dad. He started a new job and was working hard and making lots of money. He was great to be around. He was sober until last week.
I had a feeling it wouldn't last, and just felt like I was waiting for it to happen. I wish I would have planned better. After a discussion tonight, he told me that when he was in detox he was asked about why he drank, he said it was to help him deal with (what he sees as) my dysfunctions. He told me that being sober for the last 6 months made it very clear that we don't work as a couple - because of my dysfunctions. (this sounds familiar! didn't I write about this the very first time I posted 3 years ago?)
He says he has stuck around because he doesn't think that I can take care of the kids (22 and 11) fully on my own. I find that funny since for the first 6 months of living here, I was paying for 2/3 of all the house bills (my son paid 1/3) and all our daughters expenses (school, clothes, dental/medical, lessons etc) because he wasn't working steadily. I also get my daughter off to school everyday, I am home most lunches (she can stay at school for lunch), I am home when my daughter gets home from school, I attend all her school functions and take her to all her lessons, I help her with her homework, I take my son to all his doctors appointments, I do all the grocery shopping. etc. etc. etc. How am I not able to take care of the kids?
He got snarky with me because I wasn't saying anything throughout this one sided discussion - what am I supposed to say when he is attacking my character? In my experience, If I try to say anything, he counters it with more attacks; if I just walk away, I am running away from the problem. Sigh. Tonight was all too familiar.
I am feeling stuck right now. Again. Crap. My son and I signed a one year lease. Our landlord still has to come by to pick up rent and to bring over papers to renew our lease. My son feels he is ready to move out again (he told me this a few months ago). I told him that he couldn't move until our lease was up, but even then, he couldn't just move out, we both needed to plan for it. I didn't know where my relationship with his father stood and I couldn't afford the rent on my own. He hasn't planned anything and neither have I.
I was doing really well financially since last summer. I have registered and paid for 2 more courses (I am finished in a couple of weeks) to improve my business/employability. And for some reason, business has come to a grinding halt. I know it will pick up again in the fall, but that doesn't help right now.
Our city just finished experiencing the biggest overland flood (from rain and spring run off) in the last century and the city is still in a state of emergency. My sister is homeless and living with our parents right now because her apartment building was flooded and may be condemned. She may be living with our parents for a while since the vacancy rate is only about 1% right now and rents are even higher now (2 bedroom rentals are going for the same price as the 3 bedroom place we currently rent).
If my AH could have stayed sober, I would be almost be ok with being roommates (which is what our 25 year relationship has become). But I can't handle the discussions that happen when he has had a few drinks (they always turn into personal attacks on me). At this point, I feel we are stuck for another year or at least another 6 months (I don't think we can do a month to month lease at this point). Plus none of us can afford the rentals that are available now.
Wow. That was long. If you read all that, thanks for reading.
Any words of wisdom/support is appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Could you get a roommate, even temporarily, after your son moves out? Sometimes college students are looking for a semester's lodging, and that would give you some breathing time to get your business up and rolling again and maybe save a little for later.
Or could your sister move in temporarily instead of staying with your parents, and pay rent?
This is a terribly tough time for you, and I'm sending all my support and will be thinking about you!
Come back soon, we'll be waiting!
ShootingStar1
Or could your sister move in temporarily instead of staying with your parents, and pay rent?
This is a terribly tough time for you, and I'm sending all my support and will be thinking about you!
Come back soon, we'll be waiting!
ShootingStar1
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