Springs

I've really appreciated all of the wisdom from reading these threads and stickies. As I've mentioned my AH and I have only been facing his alcoholism out in the open (instead of total denial) for a month and half. I'm skeptical he's committed to recovery - he's seeing a counselor, and seems really actually sober when I see him and talk to him, but he hasn't really embraced any recovery program (AA, doing outpatient treatment etc.). As I've learned so far from Al Anon, more will be revealed. We're not living in the same place now but we are in regular contact (call or email every day). I know I have a lot of recovery to do myself no matter what and am so glad al anon exists to keep pursuing that more. I'm wondering though if there is any chance of this working out? I haven't read any commentator on this site whose AH went through a recovery process, and so did they, and they stayed together. Does that even happen? I know I can't see it as a likely outcome, but I'm wondering if it is even a possibility.

LexieCat

Happened with me. Met my first husband when he was an alcoholic 18 y/o in college. After some false starts and a few months apart, he got sober at age 21. We got married a year later. He has now been sober over 33 years. We later divorced for unrelated reasons, but he was a great husband and is a close friend of mine to this day. He is a great dad to our two boys, now grown. By my estimation it was a successful recovery.

Hammer

My Alanon sponsor and his wife.

Knew each for 60 years. Married for 56. In AA (her) and Alanon (him) for the last 34 years. She died this last year. Seeing a lot of that in a "Long Timer" group I attend. The A's seem to go first due to the years of use.


I picked him as a sponsor because (among other reasons) they say pick a sponsor who has what you want.


Dunno about your case or mine. What is the saying? -- your mileage may vary. Mrs. Hammer is back about 6 months from rehab. Been Up, Down, All Over the Place. But we seem to be dealing with some Mental Illness components in addition to addiction.

dandylion

Dear Springs, I have been racking my brain. I know, personally, 2 couples who qualify for your answer (still together many, many years after he quit drinking, permanently). I knew the wives--more than I knew the husbands. These women were firmly entrenched in their m arriages--yet, grumbled about their husbands a LOT. To me, the husbands sounded like they were permanently "dry drunk". It is hard to judge someone else's marriage--but, I would describe,from what I knew--"The marriages were stable but not terribly happy" The husbands seemed to be Very self-centered types, to me--so, I suspect that the husbands were happier than the wives. i know that both husbands went to AA sometimes--I don't know if they ever worked a strong program, though. One of the wives went to alanon for a few years in the beginning, but no longer went. She is a social worker.

Springs, this forum is not where you are going to get a good statistical sampling (LOL)--as most people who come here are in crisis. You would probably do better talking to some longtimers in AA. I would like to add that, by the time the couples reach the stage of seeking help for alcohol or co-dependency issues--Often, there has been a lot of damage done--plus, the early recovery period is so very stressful, just wh en coping mechanisms are at an all time low.

I wish you luck with your query, I wish I could give you a better answer. Maybe some others can help you more.

dandylion

LexieCat

I also know lots of folks in AA with marriages that survived. Alcoholism does a lot of damage to relationships--probably the majority don't make it. I think those that do tend to be those where both partners separately worked on their own recovery and who were patient with the challenges the other partner faced. And even in those situations, relationships are sometimes difficult, period. After about 10 years of marriage, I was restless and unhappy in my marriage. It wasn't that my husband did anything wrong, or that he wasn't responsible and good to me and to our family. It was just that things did not feel "right" to me. I know that the divorce (which I wanted, not he) was very painful for him, and I regret that it was. Staying would have been painful for both of us, because we were not able to be what the other person wanted/needed. So we parted ways, but were able to be fair and kind to each other, which is why we are still good friends and were able to successfully co-parent our kids. We still support each other and root for each other.

There are never any guarantees that relationships will last, at least not in the same form that they are in the beginning. I think recovery work on both sides helps make sure that both parties emerge healthier and stronger than they were before, whether they stay together or not.

Springs

Thanks all. This is helpful to read. You are wonderful resources.

bless5

My RAH has been sober almost 5 years now. We've been married 29 years. The first year of sobriety is the most difficult. lots of relationship rebuilding to do. He attends AA and I do some AlAnon meetings. We each work our own recovery seperately. We had a great marriage for 15 years before the drinking progressed to be a real problem. We are very happy now, but our relationship is definitely different, better in many ways, but not all ways. It can be done but takes a lot of work for all. Wishing you all the best in your own recovery. One day at a time!

jennaifer

I believe it is possible for things to work out. My husband is newly sober he has been in the program for 10 months now and we are together. It is not easy it takes work.

Tuffgirl

Wouldn't it be nice if we had guarantees in marriage? Or maybe an exchange policy if the first choice is defective! ; )

I am not one whose marriage made it thought recovery, but it wasn't for lack of trying on my part.

However, I know many couples from my Al-Anon home group who stayed married and thrived, or stayed married and were miserable, but they managed nonetheless.

I think it depends on the people involved, the level of commitment, and the ability to work together toward a common goal. Unfortunately for my marriage, we didn't have common goals or a high level of commitment. It happens even to non-addiction marriage too.

OhBoy

My parents stayed together. Mom was filing for divorce when AF got real sick with alcoholic hepatitis & was months away from death. He sobered up in the hospital and stayed that way for a few months (no recovery program) and thought he could handle drinking again. He couldn't. One day he saw Ma hiding Christmas presents in a suitcase, he thought she was packing to leave. Shortly after that he checked into rehab and was sober until he died. 23 years. I mention this story because his family was the most important thing in the world to him. He WANTED his marriage to work and was WILLING to make it work. He was a very special man. He worked his program (AA) everyday.

Unfortunately my STBXAW did not/is incapable of that, so my experience is one vote yes, one vote no.

Anna

I am the alcoholic in my family and we just celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary. I drank for a period of about 3 years around the 25th year of our marriage. I drank a lot and almost lost my husband and my children, all that is dear to me. I am not an AA person, though I work on my recovery every day. I have been in recovery almost 13 years and in that time my two children graduated university and found meaningful work. They both married wonderful people and I have four grandchildren who are under 4 years old. Life is very good.

There is always hope and love.

dancingnow

Sorry about your AW OhBoy but that is great about your parents and thanks for this story.

I believe my RAH really wants to be with his family and wants to recover. He is at least 6 months sober and maybe close to year and he does go to AA and is just starting to "work" the program with a sponsor and with the steps. I worked a lot on myself and stayed separated (2 years) from RAH in his nonrecovery and very, very early recovery. When he moved back in I'd say he was still early recovery and now I'd still say he is beginning recovery.

For my side of the street I was going to alanon on a regular basis and it helped me tremendously although I am taking a bit of a break from it but still go intermittenly. I have done lots of other stuff for myself, reading, counseling, meditating, changing careers, ....

It's a long slow road and there are so many forks along the way as relationships even without alcohol are complex.

What we have now is good, sometimes great and some days I wonder. I keep the focus on myself and take care of myself. We go to marriage counseling to work on our relationship being restored from all the damage. It all hinges on continuing to work our programs though.

Once I started living and stepped away from whatever outcome might or might not be I felt a lot better and knew with my Higher Power (God for me) all will be ok and life will be good whichever turn it takes.

(((HUGS))) to you Springs. Keep working on you. Ask yourself a lot of questions about what you want your life to be and who you are with or without your AH.

ichabod

There's hope, if he commuts to a program and also to repairing the marriage. My husband is now in year 4 of recovery. It has been hard fought, but our marriage is stronger and happier than ever. We both work hard to ensure that we remain priorities to each other. We had to relearn to do that because while he was drinking we led largely separate lives.

NYCDoglvr

I'm in my 22nd year of recovery (AA) and I know several recovering alcoholics who are still married to the same person. It doesn't matter what happens to other people, only you and your bf. Suggest keeping the focus on your own recovery and letting go of his disease.

FireSprite

I'm a spouse that stayed after my AH sought recovery as well. I think Dancingnow summed it up pretty well:

It's possible, it just isn't easy.

RAH is nearly 2 years into his recovery. (Me too, for that matter) I think "success" depends on your definition. Are we the same people, the same couple, the same family we were before? No, and we never will be again. We have to seriously redefine our idea of "normal".

I believe it's his commitment to sobriety, and mine to my boundaries, that are the threads holding the entire thing together. With that, we can both actively pursue recovery individually & together & as a family unit. Because he's committed, even the worst day we go through now is better than my best day with him actively drinking. But he HAS to want that for himself, it's not something I can demand or turn into an ultimatum or control in any way.

Early recovery was impossibly hard (or so it felt) and I could not envision us being where we are now, at all. Or that I would want to. Progress, not perfection is a staple saying around here & it's very true in our situation!