transformyself

I spent some time with some married friends last night. the contrast between a trusting, respectful, loving relationship and what I've ALWAYS had with AH is so stark.

I realized, again, that we simply are not compatible, in so many ways.

I think my planning to leave, discussing it with the kids and with AH, making more money, packing and honestly looking forward to the future has helped me shift from blaming AH (although i do still get angry sometimes and come here to vent) to actually wanting him to happy. Oh, and detachment too lol

When we don't live together anymore, I know I will be happier. The kids too. I hope it finally helps him find happiness as well

I told him this last night when I got home and he was raging around the house, angry at me for A, B and C. I hope he can focus on that. Divorce will make things BETTER.

Thanks for listening, for letting me come here and talk about this stuff. I love what I'm reading lately, it all validates me-- from the newbies to the old timers. Thank you SR

transformyself

My job is going to stay positive no matter what he does.

He's been cleaning in a fury today. Has been on vacation for 10 days. It's been hell, really. For some reason the timer on the stove drives him crazy, but he can vacuum with the radio turned up higher than God, while the rest of us try to talk to each other in the house.

When I start thinking about what he's doing, and why, it becomes harder to detach.

When I look at that scenario and think, " we really need to just not live together, so he can listen to the radio and vacuum, and I can use the stove timer," is simplifies it so much.

Nothing else matters. Just taking care of the kids and moving.

MsPINKAcres

((transformyself))

prayers & good thoughts for you, the kids & even for your STBEXAH as all of you go thru this process ~

The phrase that helped me so much when I went thru mine was "Hurting people hurt people" ~ and sometimes even when they don't mean to ~

I used so many of the slogans in helping me stay focused and keeping my own garden of self free of weeds and so that when all was said and done - I knew that I did my best to try to do all of the Next Right Things for my own self-respect ~

I would love to tell you that I honored all of that - but I know I made some mistakes and didn't stay on the high road the entire time - but gratefully I had trusted al-anon friends and sponsors that helped me get back where I needed to be quickly.

Hang in there sweetie - Remember "THis Too Shall Pass!"

PINK HUGS!

wicked

Good morning transformyself.
You are changing every day.
When you can wish him well, that is amazing!

And, MsPinkAcres is sooooo good with her posts.
the perfect phrase at this time,
hurting people hurt people.

You progress and grow.
Instead of anger at the happy couple (I will admit at a time my jealousy ruled me)
you see how you two can never have that now.
And the struggle ends.
You drop your end of the tug of war rope.
Okay, drop all the pronouns and change them from "you"
to "me" and "I".



Beth

PS
Your PM box is full!

transformyself

Last night I had the most infuriating discussion with AH.
me: what time are you going to bed?
AH: Grumble grumble I can do whatever I want, I"m not going to bed at all tonight.
Me: Ok thanks, I'm going to go into the bedroom then and do some work
AH: You're going to do WHAT?
Me: I'm going to go into the bedroom and work some more
AH: Well I'm going to bed! And the kids are going to bed! I had no idea you were thinking of going into the bedroom to work, why didn't you tell me?
Me: Well, I asked you when you were going to bed.
AH: But you didn't tell me you were going to work in the bedroom! We have to shut the house down. The kids need to go to bed. I'm totally surprised by you Transform. I would never bla bla bla bla bla
Me: But I asked you when you were going to bed so I could determine whether or not I could go in there and work.
AH: But you didn't tell me what you were going to do, how can I tell you when I"m going to bed when you didn't tell me what your plans are?
Me: oh, ok.

Now, I know I will never get the four minutes I spent on this discussion back, but it was a fantastic reminder of how someone like me, who isn't drunk, can engage in a discussion with someone like AH, who is, and come out confused and honestly thinking I might be crazy.

You ever see the Birdcage? With Nathan Lane, Robin Williams? Remember the scene at the end where Nathan Lane is outed as a man? And Gene Hackman says, "I think I"m going crazy! You're Jewish?"

That's what I felt like when I walked away. It was infuriating to have put myself in that conversation, but today I am sort of sad actually. I'm not sure what he's going to do when we leave. I pray he finds a way to get better, but he could burn the damn house down or kill himself.

Thanks for letting me come here and barf stuff out.

transformyself

Hi Beth! Love the "tug of war rope" analogy. I"ll empty out my inbox. I just don't want to delete any of your messages

unsureoffuture

So sorry you had to experience that conversation. It sounds frustrating but you recognized it for what it was, the A talking. You can't reason with them. Keep focusing on yourself. It will get better

Shellcrusher

Well, being out of the loop for about a year and coming back to see your progress helps me. It lets me know that my plans, while they may take years to accomplish, can in fact be accomplished. I don't want to blanket my next statement for everyone but I'm starting to see that this process is a long process.

Side note: I hear you. Have a conversation with a drunk and the next thing you know, you're crazy. Here's one you may chuckle at. I came home to the radio blaring. This radio is in the dinning room on the main floor. I'm talking loud. I go upstairs and there's the AW sitting in her office.
Me: Why's the radio so loud?
AW: So I could listen to the radio in my office.

~Meanwhile I'm looking at the radio on her desk in her office. It's not even on.~

transformyself

Hey there! I just returned as well, after a long hiatus.
Yes, this seems to be a long process. I think I'm pretty damaged, but am thrilled with the space I've moved into. The stuff I have to manage, like chronic illness and mental illness, is becoming easier.

Even with occasional bizarre conversations and out right anger at AH, I know i'm not in love with him anymore. That I honestly just want to take care of my kids, after ignoring them for so long while I was obsessed with him.

Being released from that obsession is the real gift. Now I can manage my life so much better.

wicked

I tried to send another one, and it still says it is full.
I had to empty my sent folder too.
Cause I was saving what I sent, just in case.

No, I do not know in case of what, but ......

The sent ones fill up and stay there too.

Beth

Oh yeah, a little tip about my alcoholic thinking.
If you asked me what time I was going to bed, I would wonder why you
wanted to know, and immediately think it was no good.
(No matter what you said)

What does he mean shut down the house?
You live in Leavenworth or something?
LOL

Next time, try to say this (like to a child)
"I am going to do some work,
do you want me to use the kitchen?
or the bedroom?
I need space and quiet."

Yeah, it could just get crazier from there, depending on the drunk,
and what level he is at at that moment.
But it sounds like whatever you say is met with resistance.

You let it drop right there, like the piece of merde it is.
It is stinky and you no longer need to handle it at all.
Let him pick it up and play with it himself. He will.
:rotfxko

transformyself

God you're so funny.

Yep, I've been doing this now for at least a year. He can argue with himself. I don't enjoy it anymore. I want peace.

I like your approach. I will think about why I'm so resistant to coddling him. I just want out!

He came home and is drinking and I can't get away because I have to make the ******* purses. BUT- this will allow me to move out. So I keep trying to keep track of the kids and working and make sure we're just staying away from him.

Mostly he just drinks and hangs out in the garage or yard. Leaves us alone, thank the heavens. On the rare occasion that we cross his radar, he either bitches at us, is hilarious and laughing it up, or stumbling drunk. Really, it's one of three options.

GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

Shellcrusher

Hey TFM, you probably wrote this in some other thread that I haven't read so forgive me.
When are you moving out?

lillamy

You know, it sounds like you've hit that point where you are actually detached, you're standing outside observing your interactions and his behavior and going "well, ya know, this is kinda nutsy. I need to not expose myself and my kiddos to this anymore" -- and that's a great place to be.

And forgive me, but I actually laughed at your exchange with him. It's so damn typical.

You'll be OK, Transformy. Actually, you'll be better than OK.

transformyself

Shellcrusher- I don't know yet, before school starts again for sure. Right now I'm: working to start a new business and get financially set, packing, working to stay detached although I sometimes fail, and envisioning our new life I'm pretty excited. It feels real because I'm not freaking out and running away, but rather have a plan.