"Whats' so complicated" he says....really?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: california
Posts: 103
"Whats' so complicated" he says....really?
So AH has been "sober" for 3 months.....I would say 96% sober. it's the recovery that has been hard for me. He is heavily involved in a great AA group and doing rather well...all things considered....I have not delved into Alanon but I had joined him on several occasions for group events. One thing that is hard for me is knowing that all these people know my story...maybe not the fine details, but the textbook issues involved....and I am so private, but I suck it up.
My main issue for posting is I do not understand how he can possibly think all is well....he told me I was "sick" tonight when I confronted him on another off the cuff comment he made. And I do not disagree that I am sick. BUT how is it possible for him to not realize I am carrying the load of dealing with reality (and have been) and the weight is stressful.
I know he can't be there for me emotionally and rarely do I ask that. It is just amazing to me that bubble that he is in. We are BROKE.....money gone at the end of the month....and 90 days sober I still have to deal with his head in the sand. Not a word about what we will do, it is all on me. Granted he looks and applies everyday and has even had some interviews. My grandmother died and I couldn't afford to fly out, my sister had a baby and I doubt I can see it for a year, DD needs swim lessons etc....and he tells me to pray on it....
I understand what he is doing is larger than me, and a really really big deal....but dealing with his amped up moods, then the low ones, and rarely a place for me to just BE and handle my own stress.......
arrgh sorry just venting.....I know.....alanon....
My main issue for posting is I do not understand how he can possibly think all is well....he told me I was "sick" tonight when I confronted him on another off the cuff comment he made. And I do not disagree that I am sick. BUT how is it possible for him to not realize I am carrying the load of dealing with reality (and have been) and the weight is stressful.
I know he can't be there for me emotionally and rarely do I ask that. It is just amazing to me that bubble that he is in. We are BROKE.....money gone at the end of the month....and 90 days sober I still have to deal with his head in the sand. Not a word about what we will do, it is all on me. Granted he looks and applies everyday and has even had some interviews. My grandmother died and I couldn't afford to fly out, my sister had a baby and I doubt I can see it for a year, DD needs swim lessons etc....and he tells me to pray on it....
I understand what he is doing is larger than me, and a really really big deal....but dealing with his amped up moods, then the low ones, and rarely a place for me to just BE and handle my own stress.......
arrgh sorry just venting.....I know.....alanon....
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 350
Amber, I am so sorry about your grandmother. A big loss, on top of all the other stress in your life - what a sad and difficult time.
Congratulations on becoming an auntie, though! I know it isn't the same as holding that sweet little bundle, but can you Skype?
I'm thinking about alternatives for you so that you can manage financially...any chance that there are scholarships for swim lessons? It's hard for a private person to ask for help, and I don't know your situation, but have you checked into what is available?
I really DO think it's worth giving Alanon a shot. (Full disclosure - I have only gone to one meeting, so I need to take my own advice here!) I've heard so many wonderful things about the support found there, and the worst things I've heard were that a particular meeting didn't work for someone for whatever reason. And it's free.
Take care of yourself as best you can. You're doing a lot of heavy lifting here.
Congratulations on becoming an auntie, though! I know it isn't the same as holding that sweet little bundle, but can you Skype?
I'm thinking about alternatives for you so that you can manage financially...any chance that there are scholarships for swim lessons? It's hard for a private person to ask for help, and I don't know your situation, but have you checked into what is available?
I really DO think it's worth giving Alanon a shot. (Full disclosure - I have only gone to one meeting, so I need to take my own advice here!) I've heard so many wonderful things about the support found there, and the worst things I've heard were that a particular meeting didn't work for someone for whatever reason. And it's free.
Take care of yourself as best you can. You're doing a lot of heavy lifting here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Amber,
My heart goes out to you.
Please consider al anon. It literally saved my life. I get the whole 'private person' thing but in al anon you will be among people who wrestle with the same issues. Your AH has alot of great support for himself. Where is yours? Hugs...
My heart goes out to you.
Please consider al anon. It literally saved my life. I get the whole 'private person' thing but in al anon you will be among people who wrestle with the same issues. Your AH has alot of great support for himself. Where is yours? Hugs...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Amber, early recovery (roughly, the firs year) is well-known for being highly stressful and is considered the m ost vulnerable time in an alcoholic marriage---shockingly, even more so than the active drinking period for many people.
Reality is, that alcoholics have a hard time coping with anything after their main coping tool is taken away. There is no alcoholism without selfishness. It is a disease of selfishness. It is not "fair". No doubt, you have been carrying the major load for a l ong while--and you have grown tired of it (understandably).
He m ay be doing the best he is capable of---but, if he is or not, there is not much you can do about him. You have no control over him. You are the one responsible for yourself and your child. Is it fair--he** NO! Nothing about alcoholism is fair. But, it is reality.
Tho only thing that can save you (your sanity) is to shift your focus to yourself and consider YOUR (and your daughter) welfare as first priority. This will require a l ot of detachment and, undoubtedly, lowering your expectations of you husband--at l east, for the upcoming weeks.
We are here to support and help you with our experience and caring.
sincerely, dandylion
Reality is, that alcoholics have a hard time coping with anything after their main coping tool is taken away. There is no alcoholism without selfishness. It is a disease of selfishness. It is not "fair". No doubt, you have been carrying the major load for a l ong while--and you have grown tired of it (understandably).
He m ay be doing the best he is capable of---but, if he is or not, there is not much you can do about him. You have no control over him. You are the one responsible for yourself and your child. Is it fair--he** NO! Nothing about alcoholism is fair. But, it is reality.
Tho only thing that can save you (your sanity) is to shift your focus to yourself and consider YOUR (and your daughter) welfare as first priority. This will require a l ot of detachment and, undoubtedly, lowering your expectations of you husband--at l east, for the upcoming weeks.
We are here to support and help you with our experience and caring.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 71
I second (or third) Al-Anon. Even though I go a group, I don't normally share. Like you, I'm somewhat private and don't feel like opening up to people I just met about my struggles in dealing with my AXBFs. So I don't. I sit there. I listen as the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions are read. I listen as a reading (or two) are read out of the Al-Anon literature. I listen as the other group members share their responses and reactions to the readings. I go, and I soak up everything I can. It helps to know that, despite how I feel, I'm not alone.
As for your financial troubles, start by taking a deep breath. Gather all your bills into a pile or make a list of them. Sort them based on importance: what has to be paid (rent/mortgage, utilities, food, etc.) vs. what needs to be paid (credit cards, miscellaneous non-essential bills). Call everyone on both sides of the list, starting with the most essential. Explain your situation and ask what kind of arrangement you can make. Many times, they will work with you. We've all fallen behind and need help. They know this. However, they don't know this unless you tell them. They can't help unless you tell them. You've got nothing to lose.
Have you tried budgeting, couponing, buying sale/generic items, etc. I know it doesn't seem like much, but dollars and cents add up. Also, do you have any skills (arts & crafts, cooking, cleaning, organizing, photography, graphic design, babysitting, tutoring, etc.)? You could either market your services to someone needs them; or barter in exchange for a product and/or service you need.
As for your daughter, check your options. Some places offer low or no-cost swimming lessons to children. Some may also work with you if you're having financial trouble.
Keep your head up Amber!
As for your financial troubles, start by taking a deep breath. Gather all your bills into a pile or make a list of them. Sort them based on importance: what has to be paid (rent/mortgage, utilities, food, etc.) vs. what needs to be paid (credit cards, miscellaneous non-essential bills). Call everyone on both sides of the list, starting with the most essential. Explain your situation and ask what kind of arrangement you can make. Many times, they will work with you. We've all fallen behind and need help. They know this. However, they don't know this unless you tell them. They can't help unless you tell them. You've got nothing to lose.
Have you tried budgeting, couponing, buying sale/generic items, etc. I know it doesn't seem like much, but dollars and cents add up. Also, do you have any skills (arts & crafts, cooking, cleaning, organizing, photography, graphic design, babysitting, tutoring, etc.)? You could either market your services to someone needs them; or barter in exchange for a product and/or service you need.
As for your daughter, check your options. Some places offer low or no-cost swimming lessons to children. Some may also work with you if you're having financial trouble.
Keep your head up Amber!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Amber23 
So AH has been "sober" for 3 months.....I would say 96% sober. it's the recovery that has been hard for me. He is heavily involved in a great AA group and doing rather well...all things considered....I have not delved into Alanon but I had joined him on several occasions for group events. One thing that is hard for me is knowing that all these people know my story...maybe not the fine details, but the textbook issues involved....and I am so private, but I suck it up.
My main issue for posting is I do not understand how he can possibly think all is well....he told me I was "sick" tonight when I confronted him on another off the cuff comment he made. And I do not disagree that I am sick. BUT how is it possible for him to not realize I am carrying the load of dealing with reality (and have been) and the weight is stressful.
I know he can't be there for me emotionally and rarely do I ask that. It is just amazing to me that bubble that he is in. We are BROKE.....money gone at the end of the month....and 90 days sober I still have to deal with his head in the sand. Not a word about what we will do, it is all on me. Granted he looks and applies everyday and has even had some interviews. My grandmother died and I couldn't afford to fly out, my sister had a baby and I doubt I can see it for a year, DD needs swim lessons etc....and he tells me to pray on it....
I understand what he is doing is larger than me, and a really really big deal....but dealing with his amped up moods, then the low ones, and rarely a place for me to just BE and handle my own stress.......
arrgh sorry just venting.....I know.....alanon....
I understand what he is doing is larger than me, and a really really big deal....but dealing with his amped up moods, then the low ones, and rarely a place for me to just BE and handle my own stress.......
arrgh sorry just venting.....I know.....alanon....
Then she gets a job at a rehab clinic, works 60 hours a week and makes nothing, contributes not a thin dime to the household expenses. Our daughter looks at the bright-side that at least "crazy and lies" are out of the house for 60 hours a week.
Now we are getting ready to go on the make-up family vacation -- we leave tonight, and Mrs. Hammer is refusing to go along as work is "too important." Yeah, whatever. So me and the kids are doing a roadtrip to a long list of places they want to visit and over a week at DC with the museums and all. Daughter says "3 weeks with no crazy!"
Sharp kid. We are doing the 12 and 12 together on the trip.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hammer........."NEVER take your diagnosis from an alcoholic" I Love that!!
It is going to be my take-away for the day!. Actually, I don't do that any more. But, I did sooo many times in the past--before I knew better. I wish I had someone to say this to me, back then.
We all grab onto what supports what we believe. If we have low self-esteem, we are willing to believe anything thrown our way that supports our belief about ourselves---even if it is thrown by a twisted person with malicious intent!! We codies can be sitting ducks for the insults and character asasinations lobbed at us......that is, until we learn better.....
dandylion
It is going to be my take-away for the day!. Actually, I don't do that any more. But, I did sooo many times in the past--before I knew better. I wish I had someone to say this to me, back then.
We all grab onto what supports what we believe. If we have low self-esteem, we are willing to believe anything thrown our way that supports our belief about ourselves---even if it is thrown by a twisted person with malicious intent!! We codies can be sitting ducks for the insults and character asasinations lobbed at us......that is, until we learn better.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 47
"BUT how is it possible for him to not realize I am carrying the load of dealing with reality (and have been) and the weight is stressful."
I ask myself a similar question all the time. I'm constantly baffled by how my AH doesn't relate my emotions to his behavior, but one of the many things I've learned by visiting SR is that is exactly the case. When I find myself getting really, really angry and I think I might be about to go off I start reminding myself that he just doesn't see it and that helps me calm down--well, that and getting away from him for awhile
. What he is going through is tough, but so is what you are going through. Please don't hesitate to do what you need to to take care of yourself.
I ask myself a similar question all the time. I'm constantly baffled by how my AH doesn't relate my emotions to his behavior, but one of the many things I've learned by visiting SR is that is exactly the case. When I find myself getting really, really angry and I think I might be about to go off I start reminding myself that he just doesn't see it and that helps me calm down--well, that and getting away from him for awhile
. What he is going through is tough, but so is what you are going through. Please don't hesitate to do what you need to to take care of yourself.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't know what being "96 percent sober" means, but it sounds as if your husband is making the effort. He's got a good support system, and a good program (assuming he is working it).
I agree with everyone here that Al-Anon can be an absolute lifeline. You don't have to share any details in meetings (though it's good to get a sponsor or at least a friend or two with some time in recovery that you can open up to on a one-to-one basis). If your husband continues to work his recovery, employment will come when it is the right time. I know that doesn't pay the bills, but AnonK is right--the economic situation can be sorted out until that happens.
It isn't the economic situation in itself that is causing you the distress so much as it is the way you feel about it. Al-Anon will help with that--a LOT.
Hugs, try to get to some meetings, and keep posting here. It will help.
I agree with everyone here that Al-Anon can be an absolute lifeline. You don't have to share any details in meetings (though it's good to get a sponsor or at least a friend or two with some time in recovery that you can open up to on a one-to-one basis). If your husband continues to work his recovery, employment will come when it is the right time. I know that doesn't pay the bills, but AnonK is right--the economic situation can be sorted out until that happens.
It isn't the economic situation in itself that is causing you the distress so much as it is the way you feel about it. Al-Anon will help with that--a LOT.
Hugs, try to get to some meetings, and keep posting here. It will help.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
One more for Alanon. Go to several different meetings, as they will all feel a little different. If you're worried about opening up b/c you fear you will be judged or feel that you're somehow not like the folks there, do as mentioned above and just go and listen. I think you'll be amazed at how much the same you really are...and believe me, no one is going to judge you!
I have heard the saying "Alanon isn't for those who need it but for those who want it", and I believe it to be true. I think once you've gone, you'll start to want it when you see what it can do for you. Please consider.
I have heard the saying "Alanon isn't for those who need it but for those who want it", and I believe it to be true. I think once you've gone, you'll start to want it when you see what it can do for you. Please consider.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hey Amber,
I just wanted to reassure of one thing, after reading this:
they do not remember specific stories, or I did not remember whose spouse was who.
Alcoholics are very self involved in a self involved program, believe me, as important as you are as a person and as his partner, they do NOT remember any specific details.
It's okay, they have no idea who you are really.
Okay, for me it was a denial issue and I was the main bread winner.
But if you have been carrying the load, you can see the logic in why he has NO IDEA what running a household takes.
He has a lot of learning and relearning to do.
In the meantime, just as his recovery is important, so is YOURS
There is no way what he is doing with HIS life is larger than what you are doing with YOUR LIFE.
This is the time to give serious consideration about what you want from your life.
Beth
I just wanted to reassure of one thing, after reading this:
One thing that is hard for me is knowing that all these people know my story...maybe not the fine details, but the textbook issues involved....and I am so private, but I suck it up.
Alcoholics are very self involved in a self involved program, believe me, as important as you are as a person and as his partner, they do NOT remember any specific details.
It's okay, they have no idea who you are really.
BUT how is it possible for him to not realize I am carrying the load of dealing with reality (and have been) and the weight is stressful.
But if you have been carrying the load, you can see the logic in why he has NO IDEA what running a household takes.
He has a lot of learning and relearning to do.
In the meantime, just as his recovery is important, so is YOURS
I understand what he is doing is larger than me, and a really really big deal...
This is the time to give serious consideration about what you want from your life.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
While it is educational to go to open AA meetings, or speaker meetings, AlAnon is where you will find the support you need as the partner of an A. My RABF is 7 months sober, and actively works his recovery program. The first 3-4 months were really really hard. But if your AH stays true to his recovery, it will come together. I believe with all my heart it works best if BOTH partners work on recovery...AA and AlAnon. It doesn't happen overnight....but it can happen.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
“NEVER take your diagnosis from an alcoholic”
This.
Just the other day my qualifier “diagnosed” me as bi-polar in addition to being a miserable f**k. Yes, I can be miserable from time to time but mental illness is not my issue. It hurt to hear her say this to me but I quickly considered the source then felt better. These days I leave my diagnosis’ to the professionals.
My opinion, him calling you “sick” is insulting. Today, in my own home, I’m “diagnosed” as a sick man by her. I’m not sick really, just damaged. Spending years dealing with alcoholism in your home, around your children, will do that to you.
My qualifer doesn’t understand the burden I bear because she only hears about it from me. It’s not experience, there’s no consequences towards her. She’s not calling the YWCA asking about swim lessons during her lunch break nor scraping money together to make rent. Just last night I was up late paying the kid’s medical bills online, signing our oldest daughter up for swim lessons then cleaned the kitchen. She slept through all of this.
Her pink cloud is still carrying her but it’s thinning day by day.
My relationship didn’t survive recovery, and she’s moving out in 2 weeks. I care for her deeply but her reality isn’t mine.
Keep doing what you’re doing. I attend Nar-Anon weekly and it helps a lot. As someone said before it’s not fair.
Accept that. Handle you and your child.
This.
Just the other day my qualifier “diagnosed” me as bi-polar in addition to being a miserable f**k. Yes, I can be miserable from time to time but mental illness is not my issue. It hurt to hear her say this to me but I quickly considered the source then felt better. These days I leave my diagnosis’ to the professionals.
My opinion, him calling you “sick” is insulting. Today, in my own home, I’m “diagnosed” as a sick man by her. I’m not sick really, just damaged. Spending years dealing with alcoholism in your home, around your children, will do that to you.
My qualifer doesn’t understand the burden I bear because she only hears about it from me. It’s not experience, there’s no consequences towards her. She’s not calling the YWCA asking about swim lessons during her lunch break nor scraping money together to make rent. Just last night I was up late paying the kid’s medical bills online, signing our oldest daughter up for swim lessons then cleaned the kitchen. She slept through all of this.
Her pink cloud is still carrying her but it’s thinning day by day.
My relationship didn’t survive recovery, and she’s moving out in 2 weeks. I care for her deeply but her reality isn’t mine.
Keep doing what you’re doing. I attend Nar-Anon weekly and it helps a lot. As someone said before it’s not fair.
Accept that. Handle you and your child.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: california
Posts: 103
Thank you so much for your replies. I really am struggling with the weight I feel and how much I am supposed to burden. Hard to know when it is enabling to keep everything afloat financially and not expect him to even broach the subject with me. I don't feel like a victim, but perhaps mad at myself that maybe I am not doing enough to keep things afloat.
When I say 96% sober I mean that he has drank within these last few months....here and there....no bingeing etc but closer to recovery than in the past.
We had a blow out tonight....I tried to remember all I had read in this thread and I did good for a bit, but I lost my head. Maybe this is the bottom....I will be at alanon this weekend.
I really appreciate the insight as to being "diagnosed". I really needed to hear what you all thought. I am damaged and I do see the issues that are mine. scary as they are, but GEEZ it is hard to differentiate at times. I feel like I am battling this disease without an end in sight. I find myself getting so anxious about things like getting in a car etc. with him although I know he is sober. And these nerves will sometimes cause an argument. I then feel like I am ridiculous, but I see that the conditioning from years of fear. I don't blame it all on the drinking, but it sucks that he can't realize what the years of this has done. The constant daily fear of everything that could wrong because of the drinking.
He told me the other day he doesn't remember much of last year.....and I wonder how much he does remember of the this year. It bugs me to know that I wasted so much time and created so much turmoil in frustrations that didn't matter. Its like my valid history is erased also.
thanks for letting me process....you guys rock.
When I say 96% sober I mean that he has drank within these last few months....here and there....no bingeing etc but closer to recovery than in the past.
We had a blow out tonight....I tried to remember all I had read in this thread and I did good for a bit, but I lost my head. Maybe this is the bottom....I will be at alanon this weekend.
I really appreciate the insight as to being "diagnosed". I really needed to hear what you all thought. I am damaged and I do see the issues that are mine. scary as they are, but GEEZ it is hard to differentiate at times. I feel like I am battling this disease without an end in sight. I find myself getting so anxious about things like getting in a car etc. with him although I know he is sober. And these nerves will sometimes cause an argument. I then feel like I am ridiculous, but I see that the conditioning from years of fear. I don't blame it all on the drinking, but it sucks that he can't realize what the years of this has done. The constant daily fear of everything that could wrong because of the drinking.
He told me the other day he doesn't remember much of last year.....and I wonder how much he does remember of the this year. It bugs me to know that I wasted so much time and created so much turmoil in frustrations that didn't matter. Its like my valid history is erased also.
thanks for letting me process....you guys rock.
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