blake1989

I think my girlfriend is a functional alcoholic. I have posted some here already, though I'm new.

I read another post about pills and such. I love my girlfriend so much, I want to marry her one day (she's the only person in my life I've felt this way about), and in my first post was cautioned about that. But that aside, I guess this post is essentially a psychopharmacology/pharmacomanagement post.

She works crazy night hours in a substance abuse facility, of all places. When she's working, she's sober. I have developed this belief that she is addicted to the addicts she treats as much as she is addicted to alcohol. Anyway...she takes a not so popular antidepressant called Remeron.

I know that alcohol acts as an antidepressant. So how can you take an antidepressant and use a depressant like alcohol? During a very sad time in my life years ago, I was on Zoloft. 2 glasses of wine would yield a crushing, depressing feeling the next day, at least for me. My girlfriend wonders why her sleep is so messed up, why she's sad sometimes, etc. I have never brow beaten her, I have never made snide comments like 'maybe you are counteracting your Remeron with the booze'. But I just wonder - don't you think these antidepressants need to be allowed to work unfettered? I feel like they are not designed to be used with alcohol. I think I'm answering my own question. I guess I'm looking for stories, not answers. I love her so much, and I feel so alone when she drinks hard. She loves me, but I can't be a white knight coming to save her all the time.

I guess what I'm getting at is she will quote her ex when she is very drunk. She will launch into these emotional, tearful (non abusive) tirades quoting her ex saying 'just stop drinking, and you can accomplish anything'. And I see myself being the next in line saying that. I so want to see her accomplish her dreams. I am done doing anything to control her (using the 3 c's). If you want to respond, I'd welcome it.

ZenMe

Define sober.

honeypig

Blake, I'm sorry to say this, but, man, it is true: You can't be a white knight coming to save her EVER. It's hard to absorb, but the truth. The only person you can save is you.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. She sounds pretty far down the path already. It will NOT get better. YOU cannot save her. Only she can decide when she has had enough.

It's good that you should educate yourself, but all the knowledge and all the love in the world is not going to change a thing she does. You are not going to find some way to convince her to get sober.

I don't know if you've been to Alanon yet, but I highly recommend it, at least as a starting point. The message may not be one you want to hear, but it is important that you do hear it.

Truly sorry you are going thru this, truly sorry for the pain you must be in.

blake1989

when i said that, I mean i know (from being there when she's going to work), that she never ever takes a drink. I was trying to protect her anonymity, but she is responsible for taking blood, handling medical procedures, and doling out drugs. I have never seen her drink before work. Yes, she takes her Remeron, because her doctor says take it daily. So that's what I mean by 'sober'. She takes her treatment of addicts very seriously. I know being hung over does not count. But she is not drunk at work and it's a line she talks about never crossing constantly. This is all the info I have.

blake1989

honeypig - i went to alanon for the first time a week ago. it was incredibly painful. i cried. and people told me after the meeting to keep coming back. thank you so much.

DreamsofSerenity

Hi Blake,

You are right! She should not mix alcohol with the anti-depressants. IMO, the more substances someone is putting into their body, the more the brain chemistry is getting messed up.

My ex alcoholic refused to take pills but probably should have. My brother is addicted to aderall which is essentially speed, and xanax which is an anti-anxiety med that brings him down off the speed. He also is a pot head. I don't even know how that mixes into the equation. My point is that your gf is totally not alone in the contradictory nature of her substance use.

Exercise and sunshine are proven cures for depression. Maybe you could try getting your gf out for walks in the sun. It's bound to help her, and it would help you too.

DreamsofSerenity

Okay, the fact she doles out meds and gives blood to people is really scary. That's almost as scary as an alcoholic pilot. She stays sober for work now but can that last? From what I've read on SR, it probably can't.

LexieCat

To my knowledge, no psych meds work properly when a person is drinking alcoholically.

You are trying to look at this logically, but the problem is not amenable to logic. Alcoholics drink because they must. It doesn't matter that the drinking is unhealthy, that it ultimately is making them feel worse.

It doesn't sound to me like she is ready to quit drinking yet. If this has been going on since her last relationship, and she is tearfully quoting her ex, she is cognizant of the problem--she just isn't willing yet to do anything about it.

So what are your own dreams for your life?

Obviously, there are things about her that appeal to you. Unfortunately, I kind of get the sense that a lot of that appeal is her neediness. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but that's how it strikes me.

How would it feel to you to be in a relationship with a strong, competent, independent woman? Just something to think about. I'm afraid that if you stick with this one you are going to wind up with a very dependent child, who may not be as appealing as her disease progresses.

blake1989

Hi DreamsofSerenity. Some of the best times we've had are when we've gone on walks in the sun. She hates bright light (big surprise - terrible dark joke, but true), but loves taking walks in the sun. Sometimes she will say 'i don't know what it is about the sun, but it just sets me right'. All that vitamin D does her well. As I type that i feel like a nutritionist trying to fix someone's diet. The urge to care for her is so strong. And I know I can't care for her.

ZenMe

Ok because for me someone who doesn't drink at work but goes on benders later isn't anywhere near sober. She still has the problem at work and otherwise. The fact that she may not be drinking at work isn't an indicator that she can handle it or you will have found the magic formula to get her to stop.

Call up your local pharmacy and ask about the interaction with those medications and alcohol. I have 2 EXS that I can relate to with this.

1st I tried to be the white knight, all the way and failed miserably. She had been really depressed and my providing what I thought was a stable environment only enabled her more. She is now doing better.

2nd I didn't really know about alcoholism so I tried to help a bit and makes sense of it all (I wasn't going to white knight it again, I learned that lesson). I put up with a lot because I didn't understand what was going on. ** I also put up with a lot because I wasn't standing up for myself **

One day it all hit me, WOW she's an alcoholic, and all the previous weird actions and situations made perfect sense, she had been drinking!

-That's why she was late 5 hours to an event, she had passed out.
-That's why she was angry when I showed up at her place unexpectedly (I was going to surprise her, should have been a FUN thing), she was sweating knowing she hadn't had a chance to "clean up" and I would be on to her!
etc etc


I'm not saying helping people is bad, but you have to learn to recognize when you are really helping or enabling.

We guys like to fix things, it's part of our nature. You are in a no win situation with alcohol on the fix it front.

blake1989

Hmm. Lexie, lots to think about. Thank you so much. i don't know. We're both artists. She is a nurse, but is an artist too. She is a brilliant visual artist who has had exhibitions. I have played shows. We are both nonstop artists, but her mania is perhaps fueled by substances, alcohol, whereas mine is fueled just by...manic artistic energy and not substances. I have never perceived her as needy. What always appealed to me before I knew anything is how strong and independent and thoughtful she was. I thought we could have a synergy of thoughts about art, life, and such. But maybe that was because she was drunk whenever we were talking. I really don't know. It feels insane that I looked so long and found someone, and it turned out that alcohol helped her to find a commonality with me. What is wrong with me, I asked at one point. I want her to be independent and strong and non-needy. And she is, up to a point. I don't know - your comment disarmed me because I had never thought that. And I thank you for that. Maybe you're right.

honeypig

Blake, in my experience here, Lexie is often right--I've had the same experience as you where she has said something (to me or to someone else) that had just plain never occurred to me, and it was dead on, a real slap in the head wakeup call.

Lots of hard-won wisdom and experience here--please do keep reading and posting. You will gain a lot of insight.

blake1989

Lexie - I want to relate another thing. She got really drunk one night recently. I have an eidetic memory, for better or for worse, so I remember massive amounts of quotes and useless stuff lol. And she said: "If we are going to keep going, you have to know that I will drink. I don't want to drink forever, and someday, I don't want to drink anything. But right now I can't stop." When I think of this, I think of my friends in college who smoked cigarettes and I was like "you're full of it. wtf." Whenever I type a single letter here, I feel like I'm grasping at straws, hoping upon hope. It's not that I'm codependent, it's just that my heart breaks every day. I know there is a tomorrow and there are other, more healthy people out there. It's just that I am hopeful, and powerless. i don't need to be needed or loved, I just wish she could deal with it without booze. I feel so ignorant and stupid. I thought I understood. And I know what she is going through. But I can't 'intervene'. It's like a cancer that can be arrested but never destroyed.

LexieCat

I understand the urge to feel hopeful, believe me. The problem is that the hope needs to be grounded on something other than wishful thinking. If someone is taking concrete steps toward recovery, and he or she slips or stumbles, there may still be grounds for hope. And you can also hope that SOMEDAY she will choose recovery. It's just that RIGHT NOW, she isn't giving out any "ready to recover" signals. Crying in her beer and voicing a hope that someday she will not drink isn't a sign of imminent recovery. It is just typical alcoholic self-pity. I said stuff like that years before I was ready to quit.

And, BTW, ignorant is not the same thing as stupid. You may be a bit ignorant about alcoholism, because nobody is born knowing this stuff. You are far from stupid. You sound like a compassionate guy, but compassion won't fix this particular problem. Nor is it possible to puzzle it out and come up with a game plan to fix it.

I feel for you, believe me. I never stopped caring for my second husband, who is still drinking himself to death. I decided I couldn't stand watching his self-destruction, and since I was powerless to stop it, I walked away. It was very hard to do, but it gave me back my life.