Grumble

I thought I would share my story with you as I have been lurking for some time.

My other half has had a drink problem for some time. He starts drinking beer or sometimes spirits more or less when he gets up.

Over the course of the last couple of years we have had utter chaos. Arrests for DUI (which he got away with and was not charged), injuries, hospital visits, suicide attempts... I could go on.

He also lost his job and did very little around the house. As a result of this, I grew to the point where I couldn't really stand to be around him. Nearly all our disposable income went on alcohol so we couldn't afford to go out, have holidays etc. But even if we did, he didn't want to do it. His idea of a good day is sitting in front of the television with a glass of wine.

He has had treatment - three detoxes including a residential one. But when he got out of the residential one he refused to take his antibuse and just went back on it again.

His behaviour when he has had a drink is neither normal nor rational. In fact, I firmly believe that he has a fundamental underlying mental health condition - it is almost like a split personality once he has a few drinks in him. He hates himself and thinks because he does, I hate him too.

The final straw for me is that he has had an affair. It wasn't even anything serious and he has blamed it on me being more interested in work or going out for days on my own, which has made him lonely. But what am I supposed to do? It breaks my heart when he sits there opening a bottle of gin first thing in the morning.

His family are suggesting I should forgive him and take him back because the affair was caused by mental health problems and the alcohol and he couldn't therefore have been responsible for his actions. I am sure the person I married is still in there somewhere, but whether it is due to alcohol or not, I don't feel I can trust him any more. There is always going to be that niggling worry in the back of my mind that he is not telling me the truth, or that he will turn back to the drink when my back is turned.

I can't live how I have had to live for the past couple of years - I think it has taken too much out of me. I have kicked him out and told him not to come back. I was wavering about taking him back when he turned up all contrite and saying he will change, but he then undid all that by texting the other woman behind my back.

Part of me thinks he is more bothered about the roof over his head and food I provide and he has realised he really is in trouble if I divorce him.

I haven't done anything formally yet because I want to think about things and take the time to rest and reflect on events. But if anyone else has found themselves in my position, I would be interesting in hearing anything you have to say.

KRs

Anne (a Pseudonym)

Hammer

Hello Anne / Grumble,


At least you are well past thinking maybe it is your fault or something you may have cause or can cure.

Likely you are correct regarding the mental illness part, but Triple C on that, too.

When things stop "working" for him, he may change. May not. But that is not your part, either.

ps. His family may just want YOU to keep him so THEY do not get him back. Seen it, done it, been there.

Grumble

It being partly my fault is something he has tried to argue - I drink because you are miserable, not you're miserable because I drink.

The biggest problem I have is that he lies all the time and makes things up. I understand that is a symptom of alcoholism, but even though I understand that, it makes trust very difficult.

LexieCat

His "split personality," as you call it, may be a hundred percent attributable to the alcohol.

I agree that you don't have to do anything "formal" yet. I would, however, take this time to consult an attorney about your rights, and also to get involved in Al-Anon. I found Al-Anon a lifesaver when my head was whirling with what was the right thing to do.

I think you will find it much easier to make a decision, eventually, if he stays out of the house.

ShootingStar1

Take whatever time in whatever way you need for yourself.

His agenda and his needs are his problem. You don't have to solve them, and you don't even have to listen to them.

If you can go No Contact for a while - no visits, no e-mail, texts or phone - it will give you a respite to center yourself. Then it will be easier to make decisions.

Have you read Co-Dependent No More by Melodie Beattie? It's a good place to go to start to figure out what is his to own and what is yours.

People here often say of alcoholism:

You didn't cause it
You can't control and
You can't cure it

For me, that was very true and it was freeing to realize that I didn't have to participate in my XAH's crazy making alcoholic circles any more.

Keep coming here, we're all here for you,

ShootingStar1

Grumble

Everything that has happened is bad enough. But the affair really was the final straw for me. I have been living in the middle of a whirlwind of chaotic behaviour for many years. I have put up with it and stood by him despite everything he has done. My mom thinks I am crazy for doing that. But for him to start seeing another woman after everything I have done is a real insult to me.

Hammer

If that is what it took . . . that is what it took.

Here are my observations . . . . (total undocumented, non-study, simply my observations)

Often on the NON/Alanon/Partner side of things, I see we tend to operate in a "rule" based world. We have these internal rules that we cannot do this or that UNLESS "they" have done this or that.

Probably your rules, whether you knew it or not was you could not leave/dump him, unless he ran around. He did, so you could then dump him.

Does not seem to work that way on the Mental Illne(tss/Alcoholic/Addict side of things. Seems to operates on how they feel about this or that. He felt like running around so he did.

Recovering2

I learned on this site "Let go or be dragged." I think we all get to a point where we've had enough. If we stay, life will remain chaotic. Of course his family wants you to take him back, they need to know he is safe with his enabler. He IS responsible for his actions...he can seek help for his disease and any co-existing mental health issues. Having an affair is not excused because he's an A.

Take your time, one day at a time. I agree the book "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beattie would be helpful, as would AlAnon.

dandylion

HAMMER, I noticed a couple of times--your comment about "Rule based" and "Feeling based". Can you please comment as to where you have read about or heard about this concept. It resonates with me that this hold pretty true--but, I have never heard it put this way before.

Thanks,

dandylion

Hammer

Sure. Dunno about any writing directly speaking towards this, but I started along the path from the Mental Health side of things. You probably know that I have Mrs. Hammer pretty well pegged as at least having Borderline Traits, if not Borderline Personality Disorder. As such I have studied pretty hard some sites such as BPDFamily. Here is a reoccurring theme from them -- in Mental Health Personality Disorders . . .

Feelings = Facts.

Not in our realm, but in the various Personality Disorder realms, that is often the case. Same is often seen in Drugs, Alcoholism, and other addictions.

----------------------

Now step across to *our* side. The rules side people. Most could never even be an addict -- because the rules say we should not be. Rules rule. Did not really get that driven home until I would read over and over about folks sort of wishing their Mentally Ill (and abusive, and addict, and alcoholic) partner were running around. Because THEN they could dump them. Because THAT is the rules.

I am not saying any of this is science, study based or anything else. More like Inductive Reasoning based on the composite of what I am seeing from reading 1000's of posts and 100's of articles.

dandylion

Thanks, Hammer, for the explanation. Like, I said--never thought about the "Rules" perspective before---but it really makes so much sense and resonates with me.

I can see this in myself--in various situations. When other people don't play by the rules, it can make one CRAZY trying to make everything "fit". It is like looking at the world through a filter of giant moral imperatives!! How exhausting!!!

good food for (my) thought.

Again, thanks,
dandylion

allysen

Your situation reminds me of my own. Alcohol took over my husband and really has never given him back. I used to think there was a mental health condition in there too, until he got sober for 3 months and *poof* no mental health issue - it was all alcoholism and always had been.

And yes, he likes to blame me for his drinking. And everything else he has done wrong. Its the way addicts think in order to alleviate their own guilt over the problems their drinking has caused.

For me, I had to ask myself, if this (drinking, chaos, 5 trips to detox, failed rehab attempt, suspected affair, debt, DUI, pretending to take antibuse, not going to work, zero trust, no intimacy) isn't enough for me to leave then what is? I gave myself lots of time to think about things and didn't make the decision to leave for about a year. Take your time so that you are sure about what you want to do.

And yes, his family blamed me too and thought I should take him back. Keep in mind these people were his first enablers, before I came along. They think its normal to live like this. Don't take it personally.

LoveMeNow

So true. Addicts/alcoholics need us to enable them. They want the status quo because they don't want to do the hard work to change.

The most loving thing we can do is let go but our ego will fight this. I still struggle with it. I have read codependency is a disease of our ego. It took me a while to understand that but with time, it has become so clear to me.

A good little read or audio about guilt.

Dealing With Guilt: Iyanla Vanzant On Coping With The Difficult Emotion (VIDEO)

Grumble

Thanks for all the help everyone.

I am finding this really tough. I am settled in my mind that I have had enough and it will never get better. He is all apologetic and saying he hasn't much alcohol over the past week and is getting help. But I really don't believe that I have him back, things will change for long. I have had too many false hopes. The biggest problem for me is trust - I don't trust him because of what he has done.

The flip side of that is that I do feel guilty and responsible for him. I am finding it really tough not to think that I am putting out on the streets with no job, no money, no prospects and no future. And I can't really get over that. I am trying to tell myself that pitying someone is not loving them. But I do feel bad about things. Maybe if I had made more effort with our marriage - days out, working less etc, his alcoholism would not have got so bad because he would not have been so bored.

I am going to speak to an attorney about things if only to know where I stand and what I need to do to get the ball rolling. I don't feel marriage counseling will help - I can't believe a word he says these days and no amount of counseling will change that. I am just crestfallen that my marriage has come to this because whatever happens, I do want him to sort his life out. Perhaps that makes me an enabler too.

LexieCat

Your staying home from him more often would not have prevented the progression of his alcoholism. Your days out and your work probably helped tremendously in terms of keeping you sane. Alcoholics don't drink because they are bored; they drink because they are alcoholics. If he'd had lots of excitement in his life he would claim that he had to drink to "de-stress." There is always an excuse, but the REASON for the drinking is alcoholism.

HE is the one who has put HIMSELF in this predicament. You have nothing to feel guilty about in terms of putting him out on the street.

It isn't enabling for you to hope he sorts his life out. If you were to sacrifice yourself in the interest of sorting it out FOR him, or providing him a soft place to crash until he gets around to doing that, THAT is enabling.

You don't have to hate him to be done with the relationship and done with the chaos. I don't hate my second husband. I wish him the best. But I am done as far as that relationship goes, whether he gets well or not. Good move on seeing an attorney. You need to plan for your future, and knowledge is power.

dandylion

Dear Grumble, I see your feeling of "guilt and responsibility" as your co-dependency talking. He has had multiple opportunities to choose the path of recovery and has chosen not to. He is an alcoholic (you did not cause it!!), and an alcoholic will drink until they reach their bottom and choose recovery. There is nothing you can do to change him.

He will not start to take care of himself until you stop enabling him. Enabling him prevents him from hitting his bottom. He doesn't sound close to his bottom (to me). Thus, nothing is going to change unless you decide to do something to change it.

I agree--and so does most all of the recovery community--that marriage counseling is useless with an actively drinking alcoholic.

It comes down to: Let go or be dragged.

sincerely,
dandylion

Grumble

I think you are right. The guilt really is unbearable. I went out with my girlfriends last night as I felt I needed it and I had a great time. But today the guilt has really hit me - here I am leading my life whilst he has nothing. No job, no money, nowhere to live as I kicked him out. I am really worried about him because now I have gone he has nothing to live for.

I don't know if it gets easier, but I find it so hard to be selfish and put my own needs first. This really is a horrible experience.

Grumble

Did you find that you had guilt at first with your second husband Lexie? Did it get any easier for you as time passed?

Having never lived with a recovered alcoholic, are the odds against him recovering from his alcoholism if he has had so many opportunities but not managed to do it so far?

Grumble

[QUOTE=LoveMeNow;4052949]So true. Addicts/alcoholics need us to enable them. They want the status quo because they don't want to do the hard work to change.

The most loving thing we can do is let go but our ego will fight this. I still struggle with it. I have read codependency is a disease of our ego. It took me a while to understand that but with time, it has become so clear to me.

A good little read or audio about guilt.



That video was really helpful. Thanks.

LexieCat

No, I did not feel guilty for leaving him. He and his family members tried to make me feel guilty, but I knew I had done what I could. I couldn't make him stop drinking, though.

I feel sad that he has chosen the life he has, but that's his right, and not my business to change him. I don't dwell on the sadness. There are many sad, tragic things in this world that I am powerless over. If I spent all my time mourning them I could not do the work I do (which is important) and I would have no energy left for people in my life who can actually benefit from my being in their lives.

We have a saying around here, "Let go or be dragged." An alcoholic is a sinking ship, and if you stay, you will get sucked under with him.